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Original poster

How do your DCs address adults?

114 replies

UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 05/08/2021 06:16

Let's say your neighbours are Sarah and Carl Smith. What would your DCs call them?

When I was a child, I would have used "Mrs. Smith" and "Mr. Smith" when talking both to and about them. Is that overly formal now? I was thinking maybe "Ms. Sarah" and "Mr. Carl". They're not close enough to be "Auntie Sarah" etc. Obviously, DD will copy what we model. I'd love to hear your opinions. Thanks!

OP posts:
zaffa · 05/08/2021 06:55

@UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa

Thanks, everyone! This isn't going to be one of those threads where everyone pretty much says the same thing and the OP keeps railing against it. Smile First names do still seem overly informal to me, but it seems that's the most common way and won't be considered rude by the vast majority of people.

The group has spoken!

I feel the way you do OP and now I understand why everyone was called 'auntie' as a child! But it looks like the consensus is first names
EarringsandLipstick · 05/08/2021 06:55

@UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa

Maybe first names is the norm now. It feels rude to me for children to call adults by their first names (unless the adult has said that's their preference). I'm happy to be corrected.
Not rude at all. It's their overall attitude that will indicate politeness. Saying hello, smiling, being courteous to them.
helpfulperson · 05/08/2021 06:57

I think there is an element of reading situations. So if someone introduces themselves by their first name it's OK for everyone to use that. I've they use both names I would tend to start with Mrs... for both children and adults.

Original poster
UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 05/08/2021 06:57

@HotToddyColdSauvignon

Nope, I’m with you OP, it was “you remember mummy ans daddy’s friends, Mr and Mrs Bell, don’t you Hottoddy?”

Generally if they were good friends of my friends they’d always ask me to call them Sue and Tom. But to start with - surnames

This was my original thinking. If you start out formal, I think most people would be comfortable saying, "You can call me Sarah" but if you start with first names, fewer people would correct you even if they don't like it. But from reading people's posts, first names seem like a safer option than I first realised.
OP posts:
Words · 05/08/2021 06:58

I was brought up very formally, so I understand where you are coming from OP. With elderly people I think a formal form of address would be really appreciated. Then it's up to them to say 'please call me Xxxx' .

For me it would signal a very well brought up child. But I realise I am probably in a small and quaint minority on this topic.

Twizbe · 05/08/2021 07:00

It depends on the age and relationship of the adult.

Our neighbours are in the 70s so while we use their first names I always refer to them as Mr and Mrs surname to the children. I just think that's more respectful.

If the adult is our friend then we follow the adults lead on whether they want first names or mr/ms/Mrs etc

Eileen101 · 05/08/2021 07:03

Given that you've said they're both elderly op, I think Mr/Mrs Smith is far safer! If they're happy with John/Barbara, they'll tell you.

Onehotmess · 05/08/2021 07:07

My Dad is in his 70s and if someone called him Mr Surname, he’d probably think it was odd.

Original poster
UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 05/08/2021 07:07

@Eileen101

Given that you've said they're both elderly op, I think Mr/Mrs Smith is far safer! If they're happy with John/Barbara, they'll tell you.
In that case, I need to secretly find out the surname of one on them... Grin
OP posts:
Seventimesaday · 05/08/2021 07:07

I would ask your neighbours what they would like to be called by your children.
When I was growing up, our next door neighbours were Auntie and Uncle, but they were friendly with my parents, came round of an evening , bought us presents from holidays etc. The neighbour across the road was always Mr X. He was older. Friends parents were either Aunties or known by their first name if they preferred it. As a child I soon learned to use the name people preferred.

MrsDThomas · 05/08/2021 07:16

My kids would call them by their first names.

In Wales with the Welsh language its different .We have 2 words for YOU. They are “Chdi/ti” which you would use informally with friends/colleagues etc, and “chi” with elders, in a respectful way.

So if i spoke to my granny asking her how she was, id day “syt yda chi nain?”

And id ask a friend “syt wut ti?”

With elders, most would call them Mrs Jones and use “chi” with respect. Its just something you learn when to use it. On the phone at work I judge by the voice and its age and know when to use chi/chdi.

I have corrected one person in the home where my granny was. She was 99, and I always used the respectful “chi” with her and the carer came in and said “syt wyt ti ”using the informal chdi and her 1st name. I was shocked snd corrected her. Asking her to call her Mrs Jones. Some youngsters aren't taught. They should.

Many Welsh speakers will back me up here (I hope)!

So, back to the OP , we would call them 1st names and the respectful “chi”. Its the same in French, they have tu and vous

Albgo · 05/08/2021 07:16

@WunWun

First names. Why on earth would they say Ms Sarah?! You know what that sounds like, don't you?
Exactly.
Original poster
UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 05/08/2021 07:19

Even as a devoted introvert, I suppose I could manage finding out what individuals prefer for a few of the older neighbours.

"Hi, Sarah. Babysalsa, say hello to...oh, what would you prefer Babysalsa to call you?"

OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 05/08/2021 07:21

I suppose I could manage finding out what individuals prefer for a few of the older neighbours.

I was going to say, it should really be for the neighbours to say what they'd prefer to be called.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/08/2021 07:25

@UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa

Even as a devoted introvert, I suppose I could manage finding out what individuals prefer for a few of the older neighbours.

"Hi, Sarah. Babysalsa, say hello to...oh, what would you prefer Babysalsa to call you?"

I personally think you are making way too much of a deal about this.

You use their first names, let your DC do the same. You don't even know their surnames!

Just make sure they are mannerly & polite in general & all is well.

Wheelz46 · 05/08/2021 07:26

Our neighbours are elderly and my children and the other children around address them by their first names.

The only time my children address someone as Mr/Mrs/Miss etc is their school teachers.

My Grandma was addressed by Mrs Surname and she absolutely hated it said it made her sound old. Eek even my auntie (her daughter in law) addressed her as Mrs Surname too, she absolutely hated that but never told her because she didn't feel comfortable telling her.

Original poster
UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 05/08/2021 07:27

@EarringsandLipstick "making way too much of a deal about" something is kinda my specialty. Grin Can't turn it off, unfortunately.

OP posts:
ExtremelyDisorganised · 05/08/2021 07:29

I think children do just copy adults, so unless you are planning to change from firstnames to title surname yourself, which would seem weird then firstnames its likely to be. My parents are in their 80s and they and all their neighbours refer to each other by firstnames. I'd be very surprised if a child ever called me (50s) Mrs Disorganised.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/08/2021 07:31

[quote UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa]@EarringsandLipstick "making way too much of a deal about" something is kinda my specialty. Grin Can't turn it off, unfortunately.[/quote]
Oh believe me I can do this too! I just mean, on this one, you're not going to do anything incredibly offensive by using their first name, so try to let it go now ☺️

merrymelody · 05/08/2021 07:32

Surnames as a mark of respect until asked to do otherwise.

MrsBellamy · 05/08/2021 07:34

Bizarrely I have different rules depending on age and how well I know them.
Both my and I refer to neighbours on one side by first names (they are similar age to me and we know them fairly well)
But the neighbours on the other side we call Mr & Mrs surname. I have always done that and DC copy me, DP will literally chat to anyone and calls all neighbours by first name.

Blossomtoes · 05/08/2021 07:34

You could always do something really radical and ask the neighbours what they’d like your kids to call them. You might find that a better guide than MN.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/08/2021 07:36

My children ar now in their early 20 but when they were growing up we were very strict that it was Mr/Mrs/miss/ms/dr surname. Some adults would tell them call me X, which of course is up to them.

Now they are adults it's pretty much ingrained in them that you begin formally and if the other person says call me X you do, otherwise you keep using Mr/Mrs etc. I'm 47 and still do it that way myself.

ExtremelyDisorganised · 05/08/2021 07:39

See I'd hate that, it would just make me feel old if children young people started calling me Mrs D. Total cringe.

BertieBotts · 05/08/2021 07:39

Ms. Sarah / Mr. John is used in the southern USA which might be how you've come across it?

It sounds stuffy to me and I would just use first names. I live in Germany which has the two forms of address (du/Sie) and uses surname for adults you don't know well and I hate it! Would much rather everyone used my first name and du.