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Original poster

How do I deal with an uptight/ angry husband?

86 replies

Blackisthecolour · 12/08/2021 12:06

We've been married for 13 years, generally very good during that time and he is usually lovely but he has a major issue with catastrophizing, going from 0-60 over small things which is making me completely miserable.

Examples:

The morning of going away for a weekend our kitten peed on the front door mat. He hadn't yet been fixed and possibly had a UTI (both now sorted). DH went totally nuts, shouting angrily that the cat was going to ruin the house and it was my fault for wanting a cat in the first place, ranting and kicking a bag down the corridor. He was in a bad mood for the next 5 hours (roughly).

While away he asked if I thought the kids (10 and 9) needed their jackets to walk into town as it might rain, I said I thought we'd be ok but it started raining halfway (walk was 20 mins in total so had a further 10 mins to walk in the drizzle). He got really angry, shouting at me that it was my fault for not 'letting him' bring the jackets. He was then in a bad mood for next 3 hours.

I rang him yesterday to tell him my brother had ordered our DC some football kits as they treat from my Dad, again he started ranting that he probably wouldn't have got the sizing right so would have wasted money and the kids wouldn't get enough wear out of them. I ended up having to ring my brother to check he'd got the right size (he had).

Talked this morning about the possibility of going abroad in a couple of weeks. I mentioned that it clashed with a weekend away that I'd booked and I might lose the money, again hit the roof saying 'I thought you'd booked it to pay on arrival and you told me it was cancellable up to 24 hours before' - it doesn't sound that bad written down but he says it very aggressively/angrily. He was right, I had but momentarily forgotten but by this point he was already angry so said 'let's not fucking bother' and slammed the phone down on me.

I don't know if it sounds that bad written down but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells not knowing what might set him off. He gets so angry about daft things like briefly misplacing his dad's father's day card, or not being able to find the swimming bag, and it honestly can put him in bad mood for hours.

I love him but God, what can we do about this?

For completeness my dad is currently terminally ill with cancer and I feel less equipped to deal with this than ever.

Also, I suspect that DH has mild aspergers (he agrees) and is very set in his way about things- there's definitely a 'right' way to do most things for him and he gets very stressed and unhappy if we don't stick to it.

We have a great life otherwise, good health, nice house, no money worries but I feel like it's hard to feel happy when the smallest thing can set him off.

OP posts:

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 12/08/2021 23:54

Although you might see similarities with the program I don’t think you can diagnose your DH yourself

I do however think that you can’t change his behalf especially if he doesn’t see it as a problem

PatricksRum · 12/08/2021 23:57

I suspect that DH has mild aspergers

What's that?

NinaGonk · 12/08/2021 23:59

Why are so many men like this??

My dad was the same. Huge black moods and throwing objects to show his rage. Other than that, lovely! I grew up scared to speak, which has affected me throughout my life.

I have seen my step dad, my ex and my brother, all punch holes in walls. Aggressive driving is another way of showing their rage. But again they are mostly lovely people.

I'm trying to show my DS that if he is upset he can have a good cry and move on. Maybe that will avoid this shitty behaviour pattern.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 13/08/2021 00:02

CBT can be really good, if it's anxiety or depression coming out as anger. Bottom line if he's not prepared to do anything, you're left with ultimatum, leave or put up with it. I think my DH may be Autistic, but it doesn't matter if he is or not because he's not willing to do anything about it, so we're done.

PPs can say he's anxious or struggling with his mental health or Autistic, but none of that means you owe it to him to stay walking on eggshells. It shouldn't be go on supporting his mental health if it's at the expense of destroying yours.

crackofdoom · 13/08/2021 00:09

I am autistic, and I used to have angry outbursts when things didn’t go right/ I was hyper stressed. But it’s no way to treat the people around you, it needed to be fixed. CBT was a godsend, and now I am much better at managing my emotions (—except today- premenstrual, fasting, with a six year old going through some massive emotions of his own and behaving accordingly. Tomorrow is another day —).

So I think the question is, really, “How has he got to this stage of life without realising it’s unacceptable to have these kind of angry outbursts and seeking to address them?”

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2021 00:13

@AmandaHoldensLips

"Walking on eggshells" is just a euphemism for living in fear.

This kind of behaviour causes untold damage to kids. You have a choice about whether you continue to live in fear of your husband's uncontrollable temper. It's a really shitty way to behave, and an even shittier way to live.

I completely agree with this. The reason for your husband's anger is immaterial - the presence of the anger is all that counts.

"Everyone who knows him thinks he is the loveliest person ever, which he is but he just can't seem to calm down once he's started"
This intrigues me, because 'everyone' wouldn't think that he was lovely at all if they'd ever been on the receiving end of his outbursts. So 'everyone' - everyone except you - has NOT been on the receiving end. Just you. And that tells me that he has some control over whether he gets angry or not. And chooses not to control it with you. CHOOSES.

BOWIELOVERLOL · 13/08/2021 00:45

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BowieFan101 · 13/08/2021 00:45

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NeverDropYourMoonCup · 13/08/2021 00:50

Tell him to fuck off, he no longer lives with you due to his aggression and abuse and you're getting divorced. And mean it.

He's being verbally and physically aggressive - that bag being kicked down the hall was a substitute for what he wanted it to be - the kitten. The rest, just more of the same, really. But that bag was the greatest hint to what was actually in his mind at the time.

Summerfun54321 · 13/08/2021 00:56

I couldn’t be arsed living with someone like that OP. Your kids probably aren’t loving it either. Verbally abusing in front of your children then punishing you with 3 hours of silent treatment because of a mistake about taking coats out for the kids for 10mins of drizzle? It doesn’t sound like Aspergers. It sounds like he’s a massive twat.

thenewduchessofhastings · 13/08/2021 01:02

My DH is on the waiting list for an assessment for ADHD/ASD.

He's been under the care of a psychiatrist for a long time and has diagnosed depression/anxiety/OCD.

He's had CBT;it's been an absolute life saver;he's literally a changed man;it took awhile for the CBT to manifest itself in our daily life but bit by bit things got better;some of my previous posts on here show how I hit rock bottom with being afraid of my own voice in my own home;at the start of 2021 I was determined this was the year I'd leave my DH and start over.

Things aren't always perfect;we still have this odd crossed word but it's in a normal we're married and we'll have the odd spat way.

My DH has had to make some huge changes,we've had to support him in those changes and we've had to adapt.

I never thought we'd be here;I thought he'd never change.

There is help out there but if he's unwilling to take it then there's no point in staying with him because being trapped in that sort of environment is absolute hell.

mynameisbrian · 13/08/2021 01:14

I feel for you - your dealing with a father with a terminal illness and a husband who loses it for hours over nothing.

Has he always been like this or has it got worse now your dad is ill? Either way this isn’t right and suggesting he may have aspergers is just avoiding the real issue. This must be horrible for your DC

tomorrowalready · 13/08/2021 02:38

I would be very concerned about what might happen to that kitten let alone your children.. Due to circumstances my younger siblings and I were subjected to this kind of behaviour from our older brother and sister. Neither of them were able to control their extreme reactions to trivial events or allow others to control family life. Violence did result including to pets. the fear and tension were completely normalised. I only realised after i had left home what affect it had on me and it has taken a lifetime to begin to get over. My brother's domineering behaviour only stopped years after adulthood when he was seen having a meltdown by an outsider over nothing but he had imagined nobody outside the family knew how he behaved. But I was equally fearful of my sister until she died. I think your husband does need a lot of help but he needs to know how damaging his behaviour is.

Fantail · 13/08/2021 03:44

Nope - if he can’t see how his behaviour is affecting his family and won’t try to change then you need to think about leaving.

He doesn’t care enough about you and the kids to investigate what he can do to understand and change his behaviour.

You wouldn’t accept 5 hour long tantrums from a 3 year old.

Polkadots2021 · 13/08/2021 04:27

@Blackisthecolour

Examples:

I love him but God, what can we do about this?

For completeness my dad is currently terminally ill with cancer and I feel less equipped to deal with this than ever.

We have a great life otherwise, good health, nice house, no money worries but I feel like it's hard to feel happy when the smallest thing can set him off.

Forget about Asperger's or why your DH is like this, point is, he IS like this at a time when your dear dad is terminally ill. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through that. Tell him you need some time apart, &/or that he needs anger management as you can't cope with his drama at a time like this.

From a professional perspective I see a lot of angry middle aged men clients (I'm a PT). It's usually just too much stress, not nearly as much exercise as they need, sometimes a bit too much drink, end result is stress hormones way too high and dopamine etc way too low, and they are just angry and stressed all the time. Not Asperger's just mismanagement of their own biology. I've seen some amazing turnarounds from the ones who really got into a regular gym programme and improved their diet, it totally changed them.

Leavesofautumn · 13/08/2021 05:44

When someone is left walking on eggshells it's abuse, and the intentions of the shouter are not the basis on which to judge the situation.

Yes. This is abuse.

You're in an abusive relationship, OP.

Constantly feeling like you're walking on eggshells. Classic sign of abuse.

Going from 0-60 over small things. Classic sign of abuse. Make no mistake, this is deliberate on his part. It's done to "keep you on your toes".

Making mountains out of molehills. Classic sign of abuse.

Everyone else's thinks he's lovely. Classic sign on abuse.

I'm sorry about what's happening to your dad. I know it makes everything hard to cope with. But one day, you need to leave your abusive DH.

Earlydancing · 13/08/2021 05:51

I don't know if it sounds that bad written down

Actually it sounds bloody horrible.

SamVimes6 · 13/08/2021 05:56

I’d behaving some harsh truth ps with my DH if he was as rude and nasty as yours.

Tell him, in no uncertainty, that you’ve had enough. If he ever talks to you like that again, you will be looking at a divorce. You absolutely will leave/ask him to leave. And mean it!

I bet he doesn’t fly off the handle at his colleagues or friends like this, so why it it ok to be verbally abusive to you.

You say you live him, but sometimes live isn’t enough, the man sounds like a pig.

SamVimes6 · 13/08/2021 05:56

love him.

Iwonder08 · 13/08/2021 06:24

Might be aspergers, might be just him being a dick. Either way the effect is the same.
It is one of this rare ultimatum times. He either gets psychological help or you walk away. He shouts at you now, he will start shouting at kids soon. Then what?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/08/2021 07:37

Have you ever lost your shit with him and told him he’s completely out of order behaving like this or are you scared to?

If my DH had done that on holiday over a couple of coats I’d have left him to it for the day and taken the kids off somewhere.

spongedod · 13/08/2021 07:43

Might be aspergers, might be just him being a dick.

He's being a dick. It's ridiculous to suggest a man who is an absolute dick to his wife but 'the loveliest person ever' to anyone else who knows him is being so because of autism. We really need to stop this idea. It's harmful. To both autistic people and the women who excuse their abusive husbands based on the fact that they think they might be autistic. It's disgusting.

onelittlefrog · 13/08/2021 07:51

@Blackisthecolour

Spongedod maybe I should have said 'high functioning aspergers' - we watched a programme on Chris Packham who has this and basically it was like watching a programme about DH, even he said that he thought he had the same traits. He hasn't been diagnosed officially because he doesn't see the point but I just wanted to give some insight into why he might struggle when things deviate from the ideal.

Aspergers is high functioning - that is the whole point. It's high functioning autism. They are the same thing. "Aspergers" isn't really given as a diagnosis now, it's a little outdated, although some people still prefer it.

None of this means your DH does or doesn't have it. He'd have to get an assessment but honestly, at this stage in life, there won't be much support so it will only be worth it if he wants a diagnosis to help explain things.

How much insight does he have into his behaviour? Does he want to change? Do you talk to him about it and how does he respond? These are all important things as if he is going to change anything the starting point has to be that he wants to.

Once he acknowledges his behaviour you can get him to see a GP/ counsellor to start to unpick some of this. If he won't acknowledge it though I don't know where that leaves you - I guess you need to decide if this is something you can live with or not.

freeandfierce · 13/08/2021 07:54

Hi OP

Firstly sorry to hear about your Father. I could have written your post! I was in a very similar situation, all I can say is that over time it escalated and my h became unbearable to live with. My body was operating on high alert all the time which then caused me physical and mental health issues. I walked after 28 years, it was only afterwards i realised how bad it had actually been because I had become conditioned to the coping mechanisms. This needs serious discussion and outside support. Life's too short. It will affect your children. It is affecting you.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 13/08/2021 07:59

For me personally Divorce
You are living in fear and its abuse.

I grew up with the "most charming lovely father" and had to endure listening to people tell me how lucky i was to have such an amazing dad.
Everything youve written here could have come from my childhood including the stubbornness (which in reality meant he was happy to cut his nose to spite his face)

The damage it caused was unreal. I had a very turbulent teens and 20s. God knows how but i fought my way out of it. I still have very messed up boundaries/issues.
He escalated over the years and my younger sibling got the worst of it. I would actually say its actually ruined their life. They think the sort of abuse you've outlined here is love and had a string of awful relationships culminating in a 2 year disaster of a marriage where they were domestically abused. My mother is destroyed over it and blames herself for staying. Its very sad.

You need to think about your children in all this.

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