Our three year old is making us all miserable :(

[ThreenagerBlues]

Coming to the end of a week off of much awaited annual leave where once again, I come to realise I'm happier when I'm at work. It feels so horrible to say this but I just don't enjoy living with our three year old DS. His constant tantrums, nagging and whinging has reached a point where it is just so draining and exhausting. My mental health is falling through the floor. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a day where I felt happy . There might be parts of a day that are ok because we go out for a nice walk or he may have a couple of hours where he's at that optimum level of not being tired, bored, hungry etc. But the vast majority of the time, life just feels like one long endurance test both physically and mentally.

It's effecting my older DD too who is 8. She gets frustrated by his tantrums and the way he tends to bulldoze in and ruin anything she wants to do. She then ends up lashing out at him and gets told off too.

Mine and DH relationship is becoming non existent. It's like we are just surviving..both exhausted and stressed and sick to death of the daily grind of work, childcare plus some fairly major work we are having to do on our house which we can't put on hold as at the point of no return now and it's a mess. There's next to no downtime. We've not had a child free night since before DS was born. The grandparents won't have DS until he is less of a handful and tbh they aren't young and I would feel too worried that they were struggling with him.

Earlier today I was in tears yet again because after 5 hours of almost constant tantrums over every little thing I just couldn't take anymore. DH always shares the load but today busy doing building work which I don't want to delay as that's another aspect of our lives that is stressful right now and the sooner it's finished the better. I ended up cuddling DS both of us in tears until he eventually gave in and fell asleep as sometimes only a nap will help reset his mood. I found myself thinking how much happier we were as a family before we had him. How bloody awful is that . He was so wanted and I love him but I just feel so done with parenting. I don't even think I'm very good at it tbh because otherwise I wouldn't be hating it so much would I?
I don't really know what I'm asking here tbh. Survival tips? Because I'm sinking. Really, really sinking

I understand. I have a three year old and two older children. I often think although they were three years old too, they were never disrupting older siblings. It’s like I have to monitor what my three old does so he doesn’t annoy his siblings on top of the genera annoying ness of the age. Is he at nursery? I would consider spending time with your 8 year old without him. I do this with my three year old and he’s at nursery over the summer. He has a nice time there and we all have a nice time here. Then hopefully he’ll have grown out of it a bit.

OP, I could of written your post. And did the other day but didn’t get many replies.

I have a three year old and a five year old who are both like this. So I get the tantrums with constant fighting. I don’t really know how much longer I can hold on. My and DH relationship has gone down the pan. I think he’s totally checked out and hates being with the kids. He doesn’t really get involved unless he’s shouting at them. I love them to pieces but I hate parenting them 99% of the time.

You are not alone but I have no help, I’m sorry. Hopefully someone will be along with some magical tips. I do think the job of parenting difficult kids is made so much harder when the parents MH is in a poor state. I feel like I’m barely treading water most days.

Yes it's hard to compare to older DC isn't it? DD certainly has a different personality and I barely remember her ever having a single tantrum but then she us all to herself at that age so it's not really fair to compare.

Yes he's at nursery but just term time as it was cheaper that way. But in hindsight perhaps would have been better as I can see how time apart from him in the holidays would be good for DD though. I might see about changing the contract in time for the next school holidays.

Where is he happy and do you go out much for running around?

3.5 year old here and she needs to run around each day in the park or do something active or she gets cranky

We have had a number of phases with our 8 year old like that. She was diagnosed with some SEN a year ago though so at least now we have an explanation and strategies. In the short term, can you and DH tag team and spend a chunk of each weekend day with each DC separately? The age gap is problematic.

What does the 3 year old enjoy? Do more of that. My DD has always loved swimming so we prioritise that. My neighbour next door has a 3 year old who while cheerful, is an utter wrecking ball. He loves trains and buses though, so they ride around on them for hours.

If the 3 year old is still a real struggle in 6 months, maybe take him to a paediatrician. I had an inkling of DD's SEN all along but wasn't able to face it till it became obvious her behaviours weren't just 'being 3/4/5/6'.

@CastMeAdrift yes that's how I feel. Love them unconditionally but what I would give for some off where I don't have to parent. Our age gap is bigger but they still fight like cat and dog at times. He winds DD up and she doesn't seem to learn to just ignore him and take herself away from him. Feel we are becoming such a shouty family and I hate it. Like you, it's definitely effecting my mental health. Feel like I'm just clinging to the hope things will get better when he starts school but a year to go feels like a very long time.

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to contact the nursery and see if they have any availability, even for 1 or 2 days a week? They might due to other children only doing term time. Sounds like you all need a break and your DS might enjoy having the structure of a nursery day.

This is how I felt with DS at that age and he is an only child.

He did get a diagnosis of adhd and ASD at 6 though and the school he was at applied for what was then called a statement as he was behaviour was very difficult to manage at school , in fact it was worse than at home where we learnt to manage him reasonably well. I often felt ( and still do though) that DH and I night have spit up if we had had more than one child as the stress of meeting another child's needs would have been unbearable. I often comment to DH that it is lucky we don't have other children really as many of our successful strategies for managing DS would have negatively impacted them . So we'd have been faced with a choice of keeping them happy or Ds and it is difficult to imagine living happily with DS without the concessions we make to his needs.

I'm so sad that you're feeling so overwhelmed and miserable. My kids are adults now, and I admit I never experienced what you're going through with your son, but I can imagine how exhausting and soul destroying it is.

The reason I'm writing... A few years ago I came across an article about gluten sensitivity in children and the horrible affect it can have on their moods, causing tantrums, etc. These children aren't gluten intolerant, which would cause far more symptoms than just behavioural issues, they are simply overly sensitive to it. There is so much gluten in the foods we eat, especially anything processed, and that much gluten never used to be in our society's diet. I just had a look, and there is a tonne of info about this if you Google it.

Obviously, I have no idea if this issue could be impacting your child, but I thought I would mention it, because when you've tried everything you might as well consider something else.

I really hope you feel better soon.

Oh god... mine are older but Im massively struggling too. I have 9 year twins with ASD who are socially and emotionally about 4, and no interest in ANYTHING not screen based. If I force them off screens they refuse to do anything else, or if they do the arguing and fall out is massive and I can't cope with that either.. I'm desperate.

I spend a lot of time out of the house, tour different parks, walk by duck pond, go to forest etc etc. I’m lucky where I live there’s lots to do outside that’s cheap/free. I dread rainy days where there aren’t many options.
I stretch the trips out by including an ice lolly or some chips or a picnic. We don’t always go out all day but a couple of hours in the morning and another outing in the afternoon just breaks the day up and stops the tantrums and whining

I bet your nursery would be happy to have him for the extra fee. My daughter’s nursery have asked if we still want to send her through the holidays and given us a price list. If you think about it, they don’t get that money when he’s not there but they have to keep his place so they’ll be better off with him there.
Only staff holidays may affect this.

I have a nearly three year old who enjoys a good whinge, cry, tantrum. I try to split the day into time slots so I’ve only got to get through each slot before it’s time for something else. I take them out every morning to the park, soft play, farm, wherever so they’ve had a decent run. If you can exhaust him in the morning, he might nap for you to spend time with your daughter in the afternoon xx

Similar situation here. I keep the peace with too much screen time and snacks. Having our youngest has been a bigger challenge than I’d ever considered.

I've got a 3 and 5 year old and I totally empathise with you. It's fucking hard work most days and I've also got 2 young teens who sometimes don't get much time from me. I've developed a good routine and some good strategies that work for us though which minimises the stress on the household. I'll write them here just in case you can pick a few ideas that'll work for you.

Me and the young ones get up early and have breakfast/get dressed etc. I take them out for an energetic morning like soft play, a park combined with a walk to feed the ducks, a muddy puddle walk etc. Then in the afternoon we either have a chill out time doing something like arts and crafts or baking or just watching a movie.

I've stopped them having much sugar because that has a massive effect on the 4 year old, even a cupcake or ice lolly can send him wild!

When they start fighting and annoying each other I try my best to distract them with an activity or game. We've got a garden with a trampoline and bikes and scooters etc so I often let them play outside while I cook tea and put the washing on.

This year has been the first summer that I've paid for childcare for them both because I've seen it more as a priority so that I can do nice things with the teens. It's only 1 day per week because that's all I can afford but it's been so so good! I've also searched for free events in my area and there's lots on at the library and community events which have killed a couple of hours.

It's the whining that's absolutely done my head in though. Some days it's been all day and I feel like chopping my own ears off 😂

I have a 2 and 3 year old and it's constant. I nearly had a breakdown today too from it. It's just so frustrating

Definitely change the nursery to all year round, sounds like you all need a break !

My eldest was like that at three, it was so draining. My younger one is nearly 3 now and he is not the same at all. I think it's just a really tricky stage for some children.

As you say a nap resets him, do you think he's getting enough sleep at night? If he's chronically overtired it might be causing some of the difficult behaviour.

The only thing that works in my house is separating up into groups.
Sometimes I take the DC to give DH a break. Sometimes he takes them to give me one. Like alternating lie ins on a sat and sun or one of us take both DC to the park while the other one curls into the fetal position….
We also split up the DC regularly too. One on one time avoids all the fighting and also gives each DC attention without being too exhausting for us.

It’s a shame and not really how I envisaged parenting 2 children but for us it’s the only way to find a balance. Otherwise the fighting, shouting, the misery, well it’s pretty unbearable tbh.

My oldest school was a handful at three but more than so at four, but not really hard work, other dc!! Wow, if I had had second first, there would be no second.
Op I also proffer a hand, I had good tips on here, like breaking up the day, throwing money at it eg buy membership to places he likes, local farms or whatever, soft play, book more hours with nursery..

Some children are more challenging than others. I have many days like this with DT1; it destroys me to admit it, but I find her so much harder to deal with than her elder sister or her twin. She is just so emotionally volatile and such a drama queen. I'm in the process of coming to terms with the fact that she is just way harder to parent than the other two, and to not feel like a failure as a result. I feel really guilty thinking it. Just sending you moral support really, as I totally get it. Sorry I can't be more useful.

That sounds so tough and I can see how difficult it is for all of you.

I'm a real believer in "all behaviour is communication" and I'm wondering what is behind his "tantrums"? What you say about cuddling him until he fell asleep, exhausted, sounds to me as if they are different from typical toddler tantrums and more like a meltdown where everything is simply too overwhelming for him.

Try "being a detective" to see what might be triggering the tantrums/meltdowns.

Could he be reacting to his sensory environment- too hot, too cold, too bright, too noisy? Clothes too itchy or too tight? I know you've got building work going on, but can you find a quiet part of the house where he can escape to/encourage him to go if everything seems to be getting a bit too much? Does he have a trampoline or swing which can provide sensory input if he craves that?

Does he struggle with transitions from one activity to another? Try a very simple picture board with pictures of the daily activities- breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, play time, go to shops/park, lunchtime etc. You could also try a "now and next" board- now you are eating lunch, next you will go outside to play.

Use very simple verbal instructions. Instead of saying "we're going to go to the park in a minute, finish up your lunch, then go to the toilet and put your shoes on", break it down into stages.

If he does have a tantrum/meltdown, make sure he is safe, with nothing nearby that could topple over or hurt him, then try sitting quietly nearby. Try to stay calm and quiet. As you have found, giving cuddles might sometimes calm him.

All of these are strategies I have used with my daughter who is diagnosed with autism. She had meltdowns lasting 3 or 4 hours when she was your son's age.

I'm not saying that your son might be autistic, but give these strategies a go. They won't do any harm if he is not autistic, but they might help to improve things around the home.

Thank you so much for these replies. I am reading all your thoughts and thinking about things. But am too exhausted to make much sense atm. DS is still awake as that's the price we pay when he has a nap. Today has been a very long day.

Your not alone op. I often find my 4 year old draining to be around, nursery is a break for us. Some people are just more high maintenance aren't they therefore some kids just are. Mine constantly asks for stuff, she'll give me job after job, just demands all the time and then if you say no she acts like your the worlds worst person. I regularly do say no so I know it's not our parenting, more her personality but it can be draining. Chin up sounds like your doing a great job x

I always found 3 a very difficult age, and by 4 or 5, once communication is easier, they get better. A couple of things that helped:
As above, splitting the day into chunks. Getting out in the morning and again in the afternoon, even if just walking to the shop for one item. One of mine loved taking the car through the car wash, so I saved that for an “emergency” activity.
One on one time with each child. One day each week you separate them and do an activity with that child, then the following week you switch.
Paying for the youngest to attend nursery a couple of afternoons a week, even in the holidays.
It’s rough in the trenches, and I know the toll it can take on your mental health.

3 is a difficult age. I have felt like this many times. I have a similar age gap between my dc, didn't really have any issues with dc 1, but dc 2 was a different story! It can be relentless an d exhausting. I found things improved once they started school.