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Original poster

Tell me how to be a decent MIL

92 replies

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 18:21

DS is 20 with his first serious gf

I've been a fairly relaxed parent, I've never contacted them when they're out with friends, I didn't expect to hear from them while they were on school trips etc, I've genuinely enjoyed seeing them become more independent and enjoying life. I've never cried over the end of a life stage, I've been glad to see DC progressing and growing up.

However, I am hating the fact that he is never at home and that they spend a lot more time with her family than they do with us. I try to bite my lip but, for example, I invited them with to dinner tonight, but her parents are just back from a couple of days away, so want her at home with them, which is lovely and it's nice that she wants to do that too, but DS wouldn't give me that consideration and I might have pointed that out to him. He has come home for dinner tonight anyway though so all is good.

I can feel myself turning into my awful MIL, jealous and demanding. Make me stop!

Disclaimer: I realise I'm not a really a MIL and hopefully I won't be for a while yet, but I'd like to be a decent one.

OP posts:

Seapalling · 04/08/2021 19:19

I can see why you’d be upset. But it’s very much your son’s doing, nothing to do with DIL. Talking to him about it will only risk making him feel obligated to spend time with you and resentful. Find some good friends to vent to. Don’t vent to him. Be busy and not always available to him. Nurture your own interests and life. Step back and wait. Be positive and good company to be with. It sounds like a really crap situation, but making demands of him really risks pushing him away. Hopefully he will mature a bit and be fairer, but in the meantime be positive and patient.

Adelphia1977 · 04/08/2021 19:19

When I was younger, my parents preferred me to be at home more rather than out or out at his house. Perhaps her parents prefer their daughter to be more at home than at someone's they don't know.

SarahAndQuack · 04/08/2021 19:20

[quote ohthestruggles]@SarahAndQuack

So basically, today, I've been the wicked MIL demanding that he has a family dinner with me rather than her family.

I think when she says 'I have been the wicked MIL demanding,' she is actually trying to paraphrase responses and ask if she really is being so wicked and so demanding, isn't she?

She hasn't actually demanded anything - if she had, he surely would have come!

I also think, if you read her OP, that it's pretty clear her house is relaxed too, and she'd be fine with what you describe about coming and going ad hoc. Her issue is that her son is currently applying the 'relaxed and easy' approach to arrangements with her, while also treating anything to do with his girlfriends' parents as a cast-iron summons he can't ignore. That's rough on her.

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Families

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 19:22

Is he an only child? Enjoy it hopefully he moves out soon and u see him every now and again . He isn't a baby anymore. Join a gym etc. Most mums with sons see there sons every now and again.

MyShoelaceIsUndone · 04/08/2021 19:24

My adult DS is a yes/no answer person to me, completely different with others!!!! I’ve taken the stance now that if he wants to speak to me about something he will. He went away for the weekend all I was told was what day he was going and coming back and the location!!!! I didn’t bother asking if he had a nice time or anything, there’s just no point.

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/08/2021 19:26

Do you have a partner or isit just you and ds

whatthejiggeries · 04/08/2021 19:28

I think the female rules the roost when it comes to family time

miltonj · 04/08/2021 19:29

He's 20! You can't tell him to come home! I'd let him live his life. Don't see it as a 'her or me' thing. You have different roles in his life, therefore it can never be a competition no matter how much either side tries to make it into one.

If you want your son and in turn, his gf to spend time with you, just be there, in the background, making no demands, create a casual, lighthearted, non formal atmosphere in your home and I'm sure they'll start to spend more time in your house.

Powertothepetal · 04/08/2021 19:30

It's such a hard thing to navigate, isn't it?
No, not really.

Understand your child now has his/her own family and will prioritise them over you.
Be a nice person.

It’s not hard.

MiddleParking · 04/08/2021 19:32

@Intherightplace

So basically, today, I've been the wicked MIL demanding that he has a family dinner with me rather than her family. Or maybe she agrees with me that it's only right and he should stick to his plans. I don't know and that's what worries me.

It sounds like you’re still framing it too much around her/too concerned about her perception in that case. It’s really nothing to do with her that you’ve had to remind him to stick to a commitment, and it’s not an ‘evil MIL’ thing at all. You shouldn’t be worried about what she thinks of your parenting, especially as it sounds like she’s getting similar nudges from her own parents. I’d count that as a win!

mynameisbrian · 04/08/2021 19:38

Your DS is 20 and your not a MIL, my eldest has had two long term girlfriends since he was 16. I couldnt tell you if he spent more time with her parents or mine. Didnt bother me, they are dating, i was upset when he spent xmas with his last girlfriend, but that wasnt something i shared with him. It is part of growing up that your DC may not be with you every xmas. I would class myself as a possible MIL now as he is 25 and new girlfriend seems to be the one. I will let them work themselves out. I have no issue about when he sees her family or mine. He is an ass and says he is coming round but then doesnt, however that is down to him. Advice- dont get bogged down in when he is at his GF parents house etc, keep doors open and be nice. I have got on really well with both GF, i was always sharing recipes with one and have been an ear when they have had relationship difficulties...

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 19:41

@Powertothepetal

It's such a hard thing to navigate, isn't it? No, not really.

Understand your child now has his/her own family and will prioritise them over you.
Be a nice person.

It’s not hard.

Have you actually had to do it?

OP posts:

SuperSleepyBaby · 04/08/2021 19:42

Your son is a separate person to you.

Let him live his own life and make his own choices.

He doesn’t exist to fill a gap in your life.

My own parents are over involved and interfering. I started off spending a lot of time with them - but the more they were jealous and demanding the less I wanted to see them.

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 19:43

[quote ohthestruggles]@SarahAndQuack

So basically, today, I've been the wicked MIL demanding that he has a family dinner with me rather than her family.

But only he has been summoned to this..
If my mum was making dinner and I decided I wanted to go to my bfs it wouldn't have been an issue, perhaps our house was just a bit more relaxed and we kind of came and went. It could always be put in the fridge for tomorrow kind of thing..[/quote]
It was only because he (and gf) had specifically said at the start of the week tjey would be here today. I haven't seen him since Friday. If you've arranged to have someone cook dinner for you it's polite to turn up surely, even if it is your mum.

Usually he does come and go and cooks for himself if he's here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 19:45

Yes, I'd have said it was easy too when I was the DIL. I'm now discovering it's not and as with other stages of parenting I've struggled with I came here for a bit of support.

I should have known better than to expect any kindness for a MIL, even one admitting she was getting it wrong and asking for help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 19:47

@Christmasfairy2020

Do you have a partner or isit just you and ds

Well, this is a terrible drip feed, I'd wanted to keep it separate. DH, his dad, died less than 2 months ago, so yes, I'm feeling lonely and abandoned.

There's also a DS2 who is at that we barely see him even though he's in the house stage.

OP posts:

mynameisbrian · 04/08/2021 19:50

Intherightplace I totally hear you...i have 3 boys and my first is like a test into getting it right. I dont want to be that irritating mother, i want my DIL too like me. So my advice is dont be critical, any issues with contact should be directed at your DS and not her. Your DS is an adult with his own mind, if he chooses to go to her parents house or cancel plans with you- it is his choice, not hers. That is where I think MIL get it wrong where they assume their poor boy has been forced to into doing something by the evil DIL...MIL think their boys can do no wrong and direct anger at DIL

Greenrubber · 04/08/2021 19:50

Do you have a partner OP or is it just you and your son?

Girlintheframe · 04/08/2021 19:52

I get it OP.

My son is 21 and his world revolves around his gf. He is definitely there much more than here.

I find it hard too. I have had some gentle words with him about the importance of maintaining family connections especially with grandparents.

I think the transition from child to adult is quite hard and they are still navigating that. I also think for me the transition from full time needed mum to a much smaller role has been difficult. Ive overcome this by making my life fuller.

Greenrubber · 04/08/2021 19:53

Sorry cross post

It all must be very fresh I imagine your son might also be trying to get his head around everything and maybe trying to take his mind off what has happened by not spending as much time in the family home etc

Powertothepetal · 04/08/2021 19:53

Have you actually had to do it?
I’m a DIL with a horrible, horrible MIL.

Don’t be her.

Your little boy isn’t your baby anymore.
I’m sorry but that’s the reality, he is an adult with a girlfriend now.
His girlfriend will become his priority.

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 19:54

Thank you @SarahAndQuack, yes.

*I think when she says 'I have been the wicked MIL demanding,' she is actually trying to paraphrase responses and ask if she really is being so wicked and so demanding, isn't she?

She hasn't actually demanded anything - if she had, he surely would have come!

Yes, they were both invited and had both agreed to come. At the last minute (after the roast was already in the oven) it was decided they would eat at her parents' because they were just back from a short break. He agreed to come without her, after a "discussion".

OP posts:

Greenrubber · 04/08/2021 19:54

Your son will take you for granted and assume because he lives with you that he sees you all the time I would not take it personally

ElizaDoolots · 04/08/2021 19:54

Honestly, I don’t think you should overthink it. So long as you’re not an arsehole, just be yourself. Make some effort but don’t be overbearing. Any future DIL will either like you or she won’t, don’t walk on eggshells.

Original poster

Intherightplace · 04/08/2021 19:57

@Powertothepetal

Have you actually had to do it? I’m a DIL with a horrible, horrible MIL.

Don’t be her.

Your little boy isn’t your baby anymore.
I’m sorry but that’s the reality, he is an adult with a girlfriend now.
His girlfriend will become his priority.

Yes, but have you actually had to do it? I'm also a DIL with a horrible MIL and I'm finding it mich harder to "not be her" than I expected.

OP posts:

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