Our three year old is making us all miserable :(

[ThreenagerBlues]

Coming to the end of a week off of much awaited annual leave where once again, I come to realise I'm happier when I'm at work. It feels so horrible to say this but I just don't enjoy living with our three year old DS. His constant tantrums, nagging and whinging has reached a point where it is just so draining and exhausting. My mental health is falling through the floor. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a day where I felt happy . There might be parts of a day that are ok because we go out for a nice walk or he may have a couple of hours where he's at that optimum level of not being tired, bored, hungry etc. But the vast majority of the time, life just feels like one long endurance test both physically and mentally.

It's effecting my older DD too who is 8. She gets frustrated by his tantrums and the way he tends to bulldoze in and ruin anything she wants to do. She then ends up lashing out at him and gets told off too.

Mine and DH relationship is becoming non existent. It's like we are just surviving..both exhausted and stressed and sick to death of the daily grind of work, childcare plus some fairly major work we are having to do on our house which we can't put on hold as at the point of no return now and it's a mess. There's next to no downtime. We've not had a child free night since before DS was born. The grandparents won't have DS until he is less of a handful and tbh they aren't young and I would feel too worried that they were struggling with him.

Earlier today I was in tears yet again because after 5 hours of almost constant tantrums over every little thing I just couldn't take anymore. DH always shares the load but today busy doing building work which I don't want to delay as that's another aspect of our lives that is stressful right now and the sooner it's finished the better. I ended up cuddling DS both of us in tears until he eventually gave in and fell asleep as sometimes only a nap will help reset his mood. I found myself thinking how much happier we were as a family before we had him. How bloody awful is that . He was so wanted and I love him but I just feel so done with parenting. I don't even think I'm very good at it tbh because otherwise I wouldn't be hating it so much would I?
I don't really know what I'm asking here tbh. Survival tips? Because I'm sinking. Really, really sinking

What's he like are nursery? I wonder I'd the nursery have any tips they could share back with you to help manage him.

How's his speech and communication with others, OP?
How's his sleep/what's his sleep pattern like (including naps)?

What are the things that keep him calm/help you to keep the peace- even the so-called 'bad parenting/caving in' stuff you use out of desperation... the stuff that works for you, what are they (knowing this can help you find out what his stress triggers are)?

And if it's of any comfort... 3 was always waaay harder than 2 for me (with all of mine). Forget terrible twos. It was always 3 for me. I've sort of blanked it all.

Solidarity. I sympathise, as I have an almost 3 year old, and a just 1 year old. They take turns to make life difficult. They are lovely and I adore them both... and can be wonderful... but the whining and the tantrums do wear you don't don't they! I also feel like we are just barely surviving. Every day with the kids is a struggle to bedtime. Despite us both being teachers, we pay for them to go to nursery 3 days a week during the holidays just because we wouldn't survive otherwise. I don't know how we managed when nursery closed down during covid (though we only had 1 child then). We find transitions and mealtimes the worst. We spend a lot of time outside on trips as that seems to make life easier (though still exhausting) and we sometimes take one child each, or take turns to have them both.

Not at all helpful, but you're not alone.

Youngest was like this, and every day was pure hell.

There were no fixes, no stupid parenting books or techniques helped. It was just wall to wall tantrums. All day, every day. Hardly went out, struggled really badly, wanted to be anywhere but here. Siblings suffered.

But here we are and he's now 5. He's still difficult, but the days are vastly improved. There is light.

Buying a kindle fire helps keep him amused these days

Seriously though, this is the hardest time, and it's not you or your parenting. Some kids are that way.

My experience of 3 year old children is they need LOTS of fresh air and excercise, every single day without fail and whatever the weather. Almost like puppies.

3 year olds are dicks!

I could’ve written this..Dd just turned 3, but since spring just an absolute nightmare. Had family with us and never seen her this bad. She doesn’t fall asleep easily and if she misses naps for a couple of days, it can be up to a week of challenges. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, but just to say I’m with you and I keep repeating to myself that it’s a phase and will get better 🤷🏻‍♀️🙏

I’m rarely in the house with DS aged 2.5. Were isolating at the moment and the difference in his mood is noticeable. We’re taking it in shifts with him so we don’t lose our sanity!

My experience of 3 year old children is they need LOTS of fresh air and excercise, every single day without fail and whatever the weather. Almost like puppies

^^Exactly this. Go out for several hours a day, to the woods, to the park, to any open green space. 3 year olds need to run around a lot, climb things, jump in water, bash things with sticks. Get good waterproof clothing (for both child and you), take drinks and snacks, and get outside. It makes all the difference.

@SkepticalCat

That sounds so tough and I can see how difficult it is for all of you.

I'm a real believer in "all behaviour is communication" and I'm wondering what is behind his "tantrums"? What you say about cuddling him until he fell asleep, exhausted, sounds to me as if they are different from typical toddler tantrums and more like a meltdown where everything is simply too overwhelming for him.

Try "being a detective" to see what might be triggering the tantrums/meltdowns.

Could he be reacting to his sensory environment- too hot, too cold, too bright, too noisy? Clothes too itchy or too tight? I know you've got building work going on, but can you find a quiet part of the house where he can escape to/encourage him to go if everything seems to be getting a bit too much? Does he have a trampoline or swing which can provide sensory input if he craves that?

Does he struggle with transitions from one activity to another? Try a very simple picture board with pictures of the daily activities- breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed, play time, go to shops/park, lunchtime etc. You could also try a "now and next" board- now you are eating lunch, next you will go outside to play.

Use very simple verbal instructions. Instead of saying "we're going to go to the park in a minute, finish up your lunch, then go to the toilet and put your shoes on", break it down into stages.

If he does have a tantrum/meltdown, make sure he is safe, with nothing nearby that could topple over or hurt him, then try sitting quietly nearby. Try to stay calm and quiet. As you have found, giving cuddles might sometimes calm him.

All of these are strategies I have used with my daughter who is diagnosed with autism. She had meltdowns lasting 3 or 4 hours when she was your son's age.

I'm not saying that your son might be autistic, but give these strategies a go. They won't do any harm if he is not autistic, but they might help to improve things around the home.

This is really great advice. I was going to say similar. I would also massively recommend listening to Unruffled podcast by Janet Lansbury and reading the Whole Brain Child book. Understanding where their brain development is at and how they are unable to control their emotions or impulses is key. Love the detective metaphor. The solution to nearly all behavioural challenges is basically firm boundaries and tons of empathy. So they may be having a meltdown over something ridiculous and you will not give in to their demands but you will be massively sympathetic to the fact that it feels desperately awful for them and you will help them through their difficult feelings. I'm also tired so not explaining it very well but please please do read that book and start listening to Janet Lansbury. She really helps me reset. How we react to their behaviour totally affects how they then behave, it's a feedback loop. They need us to be calm in charge but also really kind. This can be so so hard but small changes can make a massive difference. I also have a challenging three year old and have felt this exact same depression about not enjoying being around him. But changing how I respond to him makes a huge difference. Good luck

Also this blog by Janet Lansbury summarising the key advice in her book is so great, I often re read it. I hope this could really help you www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/

I think keeping a diary of tantrum triggers is key: working out the source will help you gradually help him navigate that issue in a calm way.

If he goes in his room at 7:30pm for bedtime, and is in there until 7am, what would he do? Provide books and sensory cuddly toys etc, everything else is a daytime toy. Children have to learn how to manage downtime and self regulate, and one of the best ways is a set routine that he can expect and refer to on the wall. Keep the naps limited and regular.

It’s not always feasible or desirable to spend hours a day outside, especially when it’s your holidays and you have another child with her own needs/activity ideas. If you have a garden, make it secure, stick a live view camera up and provide toys he can use in view of the house. Not the end of the world if he gets wet or muddy, but it’ll allow him independence he probably wants but doesn’t know how to ask for while also burning energy.

I offer ‘this or that’ choices. ‘Bath now, or in five minutes?’ to build up decision making and thought processing. This gives the illusion of freedom while also achieving what you need to get done.

Also, fresh air and excercise needs to happen straight after breakfast ,up and out. It's the only way to ensure a calm afternoon IME.

Same here. Dh and my parents are crap and boundries and discipline fall to me. I hate the summer holidays! I work full time too.

Three year olds are full on and they seem
Even more full on compared to older kids or when you’ve got another kid.

Their needs are so much more simple and it’s easy to overwhelm = tantrums as they can’t explain themselves.

I remember a constant stream of snacks for mine, always have a buggy in case of naps/tiredness and having toys/books to hand.

The simplest things worked best - water play, messy play, going to the park, feeding ducks. Being outside all of the time. I know it’s hard balancing with an older one.

Kids can absolutely ruin family life - not even joking with that. There’s this odd thing that you can moan about babies as you are sleep deprived etc but once they hit 3-10 and are still more than capable of destroying days out,meal times, holidays etc. not much suppprt. We start analysing our parenting thinking where did we go wrong but actually - their brains are still forming, impulse control is out the window.
In your position and I’m a couple of years ahead with mine I would research local forest nursery schools. Keep that kid outside all day, ALL DAY and see if that helps. It certainly did for mine.

God, when DS was three he was such a little arsehole that I ended up with chronic insomnia and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Three year olds are hard. DS had a speech delay as well and as it turns out ASD. But even without that factor, they’re flipping hard work!

What worked for me was starting running, so I got both the endorphins and a guaranteed break three times a week. Starting to attend an outdoor toddler group, which kept him nicely busy. Making sure we did an activity out of the house every single morning. And preschool starting again in September. And although I dreaded the following summer holidays, it’s never been that hard again - not even homeschooling during lockdown (he’s now 5).

Solidarity, op [fistbump]

Sending hugs op. 3 to 4 was our hardest age by far with DC1 (DC2 is still under 2 and I know we have it all to come ).

Just to say it does get easier - which I know is no help to you now but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Echo what previous posters have said around keeping them out and busy all day, and also nursery if you can. Hope you can get some downtime.

It sounds hard especially if you are not getting any downtime but a fee things stand out..

How much good attention does your ds get. You are very negative about him here, is there a chance,however small, that the majority of the attention he gets is when he is a pain/naughty and so is being that way more because he wants the attention?

I found at that age treating each day as a clean slate helped, no carrying over frustrations from the previous day etc. Try to ignore as much of the irritating stuff as possible, deflect with a toy, a game etc. And be ott regarding the good behaviour as it may help.

As others have said tantrums are because they are frustrated/ over tired and don't have the emotional maturity or vocabulary to explain. Try to remember he is still very little.

Exercise and sleep were the biggest cures for dd at that age. She was and still is like the sodding energizer bunny and needs to be constantly on the go. She is 8 soon and it is draining and her meltdowns when over tired could put most toddlers to shame. But learning the cues for when a nap or down time is needed is a must. Mornings busy, park, play. Running off the energy and then a couple of hours downtime, colouring, film watching with snuggles did wonders if she wouldn't nap and then a chance to run off steam before bed

Stay strong op, it will end

Three year olds are hard work. Things that took me ages to work out with my youngest was that she was often hungry and, in particular thirsty. Also that I needed to be firmer even though I felt guilty but she could tell I did and played on it. A consequence for behaviour every time, it was hard but it made a difference. She was very strong willed (still is!) and needed me to much firmer

I often used to pop mine to play in the bath when they got too much. That killed a hour or so.

We never had the bed, bath routine though. It never soothed them as babies.

Love bomb him. Fake it till you make it. He’s probably picking up some of your negative energy and it has become a vicious circle.

@SkepticalCat has great advice.

3 things I found always kept my 3 year olds in good form
a) exercise. Like if they don't run at full speed for at least an hour a day they won't function right. So some form of fairly hardcore movement morning and afternoon. Trampoline is great.
b) power. I had to give them the power e.g. To choose clothes, to pour own milk on breakfast. But also helps to phrase things like they have power so instead of "put your shoes on now" it's "once you're ready to put shoes are on we can go to the park"
C) attention. They really need your attention. Even when you're busy. Explicitly define that time. After lunch you and I will do.....etc.

Hopefully something there is helpful. You can do this. It will get easier.

@ThreenagerBlues

Coming to the end of a week off of much awaited annual leave where once again, I come to realise I'm happier when I'm at work. It feels so horrible to say this but I just don't enjoy living with our three year old DS. His constant tantrums, nagging and whinging has reached a point where it is just so draining and exhausting. My mental health is falling through the floor. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a day where I felt happy . There might be parts of a day that are ok because we go out for a nice walk or he may have a couple of hours where he's at that optimum level of not being tired, bored, hungry etc. But the vast majority of the time, life just feels like one long endurance test both physically and mentally.

It's effecting my older DD too who is 8. She gets frustrated by his tantrums and the way he tends to bulldoze in and ruin anything she wants to do. She then ends up lashing out at him and gets told off too.

Mine and DH relationship is becoming non existent. It's like we are just surviving..both exhausted and stressed and sick to death of the daily grind of work, childcare plus some fairly major work we are having to do on our house which we can't put on hold as at the point of no return now and it's a mess. There's next to no downtime. We've not had a child free night since before DS was born. The grandparents won't have DS until he is less of a handful and tbh they aren't young and I would feel too worried that they were struggling with him.

Earlier today I was in tears yet again because after 5 hours of almost constant tantrums over every little thing I just couldn't take anymore. DH always shares the load but today busy doing building work which I don't want to delay as that's another aspect of our lives that is stressful right now and the sooner it's finished the better. I ended up cuddling DS both of us in tears until he eventually gave in and fell asleep as sometimes only a nap will help reset his mood. I found myself thinking how much happier we were as a family before we had him. How bloody awful is that . He was so wanted and I love him but I just feel so done with parenting. I don't even think I'm very good at it tbh because otherwise I wouldn't be hating it so much would I?
I don't really know what I'm asking here tbh. Survival tips? Because I'm sinking. Really, really sinking

Wow! I honestly went through such a similar situation as this. My three year old old was an absolute nightmare. Constant tantrums, aggressive behaviour, hitting, screaming, throwing the works!!! I can tell you at five he is so much better, not perfect, he still does those things sometimes but not as badly and not as often.

What worked for us was a parenting course. It really helped to discuss his behaviour with someone trained to advise. The key for us was routine and consistency and recognising triggers. We also don’t punish, we have consequences for behaviour where privileges are removed.

Time outs worked for my oldest child but was like pouring petrol on a fire with my youngest. It would turn a tantrum into a full on rage. On a positive note my five year old is now very obviously quite a bright child, which I think might have some baring on their personality. DC 1 was always very chilled and laid back whereas DC2 is switched on and extremely independent. So it’s recognising the personality and working with the child to make sure their not over stimulated and parenting in a way to limit the triggers that can kick off all the bad stuff.