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Original poster

Tell me how to be a decent MIL

92 replies

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:21

DS is 20 with his first serious gf

I've been a fairly relaxed parent, I've never contacted them when they're out with friends, I didn't expect to hear from them while they were on school trips etc, I've genuinely enjoyed seeing them become more independent and enjoying life. I've never cried over the end of a life stage, I've been glad to see DC progressing and growing up.

However, I am hating the fact that he is never at home and that they spend a lot more time with her family than they do with us. I try to bite my lip but, for example, I invited them with to dinner tonight, but her parents are just back from a couple of days away, so want her at home with them, which is lovely and it's nice that she wants to do that too, but DS wouldn't give me that consideration and I might have pointed that out to him. He has come home for dinner tonight anyway though so all is good.

I can feel myself turning into my awful MIL, jealous and demanding. Make me stop!

Disclaimer: I realise I'm not a really a MIL and hopefully I won't be for a while yet, but I'd like to be a decent one.

OP posts:
Guineapigbridge · 04/08/2021 18:28

It's such a hard thing to navigate, isn't it?

Knittingupastorm · 04/08/2021 18:28

I try to bite my lip but, for example, I invited them with to dinner tonight, but her parents are just back from a couple of days away, so want her at home with them, which is lovely and it's nice that she wants to do that too, but DS wouldn't give me that consideration and I might have pointed that out to him.

But that’s not really anything to do with being a MIL because it’s not relevant to your relationship with your son’s partner. Unless you’re saying he would have given you that consideration pre- meeting GF, but it doesn’t sound like that’s what you meant?
So I guess my advice would be not to link any issues you have with your son to your DIL.

cheeseychovolate · 04/08/2021 18:33

When I was that age and dating no boyfriend was ever allowed to stay over so I would stay at my boyfriend's for a few days, go home for a day then go back to my boyfriend's parents. Also I wouldn't invite them for dinner, it seems a bit strange as your son still lives with you.

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User135792468 · 04/08/2021 18:36

Unfortunately that is down to your son and not his girlfriend. Maybe speak to him gently now and say that like he spends time with her family, you’d like it that they spent time with yours too. Many times routines are born from habits developed quite early on. If it’s part of their routine to spend time with both, then they probably always will do that.

frazzledasarock · 04/08/2021 18:37

I really do think you should continue to conduct your relationship with your DS.

Don’t place the expectations of your sons responsibilities being fulfilled on your DIL.

And form a good relationship with your DIL in her own right, not just as your sons partner (depending on much you want to involve her with your family life).

I think largely IL relationships breakdown due to the IL’s placing demands on their DIL & completely absolving their DS of any responsibilities as they know their sons are lazy and won’t do the keeping in touch thing.

Of course there will be loss of posters rushing in and saying their husbands/partners do all the relationship maintenance with their own families.

But by and large I’ve noticed men happily just go along with whatever their partner is doing because sorting out their own families is too hard and offloaded as wifework.

Original poster
Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:37

@Knittingupastorm

I try to bite my lip but, for example, I invited them with to dinner tonight, but her parents are just back from a couple of days away, so want her at home with them, which is lovely and it's nice that she wants to do that too, but DS wouldn't give me that consideration and I might have pointed that out to him.

But that’s not really anything to do with being a MIL because it’s not relevant to your relationship with your son’s partner. Unless you’re saying he would have given you that consideration pre- meeting GF, but it doesn’t sound like that’s what you meant?
So I guess my advice would be not to link any issues you have with your son to your DIL.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. He has been a fairly considerate son, but now she takes priority every time. I'm expecting him home for dinner and some company and then she calls and all the plans change. Which is still down to him, he could say no, but he doesn't.
OP posts:
Original poster
Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:38

@cheeseychovolate

When I was that age and dating no boyfriend was ever allowed to stay over so I would stay at my boyfriend's for a few days, go home for a day then go back to my boyfriend's parents. Also I wouldn't invite them for dinner, it seems a bit strange as your son still lives with you.
OK, I invited her for dinner, that's not odd surely?
OP posts:
Original poster
Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:39

I'd love to get to know "DIL" but I've barely met her and when I try we get things like this evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:40

My demands are most definitely on DS and his time, not on her. I invited her to make it easier for him to spend time here, but I'm just as happy just to have him.

OP posts:
Chicchicchicchiclana · 04/08/2021 18:41

Watching with interest as I'm in the same situation. Although my son's girlfriend is always welcome here they choose to spend most of their time at her house (when not out). It's slightly painful.

Roselilly36 · 04/08/2021 18:41

I can empathise I have a 20 year old DS too OP. Flowers

Drainedagain2 · 04/08/2021 18:41

I have 3 ds and this is something that's in the back of my head at times. I have read numerous threads on mils and most of them, they really can't do anything right. I get on fine with my mil , make lots of effort with her , include her and make her feel special, she hasn't always been the easiest person but them again neither am I and shes the mother of my dh. I honestly believe it's an evolutionary thing to get rid of the mother figure...
I am investing heavily in hobbies and good friends and my own life! I'm mid 30's now so we'll see.. Something that I also think about , would future dil think badly of us if we don't want to do childcare or babysit. I'll be in my 40's , early 50's when the possibility of grandchildren come up and although I adore kids I want to enjoy my free time and do my own thing while I'm physically able.. I would hate to be expected to mind kids all over again..me and my dh have never, ever had help. Would that mean I would be nc'd? Literally no one including my mil babysits ever and I honestly don't expect her to.
I strongly believe that most mothers of sons get shelved and there's a strong preference for the wifes/gf family, I've already accepted it and it's years away!

romdowa · 04/08/2021 18:43

Your son is 20, of course he wants to spend time with his girlfriend and not his mother. The first thing you need to do is to cut the apron strings here and don't rely on your adult child for company

AnneTwackie · 04/08/2021 18:45

He’s just happy, it’s his first proper girlfriend as you said, try not to take it personally but do tell him your expectations- i.e. ‘if we have made arrangements I’ll be disappointed if you don’t keep them’

Original poster
Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:45

To be clear, I don't have any expectations of her. I see it as a MIL thing because we're in competition for his time, but I definitely don't want to make anything difficult or spoil their happiness in any way. I'd just like to see my son now and again, which I fully accept is down to him, not her. I'm just not sure how to make it happen without being "difficult".

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 04/08/2021 18:47

My brother is still doing this to my parents at 33. It’s tempting to blame the girlfriends (he’s been the same with every one of which there’s been many since he was about 16) but it really is a self-centred man-boy issue. I think you should mention it to him though, but not in an angry way and not in a way that he could conceive as placing any blame on the girlfriend - I think the best approach is to separate it from her altogether. In your early twenties you do sometimes need a bit of steering through the transition between self-centred child-child and considerate adult child.

MiddleParking · 04/08/2021 18:50

Actually - sorry, I’ve just reread the line about him coming home for dinner and now I’m a bit puzzled. Surely that is him giving you the same consideration as she gave her parents.

Original poster
Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:53

@MiddleParking

Actually - sorry, I’ve just reread the line about him coming home for dinner and now I’m a bit puzzled. Surely that is him giving you the same consideration as she gave her parents.
Yes, but it only came about after stern words, which I was hoping to avoid. He was originally planning to eat with them, despite agreeing at the start of the week that this was the one evening he'd be home.
OP posts:
Original poster
Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:54

So basically, today, I've been the wicked MIL demanding that he has a family dinner with me rather than her family. Or maybe she agrees with me that it's only right and he should stick to his plans. I don't know and that's what worries me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:56

I'm not blaming her at all, I know it's all him, but I wonder how she perceives it when he says he "has" to come home IYSWIM.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 04/08/2021 19:03

This is exactly how my younger brother was. He met his girlfriend (now his wife) at 20; he's mid-30s now. I've got to admit, I find it really rude too. I didn't notice it when he was 20 (perhaps my mother did?!). But now, it's perfectly possible I will drive 100 miles to a family dinner and find that he has decided not to turn up, because his wife wants to see her mum instead, or because his wife's sister issued a last-minute invitation to go out.

The PP who says of course it's natural he wants to spend time with his girlfriend hasn't understood - the girlfriend was perfectly welcome with you, wasn't she?

I think the polite thing to do is to stick to plans. He needs to be told that. I wonder if you've actually been biting your lip too much?

ohthestruggles · 04/08/2021 19:10

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. He has been a fairly considerate son, but now she takes priority every time. I'm expecting him home for dinner and some company and then she calls and all the plans change. Which is still down to him, he could say no, but he doesn't.

I say this kindly, if he is happy choosing to spend his time with her and is doing so willingly then let him. He is 20 and has a girlfriend, ofcourse she takes priority. My ex MIL was a nightmare. She wanted my bf home for tea so would say things like 'well I just miss you so much' or 'she won't make it as good as me' it got fucking weird and she just couldn't let go of him. I left him after 5 years because I just couldn't stand feeling like I was in competition with his mother. Don't be that person!

ohthestruggles · 04/08/2021 19:11

I don't think you should have told him he has to come home, quite selfish if he didn't want to IMO. He is 20 after all..

SarahAndQuack · 04/08/2021 19:12

@ohthestruggles

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. He has been a fairly considerate son, but now she takes priority every time. I'm expecting him home for dinner and some company and then she calls and all the plans change. Which is still down to him, he could say no, but he doesn't.

I say this kindly, if he is happy choosing to spend his time with her and is doing so willingly then let him. He is 20 and has a girlfriend, ofcourse she takes priority. My ex MIL was a nightmare. She wanted my bf home for tea so would say things like 'well I just miss you so much' or 'she won't make it as good as me' it got fucking weird and she just couldn't let go of him. I left him after 5 years because I just couldn't stand feeling like I was in competition with his mother. Don't be that person!

But are you reading what she is writing? She's not saying she's invited him to dinner on his own. She invited the pair of them. And they haven't turned her down in order to have an intimate date or an evening together - they've changed plans in order to spend the evening with her parents. Which is, presumably, precisely the same amount of 'spending time together' as they'd get with her.

No wonder she's upset.

ohthestruggles · 04/08/2021 19:15

@SarahAndQuack

So basically, today, I've been the wicked MIL demanding that he has a family dinner with me rather than her family.

But only he has been summoned to this..
If my mum was making dinner and I decided I wanted to go to my bfs it wouldn't have been an issue, perhaps our house was just a bit more relaxed and we kind of came and went. It could always be put in the fridge for tomorrow kind of thing..

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