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Original poster

How to answer 'so what do you do with yourself then?'

79 replies

moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 07:35

I am a 23 year old married woman.

I am a SAHM because my DC is disabled and I cannot work because of that fact. It isn't possible right now.

DH earns a very good salary so makes no sense for me to work part time and him part time. He wouldn't really get anything in his field for a start!

Anyway, I was asked at a little gathering yesterday, by an older man I've not met, 'So what do you do with yourself?' I felt a bit sad saying nothing, I loved my job before I had to give it up. So I said 'I'm a carer for a disabled child'. He said 'how much do you get paid for doing that then'. I said nothing, he's my son. He was then very Hmm and said 'so you're a SAHM then?' I said 'Yes' then left it at that

What should I say in future? It's rare I get out as a treat but I feel so sad knowing people think I can't be bothered

OP posts:
BlueCowWonders · 27/07/2021 08:17

After a brief answer you could have asked him exactly the same question...

godmum56 · 27/07/2021 08:17

I think "what do you do with yourself" is rude and patronising regardless of who it is said to. Being a loving parent for any child is one of the most important jobs there is and its so much harder when the child has disabilities. I think your answer was fine and its something that you should be proud of but when faced with a patronising git like that, I'd be inclined to go po faced and say. "I can't talk about my job, excuse me" and them walk away.

Original poster
moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 08:23

@BlueCowWonders

After a brief answer you could have asked him exactly the same question...
We all know what he does. Because he tells us all about it a lot (I've only met him once and now know the name of his PA)
OP posts:
Original poster
moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 08:24

If you’re worried about pension can you make it a line in the family budget to pay into one for you, even a little? You’ve got ages for it to grow so even a small amount into a stakeholder is a great idea.

I put money into a lifetime ISA. I had a look around and that's the best I can see

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/07/2021 08:25

LISA is great but doesn’t give the same tax relief as a pension. Ideally you’d have both but good you’re saving anyway. How is your DH’s pension?

Original poster
moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 08:25

I agree, he was probably surprised by the deflection and wondered why you didn't just say that in the first place?
Why did you think he would judge? Not everyone is horrible, most people arent bothered if you are a stay at home mum,often they mightjust be interested in you.
It's a little bit insulting to the person your talking to to treat them as if they are going to be nasty.
Hate this attitude on Mumsnet that everyone's out to get you. Most people are nice and have good intentions and when you treat them like that - guess what? They act nice too.
I'm a single mum and have had a bit of sniffiness at my situation (I caused it, I'm sponging form the state etc etc) not to mention what I read online. However I know that most people are just curious, or interested and I'm happy to talk about things. Most of my interactions end up going well.

Being a stay at home mum to usual children is a very different job. I wouldn't do it!

OP posts:
LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 27/07/2021 08:33

"What do you do with yourself" just sounds like he was trying to make conversation - doesn't that actually then open up more answers than paid work?
It's quite horrible to just jump to conclusions otherwise.
Sometimes people are just clumsy in their conversations or can be a bit awkward - it doesn't mean they are deliberately trying to be rude.

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 27/07/2021 08:37

"Being a stay at home mum to usual children is a very different job. I wouldn't do it!"
I'm really sorry but I've not implied different - can you tell me why you commented that?
Or was this a reply to a different comment?

Original poster
moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 08:46

@LonstantonSpiceMuseum Because, off the top of my head, you said your own situations was that you're a SAHM? And that some people have been rude but most are nice about it?

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 27/07/2021 08:51

What a bloody awful man.Angry
Of course you were taken unawares by his attitude and rudeness - the 'problem' isn't what you do, it's that our society judges by monetary value, and caring for dependents (especially by mothers) isn't valued in those terms as it should be.

If you should be unfortunate enough to have to continue the conversation, perhaps you should Hmmback at him about being the type of person who understands the price of everything but the value of nothing.

Goodtohear · 27/07/2021 08:53

I've had this for years people like him are not worth worrying about. You have the most important job in the world right now. Try shutting down and deflecting.
Re your finances do you claim dla and carers allowance? You need to be claiming something that will count towards your ni contributions. These benefits may also help with getting other support (such as family fund).
I'd also be asking for your husband to pay into a private pension for you as he can only do his job because of you.
Maybe if you miss your job /adult company some volunteering or a course or some me time would help you. You could use the dla money to pay a carer or arrange to do something on dh day off. You so quickly loose your self worth as a carer. Flowers

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 27/07/2021 08:56

I'm not a stay at home mum - I work. When I have had the (thankfully rare comment) other than assumptions it's about the fact my daughter barely sees me, I'm not the one bringing her up etc.
Which of course hits hard because it's true and I don't feel happy about it either.

I was a carer as a teenager to a parent who then died. It was harder than looking after a healthy neuro typical baby! It is genuinely all consuming and you can't do any normal things anymore. Kudos to you too

dottiedodah · 27/07/2021 08:56

I think many people (esp men) seem to imagine we are all having a jolly time at home ,because we "dont work" How much harder you work with a disabled child doesnt seem to enter their heads! I would just say that you look after your child who is disabled and this takes up most of your time! He probably has a wife who does everything at home !

SnowAndIcicles · 27/07/2021 08:56

"Being a stay at home mum to usual children is a very different job. I wouldn't do it!"

Why wouldn't you do it?

YouthfulIndiscretion · 27/07/2021 09:00

I think “what do you do with yourself?” is a fair enough question because it doesn’t restrict the answer to paid employment. And yes if you’d given me that answer then I’d have assumed you did it as a job and then been flustered when you corrected me. No big deal, just a tiny moment of social awkwardness.

PlasticOldBag · 27/07/2021 09:03

When I was a SAHM I used to get this question. If I felt it was a dig I did the following.

"So, what do you do all day?"

Reply:

"Oh, you know, sit around on the sofa, paint my nails, kick back with a bit of Oprah or call all my friends up."

I used to say this with a straight face and always, always got a blank confused look from the person.

I don't need to explain myself to anyone, except my DC and my DH. It is no ones business what we do and I don't care what they think.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2021 09:03

I just say "im at home with DS at the moment as he's a bit complicated" and then talk about something else. Sometimes people will then ask 101 questions about him, but im actually fine with that. You can obv deflect again of you dont want to

CakeandGo · 27/07/2021 09:03

What should I say in future?
MYOB!!!

Ok, well you don’t have to be so blunt but there’s no shame in being at home to care for a disabled child.

I’m a SAHP due to losing my business during covid and not being in a position to re-start yet.

The number of times I’ve been asked ‘what do you do all day?’. Hello?! I have a toddler who does 3hrs a day. With pick up and drop off I have a massive 2 hours. There’s a hundred things I cram into that time. Why do I need to list them for you?

I usually say something vague like ‘There’s always plenty of washing to be done’ but it really annoys me!

Hold your head up OP. What you do is a worthwhile and difficult ‘job’ by most people’s standards.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 27/07/2021 09:07

It's a little bit insulting to the person your talking to to treat them as if they are going to be nasty.
Hate this attitude on Mumsnet that everyone's out to get you. Most people are nice and have good intentions and when you treat them like that - guess what? They act nice too.
What’s the nicety or good intentions about asking someone how much they make for 24/7 of their disabled child.
Here’s a hit, there isn’t any.
Fuck sake people are utterly dim.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 27/07/2021 09:07

24/7 care*

ErrolTheDragon · 27/07/2021 09:16

What’s the nicety or good intentions about asking someone how much they make for 24/7 of their disabled child.

None. It was the sneering and dismissive attitude in response which belies the bad intent. Which the op didn't expect and was understandably taken aback by.

GalaxyGirl24 · 27/07/2021 09:25

He sounds like a knob head with no idea how hard it is being a SAHM! Don't let him get to you. Can't believe how rude he sounds!!!!!

Also re your pension, please make sure you get money diverted from family budget to pay into one! If DH says 'yes but I will have mine and we will be together forever' please direct him to the many threads on Relationships that give a big reality shock about how hard it is for women who stay at home with the kids financially if something were to happen to him. Protect yourself OP.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 27/07/2021 09:26

Patronising twat. I saw something that said something like “people who ask what you do are doing so in order to decide how they will treat you”. Why should childcare be denigrated? It’s essential. And the main thing is it’s currently the best and only option you have.

BertiesShoes · 27/07/2021 09:28

In terms of finances, make sure that you claim Child Benefit even if your DH earns above 50k, as it will ensure your NI contributions continue. You can claim it but not actually be paid it.

A LISA gets 25% added by the Govt, so similar to a pension which gets 20% tax relief, but you can also save into a pension and/or normal ISA, something to think about in future even if not feasible now.

A normal ISA doesn’t get tax relief but is flexible in terms of when you access the money.

In terms of the rude comment, just say you look after your disabled child. Anyone who doesn’t understand that is hard work, is not worth speaking to.

Marimaur · 27/07/2021 09:33

Umm..Who tf asks how much someone earns?!
This man is the problem, not you.

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