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Original poster

Tell me how to be a decent MIL

92 replies

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:21

DS is 20 with his first serious gf

I've been a fairly relaxed parent, I've never contacted them when they're out with friends, I didn't expect to hear from them while they were on school trips etc, I've genuinely enjoyed seeing them become more independent and enjoying life. I've never cried over the end of a life stage, I've been glad to see DC progressing and growing up.

However, I am hating the fact that he is never at home and that they spend a lot more time with her family than they do with us. I try to bite my lip but, for example, I invited them with to dinner tonight, but her parents are just back from a couple of days away, so want her at home with them, which is lovely and it's nice that she wants to do that too, but DS wouldn't give me that consideration and I might have pointed that out to him. He has come home for dinner tonight anyway though so all is good.

I can feel myself turning into my awful MIL, jealous and demanding. Make me stop!

Disclaimer: I realise I'm not a really a MIL and hopefully I won't be for a while yet, but I'd like to be a decent one.

OP posts:

SarahAndQuack · 04/08/2021 21:54

@Intherightplace

Oh, he's just come and told me he's booked a table for Friday night for me, him and DS2. GF is going out with her mum, but we'll gloss over that

That's good!

Maybe she's going out with her mum because she's also struggling to negotiate the relationship? It is tricky.

It must be awful dealing with this when you've just lost your DH, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think it'd be entirely fair to point out to him that you'd started cooking a meal when he cancelled. It was too late for him to change plans without that impacting on you. That should not happen again - he needs to be responsible. If you've brought him up to be a decent guy that his girlfriend will be proud of, this is part of it. We all see MN threads where some poor woman's partner explains he suddenly had other priorities when she was in labour, or he couldn't come home for dinner when she'd been home all day with the baby because someone invited him out. You've not brought him up to be that person. So he needs to know, now, that he really messed you about by cancelling when you'd already put the roast in the oven.

If it were me, I'd also say you were disappointed not to see his girlfriend.

Holly60 · 04/08/2021 21:59

Could you see if the girlfriend and her mum fancy meeting for a quick drink at the end of the evening?

Billandben444 · 04/08/2021 22:03

He was rude to cancel when dinner was already in the oven. He's all loved up and at a very selfish age so you will be quite low on his list of priorities I'm afraid. Where does he sleep most of the time? Are they likely to move in together? As a successful MIL (according to my DIL!), the secret is to treat them as individuals, never offer advice and have your own interests and friends. I'm very sorry about your recent loss and it sounds as though he's too wrapped up in his (first serious?) girlfriend to be aware of your feelings. You'll eventually be a great MIL as you're already asking for tips. Good luck 💐

Interested in this thread?

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Families

Kevintheelf80 · 04/08/2021 22:10

Someone once told me the saying 'a son is yours till he takes a wife but a daughter is yours for life' I don't know how true it is but with a son of my own I hope not

Holly60 · 04/08/2021 22:18

@Kevintheelf80

Someone once told me the saying 'a son is yours till he takes a wife but a daughter is yours for life' I don't know how true it is but with a son of my own I hope not

It’s not true. I have a DH, a DB, an adult DS (and DDIL) and and adult DSIL. None of them have just abandoned their families of origin or their mothers, any more than their female counterparts. People who peddle that cliche are in fact perhaps just excusing themselves from trying to improve poor relationships with the men in their life, by saying ‘oh well it was inevitable anyway, because you know, they have a penis’

Panickingpavlova · 04/08/2021 22:59

Hi op this is so hard.

I guess it's where they feel more comfortable and not judged
With dh mum we couldn't just come and go, she wanted to know what was going on and would formally chat over tea.
With my dp we could flit in and out, both dp fun warm and welcoming.. Beer, wine.. Cooked nice food etc.. Would come to the pub and were just easy.
Dh family my god.. No spontinetiy no just pop to pub, no conversation really very serious.. Not easy to be around so eventually stopped!!

This is great practice for you!
Everyone Is different but another thing is the silence in dh parents home, can't go out back door she will ask where going and shut the door etc.
It's also silence and she doesn't speak

In my dp home, dm would have radio four on.. Df TV.. But there was also a buzz around? Chatty buzz.. Dip into or out of...no rules either if you know what I mean?

In your situation I'd just point out it's hard for you all and you'd appreciate if he could stick to plans made with you as much as he can just in this mourning period.

Ozanj · 04/08/2021 23:09

It might be time to get to know his girlfriend on a 1-2-1 level seperate from your DS. Invite her for casual drinks or a coffee, just the two of you. Mum always did this regularly with sil before the kids came & it really helped cement their friendship.

BookFiend4Life · 05/08/2021 01:21

Why not ask them both together (but really her) "we'd love to have you guys over for dinner together, what night works for you?" And then ask her favorite foods, likes and dislikes etc. The warmer you are the more she will reciprocate I would think! My husband's parents are very loving and considerate towards me and we have a great relationship, they stay over one night a week and get to see the grand baby as often as they like... if you show a lot of excitement over his relationships you can't go wrong I think! The more flexible you can be the better, at that age plans can change spontaneously of course.

BookFiend4Life · 05/08/2021 01:42

I wanted to add that at 20 you probably can't (maybe shouldn't) demand that he do any family meals BUT I think you can communicate your expectations that if he says he's coming to dinner he needs to let you know with adequate notice that he won't make it. But I would expect him to be out most of the time. You could always say I'd love to have one family neal a week, can you try to make that a priority? And see what he says

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 05/08/2021 06:48

As a 20yr old daughter i was also thoughtless to my mother. I think it's quite common as you are still earning to adult.
Nice that he is taking you and his DB out for dinner though.

My mil def feels similar to you and isnt in a wildly different boat. She doesnt consider our life pressures just what suits her and is very much "in competition" including being wierdly physically posessive and stroking my dh 🤮 and we have a very difficult time because of it.

I would tread carefully or you are liable to make your life very hard for yourself.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/08/2021 07:10

I'm so sorry about your DH, OP. I can't imagine how raw it must feel & you are now navigating a new life stage with your DS without him.

I don't think you're anywhere close to crazy 'MIL' territory! Mainly because you are asking the question so are already aware of possible issues.

You're not at all wrong with this statement: If you've arranged to have someone cook dinner for you it's polite to turn up surely, even if it is your mum.

Absolutely. There's too much excusing of DC sometimes, on the basis of they are living their lives. Sure, but manners & courtesy always matter.

Your updates show that you've a thoughtful caring DS & I'm sure you'll navigate the new relationship with his GF fine. I wouldn't necessarily overthink it, as he's only 20.

Take care of yourself 💐

reprehensibleme · 05/08/2021 07:38

But it's not about him spending time with his gf, is it? It's about him spending time with his girlfriend and her family - or at least at her family home, to the detriment of time spent with op.

Perhaps instigate dinner one night a week /fortnight for either just him or both of them. I think if he's still living at home he needs to still make an occasional effort to be part of the family.

Fullyhuman · 05/08/2021 07:40

Intherightplace

Actually, thinking about it when I was raising "decent husbands" I was imagining a life when DH and I were too busy to worry about how much we saw them..

What a horrible loss. I’m so sorry. Be as kind to yourself as you can be, talk to yourself as you would a beloved friend: would you let her berate herself for anything at this desperately sad time? You’re doing your best, you’re not tantrumming or even being unreasonable. MILs are around for years, there’a time to become the perfect one later. It’s ok to look after you just now. Have you friends? Talk to them. If you haven’t, if DH was your best mate, think about how to meet some people you might like. Contact Cruse. Take care x

SaltySheepdog · 05/08/2021 07:45

Be supportive, non judgmental, kind, non competitive and non suffocating.

It’s nice they have met her mum after not seeing her for a while. Really thoughtful of them. If your son won’t do the same for you, that’s nothing to do with mil or girlfriend, instead it’s been your sons upbringing. Rather then compare and get upset, plan ahead and ask them to give you dates which work for them for the next couple of months so you have dates in the diary

SaltySheepdog · 05/08/2021 07:47

Sorry just read about DH passing. I think it’s good to be open and explain you’re needing a bit of support at the moment.

Panickingpavlova · 05/08/2021 08:24

Ozani

It's a bit intense at this stage to start inviting the gf out for one in one time.

Op just point out that any cancellation whilst in normal times would be mildly annoying that at the moment they are magnified and could be stick to his agreements.
A poster was on here the other day moaning about her son suddenly taking an interest in shopping after meeting a girl.
This had alarm bells for me re mum because maybe he was raised in a sans shopping home, fine.. But maybe he suddenly likes shops and clothes and wants to make an image.

Panickingpavlova · 05/08/2021 08:25

Also the gf might feel awkward around you op and not know how to be or what to say re your husband.

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