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Original poster

DP's children coming to stay for the first time

98 replies

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 20:42

So DP recently moved in with me. We've been together for almost a year (but have known each other for a long time). DP has two DCs and they are coming to stay overnight this weekend for the first time ever. They are 3 and 9mths old. We've set up the spare room for his DS and his DD will stay with us.

I am so nervous about all of this. I have met them many times now and they are lovely kids, but I am so worried about how much I should or shouldn't be involved when they are staying here. Obviously DP will be doing the real caring as they are here to see him, but I have not looked after children for more than a few hours here and there and am just scared I'll get it wrong and don't know how much to 'help', i.e. I don't want them to think I am ignoring them or want nothing to do with them, but I also don't want to overstep.

All of this is complicated by the fact that I sadly lost my own baby at 28 weeks several years ago who would now be roughly the same age as his DS. But that is really beside the current point. It just adds to my anxiety about it. I am sure that 'link' won't even cross my mind after a few weeks. But right now I have to force myself to not let that thought pop into my head or it brings a bit of a flood of pain.

So what are the 'rules'? What should/shouldn't I do?

OP posts:

Fridgedooropen · 02/08/2021 22:13

Not trying to hurry you into this, but have you two had the talk about having a child together further on? Is that something you are on the same page on? Sorry for your baby loss

Embracelife · 02/08/2021 22:14

Just ask dp what he expects from you
If he has been as involved as you say then he caN surely tell you what he expects from you
And how he expcts them to be

Embracelife · 02/08/2021 22:15

He know his dc
So talk to him

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Families

EmmaGrundyForPM · 02/08/2021 22:16

I suspect the 3 year old will not want to sleep alone in a strange house.

You sound lovely but I think this is up to your dp.

sleepingdragon · 02/08/2021 22:17

@LIZS

How much experience do you have with small children? Is the house baby proofed?

This (along with arcof's suggestions about not trying to parent them).

Moving/securing anything thats dangerous, fragile or a pain to pick up if its tipped over will make for a much better weekend. You will be less stressed if you aren't worrying about your belongings being broken or the children getting hurt, and the 3 year old will be much happier if they aren't constantly being told not to do things.

LagneyandCasey · 02/08/2021 22:19

I was just asking advice on how to balance this well, because I want to this to go well and not be a scary experience for his children first and foremost, but also because this is so incredibly important for the person I love. And I want to get my part in it right.

A lovely attitude to have, op. I really hope it all goes well. It might take a few visits before things settle down so try not to worry and don't be hard on yourself if it's a bit difficult a while. I hope you'll come back and let us know how it goes.

LtDansleg · 02/08/2021 22:20

I think the best thing you can do is not overthink it. No one knows what they’re going to be like so just go by instinct. Personally I’d be fully hands on with the baby because it’s just a baby. With the 3yo I’d take their lead

MotionActivatedDog · 02/08/2021 22:21

but I am so worried about how much I should or shouldn't be involved when they are staying here.

I wouldn’t at all tbh. I’d stand right back and make it clear from the start you aren’t childcare. At those ages it would be so easy for you to get dragged into “just giving DP a hand” which will then be taken for granted and assumed every time they come- and again- at those ages that will be a lot of work.

Set your boundaries now.

MotionActivatedDog · 02/08/2021 22:26

It is my house and no I am not charging him rent. Finances are not an issue either.

Keep your wits about you. Do you know what a cocklodger is?

LtDansleg · 02/08/2021 22:29

@MotionActivatedDog

It is my house and no I am not charging him rent. Finances are not an issue either.

Keep your wits about you. Do you know what a cocklodger is?

Yeh I sensed a bit of a red flag here. The children aren’t the issue, they’re only babies. But the boyfriend has bagged himself a free house for him and his kids, and a girlfriend who’ll bend over backwards trying to get everything perfect for him. Op why isn’t he giving you money towards the house?

Yumbotumbo · 02/08/2021 22:32

You seem really caring and like you just want to get it right.. There's no wrong or right when it comes to this situation.. It's all about trial and error. I'd say let them take the lead and just let them know you're there, like a friend almost.. Having been with former partners with children. I would say just try and remember they have two parents already and don't try to parent them. You're a big part of your dps life and inevitably will be part of the childrens life but it's important to know the boundaries.. The 3 year old will probably find it hardest to adjust.
Good for you for seeking advice though. Shows you really care x

MotionActivatedDog · 02/08/2021 22:39

But the boyfriend has bagged himself a free house for him and his kids, and a girlfriend who’ll bend over backwards trying to get everything perfect for him.

Exactly this.

OP you’re far too keen here.

Step back and just watch for a while. There is a lot going on, DP has only just moved in with you himself, that’s a big thing in a relationship by itself, now he has a baby and a toddler coming to your house for overnights. there’s going to be a huge adjustment period for everyone involved. You certainly need to take some time to make sure your DP and his children is what you want in your Home and long term. You don’t need to make anything perfect. You need to watch and listen to make sure this situation is right for you

LtDansleg · 02/08/2021 22:46

@MotionActivatedDog

But the boyfriend has bagged himself a free house for him and his kids, and a girlfriend who’ll bend over backwards trying to get everything perfect for him.

Exactly this.

OP you’re far too keen here.

The more I read the op’s posts, the more alarmed I get. They haven’t even been together for a single year yet. He’s been living with his ex almost that entire time. He still spends every day at his exes after work. He’s moved into the ops house free of charge. He had her shopping for baby and safety equipment to make her house suitable for his kids. And he now has her practically having a panic attack over his much she can do for him and his kids. Have you set any boundaries at all op?

CornishTiger · 02/08/2021 22:53

^^^ listen to these warnings.

He has it very comfortable…….

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 23:09

Thanks for the concern, but I am not being taken advantage of here. I just don't see how my financial arrangements are particularly relevant to the topic at hand.

But both DP and I are financially stable. He does contribute - I just don't charge him rent as such. It was actually my condition that he move in with me rather than getting a new place together as per his request. Because I don't want to give up my home.

He bends over backwards for me too.

Just because I went shopping with him for things for his kids, does not translate into me paying for them. The only thing I bought myself were two little teddies, but I've since put them away cause I felt a bit daft after thinking it through and realising they will not want them, they will want their own from home. Which is actually what led to this thread.

OP posts:

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 23:14

And thank you for all the other good tips @sleepingdragon, @LagneyandCasey, @LtDansleg & @Yumbotumbo (and anyone I may have missed. Sorry!).

OP posts:

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 02/08/2021 23:17

@Fridgedooropen

Not trying to hurry you into this, but have you two had the talk about having a child together further on? Is that something you are on the same page on? Sorry for your baby loss

Yes we have talked about it because it is something I want so much it was important to me that we are on the same page about that. He also would like more children. But that will be a while down the line for both of us.

OP posts:

Mammyloveswine · 02/08/2021 23:35

Op you sound lovely but I too am a little concerned given how young his children are (and that he got with you when his ex was 6 months pregnant-in the middle of a global pandemic too..)

You've have great advice op but take a deep breath..if it were me I'd advise he get his own place! Take it slowly! His very young children have only known daddy at home..now he has a new home! The baby especially will be so confused as to your role in her life!

Mammyloveswine · 02/08/2021 23:37

I don't mean that to sound harsh op I think it's easy to pre-judge a situation looking in from the outside,

You sound so lovely and thoughtful so I hope everything works out for you!

LtDansleg · 02/08/2021 23:37

Oh, even better. He’s already planning on bringing more kids into this shit show, with a girl he’s not even been with a year that he’s already started sponging off?

CircleofWillis · 03/08/2021 07:15

I think the two teddies are a lovely idea. It will make the three year old feel welcome and be a nice link to their father's house.

I agree with the other posters who are urging caution. From the outside there are many red flags. Everything seems too quick, too intense and too convenient for him.

Do you get on with the ex? How does she feel about the 9 month old staying away overnight in an unfamiliar house?

I think you do sound lovely and would make a very careful and caring stepmother. Just make sure you protect yourself emotionally and financially. Good luck! I hope he really is who you think he is.

AlmostSummer21 · 03/08/2021 07:20

The baby especially will be so confused as to your role in her life!

Don't be daft.

Original poster

Washyourtoes · 03/08/2021 08:35

@CircleofWillis

I think the two teddies are a lovely idea. It will make the three year old feel welcome and be a nice link to their father's house.

I agree with the other posters who are urging caution. From the outside there are many red flags. Everything seems too quick, too intense and too convenient for him.

Do you get on with the ex? How does she feel about the 9 month old staying away overnight in an unfamiliar house?

I think you do sound lovely and would make a very careful and caring stepmother. Just make sure you protect yourself emotionally and financially. Good luck! I hope he really is who you think he is.

I can see how it could look that way, but in reality he isn't some Tinder date that has moved himself in and is sponging off me. He is someone I have known at work for years and who has been my friend when things were about as tough for me as they could be. He is kind, gentle and reliable. And he's not exactly had a 'convenient' year. His partner told him she does not love him anymore during a pandemic and he has made living alongside her work regardless for their kids. Now he has moved out of the home they bought together and away from his children. Work has been incredibly difficult for both of us over the past eighteen months. Throughout all this, I have never heard him say anything bad about his ex. My friends love him. Everyone at work who happens to know us both thinks this is brilliant. We've both had difficult times and somehow we have both ended up in a place where we are actually happy. And it feels wonderful.

I will broach the teddy idea with DP and see what he thinks.

OP posts:

Mammyloveswine · 03/08/2021 23:08

@AlmostSummer21 why is it daft? The baby has only ever known mammy and daddy living together!!

So daddy now living with op in a new house!

TheABC · 03/08/2021 23:27

Please, OP, take this really slowly.
Especially with young children in the picture who will get hurt/easily confused.

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