Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DP's children coming to stay for the first time

98 replies

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 20:42

So DP recently moved in with me. We've been together for almost a year (but have known each other for a long time). DP has two DCs and they are coming to stay overnight this weekend for the first time ever. They are 3 and 9mths old. We've set up the spare room for his DS and his DD will stay with us.

I am so nervous about all of this. I have met them many times now and they are lovely kids, but I am so worried about how much I should or shouldn't be involved when they are staying here. Obviously DP will be doing the real caring as they are here to see him, but I have not looked after children for more than a few hours here and there and am just scared I'll get it wrong and don't know how much to 'help', i.e. I don't want them to think I am ignoring them or want nothing to do with them, but I also don't want to overstep.

All of this is complicated by the fact that I sadly lost my own baby at 28 weeks several years ago who would now be roughly the same age as his DS. But that is really beside the current point. It just adds to my anxiety about it. I am sure that 'link' won't even cross my mind after a few weeks. But right now I have to force myself to not let that thought pop into my head or it brings a bit of a flood of pain.

So what are the 'rules'? What should/shouldn't I do?

OP posts:
lilmishap · 04/08/2021 00:21

Thanks for the concern, but I am not being taken advantage of here. I just don't see how my financial arrangements are particularly relevant to the topic at hand

Stability is important, as a devoted dad he should have focused his energy on getting somewhere to live, he didn't do that instead he jumped into a relationship.

You lost a baby and he's bringing you two kids to care for, You're clearly excited by that. Has he satisfied himself that you won't run away with one of his kids?

If you split up, then the kids have to deal with another loss of an adult and a change in circumstance. He's not made any effort to safeguard against that.

I hope it all works out for you but I wouldn't be happy if my ex moved straight in with a work colleague who wasn't charging rent, and was keen to play happy families with my kids.

MotionActivatedDog · 04/08/2021 08:52

I agree @lilmishap.

It all just screams convenience.

  1. His wife ends their marriage but instead of finding a new place he stays in the marital home, until he finds someone who will let him live in their house rent free?

  2. His wife ends their marriage and almost immediately he finds a new girlfriend that just happened to be a good friend he works with.

  3. and I’m sorry this may be hard to hear OP- you lost a baby that would be the same age as his son and here you are falling over yourself to bring his son and daughter into your home and, no doubt, play mother to them. And of course he is only too happy to let you. Your excitement at the prospect leaps out from the screen. Again, I am sorry, I know that will be painful to read and you’ll be shaking your head saying “no no no” but it really is very clear to see what is going on.

If he was being fair to you he wouldn’t do this so early in the relationship. He would find his own place with his children and let your relationship exist on its own merits until such time when it’s right to blend.

If he was being fair to his children he wouldn’t do this so soon (immediately) after leaving the family home. He would focus on creating a home for himself and his children that wasnt tied to any relationships he is in. After all, if you split up, which is entirely likely with the pressure of step parenting, his children have to get new bedrooms… again.

Original poster
Washyourtoes · 04/08/2021 11:05

@lilmishap

Thanks for the concern, but I am not being taken advantage of here. I just don't see how my financial arrangements are particularly relevant to the topic at hand

Stability is important, as a devoted dad he should have focused his energy on getting somewhere to live, he didn't do that instead he jumped into a relationship.

You lost a baby and he's bringing you two kids to care for, You're clearly excited by that. Has he satisfied himself that you won't run away with one of his kids?

If you split up, then the kids have to deal with another loss of an adult and a change in circumstance. He's not made any effort to safeguard against that.

I hope it all works out for you but I wouldn't be happy if my ex moved straight in with a work colleague who wasn't charging rent, and was keen to play happy families with my kids.

I can't believing I am responding to this bait, but here we are:

Maybe stop watching quite so many 'made for TV' dramas - people who loose a baby don't go around snatching other people's children. I hope you got a kick of that; I don't imagine you go around in real life spouting things like that.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
LuaDipa · 04/08/2021 12:03

You lost a baby and he's bringing you two kids to care for, You're clearly excited by that. Has he satisfied himself that you won't run away with one of his kids?

I think what lilmishap was trying to demonstrate is that realistically you could be anybody. You have only been together for a year (which is longer than his youngest has been alive) and rather than create a stable home for his dc, he has latched on to you and decided to move his kids in with a relative stranger. I don’t for one minute think you are a threat or anything like that, I think it’s clear from your posts that are trying your absolute best to make this work, but if he was truly a devoted father he would have focused on building a future for his dc before jumping into a relationship with you.

It’s also clear to many of us reading that this man is diving headfirst into a convenient relationship and expecting to move his kids in 50/50. While it’s lovely that you are willing to facilitate this, these are not the actions of a loving father. He has moved straight from his ex’s home into yours. Great for him I’m sure, but just how confusing do you think this is to his small children? He’s putting himself and his own needs first, not those of his kids and certainly not yours.

You make your own choices in life and you know him better than us, but given the limited information you have provided in this thread I would bet my right arm that this will all end in tears. Please step back for a minute and think about this.

AlmostSummer21 · 04/08/2021 15:10

[quote Mammyloveswine]@AlmostSummer21 why is it daft? The baby has only ever known mammy and daddy living together!!

So daddy now living with op in a new house! [/quote]
Because the baby is months old, they have NO concept of mummy/daddy/girlfriend/house/Bitcoin or anything else.

They feel safe/lives/wet/happy/cold. They don't analyse relationships!

CircleofWillis · 04/08/2021 20:04

*Because the baby is months old, they have NO concept of mummy/daddy/girlfriend/house/Bitcoin or anything else.

They feel safe/lives/wet/happy/cold. They don't analyse relationships!*

Of course they do. Have you never heard of attachment disorder which occurs when the bond to caregivers doesn't develop or is disrupted?

Barcalone · 04/08/2021 20:41

You paint a very different picture of your thread less than 3 months ago where you say he basically lied to you about everything and you were looking for a new job.
Why the rush to move in. He should get his own place for his children first, it’s convenient for him and free to move in with you.
Slow things down op. Take your time.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/08/2021 21:54

@Barcalone

You paint a very different picture of your thread less than 3 months ago where you say he basically lied to you about everything and you were looking for a new job. Why the rush to move in. He should get his own place for his children first, it’s convenient for him and free to move in with you. Slow things down op. Take your time.
To be fair, that thread ended with the OP explaining that she'd jumped to conclusions and he hadn't lied to her after all. It all sounds very complicated though
lalafafa · 04/08/2021 22:00

He’s been blown out and you’re an easy option. Run for the hills.

Barcalone · 04/08/2021 22:48

@EmmaGrundyForPM
To be fair, that thread ended with the OP explaining that she'd jumped to conclusions and he hadn't lied to her after all
I wholeheartedly apologise for my post ,thanks.
Still hoping the op slows things down

lilmishap · 05/08/2021 21:32

@Washyourtoes I don't watch made for tv dramas. I do know that you are supposed to be fairly certain of intent before introducing people to your kids.

I suspect if you hadn't lost your baby and found yourself in this position as a mother you would feel differently.

You seem to good to be true.....he doesn't.
You state you would not want to give up your home, because you understand the importance of stability and being a capable independent adult.
He happily moved in with you straight from his exes? Would you ever do that? I think you'd say no.

Ladywinesalot · 05/08/2021 21:56

You’ve been together for 1year but his youngest 9months old?

We’re you the OW whilst is DW was pregnant by any chance?

WouldBeGood · 05/08/2021 22:02

I’d be wary about having a baby with someone who’s split with his partner with two little ones. No matter what he’s told you.

Just leave him to it with them. I’d plan to go out if I were you.

WouldBeGood · 05/08/2021 22:20

Oh lord. Saw your other thread. I’d suggest you seek therapy and deal with the trauma you’ve suffered with abusive relationships 💐

Maggiesfarm · 05/08/2021 22:38

I am so sorry about the loss of your baby, op.

Quite honestly I think a nine month old baby is too young to be staying away from home, even though dad will be there.

Being a stepmother is far from easy. It would have been better had you fallen for someone without children, frankly, and he sounds as though he is still quite involved with his ex.

You've not been together that long, it would be easier to extricate yourself now than later. Moving in together so quickly (even though you knew each other for a while before becoming a couple), is not wise. He hasn't had long enough to process the split with ex wife and he obviously landed on his feet with you, having your own home, etc. It would have been better for him to live on his own for a while, at least a couple of years.

It sounds as though you have already arranged for the children to stay over so - see how it goes. If you are relieved when they have gone back home that is a sign that the relationship is not a sound one no matter how you feel about the man. Feelings do change too.

Whatever else you do, make sure you do not become pregnant at this time.

Good luck.

HalzTangz · 05/08/2021 22:53

For the first night (and to ease any fears the children may have sleeping in a strange house), why not set up a den in the lounge. The 3 year old could help build it, and you could camp the first night together.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/08/2021 23:21

Oh OP.

You really do sound lovely. And I can feel how much you want this relationship to right.

If your BF was truly all the things you say, he'd be giving himself time to create a new life, and recover from his relationship ending, while bringing up his DC

Instead your relationship began mere months after his relationship with his pregnant partner ended. He stayed living there while seeing you? You were ok with this?

How was it for you when his baby was born, especially after your loss? I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.

I also cannot believe a 9 mo is staying away from their mum overnight.

I really wish you could take a step back, and distance yourself. This is complicated & sounds like it has heartbreak written all over it.

I'm sure these replies are hard to read but the person who'll suffer most here is you.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/08/2021 23:22

@HalzTangz

For the first night (and to ease any fears the children may have sleeping in a strange house), why not set up a den in the lounge. The 3 year old could help build it, and you could camp the first night together.
Seriously? 😳
EarringsandLipstick · 05/08/2021 23:22

Whatever else you do, make sure you do not become pregnant at this time.

God yes.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/08/2021 23:24

But right now I have to force myself to not let that thought pop into my head or it brings a bit of a flood of pain.

I feel desperately sorry for you reading this.
OP, apart from anything else, you really don't sound emotionally ready for this involvement with someone else's child. 💐

Maggiesfarm · 05/08/2021 23:35

@EarringsandLipstick

But right now I have to force myself to not let that thought pop into my head or it brings a bit of a flood of pain.

I feel desperately sorry for you reading this.
OP, apart from anything else, you really don't sound emotionally ready for this involvement with someone else's child. 💐

Yes.

Go easy op.

HalzTangz · 05/08/2021 23:36

Yes seriously, or would you rather a 3 year old be scared at night in new surroundings

EarringsandLipstick · 05/08/2021 23:38

@HalzTangz

Yes seriously, or would you rather a 3 year old be scared at night in new surroundings
It's not remotely the OP's job to make sure her partner's 3 yo is secure.

And my 😳 was also at the fact that building a den was what you thought important to advise OP on in this really problematic situation that has disaster written all over it, sadly.

NeonDreams · 06/08/2021 09:57

[quote Mammyloveswine]@AlmostSummer21 why is it daft? The baby has only ever known mammy and daddy living together!!

So daddy now living with op in a new house! [/quote]
Lots of babies only ever know mummy (not 'mam' or 'madam') and daddy living together but that changes.

Many daddies and mummies move into new houses! You are acting like this has never happened in life! And certainly better it happens when they are so young and then get used to it, rather than at 10 years old or something.

NeonDreams · 06/08/2021 09:59

@lilmishap Has he satisfied himself that you won't run away with one of his kids?

Oh ffs! Do you realise how batshit you sound here? So you suspect every woman that has a miscarriage of running off with her partner's children? Get a hold of yourself!

Swipe left for the next trending thread