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Original poster

How to answer 'so what do you do with yourself then?'

79 replies

moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 07:35

I am a 23 year old married woman.

I am a SAHM because my DC is disabled and I cannot work because of that fact. It isn't possible right now.

DH earns a very good salary so makes no sense for me to work part time and him part time. He wouldn't really get anything in his field for a start!

Anyway, I was asked at a little gathering yesterday, by an older man I've not met, 'So what do you do with yourself?' I felt a bit sad saying nothing, I loved my job before I had to give it up. So I said 'I'm a carer for a disabled child'. He said 'how much do you get paid for doing that then'. I said nothing, he's my son. He was then very Hmm and said 'so you're a SAHM then?' I said 'Yes' then left it at that

What should I say in future? It's rare I get out as a treat but I feel so sad knowing people think I can't be bothered

OP posts:
Ronsmood · 27/07/2021 07:39

He sounds rude, dismissive and ignorant. What you’re doing sounds very difficult and important don’t let him make you think otherwise.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/07/2021 07:39

You did fine and he was a dick.

TenThousandSpoons · 27/07/2021 07:40

I’d just say “I’ve got a ds”. Saying “carer for a disabled child” does make it sound like it’s your job not your family. I’m shocked he asked how much you get paid for that though - very rude.

Darkchocolateandcoffee · 27/07/2021 07:40

What a twat he sounds. I am sorry. You are doing a very bloody tough job - much harder than any office job, no question.

Hoohaahoo · 27/07/2021 07:40

I agree with Ronsmood

Say it with confidence, what you are doing is extremely valid.

DoingItMyself · 27/07/2021 07:41

Start writing. Tell everyone you're a writer. Fiction.

But I can't help feeling a) concerned for your future, you're in a vulnerable position as a sahm, and b) furious that anyone would think you weren't doing something worthwhile in caring for your child.

the80sweregreat · 27/07/2021 07:44

You should have given that twat a run down of your day , which I'm sure is much busier than anything he does, smiled politely and walked off. What a wanker.

Original poster
moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 07:44

@DoingItMyself

Start writing. Tell everyone you're a writer. Fiction.

But I can't help feeling a) concerned for your future, you're in a vulnerable position as a sahm, and b) furious that anyone would think you weren't doing something worthwhile in caring for your child.

Haha, writing. I suppose just anyone can write Grin

I'm also concerned for my future, but there is sweet F A I can do about it right now

I'm 23 and terrified about my pension. It is horrendous

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 27/07/2021 07:44

I would say currently I'm a carer for our disabled son then deflect to something else.

Original poster
moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 07:54

@MyOtherProfile

I would say currently I'm a carer for our disabled son then deflect to something else.
Thank you

I just have trouble deflecting sometimes! I often get called out for being random when I change the subject

OP posts:
LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 27/07/2021 07:55

@MyOtherProfile

I would say currently I'm a carer for our disabled son then deflect to something else.
I agree, he was probably surprised by the deflection and wondered why you didn't just say that in the first place? Why did you think he would judge? Not everyone is horrible, most people arent bothered if you are a stay at home mum, often they might just be interested in you. It's a little bit insulting to the person your talking to to treat them as if they are going to be nasty. Hate this attitude on Mumsnet that everyone's out to get you. Most people are nice and have good intentions and when you treat them like that - guess what? They act nice too. I'm a single mum and have had a bit of sniffiness at my situation (I caused it, I'm sponging form the state etc etc) not to mention what I read online. However I know that most people are just curious, or interested and I'm happy to talk about things. Most of my interactions end up going well.
PickAChew · 27/07/2021 08:02

Three chocolate coins and a handful of fluff. And you?

Dyrne · 27/07/2021 08:03

I agree that you’re overthinking this - it doesn’t sound like he was judging you, you’d worded your response strangely so he was clarifying. Next time say “I care for my disabled son” rather than “disabled child”.

Bit weird of him to ask how much you were getting paid, I can only think it must have been an opening to chat about how disgracefully little carers get paid as it’s not really the done thing to talk about salary - I work full time I’d definitely deflect if someone asked me how much I get paid!!

PickAChew · 27/07/2021 08:04

And he was rude. OP didn't just assume he was going to be rude.

LostThings · 27/07/2021 08:05

What type of person asks "how much do you earn for doing that then?" He sounds very rude. You don't need to say anything different. I know I will sound patronising but I think you are doing one of the most worthwhile jobs there is, hats off to you.

TheGenealogist · 27/07/2021 08:05

Saying you're a carer for A disabled child makes it sound like a job. A carer for MY/OUR disabled child is a different matter.

And yes anyone can write. Not everyone can write well, and only a small % of those get paid for it.

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2021 08:06

Just say I care for our son, there’s no need to give further detail, you don’t need to justify yourself.

NoSquirrels · 27/07/2021 08:06

The bloke was a rude git, your answer was fine!

If you’re worried about pension can you make it a line in the family budget to pay into one for you, even a little? You’ve got ages for it to grow so even a small amount into a stakeholder is a great idea.

MissTrip82 · 27/07/2021 08:08

Honestly you could ask the same of many people who work in an office.

I have always worked but I find the idea that work is always interesting and fulfilling rather stupid.

BlueLobelia · 27/07/2021 08:08

Bloke was rude.

But you do not have to justify yourself to anyone.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/07/2021 08:09

That man was rude and intrusive. What you are doing is absolutely fine and probably the most practical solution for your family, especially if your DH works long or irregular hours or travels.

Whether or not you have time to work, write or anything else obviously depends on your DSs needs and to a lesser extent your DHs hours. Try to carve out some time for you, even if it's just running, walking etc a couple of times a week while your DH is at home to care for DS. You shouldn't be parenting alone, he needs to have sole care at least some of the time.

Is there any chance you can do your previous job on a very part time consultancy basis or even just one evening a week while DH is at home or whatever, to keep your hand in? Or you might prefer to play the long game and look at it that, when your DS is an adult, you'll only be 40 and could still have nearly 30 years then to work before retirement age.

On the matter of your pension, you can put in about £2800 per year even if you have no income, and this should be done if at all possible and regarded as an essential household expense out of your joint income.

BlueLobelia · 27/07/2021 08:12

@MissTrip82

Honestly you could ask the same of many people who work in an office.

I have always worked but I find the idea that work is always interesting and fulfilling rather stupid.

Oh yes and this. I fucking hate my job and it is a job that is seen as being socially acceptable (mainly because people think it is better paid than it is), so people tend to think 'better' of me than when i had my previous job. which is madness.

In terms of pension, I agree about putting a little bit away and watching it grow. We started putting £5 a week per Dc when they were botn and now aged 12 and 10 they have more cash in their bank accounts than we do! It's honestly unbelievable how just little bits saved add up.

Sheepareawesome · 27/07/2021 08:12

Anyone who words the question like that is being rude anyway, so I would probably answer with something like 'I spend my days doing a lot of none of your business' or 'I work in a never you mind'. Or you could just stare, tilt your head and ask 'Why do you want to know?'

When people ask what I do on my day off (actually a non working day but there you go) I usually say 'I have a lot of sitting down to catch up on' and smile.

Shurl · 27/07/2021 08:15

I don't think he was rude and intrusive. "What do you do with yourself?" Is a way of asking of you work and what you do, whilst no offending if you don't work. But it's also a wide enough question you can deflect to talk about practically any interest you have.

You did have a slightly odd formal answer. And him sking about pay was rude.

Crowsaregreat · 27/07/2021 08:16

He was a hamfisted old dinosaur trying to see if you were worth networking. In fact he probably only knows how to network by comparing jobs and salaries, but is unable to have a straightforward discussion with another human because he's a crusty old fart who is scared of feelings.

But next time, say 'this and that, how about you?'

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