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Original poster

How do I deal with an uptight/ angry husband?

86 replies

Blackisthecolour · 12/08/2021 12:06

We've been married for 13 years, generally very good during that time and he is usually lovely but he has a major issue with catastrophizing, going from 0-60 over small things which is making me completely miserable.

Examples:

The morning of going away for a weekend our kitten peed on the front door mat. He hadn't yet been fixed and possibly had a UTI (both now sorted). DH went totally nuts, shouting angrily that the cat was going to ruin the house and it was my fault for wanting a cat in the first place, ranting and kicking a bag down the corridor. He was in a bad mood for the next 5 hours (roughly).

While away he asked if I thought the kids (10 and 9) needed their jackets to walk into town as it might rain, I said I thought we'd be ok but it started raining halfway (walk was 20 mins in total so had a further 10 mins to walk in the drizzle). He got really angry, shouting at me that it was my fault for not 'letting him' bring the jackets. He was then in a bad mood for next 3 hours.

I rang him yesterday to tell him my brother had ordered our DC some football kits as they treat from my Dad, again he started ranting that he probably wouldn't have got the sizing right so would have wasted money and the kids wouldn't get enough wear out of them. I ended up having to ring my brother to check he'd got the right size (he had).

Talked this morning about the possibility of going abroad in a couple of weeks. I mentioned that it clashed with a weekend away that I'd booked and I might lose the money, again hit the roof saying 'I thought you'd booked it to pay on arrival and you told me it was cancellable up to 24 hours before' - it doesn't sound that bad written down but he says it very aggressively/angrily. He was right, I had but momentarily forgotten but by this point he was already angry so said 'let's not fucking bother' and slammed the phone down on me.

I don't know if it sounds that bad written down but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells not knowing what might set him off. He gets so angry about daft things like briefly misplacing his dad's father's day card, or not being able to find the swimming bag, and it honestly can put him in bad mood for hours.

I love him but God, what can we do about this?

For completeness my dad is currently terminally ill with cancer and I feel less equipped to deal with this than ever.

Also, I suspect that DH has mild aspergers (he agrees) and is very set in his way about things- there's definitely a 'right' way to do most things for him and he gets very stressed and unhappy if we don't stick to it.

We have a great life otherwise, good health, nice house, no money worries but I feel like it's hard to feel happy when the smallest thing can set him off.

OP posts:
spongedod · 12/08/2021 12:08

Divorce?

Also, I suspect that DH has mild aspergers (he agrees) and is very set in his way about things- there's definitely a 'right' way to do most things for him and he gets very stressed and unhappy if we don't stick to it.

'Mild Aspergers' doesn't exist. Please don't use a genuine disability to excuse your husbands angry outbursts. If he is autistic then he would have more traits than having a 'right' way to do things. This would be apparent.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2021 12:09

He gets anger management or he leaves?

HumphreyCobblers · 12/08/2021 12:10

It sounds terrible, sorry.

It must be so stressful to live like this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
pineapplecat21 · 12/08/2021 12:11

anger management. He needs to see his GP about it. You cannot go on in that environment.

Original poster
Blackisthecolour · 12/08/2021 12:11

Spongedod maybe I should have said 'high functioning aspergers' - we watched a programme on Chris Packham who has this and basically it was like watching a programme about DH, even he said that he thought he had the same traits. He hasn't been diagnosed officially because he doesn't see the point but I just wanted to give some insight into why he might struggle when things deviate from the ideal.

OP posts:
pineapplecat21 · 12/08/2021 12:12

Tell him the point in getting diagonised is so he can seek help for his behaviour. Have you told him how he makes you feel? Have you asked him to seek help for his anger issues?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 12/08/2021 12:12

Get out now. No other advice, just get yourself and your kids as far away from him as possible, as soon as possible.

Original poster
Blackisthecolour · 12/08/2021 12:13

Everyone who knows him thinks he is the loveliest person ever, which he is but he just can't seem to calm down once he's started

OP posts:
HumdrumGuga · 12/08/2021 12:14

I don't know if it sounds that bad written down but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells not knowing what might set him off.

It sounds horrendous written down. Exh was like this, hence the ex. Your kids should not be in this atmosphere.

housewifeathome · 12/08/2021 12:15

Have you spoken to him about these episodes and what was his response? Does he acknowledge them and that he is wrong to react like that?

PS I have an adult family member with diagnosed Asperger's and no, personally, I don't think it is that causing these outbursts.

mewkins · 12/08/2021 12:19

Imagine how much better your holiday would have been without him exploding with anger over minor inconveniences.

Akire · 12/08/2021 12:20

It’s ok to be annoyed about kitten peeing on floor or kids getting wet but that’s life move on not the end of the world. If they are sulking for hours and hours and can’t see how that affects rest of the family somethings got to give. Are you basically on edge the whole time at home
Or out case you don’t get served right coffee or find a park space or million of other reasons? You wouldn’t keep seeing a friend who did this would you?

Original poster
Blackisthecolour · 12/08/2021 12:20

I have tried to speak to him and tell him he needs some help to help him be able to calm down and put things into perspective but I think he would prefer to bail on the marriage quite honestly, he is very stubborn.

OP posts:
Driftingbees · 12/08/2021 12:20

Op I'm sorry about your dad and I'm afraid it does look bad written down. You shouldn't have to deal with it, it is your dh's problem. Shouting at you over the kids coats sounds way, way, over the line.

The way you describe it, he sounds frustrated rather than angry, but that is NO excuse if he constantly expresses his frustration in an angry way.

When did this start and does he ever direct his anger towards the DC?

Would he seek help with stress or anger management? I think I would be making this a condition of continuing the relationship.

TerraNovaTwo · 12/08/2021 12:22

Divorce

It's worked wonder for my emotional well-being and overall life satisfaction.

If you think your H will miraculously change by undergoing anger management, you are naive and sorely mistaken. Flowers

lboogy · 12/08/2021 12:24

@Blackisthecolour

I have tried to speak to him and tell him he needs some help to help him be able to calm down and put things into perspective but I think he would prefer to bail on the marriage quite honestly, he is very stubborn.
Then he has to go. You can't allow someone who can't control their emotions treat you this way.
AmandaHoldensLips · 12/08/2021 12:24

"Walking on eggshells" is just a euphemism for living in fear.

This kind of behaviour causes untold damage to kids. You have a choice about whether you continue to live in fear of your husband's uncontrollable temper. It's a really shitty way to behave, and an even shittier way to live.

spongedod · 12/08/2021 12:27

@Blackisthecolour

Spongedod maybe I should have said 'high functioning aspergers' - we watched a programme on Chris Packham who has this and basically it was like watching a programme about DH, even he said that he thought he had the same traits. He hasn't been diagnosed officially because he doesn't see the point but I just wanted to give some insight into why he might struggle when things deviate from the ideal.

Of course he doesn't see the point. He will lose his excuse for being violent if he isn't diagnosed. Why would he risk that.

Let's please not make this another bloody autism = violent arsehole thread.

There are no excuses for his reactions irrespective of whether he is autistic or not. He is a grown adult and can exercise control if he so chooses. He doesn't . Face the facts and get rid of him.

Themadcatparade · 12/08/2021 12:28

Is he like this with other people outside the family?

Op this is dreadful he speaks to you like this and sounds abusive. I don’t tend to use that word lightly either, do you honestly think it’s okay for any adult to speak to another human being the way he does to you?

The silent treatment for 3 hours after the coat thing as well, majorly out of proportion for the situation and it’s three full hours of punishment towards you. That’s not okay, aspergers or not.

TeapotCollection · 12/08/2021 12:28

“I feel like I'm walking on eggshells not knowing what might set him off”

I did this for years OP, it’s NO way to live. You deserve so much better and so do your children

He won’t change, it’ll only get worse

2isamagicnumber · 12/08/2021 12:30

I don’t think the possible Aspergers explains or justifies his behaviour. For what it’s worth my ex husband has Aspergers and he avoids conflict altogether. Though I appreciate people with Aspergers can present varied behaviour. I think it’s important that your husband understands the consequences of his actions. It’s fine to be angry but he doesn’t need to act on it. Your husband could do with trying to regulate his behaviour. I’m a teacher and we use zones of regulation so children can understand that how they feel and how you behave are two different things. He can’t change how he feels as such but he can work on his actions. I’m not surprised you feel like you are walking on eggshells. If your husband would rather walk away than try to change his behaviour that tells you everything you need to know.

Galassia · 12/08/2021 12:30

He sounds like an immature big baby who puts it all on you go do everything and when things don’t go to plan he becomes a drama queen and blames you.

I couldn’t put up with that and fail to see anything ‘lovely’ that you say he is that could compensate for that nasty behaviour. And yes, it is nasty behaviour.

You deserve and can do better as the older he gets the worse he will become.

housewifeathome · 12/08/2021 12:30

If he would prefer to bail on the marriage then that is very telling. He doesn't value you as much as he should.

I don't think you sound happy, which is understandable. I've been there and I got out of the relationship.

It might help if you try to weigh up whether the bad times outweigh the good in your marriage.

TeapotCollection · 12/08/2021 12:31

AmandaHoldensLips "Walking on eggshells" is just a euphemism for living in fear.

^ this is VERY true, but no way would I have admitted this when I was in the situation myself

TippledPink · 12/08/2021 12:36

My OH can be like this so I do empathise. The littlest thing can not go right and he starts saying how everything's a 'nightmare'. It can be so frustrating, sometimes I dread telling him things as I know he will declare it's a nightmare and O shouldn't have done it/should have stopped it/shouldn't have said yes to it etc etc.