I can’t bear him. God I just can’t

[Williesfillies]

Ex husband. Abusive. Divorce pending.
Having abused me financially so that I’ve had to go to court for finances he is now just moving onto the next thing. The. Children.

Currently he doesn’t do overnights, he is gearing up to take me to court but right now that’s how it is.

He’s seeing them this weekend. This has taken a week to arrange because he seems to have started some rule in his head that he won’t reply to me for 48 hours, so eg “can I see them x day?”
Me “yep, what time”
48 hours of total silence, until the day before at which point he will re appear and start arranging it last minute. It’s always last minute.

This week it’s over a return time, the youngest is fairly young, but I just said “what time roughly will you be dropping them off?” Which I don’t think was unreasonable, however, apparently that’s me dictating, he can’t possibly give a time, it will be whenever it is etc etc.

I would argue that I too need a life and having no time at all arranged means he can (and probably will) drop them back really early, so I can’t actually go out.

Tried setting a time ie “ok, well let’s say 7 then” which also got refused.

Eventually had to say that no time, no children and after a full day he came back with a time that is as late as possible and that he may change.

I can’t bear it. I’m a ball of anxiety and rage over this every time we have an interaction. I try to be polite, I try to say it’s for the children’s welfare, but you just can’t reason with him. He’s decided that I “won’t tell him what he’s doing” and that’s that, so that a reasonable question just becomes a battlefield until I have to say they aren’t going.

I can’t bear dealing with him. Even with him getting a court order it will continue like this.

O love , this will pass , they do grow up ( the children, not him , unfortunately) pick up drop off is going to need to be a 3rd party , arranged threw court order . Keep all texts to show need , his demands are not going to be seen as reasonable 💐

It’s just evidence for court of how we can’t co parent. I don’t think asking for a rough drop off time is unreasonable or controlling of me at all.

You're not unreasonable.

Treat him like a child. Say his words back to him within sentences. Make sure you are not passive aggressive with it though. State obvious patterns you are noticing ie the 48 hours thing.

Sometimes when people point out and acknowledge petty behaviours the person stops doing it as they’ve been discovered. Also continue to set simple boundaries.

‘I understand you are busy and communication is only possible every two days but i will need a time in regard to DC2’s return or I will not know when to return from X.’

If you ever need to use these communications in court you want to be seen as friendly, flexible, easy to communicate with. He will show himself up to be surly, aggressive and difficult no doubt.

I would say to him right you have the children from 11 til 7. I will be out. Please drop them back at the time arranged.

Arrange pick up and drop off through a third party.
He will have to stick to a reasonable time then.
Any family close by who may be willing to help short term?

In my experience the only way to deal with this is to create a boundary and stick to it.

So, you can collect at 2pm eg - be out until 2pm. If he doesn’t show, make plans and go out.

And then - you can bring DS back at 6pm. Do not be in before then! If 7pm rolls around, go and collect if possible.

Courts can and will have pick up and drop off times. And you can have a location added in to the court documents too.

If he doesn’t follow the court orders you’ll find yourself returning a lot to court.

Keep all correspondence to show how unreasonable he is and why set times and a place for pick up drop offs is required.

Also in court orders I’d have a clause added that if ex doesn’t turn up within a half hour without warning for pick ups you’ll go off and do your own thing and ex loses the contact for that day.

Your poor children he’s going to be such a horrible person to have contact with. My DC weren’t allowed to go to parties when at contact with their father, eventually friends realising would work around contact and have parties on my weekends only. My DC no longer see him.

3rd party for all communications and drop off/pick up.
This is the only way you will be able to get him having less control over you.

Sadly I don’t have a 3rd party I can use.

My issue is if I say, for example, 10-6 then he will simply not return at 6 on purpose, he will return hours later to prove a point.

If I’m not here then he will use that as a reason to try to keep them overnight, ie “oh look mums not in three hours before I was meant to drop you off, you look tired, you can stay at mine” (which is specifically not allowed at the moment)

My frustration is that I can be difficult, but I really try my best for the kids to be reasonable and flexible, but you cannot lay a single ground rule with him.
He would rather keep them out all day in the rain with nothing to do rather than bring them home earlier, unless of course doing that fucks up my plans, in which case that’s fine

Have it included if he returns children early he needs to inform you an hour beforehand. If he doesn’t return the children to you at the specified time he faces prison.

You’ll need a really good lawyer and plenty of evidence to show he will be scary and unreasonable.

How old are your DC?

I don’t want to sound like I’m throwing obstacles in the way of your good ideas, but this is how he is.
Even with a court order he will just do what he feels like doing.
He is very anti any boundaries on his behaviour, so my asking what time to bring them home will be described as “controlling” he seems to think he’s funny and endearing by being late and so last minute, when he’s not. He’s just really irritating and leaves me with children who are really not fussed about seeing him because it’s just such hard work

Kids are 12/8/5

Oh he does sound awful you have my sympathies.

Contact centre?

One the schools are back can at least one of drop off /pick up be there? Or a sports/activity club? Then at least the time is fixed

You Def need a court order and when he breaks that hell mend him.

What would happen if you tell him that he can’t drop off between certain times because you wont be in ?

We won’t fall into a contact centre category really.

All I want is him to say “I will pick up at x time and drop off at x time” and not give a load of old pony about “oh I will be too I’m the moment with my children to be contained by time restraints”

It's a nightmare this phase. I think start going away for a few weekends.
Say, I'm going to York/Bath/wherever. I'll be back at 7pm so anytime after that.

FAKE TOTAL INSOUCIANCE

Do be out until the time you said you'd be out, but don't try to suggest to him (oh God no, his ego won't be told I'm sure) what time after 7.

The children will be dying to get back to you no doubt so it will probably be about 8 so he can get home and have a beer in peace which he'll need after his exhausting weekend.

What’s the reason for ‘no overnights’?

Doesn't the court order stipulate times?

When you get to court You can say that you need times set by the court.

No overnights are due to safeguarding issues and the children’s wishes currently.

No court order yet!

My ex husband is like this. He had a regular overnight of a Thursday but he couldn’t stick to it. The night before he’d say oh I can’t do tomorrow. Oh dear did you have plans? You’ll just have to cancel them. He missed 7 in a row at one point and my daughter just said that’s enough I’m not going again and she didn’t.

He couldn’t commit to days or times, he’d text in the mornings demanding to see her that day & id jump rearranging things to accommodate. He refused to bring her back on two occasions when I hadn’t signed the financial papers. It was a nightmare.

All I can suggest is grey rock. Don’t let him know it bothers you but collect evidence. Look friendly, polite and accommodating. Don’t rise to his nonsense. There is an app you can use for communication. I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s easier if everything goes through there & there’s a record.

My daughter was 7 when this started and she’s now 12. He’s never taken me to court despite threats as he knows that he doesn’t want regular days or times. My daughter sees him about 10 minutes a month for a walk round the block. I feel your pain.

What worked with my ex was to ask him to let me know in advance what dates and times he wanted.

I remember this as a very difficult time so you have my sympathy. This sort of messing about is very damaging.

@Whattodoaboutnothing I do think about that, but I can’t really justify it and I’m always very aware of how I will look in court, because he’s given it a good try of painting me as abusive and controlling in the past (he is also an absolutely accomplished liar he can lie barefaced but somehow he’s convinced himself it’s actually true so the lines blur for him) so don't want to seem unreasonable, but he has taken a five minute text conversation and pasted it for nearly 5 days!