I can’t bear him. God I just can’t

[Williesfillies]

Ex husband. Abusive. Divorce pending.
Having abused me financially so that I’ve had to go to court for finances he is now just moving onto the next thing. The. Children.

Currently he doesn’t do overnights, he is gearing up to take me to court but right now that’s how it is.

He’s seeing them this weekend. This has taken a week to arrange because he seems to have started some rule in his head that he won’t reply to me for 48 hours, so eg “can I see them x day?”
Me “yep, what time”
48 hours of total silence, until the day before at which point he will re appear and start arranging it last minute. It’s always last minute.

This week it’s over a return time, the youngest is fairly young, but I just said “what time roughly will you be dropping them off?” Which I don’t think was unreasonable, however, apparently that’s me dictating, he can’t possibly give a time, it will be whenever it is etc etc.

I would argue that I too need a life and having no time at all arranged means he can (and probably will) drop them back really early, so I can’t actually go out.

Tried setting a time ie “ok, well let’s say 7 then” which also got refused.

Eventually had to say that no time, no children and after a full day he came back with a time that is as late as possible and that he may change.

I can’t bear it. I’m a ball of anxiety and rage over this every time we have an interaction. I try to be polite, I try to say it’s for the children’s welfare, but you just can’t reason with him. He’s decided that I “won’t tell him what he’s doing” and that’s that, so that a reasonable question just becomes a battlefield until I have to say they aren’t going.

I can’t bear dealing with him. Even with him getting a court order it will continue like this.

What safeguarding issues and who is saying there is a safeguarding issue?

You are not unreasonable and he is clearly an arse.

Have you pointed out that not giving you a time window is controlling behaviour on his part not yours.
As a PP says repeat his words back to him so he can hear how unreasonable it sounds when you say it.

Just hold the thought that the children will grow up and they can put their father right when he’s being a dick.

@Darker I can’t go into it on here.
Suffice to say there is a safeguarding issue and that is why they aren’t there at present

My friends court order wit her ex states that arrangements must be made 7 days in advance and only changed in an emergency. He wanted 'maximum flexibility.'

Meaning he didn't want my friend to be able to plan anything at all, with or without her daughter. He was demanding 50:50, in the end the court refused overnights as he'd breached the order 9 times within the first month. My friend submitted their text conversation as proof, along with her home cctv footage of just how bad the breaches were.

@icedancerlenny I would be very interested in that app if you can remember it!

I will never be able to plan anything around him having them, because the minute he thinks I need him to have them then there will be an issue.

Right now it’s all about how much he loves them and how mean I am, but he’s always been a very poor, very part time parent, it’s all just words

Are you keeping screenshots? All of this is evidence which will be needed for court. Have you got a good solicitor who is experienced at dealing with men like him? He needs the court to sort him out. Don’t worry about him flouting court orders because if he does you simply stop contact.

Does your ex agree that there is a safeguarding issue or is it your judgement?

I’m not unsympathetic but I wonder if this is at the heart of the problem.

@Darker, no he doesn’t agree, but he’s not likely to is he? However, there is a safeguarding issue, no it’s not a new girlfriend and it’s not just me who decided it.

If you set a time for him to drop off say 6pm and he is late, I would say to him "Oh thanks for those extra few hours, I was able to be x y z, very helpful"

Just be extra extra nice to him about everything

I’ve got one exactly the same. I never get a time. I’m not allowed to ask when the children are coming back. He would stop seeing them (and has for long periods of time.)

The other day he took them out for the day and I had an appointment. When I got back they were sitting in the car outside my house. He had brought them back hours earlier than you would expect ‘going out for the day’ would mean.

@Outbutnotoutout I think you are right, the key to this is nonchalant not caring.
I am really, really bad at that because it irritates the crap out of me how he carries on it really does, but I know a large part of it is done just to irritate me

That app is called Family Wizard, or Our Family Wizard, I think. It's American and you have to pay for it but it's effectively a neutral 3rd person and record of communication. Once a message has been sent, nobody can tamper with it! There is a language screen which will tell the sender if they are sounding hostile or rude. There's a calendar you can put things in so nobody can say they didn't know it was parents' evening or that a child has a hospital appointment.

Users can refuse all other routes of communication. Even the children can have a page to put their thoughts, but they can't see what parents are saying to each other.

I think it sounds ace!

@Allthelights yes he has form for disappearing as well, then somehow making it my fault

If you said to him “any time after 7 but not before because I’ve got a hot date,” would he drop them off earlier just to spite you?

Because if so then I would turn this around and make it look as if he’s in control but actually he isn’t.

So, you want them back by say 5:00, then you say “I will be out until 7 so you’ll have to keep them until then.” He won’t like to think that he’s being dictated to so he’ll decide he has to drop them off beforehand. Which won’t matter because it will turn out that you’re at home after all “appointment didn’t take as long as I thought but I didn’t want to dictate what you should do,” by then it’s too late and the kids are home.

If there are safeguarding issues advised by the professionals then as there is currently no court order are those issues extendable to the daytime until cafcas can get involved? Your 12 year old at least is old enough to make their thoughts known.

@Williesfillies

It’s just evidence for court of how we can’t co parent. I don’t think asking for a rough drop off time is unreasonable or controlling of me at all.

It's not, you simply need to accept that as a cat will meow, an abusive man will abuse, including after separation and he will do this to everyone no matter how it appears from outside. Have you ever read up on the life changing magic of the "grey rock" technique of managing abusive people? Try it, do beware that it can cause an escalation in some controlling behaviours (which you can save as evidence as to how unreasonable he is), however the technique is more about building a boundary wall around yourself, than changing the unchangeable in the abuser.

So, my advice? Grey rock him, accept he'll always be an abusive arsehole, make all communication in writing, write every communication as if a judge is reading ...and remember that the kids will turn 18 eventually and then you can block his MF arse. 🥳👋

I think the only thing you can do to save your sanity is disengage with him as far as possible. Never ever give him even a hint of what your plans are, and never plan anything that relies on him. Other than that keep any messages to show the court, and make sure you are above reproach in your communication with him. He only has power over you now if you let him get to you. It will get easier, just hang in there.

Hmm if it was me I think I would just make plans and tell him where to drop them off.

"I'll bring them back when I bring them back."
"No worries. I'll be out until 19:00 so text me when you're on your way and I'll tell you where to meet me."

Our Family Wizard is the app you need!

It actually sounds like a good idea for you to have a court order. You will have set times so getting rid of the need to communicate and you can write all of these details in - if he hasn't arrived by x time, you get on with your day; if you need to communicate, he needs to reply by x date and so on. Just think of all the issues that you argue about, and make sure the order addresses them all.
Unless there has been significant DV, you'll be asked to try mediation before court anyway, but these issues can still all be addressed.

You have my utmost sympathy. I separated from my ex in 2013, finally managed to get divorced after a long-drawn out process of him behaving like an absolute twat in 2016, in court re the children 2014... variation 2015... then again 2019-2020 culminating with final hearing in December where he pulled out his trump card and tried to get residency transferred. He failed and I now very much hope that 8 years on, he'll just STOP BEING ANGRY

I am sitting here wondering if I have any pearls of wisdom to offer. All the usual did help - I got all his emails forwarded to separate account so I wasn't constantly anxious and waiting for his response/bombardment, and tried to have clear boundaries e.g. "This weekend is your weekend for contact, please confirm by 5pm on Thursday what time you will be collecting the children." Even though it's hard, stick to your boundaries.

What happened in my case each time was that when I would try to put boundaries like that up, he would deliberately not comply and I would then be put in the stressful situation of having to decide whether to pull contact. I made each application to the court ref children because his behaviour was so untenable it was affecting the children and I knew the only way he would 'comply' would be if we had a court order, and that if we had a court order I would have clear guidelines that would help me decide what to do. I knew if I was sticking to a court order that was the best I could do.

It's such a difficult time. My advice would be to look after yourself as much as possible and make yourself feel as strong as possible. I stopped drinking alcohol 7 years ago because I felt it was not helping me cope with the situation and I was constantly so stressed it felt like I 'deserved' to unwind with it.

This will all end. And you will be okay.

I'm going through similar. It's so hard to keep your cool, I know. I have lost it a good few times.

I've taken the advice of pp, keep it as if a judge is reading everything and appear to be accommodating. They end up hanging themselves with their own rope.

Absolutely been there and got the t shirt. It's horrendous and you have my sympathies. Exh was exactly the same. It has got better. His rage (narcissistic asshat) has passed and he's enjoying his sense of victimhood aimed at others now.

He's still a shit parent and still flakey but not deliberately provocative anymore thank god.

My advice, screenshot everything. Print these off as you go in Date order. Admin for court is horrendous.

Get a separate diary and write everything in it. Day offered arrangements. Day he confirms arrangements. How late/early he was. This went down well with the judge when ex asked for increased contact and I produced evidence to show he hadn't kept over half his existing contact. Ex was outraged! I did it as stats so ex is late for 50%of visits, 60%of visits cancelled or postponed etc... In court docs and diary as evidence to back it up.

Write down everything that is worrying you about him on a list. e. g.
1/ stupid 48 hour reply rule
2/ purposely evasive
3/ labelling you a dictator

4/ nasty, abusive
5/ ignoring best interests of children
6/ won’t go and get lost
7/.. ( add more to list)

Then each night allow yourself no more than 20 minutes to read the list and add the any new items, then put it In a drawer to read and add to the next day.

Try not to allow thoughts of him to ruin your moments through the day

When he texts or calls answer if he has your children but otherwise don’t answer
unless urgent. In the evening, reply briefly with texts if you need to.

In this way you allow yourself time to think about and react to his stupidity but you try very hard to not allow it to take over your thoughts and make you very anxious throughout the day.
Turn up the radio and dance with your child, or go for a walk or do something together with your children every time you need to turn off to thoughts of his stupidity upsetting your day.

It’s not at all easy but in time you will be turning off and disconnecting from him much more. There’s nothing wrong with getting angry and it’s understandable you feel anxious with his stupid games but you can lessen the amount of time you are thinking about him, and still allow a small section of the day to think about everything that understandably annoys the crap out of you about him

Tell him it will be massively inconvenient to you if he drops them off between 5 and 6. Then wait for him to turn up at 5.15.

We use Our Family Wizard, it's very useful and Cafcass and other agencies can be given access to view the messages if necessary. My ex was forever changing things at the last minute or denying Arrangements had been made, the Wizard App proves it was him being unreasonable.
You definitely need a Child Arrangements Order set by the court, we've had several, each time the wording has become more and more specific as abusive ex would seek ways to interpret it differently on different days. It was a nightmare..but isn't now.
Someone on here told me to look up Melanie Tonia Evans on Facebook, she answered all my questions on narcissists and why they behave the way they do.
You need to create some really strong boundaries.