DP's children coming to stay for the first time

User5827372728 · 02/08/2021 20:44

Do you have everything a baby needs at your house?

I guess it will be a bit of trial and error the first few months and see how it goes

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 20:54

@User5827372728

Do you have everything a baby needs at your house?

I guess it will be a bit of trial and error the first few months and see how it goes

I think so. DP made a list and we went and got everything a couple of weeks' ago. Hopefully he covered everything.

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LagneyandCasey · 02/08/2021 20:57

I would step back and watch dh with them so you can get a feel for their routines and likes and dislikes. Be prepared for some chaos and mess. Maybe you could offer to read a story - it's a nice way to bond with little ones. I'm so sorry about your loss

AlmostSummer21 · 02/08/2021 21:04

How involved do you want to be? Talk to DP, ask him what he wants.

Have you met the baby's Mum?

Is it the first time the baby has been away from Mum? Or did your DP have the baby overnight before? If he hadn't had them
Overnight before he needs to make sure he knows their routines & how they usually settle at night, make sure he gets any teddies/blankets etc

Personally, there's no way I could have a 3yo and a 9 month old in my house and not be fully involved.

Try not to worry about it, they're a lovely age and far easier than older kids as far as being 'a new person' goes.

GetTaeFuck · 02/08/2021 21:04

Both will likely only want their Dad - first night in a new house, 3YOs are also…. Well, 3!

Brace for a disturbed night of sleep.

Tickledtrout · 02/08/2021 21:07

Let them take the lead. Be smiley, get down to their level and be available. They'll offer you a way in. The older child may show you something or ask you to do something. The baby will smile and look to you, laugh, show you a toy.
Don't be offended if they appear to be shy or wary of you at first; it's nothing personal.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope the visit goes well

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2021 21:09

How many times has he had the baby overnight? How often does he have contact?

I’d leave him to it.

Sorry for your loss

Are you sure you’re ready for all of this? I don’t mean having enough nappies, I mean in your heart of hearts.

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 21:12

Story time I can do!

DP is super involved and actually lived with them until fairly recently (they split up a while before we ever started dating though) as wanted to be there with the kids. So he knows their routines.

They've not been away from their home overnight before, but DP has looked after them over night there many times. So hopefully they'll be able to settle even in a new environment as long as he's there.

And I guess I am like you @AlmostSummer21, I really want to be involved. But I am also trying to be mindful of just how desperately I want children and that these two are not my children and I don't get to project my baggage onto them. So I guess I am feeling overly cautious to not get the boundaries wrong. The problem is that I am not really sure what the right line to take is if that makes sense.

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Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 21:19

@AnneLovesGilbert

How many times has he had the baby overnight? How often does he have contact?

I’d leave him to it.

Sorry for your loss

Are you sure you’re ready for all of this? I don’t mean having enough nappies, I mean in your heart of hearts.

He's lived with them until recently, so her whole life really. He and his ex are thinking we will start overnights with alternate weekends, see how that goes and then build up from there.

Honestly? I don't know if I am ready. But I truly love DP, he is the absolutely best thing that has ever happened to me. And hopefully I can put my own feelings aside for his kids. And hopefully it will get easier emotionally.

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FawnFrenchieMum · 02/08/2021 21:21

You need to have a chat with DP and see what his thoughts about boundaries are. How’s the relationship with their mum? This can make a massive difference with your relationship will grow with the children.

LIZS · 02/08/2021 21:27

Has he ever looked after both alone? If he only moved out recently how much time have you spent getting to know them? Did he move straight to yours? It seems a big step quite soon. Maybe he should share with both of them initially.

arcof · 02/08/2021 21:33

Why did they break up when the kids' mum was pregnant, was it her initiation?

Just act like a helpful friend. No more no less. No discipline for the 3 year old from you, let dad deal with any tantrums etc, play with them, get them a snack, but otherwise don't play mum. 1. This is best for them 2. Best for you . If you don't like something DP does or have a better suggestion, talk about it when they aren't around.

Over time, you'll work out a balance that works for you all but that's the way to start.

And never agree to look after them without him.

Sorry for the loss of your little one x

titchy · 02/08/2021 21:34

they split up a while before we ever started dating though

Not that much of a while given his ex was 6 months pregnant when you got together...

My advice - don't get too involved. Leave him to it.

Crunchymum · 02/08/2021 21:37

So you've been together for just under a year, he has a 9 month old baby and was lving with the mother until recently.

How did you meet such a prince in a pandemic? I'm not suggesting you are the OW but it's a Hell of a lot of baggage to take on. Surely most women would run in the other direction?

I'd love to hear his exes take on all this.

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 21:49

She broke up with him shortly after finding out she was pregnant. It's been pretty difficult for him, but his kids are everything to him so he stayed because he did not want to miss out on his DDs baby days. He stayed as long as he did because even these past few weeks have been so hard for him not being with them every day. He takes his DS to nursery in the morning before work and goes over after work for a bit every day, but he is desperate to actually have them with him again. So this weekend is the first step to them working towards 50/50 shared parenting, which his ex also reluctantly seems on board with. At the moment they seem to get on about as well as you could in that situation. I have only met her properly once and she was lovely to me. Other than that just hi and byes when I was with DP to take them to the park, etc. But she seems like a great mum and a decent person.

@Crunchymum I know you are trying to be sarcastic and possibly a bit mean, but I ask myself the same thing. He is the most wonderful person I know. According to his ex he is 'boring', but a bit of boring (read: stable and reliable) is exactly what I want and need. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

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BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 02/08/2021 21:50

There are no rules but perhaps you could speak to him about how involved you both want you to be

Fullofglee · 02/08/2021 21:55

Did you say 9 months old and you have been together less than a year why on earth are you have them over night I'd be furious if they were my children. He sounds like a right prince.

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 21:55

@arcof

Why did they break up when the kids' mum was pregnant, was it her initiation?

Just act like a helpful friend. No more no less. No discipline for the 3 year old from you, let dad deal with any tantrums etc, play with them, get them a snack, but otherwise don't play mum. 1. This is best for them 2. Best for you . If you don't like something DP does or have a better suggestion, talk about it when they aren't around.

Over time, you'll work out a balance that works for you all but that's the way to start.

And never agree to look after them without him.

Sorry for the loss of your little one x

That is really helpful. And thank you. x

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LIZS · 02/08/2021 21:55

Has he spent time with both away from his ex during the day? From an outsiders pov you are very convenient to enable him to host his dc. Is it your flat, does he contribute to it. Have you met his wider family and friends?

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 22:01

@LIZS

Has he spent time with both away from his ex during the day? From an outsiders pov you are very convenient to enable him to host his dc. Is it your flat, does he contribute to it. Have you met his wider family and friends?

Yes and over night alone at his old house as well a few times recently. He really is not the problem. It is my house and no I am not charging him rent. Finances are not an issue either.

I have met his parent a couple of weeks ago. I know many of his friends anyway as we work in the same place. But again he is not the issue.

I was just asking advice on how to balance this well, because I want to this to go well and not be a scary experience for his children first and foremost, but also because this is so incredibly important for the person I love. And I want to get my part in it right.

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Polkadots2021 · 02/08/2021 22:01

@Washyourtoes

So DP recently moved in with me. We've been together for almost a year (but have known each other for a long time). DP has two DCs and they are coming to stay overnight this weekend for the first time ever. They are 3 and 9mths old. We've set up the spare room for his DS and his DD will stay with us.

I am so nervous about all of this. I have met them many times now and they are lovely kids, but I am so worried about how much I should or shouldn't be involved when they are staying here. Obviously DP will be doing the real caring as they are here to see him, but I have not looked after children for more than a few hours here and there and am just scared I'll get it wrong and don't know how much to 'help', i.e. I don't want them to think I am ignoring them or want nothing to do with them, but I also don't want to overstep.

All of this is complicated by the fact that I sadly lost my own baby at 28 weeks several years ago who would now be roughly the same age as his DS. But that is really beside the current point. It just adds to my anxiety about it. I am sure that 'link' won't even cross my mind after a few weeks. But right now I have to force myself to not let that thought pop into my head or it brings a bit of a flood of pain.

So what are the 'rules'? What should/shouldn't I do?

You sound like such a lovely person! Little ones can sense compassion and goodness and I think you'll intuitively do just fine.

I'm also so sorry about your loss, I really feel for you. It's a hard thing to have that reminder. Be kind to yourself, there's not a time limit to grief or pain x

SuperCaliFragalistic · 02/08/2021 22:03

Be prepared for lots of crying and not much sleep.

LIZS · 02/08/2021 22:08

How much experience do you have with small children? Is the house baby proofed?

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 22:12

@Polkadots2021 thank you so much, that is such a kind thing to say and even though I know you don't actually know me makes me feel a bit better about it all. Grief is a tricky one. I will go for a while and think ok I am ok now, and then boom it just hits me again and feels so raw all over again.

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Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 22:13

@LIZS

How much experience do you have with small children? Is the house baby proofed?

Through my work a fair bit, but personally pretty much zero. House is safe yes.

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DP's children coming to stay for the first time

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