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Original poster

Becoming a monk or nun in a silent order

114 replies

Serenissima21 · 31/07/2021 18:54

Today I visited a monastery. Each monk has his own cell which is a bedroom, tiny study, chapel and vegetable garden. It is a silent order. The monks spend most of their time in their cells but eat and worship together- in silence.

I've always thought it sounded appealing but today I'm not so sure. Im not sure what the upsides are - I guess lockdown was easy? They have no tv or internet obviously and we didn't meet any as they don't come out when there are visitors.

My friend's sister became a nun in a stricter, closed order. She's not allowed out unless she leaves completely but she says she's never been happier.

I don't know what the point of this post is but just wondered if anyone here has ever contemplated (or experienced) a monastic life.

OP posts:
ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 01/08/2021 19:00

I think monasteries started as an alternative to martyrdom didn't they? As opportunities to show how much you love god by dying for the cause fell away once Christianity became dominant people looked to other ways to 'give their lives to Christ'. Entering a monastery or convent and renouncing life was one way.

So yes, it's a waste of life. But that's part of the point I think.

Not sure if that's true today though.

LemonRoses · 01/08/2021 19:09

We regularly use the farm shop at Quarr when we are on the Isle of Wight. Its a delightful place, with an excellent tea room and lots of piglets to feed. I don't thin the enchantment of a gentle life of artistry and smallholding is quite such a simple thing as one imagines. I couldn't do a 4:30 am start every morning and have so little control over my own life.

quarrabbey.org/monastery/vocation/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-monk/

sleepyhoglet · 01/08/2021 19:10

@Serenissima21 not necessarily sedentary at all! A lot of physical work to be done. One order I know are involved in education and another branch of the same order in care of the elderly. And then there is the day to day running of the convent. The order I know are the same who did the TV programme Bad Habits, Holy Orders. You might be able to watch it on vimeo or similar

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sleepyhoglet · 01/08/2021 19:11

Carthusian/Trappists are one of the stricter orders. Benedictine quite relaxed really!

sleepyhoglet · 01/08/2021 19:12

@LemonRoses I think nuns and monks would argue that actually within an order they have the control over their lives that they lacked in the "outside world", which is full of distraction away from God. That's always the understanding when I've spoken with nuns and monks. They feel free.

LysistrataVickers · 01/08/2021 19:18

It's a shame they don't do month long silent order breaks (apologies for being flippant). They'd make a killing though!

CMOTDibbler · 01/08/2021 19:22

My mum was a nun in a teaching order (so not silent!) but left before her final vows as the call to have her own children was stronger.

LemonRoses · 01/08/2021 19:22

sleepyhoglet Perhaps. The ones I know would say they have given their life to God and chosen a life of obedience, so have no need to make decisions and are comfortable with that.

Duetorain · 01/08/2021 19:25

I accidentally did a week silent retreat (the advert didn’t mention silence.) I have ASD and find communication hard. It was even harder interpreting gestures about passing salt or water. I truly hated it and escaped each afternoon into town just to hear other people.

Curioushorse · 01/08/2021 19:42

I have a relative who went into an order a few years ago. We were all shocked and horrified. It felt very abnormal, and, yes, we felt it was a massive waste of time. She is isolated, and gets five afternoons a year when she can see us.

.....but she also seems very happy. She is devout- and our family's reaction seems at odds with us all being marched to church every week. Her parents hate that she's utterly reliant on charity, and that she's essentially sitting around praying all day.

As her mum says, if saint Clare was around today she wouldn't be faffing about locking herself in a convent for 51 weeks a year. She'd be doing something to make a difference in people's lives.

TheCanyon · 01/08/2021 19:45

[quote sleepyhoglet]@LemonRoses I think nuns and monks would argue that actually within an order they have the control over their lives that they lacked in the "outside world", which is full of distraction away from God. That's always the understanding when I've spoken with nuns and monks. They feel free. [/quote]
Certainly was the case for my uncle who faced great grief due to the suicide of his mum in his late teens, and the sorrow of carrying out voluntary work in Ghana in the 50s. I think he carried a lot of weight on his shoulders and was almost certainly depressed. The monastery was a totally impulsive action, albeit a successful one for him that lasted 50 years until his death in 2017.

Kanaloa · 01/08/2021 19:47

I’m not really a believer so probably why I don’t get this - if you are a believer, how is cutting yourself off from the world serving your god? Surely you believe that god made everything and would want to experience and enjoy the world.

And wouldn’t it please god better if you went out and tried to spread the word/do charitable works etc? It just seems odd to me, very restrictive and not appreciating life and all it’s opportunities.

Hm2020 · 01/08/2021 20:02

@ShippingNews I hadn’t thought about it before but after watching that video with the weekend I’ve had and the stressful week coming I’d bloody love that life

Slingsanderrors · 01/08/2021 22:17

@UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername

Rumer Godden's 'In this House of Brede' is a fascinating account of life in a Benedictine convent. It's not a silent order, but it's an interesting perspective.
Thank you! I read this years ago in my late teens, just bought it on my kindle to read again.
Duetorain · 01/08/2021 22:23

@Kanaloa
I’m a Catholic (but definitely not an expert). A Catholic can serve God in many ways - as a parent, married, doing good works (some of things the orders of priests and nuns that have schools/old age homes).

Another way is prayer. Most practising Catholics would pray regularly but these orders feel called to do that more as their main work. The world includes God so talking to God is part of the world.

I’ve never thought about it before but it is also comforting as a Catholic out in the world that that there are people praying.

AnotherMarvellousThing · 01/08/2021 22:23

@Curioushorse

I have a relative who went into an order a few years ago. We were all shocked and horrified. It felt very abnormal, and, yes, we felt it was a massive waste of time. She is isolated, and gets five afternoons a year when she can see us.

.....but she also seems very happy. She is devout- and our family's reaction seems at odds with us all being marched to church every week. Her parents hate that she's utterly reliant on charity, and that she's essentially sitting around praying all day.

As her mum says, if saint Clare was around today she wouldn't be faffing about locking herself in a convent for 51 weeks a year. She'd be doing something to make a difference in people's lives.

But what are you, her family, doing with your lives that is so valuable?

They believe they do make a difference via prayer.

And when St Clare lived, and for a great deal of the history of women’s religious orders in particular, women were either controlled by their fathers or husbands, so becoming a nun (or a widow) was the only way to lead an independent life, and absolutely the only way to be able to nurse, teach, work with the poor freely. Now any woman who wants can dedicate herself to a career in medicine, nursing, teaching, social work, working with migrants, married or single etc — no need to be a nun to do it any longer. Hence the drying up of numbers applying to those orders, at least in the developed world. (As well as the scandals of religious orders incarcerating women in mother and baby homes, Magdalen laundries etc.) But women are still applying in small but steady numbers to the contemplative orders.

HangingOver · 01/08/2021 22:25

How can they be completely silent? How on earth does anything get organised?

MsAwesomeDragon · 01/08/2021 22:40

I did a gap year (6 months really) living in a convent in India with the missionaries of charity. By the end of it I was seriously contemplating joining the order. They weren't silent, they are very much community based. The convent I lived in was attached to a leprosy centre so they did a lot of medical care for the patients, but they also had a children's centre for the children of the patients, plus they ran the primary school in the village and had like a food bank type thing one day a week. There was a lot of work, a lot of hardship, but there also seemed to be a lot of fun and laughter through it all.

What eventually put me off was the realisation that the nuns don't get to choose what they do, or where they're sent. So I was unlikely to be allowed to stay in my quiet village convent in India, I would be far more likely to be sent to inner city UK/Australia/USA, because I speak English. And the nuns have to move every 2 years, or they did at that place, so there's somebody moving on and someone else arriving most months, which I wouldn't like. It would be very difficult to make meaningful friendships with the other nuns, which I believe is part of the point.

I also wanted children. Which is incompatible with being a nun. Now, 23 years later, I'm very glad I chose not to join them, as I've lost my faith completely and don't even consider myself a Catholic, let alone have any ideas of becoming a nun. But those 6 months were amongst the happiest times of my life and if I could live in a community of women without it necessarily being religious I think I would jump at the chance (not sure I'm ready to leave DH to set one up though)

Pippin2028 · 01/08/2021 22:57

I do know of a nun who joined an order to escape the poverty of her home country, but when she decided to leave the order, she was treated quite badly. She was given some money by them to start afresh but she had to rely on the generousity of others to get started, I'm not sure what her story is now though.
It can be the perfect life for some and a total nightmare for others, but I do think a silent retreat probably does people especially those with busy lives alot of good to stop and reflect.

airforsharon · 01/08/2021 23:01

I've been on retreat several times, to both a Franciscan monastery and a Marist community convent. I'm an atheist fwiw, and the closest i've ever come to joining any religious group is the Quakers

I've always enjoyed theology & considered studying it at uni for a while. I'm also quite introverted and have no trouble being silent/in my own head.

There are many different types of communities. As an eg, Franciscan postulants spend time at several different houses within the order, to help them decide where they feel they will best be able to serve. One monastery i stayed is very quiet, in the back of beyond, but another house is in a town where they accommodate & care for single homeless men. So very different.

The thing i think i would struggle with is the lack of autonomy - you can be moved to a different house within the order, and not really have any say. When i was with the Franciscans one of the brothers found out he was being sent to Italy, and he was expected to just accept the decision and go.

They believe they do make a difference via prayer This. And other religious orders are very active in their communities and do a great deal to help and support people in a very hands on, practical way. I don't think any way of living is more 'worthy' than another tbh.

Mrbob · 01/08/2021 23:06

@craftyminer

Seems like such a waste of a life to me. To do nothing and go nowhere and help no one and achieve zilch. You'd be so clueless about the works if you never spoke to anyone or watched telly etc
Why is it a waste? If you are happy? Is working a job you hate and spending your evening scrolling Facebook and watching Love Island and wishing your life away better?
Cameleongirl · 01/08/2021 23:06

One of DH’s aunt is a nun in a teaching order. Apparently, she had her calling ( some sort of vision, I presume), while she was out on a date…must’ve been a shock for her boyfriend.😂

Her order runs a school and offers residential accommodation for children with special needs, so really the opposite of a silent order. She’s a lovely person and still very much in touch with her family.

ScrollingLeaves · 01/08/2021 23:20

I have always thought being a nun an attractive thought but it would probably be very difficult in practice.

I think there is a whole hidden history of fascinating and brilliant women within the history of the orders.

Jackthementalkitten · 01/08/2021 23:55

Our local pharmacist is actually a nun! I never knew that there were nuns who were pharmacists. Very nice lady too talk too

Hen2018 · 02/08/2021 00:21

What a waste of a life.

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