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Original poster

How do I deal with an uptight/ angry husband?

86 replies

Blackisthecolour · 12/08/2021 12:06

We've been married for 13 years, generally very good during that time and he is usually lovely but he has a major issue with catastrophizing, going from 0-60 over small things which is making me completely miserable.

Examples:

The morning of going away for a weekend our kitten peed on the front door mat. He hadn't yet been fixed and possibly had a UTI (both now sorted). DH went totally nuts, shouting angrily that the cat was going to ruin the house and it was my fault for wanting a cat in the first place, ranting and kicking a bag down the corridor. He was in a bad mood for the next 5 hours (roughly).

While away he asked if I thought the kids (10 and 9) needed their jackets to walk into town as it might rain, I said I thought we'd be ok but it started raining halfway (walk was 20 mins in total so had a further 10 mins to walk in the drizzle). He got really angry, shouting at me that it was my fault for not 'letting him' bring the jackets. He was then in a bad mood for next 3 hours.

I rang him yesterday to tell him my brother had ordered our DC some football kits as they treat from my Dad, again he started ranting that he probably wouldn't have got the sizing right so would have wasted money and the kids wouldn't get enough wear out of them. I ended up having to ring my brother to check he'd got the right size (he had).

Talked this morning about the possibility of going abroad in a couple of weeks. I mentioned that it clashed with a weekend away that I'd booked and I might lose the money, again hit the roof saying 'I thought you'd booked it to pay on arrival and you told me it was cancellable up to 24 hours before' - it doesn't sound that bad written down but he says it very aggressively/angrily. He was right, I had but momentarily forgotten but by this point he was already angry so said 'let's not fucking bother' and slammed the phone down on me.

I don't know if it sounds that bad written down but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells not knowing what might set him off. He gets so angry about daft things like briefly misplacing his dad's father's day card, or not being able to find the swimming bag, and it honestly can put him in bad mood for hours.

I love him but God, what can we do about this?

For completeness my dad is currently terminally ill with cancer and I feel less equipped to deal with this than ever.

Also, I suspect that DH has mild aspergers (he agrees) and is very set in his way about things- there's definitely a 'right' way to do most things for him and he gets very stressed and unhappy if we don't stick to it.

We have a great life otherwise, good health, nice house, no money worries but I feel like it's hard to feel happy when the smallest thing can set him off.

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 12/08/2021 12:36

Get divorced. If he wanted to change, he’d just get on with it.

OliviaNewtAndJohn · 12/08/2021 12:40

@Blackisthecolour

Everyone who knows him thinks he is the loveliest person ever, which he is but he just can't seem to calm down once he's started
Does he ever kick bags down the hall at work or in a restaurant or at a friend’s house?
lachy · 12/08/2021 12:45

Is he the same with work colleagues, friends, family? If he's NOT flying off the handle with them, and only with you that's a concern.

To be blunt, you need to sort this out pronto. Stop making excuses for what you know is unacceptable behaviour.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
IdblowJonSnow · 12/08/2021 19:11

I suggest you lose your shit with him for a change and tell him he's a pathetic bully who over reacts and spoils days out/family time.

If he'd rather divorce than face up to things and get help then divorce him!

What message is he giving to your kids?!

ThePenIsBlue · 12/08/2021 20:22

He sounds desperately unhappy/ depressed. I happy people don’t just lie in bed crying. It comes out in all sorts of ways. I’m not excusing it or saying it’s acceptable, I’m just saying there may be something deeper going on

Guineapigbridge · 12/08/2021 20:28

Give him a chance, Jesus, we are all on edge coming out of the pandemic. People's mental health is shot! It's not the right time to make decisions about divorce, etc.

Kind ways of dealing with this usually follow the golden rule of Do Unto Others. What would you want if you were beyond stressed, like he sounds like he is? How about offering him the ability to go on a holiday or retreat by himself for a week? Would more sex help? (men find sex very stress relieving). Just try being kind first. This is your marriage we're talking about, not some insignificant throwaway thing.

spongedod · 12/08/2021 20:30

@ThePenIsBlue

He sounds desperately unhappy/ depressed. I happy people don’t just lie in bed crying. It comes out in all sorts of ways. I’m not excusing it or saying it’s acceptable, I’m just saying there may be something deeper going on

I must have missed something. Where has Op said he is lying in bed crying?

Mojoj · 12/08/2021 20:31

I feel stressed just reading your post. This is no way to live, pussyfooting around a grown man. And sulking? WTF? Would you put up with this behaviour from your kids? I'd tell him how his behaviour makes you feel and if he's not willing to change, then that should tell you all you need to know about how he feels about you and your kids.

spongedod · 12/08/2021 20:31

@Guineapigbridge

Give him a chance, Jesus, we are all on edge coming out of the pandemic. People's mental health is shot! It's not the right time to make decisions about divorce, etc. Kind ways of dealing with this usually follow the golden rule of Do Unto Others. What would you want if you were beyond stressed, like he sounds like he is? How about offering him the ability to go on a holiday or retreat by himself for a week? Would more sex help? (men find sex very stress relieving). Just try being kind first. This is your marriage we're talking about, not some insignificant throwaway thing.

Did you actually just say

'Give him a chance' and 'offer him more sex' ?

Did you actually just say that? On a thread where a man has violent outbursts and is emotionally abusive Hmm

cansu · 12/08/2021 20:42

I live with someone with ASD and very much recognise this inability to deal with anything going 'wrong'. I am very much living a separate life now and things are much better as the behaviour doesn't impact me in the same way. I have to be honest OP that it will not get better unless your dp recognises that his way of dealing with his feelings is not acceptable and even then I am not sure that everyone with asd is capable of changing these behaviours. I think that the behaviour outside is a bit of a red herring as I know that the person I live with is more difficult at home because that is the place he can be his real self. Personally, I would get out. My reasons for living in the same house are largely financial. If I had the means, I would get out.

spongedod · 12/08/2021 20:56

I live with someone with ASD and very much recognise this inability to deal with anything going 'wrong'.

Not coping with things changing or going wrong due to being autistic doesn't give leave to treat other people like crap. Also, he hasn't been assessed or diagnosed and OP has given absolutely no indication that he has any traits - all she has said is he is a nasty cunt when things don't go his way. Just to her by the way, all his friends and family think he is nice Hmm

ADHDgirl · 12/08/2021 21:19

OP I massively sympathise with you my DP is almost certainly autistic but his DM refused to have him assessed as a kid and still doesn’t believe he has it, he definitely does but he doesn’t see the point in a diagnosis. He has so many traits and I noticed it on our first date, things were very very good so I decided to give us a proper go.

However we’ve been living together about a year now and oh my goodness the inability to deal with anything going wrong is awful he’s missed all kinds of events and days out because of it, he’s so rigid and militant and he’s ALWAYS right - he can never see anyone else’s point of view because he thinks so logically that how can anything else be right? He wants me to change the person I am and I just can’t do that, not at 36 years old, I’m placid, too nice, non shouty, very forgiving to a detriment and whilst yes a few of these I need to work on so that I’m not a total pushover, I don’t feel I will ever change ENOUGH for him if that makes sense - I am who I am.

I feel too like I’m walking on eggshells and a shouting outburst the other night has confirmed to me that our relationship is over. I really struggle with things like this and my brain needs time to compute it all before executing it, we’ve not spoken in days, but because the kids are off school I’ve no time to sit and think and be with my thoughts/plan. It’s so hard. I just know it’s over.

I think things like this will never get better and it’s no way to live OP it truly brings you down especially if every other aspect of your relationship is good like mine. Some things can’t be forgiven.

NowEvenBetter · 12/08/2021 22:07

Guineapig your ‘advice’ is extra trash since you failed to notice OPs father is dying , and yet she manages to not violently abuse her whole family. Shagging your abuser to appease him is the most morally reprehensible ‘advice’ I’ve ever seen.

Notluckyjustnaive · 12/08/2021 22:18

My ex was exactly the same- blew up about all manor of anything really. Controlling and coercive- ended up smashing the house up and I finished it with him- gave me mental health issues but I’m alive, just about.

Guineapigbridge · 12/08/2021 22:36

@NowEvenBetter the thing is, most people when viewed through the expectation of perfection seemingly required of men on this forum, would fall short. Aren't you ever grumpy, or shouty, or stressed? I am. I'm a shitbag sometimes but my husband forgives me because he loves me.

Big jump between shouting and grumpiness, and being abusive.

Gangreeeeen · 12/08/2021 22:37

My DP can do this, and I have to say that quite a lot of the time, it's a reaction after I automatically dismiss or contradict something he says. I noticed some of your examples were him asking or suggesting something, and you immediately saying no.

Hear me out. It is hard to see this as a problem but when I really think about what I say to him, even though my intentions were good - just trying to save time, or I know best because I'm always the one who does it etc etc. Just imagine, that every time you make a suggestion, it gets shot down. I think I'd feel peed off about it and start to resent it.

And so I now try reeeeeaaaally hard not to do it. But wow it is hard. Life is just such a hurry as a mum. Trying to just get things done.

It's not an excuse for the bad moods and anger burst scenarios but.. he may be feeling trapped and powerless. He may be overreacting but we feel what we feel. I'd spend a few weeks being extra observant and see if you can't pick up on some things that are wheedling away at his sense of worth.

Gangreeeeen · 12/08/2021 22:43

Just to clarify what I've been trying to do. When he suggests a thing, I pause my brain, and automatically say, maybe yeah! Then assess in my head how important is it that the right decision is made? Raincoats - not important, tell him yeah, good idea go for it. Cat wee? Yeah you are so right, what a pain in the arse, I'm sorry. Stupid cat. We love her though really?
I dunno. Treating him like a toddler? I've no idea Grin

Popcornbetty · 12/08/2021 22:45

Does your dh suffer from anxiety and any ocd? The behavioural traits you mention sound like he may. I think he sounds stressed, is there an underlying cause for his overreactions that could be addressed? Or maybe he just likes everything a certain way and that clashes with your way of doing things. If that is the case he needs to accept there is no right or wrong. I think a long talk is in order and trying to get him to open up about why he is getting so frustrated.

Isthisbatcountry · 12/08/2021 22:48

My DH was like this. It all came to a head and I told him if he didn't do something about it we were done. About three years ago he went for CBT specifically to deal with anger. He is so much better now. Not perfect (but who is?). Honestly, your situation was almost identical to mine. He now has an occasional outburst but takes himself out of the situation to sort his head out. The only times I feel really uncomfortable now is when he drives but I give him a free pass on that front.
There is hope, if you're DH is willing to face up to his demons.

Gilead · 12/08/2021 22:52

I am Autistic. I am not an abusive arse. I don’t care if he came across like Chris Packham, he can’t see the point of getting a dx because he’s worried they’ll say he’s just abusive, and that’s what he is. How are your children coping with this?

timeisnotaline · 12/08/2021 23:07

When we have talked about things that really bother me, when my dh has said dismissive things once like if you just can’t get over this then maybe we just aren’t working, I have absolutely agreed with him, as if he isn’t willing to work on these then we aren’t working as a couple and I don’t want the marriage on those terms. (Mine backtracked very quickly in this case, he is one of those annoying people who say all the stupid things when arguing and is sorry later)

Sparrowfeeder · 12/08/2021 23:07

My DP has ASD and does this. It’s hard to live with.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/08/2021 23:39

@Blackisthecolour

Spongedod maybe I should have said 'high functioning aspergers' - we watched a programme on Chris Packham who has this and basically it was like watching a programme about DH, even he said that he thought he had the same traits. He hasn't been diagnosed officially because he doesn't see the point but I just wanted to give some insight into why he might struggle when things deviate from the ideal.
Autism isn't an excuse for angry outbursts. I know a lot of Autistic/anxious children who are learning how to use emotional regulation techniques. It's not an always works, but also not something he can't help. That's the point of a diagnosis, support, not just shrugging and going I can't help it. He sounds like an angry man rather than an Autistic one, but either way he needs to explore every avenue possible, exhaust any help he can access and at least try to minimise the hurt he's causing his family. Look into something like the zones of regulation, learn it together as a family. Or he does a course in anger management. If he won't even try then you know he thinks the way he treats you and your DC is fine.

A quick note, much of the Autistic community is very uncomfortable with the use of the term Asperger's because of his treatment of disabled children. It's all Autism, or ASD/ASC if speaking in the medical or diagnostic sense.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/08/2021 23:45

I have an Autistic DB, an Autistic BIL and Autistic DSs. As I'm not Autistic myself I'm guided by the preferences of the greater Autistic community I'm a part of.

mathanxiety · 12/08/2021 23:52

He hasn't been diagnosed officially because he doesn't see the point

You need to help him see the point.

Before that though, you need to ask yourself if your lovely life is worth what this is doing to you, and importantly, to your children. You have a choice about how you live your life. Your children do not. Is this the childhood you envisioned for them when they were born? To my dying day I will regret bitterly choosing to stay with a man whose behaviour didn't look that bad written down.

A solicitor's letter including the words 'divorce' and 'coercive control' might set him straight.

Tell him he has a choice, and spell out to him that he will be the one who leaves if he lets his stubbornness and pride get the upper hand.

..................
Big jump between shouting and grumpiness, and being abusive.
No, actually, it isn't a big jump. When someone is left walking on eggshells it's abuse, and the intentions of the shouter are not the basis on which to judge the situation.