Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Tell me how to be a decent MIL

92 replies

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:21

DS is 20 with his first serious gf

I've been a fairly relaxed parent, I've never contacted them when they're out with friends, I didn't expect to hear from them while they were on school trips etc, I've genuinely enjoyed seeing them become more independent and enjoying life. I've never cried over the end of a life stage, I've been glad to see DC progressing and growing up.

However, I am hating the fact that he is never at home and that they spend a lot more time with her family than they do with us. I try to bite my lip but, for example, I invited them with to dinner tonight, but her parents are just back from a couple of days away, so want her at home with them, which is lovely and it's nice that she wants to do that too, but DS wouldn't give me that consideration and I might have pointed that out to him. He has come home for dinner tonight anyway though so all is good.

I can feel myself turning into my awful MIL, jealous and demanding. Make me stop!

Disclaimer: I realise I'm not a really a MIL and hopefully I won't be for a while yet, but I'd like to be a decent one.

OP posts:

leafygreeen · 04/08/2021 19:57

@Intherightplace

To be clear, I don't have any expectations of her. I see it as a MIL thing because we're in competition for his time, but I definitely don't want to make anything difficult or spoil their happiness in any way. I'd just like to see my son now and again, which I fully accept is down to him, not her. I'm just not sure how to make it happen without being "difficult".

But would you honestly want him to spend time with you just out of obligation or pity? I'd have an open door for him/ them both but not expect any amount of time spent with you.

ElizaDoolots · 04/08/2021 19:57

Also, I think it’s quite normal for 20 year olds to be a bit self absorbed and focused on their friends and relationships rather than their parents, as hurtful as it may be. Just keep making sure that he knows there is a loving home for him to come back to and he’ll keep finding his way back to you. I think people start to really appreciate their parents more again once they reach their late 20s, early 30s IME.

MyriadeOfThings · 04/08/2021 20:00

I would set up expectations.
So let’s say, he is spending one evening with you at home. It could be with or without his gf. I’d make it clear you’d love to meet her and get to know her but it’s their choice.
(I’m assuming he is still living at home).

And then I would also put boundaries on cancelling at the last minute because they have a better offer (regardless of who tbh). I’m with you there, it’s rude.

For the rest, I’d let it go.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 20:00

Oh, he's just come and told me he's booked a table for Friday night for me, him and DS2. GF is going out with her mum, but we'll gloss over that

OP posts:

leafygreeen · 04/08/2021 20:02

@Intherightplace

I'm not blaming her at all, I know it's all him, but I wonder how she perceives it when he says he "has" to come home IYSWIM.

Tbh I would have found it a bit upsetting, and felt less happy to spend time with you in the future as a result

Don't mean to sound harsh - you did ask though!

ElizaDoolots · 04/08/2021 20:03

Oh, he's just come and told me he's booked a table for Friday night for me, him and DS2

That’s lovely! What a thoughtful son.

MyriadeOfThings · 04/08/2021 20:03

I think there is something with boys/men though.
They clearly often can’t be bothered to keep in touch unless it’s organised for them. You just have to read threads on here to see that.
So the balance automatically shifts towards the woman’s family and they get to see the couple more.

I think there is a need of clear expectations, spoken ones, that keeping in touch is part of the norm.

RandomUsernameHere · 04/08/2021 20:03

I think largely IL relationships breakdown due to the IL’s placing demands on their DIL & completely absolving their DS of any responsibilities as they know their sons are lazy and won’t do the keeping in touch thing.

Completely agree with this, couldn't have put it better

TabithaTiger · 04/08/2021 20:05

I do sympathise OP as it's hard when your DC grow up and spread their wings, but I think what your feeling is more of an empty nest thing than a MIL thing. Your DS is 20, lots of people that age are away at uni, off travelling or have moved away for work. I'm saying this gently, but it's time to let go. The more you insist he spends time with you, the more it'll feel like a chore and he won't want to.

Keep it light and breezy, send him texts, photos, funny memes, etc to keep the contact up, but don't always expect him to respond. Fill your time with doing things for yourself - go to the gym, meet up with friends, etc, so you're not always wondering what your DS is doing.

My 21 year old DS moved in with his girlfriend a couple of months ago, I see him maybe once every 2-3 weeks, even though they live less than half a mile away. When he's not working, he wants to spend his time with her and I get that. I'm not in competition with her for his time as she's his priority. I'll always be here for him and he knows that.

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 20:08

@RandomUsernameHere

Completely agree with this, couldn't have put it better

I should be OK then because I'm absolutely blaming him

OP posts:

TabithaTiger · 04/08/2021 20:09

@Intherightplace I'm really sorry, I missed your post saying your DH recently passed away. I now see why you're feeling lonely and missing your DS. Given the circumstances, it would be nice if he could be more considerate of your feelings, I get that. Try not to take it too personally though, he's young and in love and not thinking. Cancelling a meal right at the last minute isn't on.

MiddleParking · 04/08/2021 20:19

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.

Do you think it might be relevant inasmuch as your son/his girlfriend/her parents might think you won’t want her hanging round your house? I think my mum could possibly have been a bit stern with me about that if I had a boyfriend whose father had recently died when I was 20 or younger. Even if I was invited. People can behave in all sorts of funny ways towards those who’ve had a significant loss and can sometimes cause pain in their haste to be non-intrusive.

goingtotown · 04/08/2021 20:20

@intherightplace My sincere condolences.

It’s been only 2 months since your DH died, You’re grieving & feeling alone, your DS will be grieving too don’t put pressure on him to be with you when he can find solace with his girl friend.

Namenic · 04/08/2021 20:26

Yeah - I think boys tend to be more lazy and place less importance on keeping in touch with their families. It doesn’t have to be the case - as I have seen v dedicated sons. I dunno how exactly to instil this into them at a young age - when I was young, my parents took us to visit lots of elderly relatives, so it became a kinda normal thing. I’m hoping that doing the same with my kids will help them get into a pattern. Dunno if it will work though. Also, maybe trying to foster a close sibling/extended family bond might help it be a visit to the whole family rather than just me and DH?

Namenic · 04/08/2021 20:28

Booking the meal with you and ds2 sounds thoughtful though. Perhaps more communal meals - with the family (eg ds2, any relatives you get in with) might make it a more relaxed atmosphere?

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 20:30

The last thing I want is one of those sons who thinks more of his mum than of his wife.

I've tried very hard to bring up decent husbands. Both my sons have details bathroom cleaning instructions saved in their phones, they cook and have a reasonable grasp of DIY I've always been determined they wouldn't be useless husbands.

OP posts:

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 20:43

Actually, thinking about it when I was raising "decent husbands" I was imagining a life when DH and I were too busy to worry about how much we saw them....

OP posts:

OhGiveUp · 04/08/2021 20:45

I'm a m.i.l. my son lives with his partner and children a five minute drive from me.
We don't see or contact each other often, for no other reason than we're all busy with work and running our own lives. That is nobody's fault, it's just the way life is.
Before they moved in together, the only rule I had was that he let me know in good time if he was going to be home for evening meal or not, more often he wasn't.
They're getting married soon and I'm thrilled as I love my soon to be daughter in law. She's an absolute diamond. It

leafygreeen · 04/08/2021 20:54

@Intherightplace

Actually, thinking about it when I was raising "decent husbands" I was imagining a life when DH and I were too busy to worry about how much we saw them....

I'm so sorry for your loss Intheright

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 21:08

Putting myself if her shoes she's anxious bout been with you I think. So is comming across as avoidance? She's only young remember I hated been near my lovely inlaws. Especially when I was pregnant at 19 and visited and she said. Well I guess we know what you have been upto

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/08/2021 21:09

Do as you would be done by.

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 21:09

Where does ds1 live or is he between houses. Encourage him to move out to their own house then you can visit them and if her mum is there as well that is fine surely?

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 04/08/2021 21:25

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and that really does make his behaviour look worse.
However he is only 20 and probably thoroughly cuntstruck and perhaps there's an element of avoiding the pain associated with home having a yawning dad-shaped gap. Pretty shit for you but give him a couple of years and he may be a lot more thoughtful.

frazzledasarock · 04/08/2021 21:34

Oh OP I’m sorry for your loss.

My advice form a relationship with your DIL. Get to know her slowly.

I absolutely adore my MIL, even tho we’ve had slight fallings out (usually instigated by my incredibly batshit SIL, MIL’s DD).
I dearly love the woman. She’s one of the kindest most intelligent fierce women I know.

My DC are her only DGC, and she was present during the birth of her first DGC (on her request), she kept me calm and was very supportive of a terrified DH (complicated birth). I used to invite her around a lot but after getting my head snapped off (due to SIL wailing that I was stealing her mum 🤷🏻‍♀️), I don’t invite her over any more however I judge DH. Who forgets because his life is busy and he’s happy.

At some point we want MIL to move in with us, we’re looking at houses with annexes or larger properties where she can have her own living space without us encroaching on her but she can be involved as much or as little with our family madness as she chooses. Chiefly of great importance to me is that my DC grow up with their loving nanny to teach them to be fierce amazing women who fear nothing and can grow the most amazing garden (I can’t grow anything it always dies even cacti).

Don’t be too hard on yourself. And don’t overthink things. Tell your DS you’d like him to honour his commitments to you, and his GF is always welcome.

frazzledasarock · 04/08/2021 21:45

Nudge not judge (Altho I probably judge him a bit too

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread