Page 4 | DP's children coming to stay for the first time

EarringsandLipstick · 06/08/2021 10:00

Lots of babies only ever know mummy (not 'mam' or 'madam')

Off topic but ... I assume 'madam' is a typo for 'Mammy'

Lots of people use Mammy. 🤨

NeonDreams · 06/08/2021 10:04

@MotionActivatedDog

I agree *@lilmishap*.

It all just screams convenience.

His wife ends their marriage but instead of finding a new place he stays in the marital home, until he finds someone who will let him live in their house rent free?
His wife ends their marriage and almost immediately he finds a new girlfriend that just happened to be a good friend he works with.
and I’m sorry this may be hard to hear OP- you lost a baby that would be the same age as his son and here you are falling over yourself to bring his son and daughter into your home and, no doubt, play mother to them. And of course he is only too happy to let you. Your excitement at the prospect leaps out from the screen. Again, I am sorry, I know that will be painful to read and you’ll be shaking your head saying “no no no” but it really is very clear to see what is going on.

If he was being fair to you he wouldn’t do this so early in the relationship. He would find his own place with his children and let your relationship exist on its own merits until such time when it’s right to blend.

If he was being fair to his children he wouldn’t do this so soon (immediately) after leaving the family home. He would focus on creating a home for himself and his children that wasnt tied to any relationships he is in. After all, if you split up, which is entirely likely with the pressure of step parenting, his children have to get new bedrooms… again.

They want to live together. Normally that happens when you are in a relationship. And they've known each other for years. Having two separate homes makes no sense; financially or relationship-wise. What sense does it make for her DP to go and buy a home, only to have to sell it to move in? Even rent. That would be THREE houses the kids would have to get used to, instead of just two. They'd be uprooted even more with another house in between their first one and their one with OP.

NeonDreams · 06/08/2021 10:07

@EarringsandLipstick

Lots of babies only ever know mummy (not 'mam' or 'madam')

Off topic but ... I assume 'madam' is a typo for 'Mammy'

Lots of people use Mammy. 🤨

Mam is short for madam, in reality. However mam, 'mam (madam) all made me shudder with repulsion. It's a terrible way to address a woman. Sorry, just can't stand seeing the word 'mam', in any form, it's terrible. I always thing yes mam, no mam, three bags full mam. But I don't want to derail the thread.

MotionActivatedDog · 06/08/2021 10:13

Having two separate homes makes no sense; financially or relationship-wise.

I disagree with you. Yes financially, it makes more sense to live together. But I mean if we’re talking financial savings as the priority then all couples should move in together as soon as they meet- shouldn’t they? But they don’t- why? Because there are more important factors than whether it makes sense financially. One of the most important factors is that it needs to be right for the relationship and you are wrong that it makes relationship sense for him to move straight out of his marital home with his two very small children and into OPs home, particularly when you consider her particular circumstances. In this case it is very much not sensible for the relationship for them to live together right now.

NeonDreams · 06/08/2021 10:15

@LuaDipa

You lost a baby and he's bringing you two kids to care for, You're clearly excited by that. Has he satisfied himself that you won't run away with one of his kids?

I think what lilmishap was trying to demonstrate is that realistically you could be anybody. You have only been together for a year (which is longer than his youngest has been alive) and rather than create a stable home for his dc, he has latched on to you and decided to move his kids in with a relative stranger. I don’t for one minute think you are a threat or anything like that, I think it’s clear from your posts that are trying your absolute best to make this work, but if he was truly a devoted father he would have focused on building a future for his dc before jumping into a relationship with you.

It’s also clear to many of us reading that this man is diving headfirst into a convenient relationship and expecting to move his kids in 50/50. While it’s lovely that you are willing to facilitate this, these are not the actions of a loving father. He has moved straight from his ex’s home into yours. Great for him I’m sure, but just how confusing do you think this is to his small children? He’s putting himself and his own needs first, not those of his kids and certainly not yours.

You make your own choices in life and you know him better than us, but given the limited information you have provided in this thread I would bet my right arm that this will all end in tears. Please step back for a minute and think about this.

realistically you could be anybody. You have only been together for a year

They've known each other for years! She's not some stranger. And a year is more than long enough to know if you want to live together. Where I am, many people move in together around 2 months in the relationship, imo a year is well long enough, either you are in a relationship together therefore want to be together and live together, or not. You should know by that point. And OP said she wanted him to move in, he wanted to get another house. So it's not him that has latched on in this situation.

How on earth does him living with OP mean he 'can't' build a relationship with his children? wtf? Does he have to be a monk to build a relationship with his children? And they are very young so too young to know differently, better do it now, than wait til they're like 5 or 10.

I'll never understand this weird obsession UKers have with waiting 5 or 10 years to move in together. One year is more than long enough to know, More than long enough. By that time you either are living together or you go your separate ways. Shit or get off the pot. Fish or cut bait. Etc.

NeonDreams · 06/08/2021 10:19

@HalzTangz

For the first night (and to ease any fears the children may have sleeping in a strange house), why not set up a den in the lounge. The 3 year old could help build it, and you could camp the first night together.

That sounds like a great idea, OP.

NeonDreams · 06/08/2021 10:23

I had to check where this thread was, I thought it was in AIBU going by some of the batshit crazy replies. Maybe you should ask this to be put in Relationships, OP, instead of chat?

Nowthisisme · 06/08/2021 10:57

OP I’m sure it will all go well, possibly in a chaotic kind of way. My suggestion to you, being a stepmum who started to get to know DSD at one, is to let dad do the parenting and be careful not to get sucked into wife work. Of course you will want to lend a hand but start as you mean to go on!

HarrietOh · 06/08/2021 11:16

@NeonDreams
'Mam' is completely normal for us up north

Steakandcheeseplease · 06/08/2021 11:54

OP you have to take responsibility for your own part in this. I'm baffled why you have done this to be honest.

GetTaeFuck · 06/08/2021 12:41

Jesus OP, I’ve just read your other thread.

Why are you still with a man who cheated on his pregnant wife? Who lied to you about being separated?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 06/08/2021 12:44

@GetTaeFuck

Jesus OP, I’ve just read your other thread.

Why are you still with a man who cheated on his pregnant wife? Who lied to you about being separated?

If you'd read to the end of that thread you would see that the OP had made a mistake and (understandably) jumped to the wrong conclusion. He didn't cheat on his wife as far as she knows and he didn't lie.

That said, this relationship sounds wrong in lots of ways. He needs to concentrate on his children. The OP sounds lovely but I fear she's being taken advantage of

Alcemeg · 06/08/2021 13:23

Oh God, OP, sorry you are getting such a kicking here for no apparent reason. I just discovered your other thread and have posted there too.

I have not looked after children for more than a few hours here and there and am just scared I'll get it wrong
I'd be cacking my pants too, and it's bound to be scary for everyone (not just you). But all relationships have to start somewhere and you have the best of intentions, so that's an excellent start.

It also sounds as though you and DP have an excellent solid relationship; I don't see any evidence of the exploitation and recklessness that PPs are being so bitchy concerned about. I'm sure you've expressed your anxieties to him, and there is no need for you to pretend to know all the answers. I'm sure he will help you to find the best way forward.

I know how hard it is to struggle with the idea of your own competence after an abusive relationship. You just think it goes to prove you never get anything right. Well, it doesn't. Sounds like you're in a really good place and will continue to get things right. Everyone makes mistakes now and then, but you have a good heart and your head screwed on.

I'm always posting this video on MN as it seems to apply to so many situations in life, but I just wanted to share it with you as a way to come to terms with your ongoing anxiety about screwing up.

Happy weekend to you and your lovely family!

EarringsandLipstick · 06/08/2021 13:30

Mam is short for madam, in reality. However mam, 'mam (madam) all made me shudder with repulsion. It's a terrible way to address a woman. Sorry, just can't stand seeing the word 'mam', in any form, it's terrible. I always thing yes mam, no mam, three bags full mam. But I don't want to derail the thread

It's not 🙄

In this context, Mam or Mammy, is another name for a mother. It's nothing to do with madam.

The other poster didn't use Mam. She used Mammy. You corrected it to Mummy.

Mammy (and Mam) is used in many places. In Ireland of course, where I am, but in many parts of the UK.

You are ridiculous to correct the usage of a term to your own preferred format, underlining for effect, and to shudder over a usage of a term whose origins you've got completely wrong

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 06/08/2021 15:41

[quote Alcemeg]Oh God, OP, sorry you are getting such a kicking here for no apparent reason. I just discovered your other thread and have posted there too.

I have not looked after children for more than a few hours here and there and am just scared I'll get it wrong
I'd be cacking my pants too, and it's bound to be scary for everyone (not just you). But all relationships have to start somewhere and you have the best of intentions, so that's an excellent start.

It also sounds as though you and DP have an excellent solid relationship; I don't see any evidence of the exploitation and recklessness that PPs are being so bitchy concerned about. I'm sure you've expressed your anxieties to him, and there is no need for you to pretend to know all the answers. I'm sure he will help you to find the best way forward.

I know how hard it is to struggle with the idea of your own competence after an abusive relationship. You just think it goes to prove you never get anything right. Well, it doesn't. Sounds like you're in a really good place and will continue to get things right. Everyone makes mistakes now and then, but you have a good heart and your head screwed on.

I'm always posting this video on MN as it seems to apply to so many situations in life, but I just wanted to share it with you as a way to come to terms with your ongoing anxiety about screwing up.

Happy weekend to you and your lovely family!

[/quote] Thank you, I read your comment on the other thread too. I just wanted to say you are wonderful and that was really, really helpful.

I've chatted with DP and have suggested that on Sat morning I'll make some plans with friends and go out till mid afternoon to just give them a chance to settle with just him and then we will go from there. We are both excited and nervous. I also took another piece of advice! I've thought long and hard whether there are any things I would be sad about if they got wrecked and bought a plastic table cloth for my dining table so they can go to town on that now . So thanks.

I am really grateful for the helpful advice I received on this thread to the question I asked.

To those still concerned, both DP and I (and his ex actually) work in a profession which means we are acutely aware of safeguarding and also child development, which I mention just to clarify that children do decidedly not develop attachment disorders from visiting their dad (and his partner) to the poster who suggested as much.

DP is a man who as I said I have known for years through work and who even in hugely emotive, critical, difficult situations no matter how tired, stressed or worn out, is endlessly patient and has never ever lost his temper or so much as raised his voice to anyone. He is respected and well liked by everyone who knows him (even his ex who he has a decent relationship with despite everything). She also clearly has no concerns over sharing their care with him, neither has she been concerned about them spending time with me.

OP posts:

Alcemeg · 06/08/2021 15:59

Aww, bless you @Washyourtoes. I'm glad if anything I posted has been of any help.

I just wanted to add a little bit about the grief over your miscarriage, too, although it's probably not my place to comment as I have no experience of such a sad loss. All I have that is vaguely similar is that in my first (abusive) marriage, my husband left me with no choice but to have an abortion. Which is obviously not quite the same thing at all, but also involved quite a bit of coming to terms with over the years.

The way I feel now (I'm too old to have kids) is that I'm rather glad to enjoy other people's children and be able to hand them back at the end of the day. You sound like a really caring person and I'm sure you'll do just fine and the kids will adore you. It's great that you've found such a lovely man and the situation with his ex is brilliant -- proof, if any were needed, of their emotional maturity.

I know you would have liked a child of your own, and perhaps one day you will fulfil that dream, but in the meantime you get a ready-made family (and without any of the physical injury described on the tragic guest thread recently about traumatic births!). I'd say after some dark times, the fairies have finally gathered around you and showered you with some well-earned blessings. Try to enjoy it and not get too wrapped up in worrying about your own imagined incompetence. You'll learn to trust yourself more as time goes on.

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 06/08/2021 17:13

All I have that is vaguely similar is that in my first (abusive) marriage, my husband left me with no choice but to have an abortion. Which is obviously not quite the same thing at all, but also involved quite a bit of coming to terms with over the years.

I am so sorry to hear this. That must have been so difficult; what a hideous human he is. I am so glad you got out of that situation and it sounds like things are much better for you today!

For me it was getting pregnant that finally gave me the strength to get away from him. I heard her heartbeat and just thought no way are you getting anywhere near my child. She changed everything for me.

OP posts:

HalzTangz · 06/08/2021 20:50

Of course it partly her responsibility, they live together,the children will be staying at he flat, she is now part of their family (and assuming she's in for the long haul).
I think it's ridiculous for people to say she has no part in these children's life's. She is pet of it, she already is involved with days out.
I can't think of anything worse for a kid than staying at someone house when that someone doest mingle and get involved.

So yes, OP, have fun with the kids, play, make a den etc,but don't stand back and ignore the children.

Speak to your partner with reference to discipline, he can tell you what he would prefer

CircleofWillis · 07/08/2021 00:44

Hi OP,
I'm the poster who mentioned attachment disorders but it was in response to this...

Because the baby is months old, they have NO concept of mummy/daddy/girlfriend/house/Bitcoin or anything else.

They feel safe/lives/wet/happy/cold. They don't analyse relationships!

Not to your situation. I was pointing out that babies DO have a concept and recognition of the important people in their lives which is evidenced by attachment disorder which occurs when the caregiver role/relationship is extremely disrupted.

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 07/08/2021 13:16

@CircleofWillis

Hi OP, I'm the poster who mentioned attachment disorders but it was in response to this...

Because the baby is months old, they have NO concept of mummy/daddy/girlfriend/house/Bitcoin or anything else.

They feel safe/lives/wet/happy/cold. They don't analyse relationships!

Not to your situation. I was pointing out that babies DO have a concept and recognition of the important people in their lives which is evidenced by attachment disorder which occurs when the caregiver role/relationship is extremely disrupted.

Fair enough. Sorry I clearly got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 07/08/2021 15:22

@Washyourtoes

I've read your updates and still feel hugely concerned about this relationship

I can't imagine anyone starting a serious relationship with someone else while their ex-partner is pregnant, knowing they plan to continue to live together for a further period.

I really wonder why you were prepared to enter into this relationship in those circumstances. Surely you'd have waited until he was free, properly, to have a relationship.

You describe him in glowing terms. If I were him, and most people I warrant would be similar, I'd want to have my own space, come to terms with the abrupt ending of my relationship, and create a suitable home for my very small dependent children. Not a hope would I move straight into someone else's house, that I then planned to bring my small children to.

He's not paying rent. You have no clear financial arrangement. You have had an abusive relationship & a very sad loss. I imagine you would like children still? Have you worked out all those issues with him?

You do sound lovely, and kind. You sound also like you are playing houses with this man. You say he's the most wonderful person, his actions belie this. This works for him. He's not at all given consideration to whether it will work for you.

If you keep seeing him, consider taking a step back? Don't become involved with his children. Live separately. Give yourself time, and protect yourself.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/08/2021 16:02

@NeonDreams 'mammy' is used by many people especially in the north and in Ireland. In fact the PP you picked up on using it has mammy in her username

ineedaholidaynow · 07/08/2021 16:16

So do the ex's family and friends know she has separated from DH now @Washyourtoes?

DP's children coming to stay for the first time

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