Our three year old is making us all miserable :(

[ThreenagerBlues]

Coming to the end of a week off of much awaited annual leave where once again, I come to realise I'm happier when I'm at work. It feels so horrible to say this but I just don't enjoy living with our three year old DS. His constant tantrums, nagging and whinging has reached a point where it is just so draining and exhausting. My mental health is falling through the floor. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a day where I felt happy . There might be parts of a day that are ok because we go out for a nice walk or he may have a couple of hours where he's at that optimum level of not being tired, bored, hungry etc. But the vast majority of the time, life just feels like one long endurance test both physically and mentally.

It's effecting my older DD too who is 8. She gets frustrated by his tantrums and the way he tends to bulldoze in and ruin anything she wants to do. She then ends up lashing out at him and gets told off too.

Mine and DH relationship is becoming non existent. It's like we are just surviving..both exhausted and stressed and sick to death of the daily grind of work, childcare plus some fairly major work we are having to do on our house which we can't put on hold as at the point of no return now and it's a mess. There's next to no downtime. We've not had a child free night since before DS was born. The grandparents won't have DS until he is less of a handful and tbh they aren't young and I would feel too worried that they were struggling with him.

Earlier today I was in tears yet again because after 5 hours of almost constant tantrums over every little thing I just couldn't take anymore. DH always shares the load but today busy doing building work which I don't want to delay as that's another aspect of our lives that is stressful right now and the sooner it's finished the better. I ended up cuddling DS both of us in tears until he eventually gave in and fell asleep as sometimes only a nap will help reset his mood. I found myself thinking how much happier we were as a family before we had him. How bloody awful is that . He was so wanted and I love him but I just feel so done with parenting. I don't even think I'm very good at it tbh because otherwise I wouldn't be hating it so much would I?
I don't really know what I'm asking here tbh. Survival tips? Because I'm sinking. Really, really sinking

I so empathise OP. I am a single parent to a 2.5 year old and a 5 year old. 5 year old is a fucking dream child, he is so wonderful to be with. I'm just in despair with my youngest- constant tantrumming, hitting, biting, he is very attached and needs to be near me ALL THE TIME. It is exhausting and relentless. I have to brace myself when he comes near me as he is physically very hard work- pushing, scratching. I think a lot of it is tiredness- he wakes at 5.30 and gave up his nap months ago, so it's such a long day for him. But I just dread the weekends when I have them both, when I get woken up I immediately feel a sinking feeling in my chest that I have to get through another day of this. The one saving grace is that the youngest continues nursery provision during the holidays, so I get to have some 1:1 time with my eldest. And then I feel so guilty for loving my time with him and thinking how easy life would be with only one.....

What is your son like at Nursery, if he is fine and behaves, then you know he can do it, and you need to work on why he is likes this at home.
Can you break his toys into sets. Bring different sets out so he can play on a focused item. Pack up when not interested and ask him what next. Drawing, painting get water pens, so no spills. Reading, cars, ect. So long as it is a nice day a water kitchen outside only needs a table plastic pots and a tiny bit of washing up liquid for bubbles with warm water in a bowl.

I sympathise as we have a full on 3yo and a 7yo. I found I had to work on my own mental health first, emergency call went out to grandparents to come and stay and help DP with the kids, then I just checked out l for the whole weekend. Went to see the GP and was prescribed sertraline which sorted out that terrible cycle where your body is on fight or flight. Bought a robot hoover to help with chores. Booked a few massages. All of this helped to give just enough bandwidth back to be able to play.

The other thing that helped massively was following the Imagination Tree website and setting up invitations to play for DS3. I'm amazed how well they have worked as DS3 is normally just smashing the place up. Once DS3 is settled I can spend some time with DS7.

I also tried to prioritise things I liked to do. So stuck DS3 on the back of my bike to make sure I get some exercise outdoors.

A PP mentioned a picture board, this really helped with my Ds when he was 3 and struggling. Do you think he was worse last week, as he wasn't in his normal routine and didn't know what to expect?

I think a picture board showing what is happening that day and in what order could really help. That way, if plans change, he can change the picture and have a bit of control and order.

DS is my 3rd child and I have really lowered my standards and ideologies, which has helped. I say yes to requests that don't really matter. If he wants a snack and it's nearly lunchtime, just start giving him his lunch.

A weighted blanket has helped DS to get to sleep a bit more easily and he now stays asleep in his bed all night. It took a couple of weeks to notice difference, it may be something to try.

Does DD offer an opinion on his triggers? She may be able to see it more clearly than you can. I remember telling my mum why Dsis2 was being a nightmare.

Lol reading this thread, no wonder 50% of teachers are gone within five years! 😂

What I always wonder is how do families with 4/5/6 kids manage? Do they just sort of share out responsibility to older siblings?

I’m going to check out the imagination tree website. Thank you for the recommendation. After my earlier post my five year old has had a huge tantrum and hurled everything everywhere. Didn’t punish though, just took the toys away and the tantrum has stopped, not escalated.

Still feel exhausted though 😔

I don't really see your point, Cam77 - 3 year olds aren't at school? Besides, children almost always behave better for teachers than parents - that's certainly my experience as a teacher of teenagers.

Just to add that strikingly different behaviour at school/nursery can be a sign of Autistic masking (it can be excellent routines at nursery/school helping too, plus some very outgoing, sociable children thrive with a lot of peers to bounce off).

@Phineyj

I don't really see your point, Cam77 - 3 year olds aren't at school? Besides, children almost always behave better for teachers than parents - that's certainly my experience as a teacher of teenagers.

Just to add that strikingly different behaviour at school/nursery can be a sign of Autistic masking (it can be excellent routines at nursery/school helping too, plus some very outgoing, sociable children thrive with a lot of peers to bounce off).

I’m assuming that Cam77 is meaning the general lack of control, children ruling the roost! Many on here would say their children are amazing at school even if they aren’t or maybe not as bad as at home. I think it’s important not to pin everything onto SEN, some children are badly behaved because their parents can’t or won’t discipline/have boundaries. I partly include myself in this, I have struggled with my youngest due to my own weak parenting at times.

I agree!! I much prefer to be at work then with my two under 3. Going to work is a break.

He may be picking up on all the negative feelings you have about him.

@user1493494961

He may be picking up on all the negative feelings you have about him.

This could be true and I guilty of this. I immediately would overact with my daughter and in my grad brought up the many things she’d done that day/the day before. I now try to deal with what happens properly, move on and deal with the next but try to not react as much because it’s ‘her again’

I'm not "pinning everything onto SEN" - I have a SEN child who was diagnosed at age 7. She obviously had the SEN at age 3 - we just didn't know. I don't think my and DH's parenting is any worse than that of our friends. In fact, we have been assured by a paediatrician and a parenting coach that it's not. Our DC is doing well in a mainstream school. A lot of DC with her diagnosis can't attend any kind of formal environment.

Support for parents of SEN kids in this country is patchy and expensive. Possibly 1 child in 20 has ADHD (ours has this as well as ASD).

It's not about us not being tough enough and in fact overly authoritarian parenting makes things much worse with anxious DC.

Sorry OP. It just drives me bonkers that these threads often degenerate into "you're not trying hard enough."

I thought there were some excellent suggestions on previous pages.

I understand. I have a 7yo and a just 3yo and the 3yo is hard work at the moment. He's the loveliest, sweetest boy and then suddenly he snaps and the tantrums can be awful. The way he treats DD is the worst thing - one second they're best friends and the next he's ruining what she's doing, or shouting in her face, or whatever. So I take him away and try to occupy him, at which point DD gets jealous and says I want to be with DS more than her. I can't win!

Makes no difference if we take him out or if we stay at home, or a mix of both. In fact, he's worse if we stay at home, but if we go out he can be awful when we get home (throwing, hitting, screaming). The idea of him having a nap is laughable. He's on the go 100% of the time, although he does sleep well.

I adore him but he's definitely my more difficult child (he was such an easy baby, whereas DD was awful until 18mo!). It's the unpredictability that gets me - he flips mood in a second.

Solidarity, OP

DS2 was so much hard work compared to DS1 and younger DD. Very what I would call ‘high maintenance’ on the go non stop, prone to tantrums and shouting, a bit disruptive, absolutely awful from 5pm to bed time.
He’s an older teen now but what helped when he was little was physical activity; so football, park, running, walking, literally tire him out and burn off all his energy, rain or shine. Miraculously he also liked cleaning.... he liked being given a task, so hovering, dusting, cleaning windows, ‘painting’ the floor outside with a brush and water. It is exhausting....

Three year olds are hard.
My eldest was an angel until the day he turned three and then bam! Threenager. Became difficult with almost everything.
My youngest arrived when my eldest was 3 1/2 and was difficult from day 1!
Then he turned three and got even worse. I am a sahp and sometimes felt like just running. No care as to where, just running.
Tantrums, fighting, screaming, vomiting.... Sigh.
He's 7 now and like a different child. He's still as stubborn as a goat, but as he has got older he's got so much nicer.
I can't offer anything but sympathy, op. Children have a way of drilling right through to your last nerve and then sandpapering it. I'm amazed we all survived really.

@Phineyj

I'm not "pinning everything onto SEN" - I have a SEN child who was diagnosed at age 7. She obviously had the SEN at age 3 - we just didn't know. I don't think my and DH's parenting is any worse than that of our friends. In fact, we have been assured by a paediatrician and a parenting coach that it's not. Our DC is doing well in a mainstream school. A lot of DC with her diagnosis can't attend any kind of formal environment.

Support for parents of SEN kids in this country is patchy and expensive. Possibly 1 child in 20 has ADHD (ours has this as well as ASD).

It's not about us not being tough enough and in fact overly authoritarian parenting makes things much worse with anxious DC.

Sorry OP. It just drives me bonkers that these threads often degenerate into "you're not trying hard enough."

I thought there were some excellent suggestions on previous pages.

If this was in response to me I’m not suggesting that parents of Sen children aren’t trying enough.however, there are many parents who will say ‘I think they have Sen’ when they don’t and the parents aren’t parenting. It’s an insult to those parents with children with Sen. In my job I see many parents who are scared to tackle their children’s behaviour. It is hard to hear but some parents need to go back to basics and get on top of behaviour, I’ve had my own struggles with This and It isn’t easy.

Op, if you think there is more to this then push for referrals, although I know this mogul be hard to get until he’s older.

@Cam77

What I always wonder is how do families with 4/5/6 kids manage? Do they just sort of share out responsibility to older siblings?

For me I think we just developed a thick skin to the whinging, kind of heard it all before, bigger and badder , same for the older siblings theyve heard it all before and just let the tantruming one get on with it! Plus here the 3 year old is usually already a middle child and can be distracted by a cuddle from the baby or sent to fetch a nappy or dummy.

Solidarity op - I have a very shouty and emotional almost 3yo and last weekend was tough. He has form for yelling at and pushing other kids in the playground or just losing it and wanting to go home so while I definitely agree with running them out, it can still be an ordeal. I started really saying no to him after last weekend and this week he’s been a lot better so it could be boundaries or just that we haven’t attempted much this week 🤷‍♀️
I’m considering an extra daycare day every now and then just to have a bit of a planning session as I think that will help.

I have a ds and a dd and I will tell you my dd is so much easier to look after. All the drama and child related stress comes from our ds. Love him to bits obviously!

My tips...

They need exercise from my experience...my dd could chill at home all day no problem, my ds would be climbing the walls. It was exhausting for me as I'd be out so much in all weathers...park every single day come rain or shine. No chilling at home days. Wear him out.

Praise ALL good behaviour. So let's say you are walking down the road and he's not tantruming, turn round and say "wow you're walking so nicely, it's so lovely spending today with you" literally everything.

If you want him to do something give him choices rather than commands. Don't say put your pyjamas on and brush your teeth. Say what would you like to do first, brush your teeth or put your PJs on?

If he wants to do something don't just say no...so for example, if it's bedtime and he wants to play a game...rather than saying no, say wow, what a great idea, shall we do that after breakfast tomorrow?!

Good luck

I think that the only way I got through it. 2, closer age gap, both got on and both ADHD (DD diagnosed now. DS going through assessment) was to pack a picnic and go out. Either to the park, to museums, Fetes, a lot of the time we got a Merlin pass/theme park membership and would spend the day there.
Dd was into trucks and diggers so if I knew of any road works I would take him to watch the road being dug up. Even just visiting your local shopping mall to look at the toys (our nearest John Lewis had a toy department where you could try out the bikes and cars
and play in the mini “house” then going for an ice cream.
Or just going to somewhere that they could run.
It takes a lot of initial effort to get out of the house but I think staying in would have produced more work.
Ds was like a wrecking ball who would empty a cupboard quicker than you could tidy it.

Millpond we have had three superb days, one when the whole road was dug up to do the gas mains and another when they came back to resurface it and draw the yellow lines. And an exceptional day with a Thames Water crew doing emergency repairs in the woods behind our house and saying rude words.

Certainly gives you a new perspective on utility works.

I'm not going to bang on about SEN but given how hard and expensive it is to get a diagnosis or any help (even to see a paediatrician, which would be quite normal in other developed countries), my inclination is to believe people when they say they're finding it tough rather than judge them.

Because it's equally possible that some parents are 'getting away with' weaker parenting skills as their children aren't all that challenging.

I must say the daily 2-4 hour awful battles over bedtime, half day weekend fights over homework and being regularly spat at, hit and kicked didn't do a whole lot for my and DH's parenting skills or marriage. Thank f*ck we only had the one!!

@SoftSheen

My experience of 3 year old children is they need LOTS of fresh air and excercise, every single day without fail and whatever the weather. Almost like puppies

^^Exactly this. Go out for several hours a day, to the woods, to the park, to any open green space. 3 year olds need to run around a lot, climb things, jump in water, bash things with sticks. Get good waterproof clothing (for both child and you), take drinks and snacks, and get outside. It makes all the difference.

Another vote for getting outside. I found it really helped my sanity as well as the kids. I had two very different children but both thrived being outdoors. Scooters were great when smaller for longer trips. It goes without saying that they loved a playground, but they also really liked to go and see sheep and watch for trains. They are still better getting out even now at 15 and 13!!

I must say the daily 2-4 hour awful battles over bedtime, half day weekend fights over homework and being regularly spat at, hit and kicked didn't do a whole lot for my and DH's parenting skills or marriage. Thank fck we only had the one*

I avoided that by not having a bedtime and doing their homework for them when they were in primary school
Both dd (now diagnosed) and Ds (about to be) have ADHD
I think sometimes you have to realise you are beating your head against a brick wall
When dd got to senior school she used to do her homework on the tube on the way home. I think she copied off her friend.