How do I deal with an uptight/ angry husband?

[Blackisthecolour]

We've been married for 13 years, generally very good during that time and he is usually lovely but he has a major issue with catastrophizing, going from 0-60 over small things which is making me completely miserable.

Examples:

The morning of going away for a weekend our kitten peed on the front door mat. He hadn't yet been fixed and possibly had a UTI (both now sorted). DH went totally nuts, shouting angrily that the cat was going to ruin the house and it was my fault for wanting a cat in the first place, ranting and kicking a bag down the corridor. He was in a bad mood for the next 5 hours (roughly).

While away he asked if I thought the kids (10 and 9) needed their jackets to walk into town as it might rain, I said I thought we'd be ok but it started raining halfway (walk was 20 mins in total so had a further 10 mins to walk in the drizzle). He got really angry, shouting at me that it was my fault for not 'letting him' bring the jackets. He was then in a bad mood for next 3 hours.

I rang him yesterday to tell him my brother had ordered our DC some football kits as they treat from my Dad, again he started ranting that he probably wouldn't have got the sizing right so would have wasted money and the kids wouldn't get enough wear out of them. I ended up having to ring my brother to check he'd got the right size (he had).

Talked this morning about the possibility of going abroad in a couple of weeks. I mentioned that it clashed with a weekend away that I'd booked and I might lose the money, again hit the roof saying 'I thought you'd booked it to pay on arrival and you told me it was cancellable up to 24 hours before' - it doesn't sound that bad written down but he says it very aggressively/angrily. He was right, I had but momentarily forgotten but by this point he was already angry so said 'let's not fucking bother' and slammed the phone down on me.

I don't know if it sounds that bad written down but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells not knowing what might set him off. He gets so angry about daft things like briefly misplacing his dad's father's day card, or not being able to find the swimming bag, and it honestly can put him in bad mood for hours.

I love him but God, what can we do about this?

For completeness my dad is currently terminally ill with cancer and I feel less equipped to deal with this than ever.

Also, I suspect that DH has mild aspergers (he agrees) and is very set in his way about things- there's definitely a 'right' way to do most things for him and he gets very stressed and unhappy if we don't stick to it.

We have a great life otherwise, good health, nice house, no money worries but I feel like it's hard to feel happy when the smallest thing can set him off.

I am the child of this marriage and at 35 I am still dealing with the consequences of dealing with an angry parent. I suffer from extreme anxiety and it has affected every aspect of my life. I'm still sad that I was never protected from it and years of counselling has barely made a dent in the emotional damage it caused.

You need to actually forget about your own feelings and put your children's needs first. They don't get to chose their childhood but you do.

@onelittlefrog

How much insight does he have into his behaviour?

Enough that he is 'the loveliest person' to everyone but his wife

Does he behave like this at work.

Another nasty abusive twat using the excuse of Aspergers/Autism.
This is very offensive , my son has HFA and has never had a tantrum or been nasty, this is a recurring theme on MN, excusing abusive angry men as having HFA.
Your DH is a cunt pure and simple no excuses.

To add, if he’s lovely to everyone else this proves he’s abusive to you, he’s choosing who to be angry at.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, and to hear what you're going through in your marriage.

Here's my take on it.

Your husband needs help. It's VERY difficult for many people to accept this - and particularly men. He needs to understand how damaging his behaviour is to your marriage. If he wants to remain married to you, he needs to take steps towards addressing the root cause of his outbursts.

I've had many partners with anger issues. Often, when we lack assertiveness, we will end up in situations that force us to find a more assertive version of ourselves. So, this is something to think seriously about.

In each case, the root cause - and motivation - of my partners' anger was different.

In one case, he had control issues stemming from low self-esteem, untreated depression/anxiety, and so on. If the tiniest thing went wrong, he would spiral and be in a mood for days. It made me absolutely miserable. He would drink to self-regulate, and he was only really happy when drunk. We're now best friends (live together, have pets together - he's basically my platonic life partner), and he finally sought treatment, on his own accord. He stopped drinking altogether, got into healthy living, and started a course of anti-depressants. It was like a night and day change. I left our romantic relationship because of his behaviour (amongst other things) - but we still have an amazing relationship, because of the changes. If you love your husband, stick by him - but he has to make changes. Otherwise, you need to stick by YOURSELF and be really honest with yourself about the quality of life you are really living.

In another case (my last long-term partner), her anger also stemmed from control issues. But this was different. While the partner above never blamed ME for anything (just spiralled in general), my last partner absolutely did. If she couldn't find an item of clothing, it was MY fault for moving it. If we had a disagreement, it was MY fault for being spoiled/clingy/difficult. One time, we'd arranged to do something, and there was a lot of stress involved in preparing for it. On the drive to the event, she suddenly realised it was a national holiday and the place would be closed. She lived in another country and I had no possible way of knowing there was a national holiday there. Yet, she found a way to make it my fault. Constant screaming and shouting and blaming. I consider that to have been an abusive relationship, and I left after 6 years. My mood has never been more stable, my life has never been more free and peaceful, than it has been since I left her.

OP, you need to seriously have a think about how much you're willing to put up with. Marriage takes work on BOTH sides. You can have patience and compassion for him and put in 100% work on your side in that regard, but he has to be willing to do 100% of the work on his side. Also, the blaming needs to stop now. As in, you sit down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you won't stand for it. You tell him that if he's willing to work on things, you'll love him and stay with him. But that if he's not, you guys are heading for divorce. It's not about using divorce as a threat, but about letting him know the reality. You only have to say it once. If you don't, you'll head towards leaving him in your own mind, without giving him a real chance to wake up in time. If you love him, and you love yourself, speak up clearly.

Also, just to add -

You don't just need money and a nice house to survive in life.

You need emotional and physical safety. Constant rage attacks are terrifying. Living in a perpetual state of fear is so insanely harmful to your physical health. Look up the impacts of long-term stress. It's not just psychological.

@Guineapigbridge I accept that women can also have grumps and be verbally abusive. The difference is that men do not fear for their lives generally when women do that. Men being verbally aggressive can tip very quickly into physical aggression. Speaking from experience.

Mine was like this. I spent years walking on eggshells and dancing around his moods. Even having to wait for 30 seconds whilst I locked the door or me wanting to read a book rather than watch endless channel flicking tv with him seemed to enrage him. I saw him do quite a few things In Our marriage that should have triggered me leaving. Some of these were super serious, including slapping my sons face when he was three and viciously kicking the dog for running off. Into the woods on a walk. But I didn't because I was afraid. And I am so ashamed. My view is that there is no fix apart from making him an ex. I let his girlfriend deal with him now and the now teenage kids largely live with me. The dog came with me too and lived a long and happy life knowing only gentleness. I have told the kids how ashamed I am.

He sounds awful. Does he behave abusively to people in his workplace, or just to his family? If it is just you guys, then he is definitely making a choice.

Your dc shouldn't be exposed to this.