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Original poster

How to answer 'so what do you do with yourself then?'

79 replies

moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 07:35

I am a 23 year old married woman.

I am a SAHM because my DC is disabled and I cannot work because of that fact. It isn't possible right now.

DH earns a very good salary so makes no sense for me to work part time and him part time. He wouldn't really get anything in his field for a start!

Anyway, I was asked at a little gathering yesterday, by an older man I've not met, 'So what do you do with yourself?' I felt a bit sad saying nothing, I loved my job before I had to give it up. So I said 'I'm a carer for a disabled child'. He said 'how much do you get paid for doing that then'. I said nothing, he's my son. He was then very Hmm and said 'so you're a SAHM then?' I said 'Yes' then left it at that

What should I say in future? It's rare I get out as a treat but I feel so sad knowing people think I can't be bothered

OP posts:
KurtWilde · 27/07/2021 09:35

You don't need to justify your existence to random strangers. And there's no shame in being a SAHM.

Oh and if you tell people you're a writer (I AM a writer and I get paid for it) then it just opens up another line of interrogation. Stick with saying I'm a SAHM, because there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and 'none of your business' if they get nosey about other details.

Oldraver · 27/07/2021 09:37

It's a kind of rude question put that way so I would say "as little as possible"

Ragwort · 27/07/2021 09:41

He was utterly rude, what sort of person asks 'how much do you earn' about any sort of job.
What context did you meet this person, is he a friend, relative? Who cares what his opinion is of you.
I was a SAHM for 12 years (to an only DC who was at school most of the time of course Grin), I have never been asked "what do you do all day?" but I think if you are happy and confident in your choice of lifestyle you are less likely to attract twats who ask intrusive questions.

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 27/07/2021 09:42

@SmallPrawnEnergy

*It's a little bit insulting to the person your talking to to treat them as if they are going to be nasty. Hate this attitude on Mumsnet that everyone's out to get you. Most people are nice and have good intentions and when you treat them like that - guess what? They act nice too.* What’s the nicety or good intentions about asking someone how much they make for 24/7 of their disabled child. Here’s a hit, there isn’t any. Fuck sake people are utterly dim.
They probably just thought, by the way that she replried that it was a job. It sounds like a mistake, then got awkward as another op put it.or as someone else put it, maybe open up a conversation about how little carers get paid
SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2021 10:16

What’s the nicety or good intentions about asking someone how much they make for 24/7 of their disabled child
Except OP answered in such a way that it sounded like she was a paid carer for someone else's child lest he think her just a SAHM

Being a stay at home mum to usual children is a very different job. I wouldn't do it!

OP if you want to give a straight answer say you're a carer for your son as he has additional needs. If he digs further say you'd rather not go into it thanks. There's no shame in being a SAHM whether your a carer or just choosing not to work.

Freshprincess · 27/07/2021 10:31

I’m not sure I would assume that you were talking about your son when you said ‘I care for a disabled child’, especially if I was asking you about your job which it sounds like he was.

The conversation took an awkward turn with the salary question and that is quite rude, but you don’t need to feel sad of defensive of your role.

caughtinanet · 27/07/2021 10:39

I'm actually pretty impressed that an older man knows the phrase stay at home mum, I'm surprised he didn't call you a housewife Grin

Ive always worked but if I thought someone was being rude it wouldn't bother me I'd just say I drink tea and watch TV all day. I don't care about the opinions of random strangers

Gothichouse40 · 27/07/2021 10:42

Oh, an older man making stupid, ignorant comments. No surprise there- ignore and forget. Sadly there's a lot of them around, ignorant and entitled with an opinion on everything and everybody. Met a lot of them in my working life.

DoingItMyself · 27/07/2021 10:55

Haha, writing. I suppose just anyone can write

Grin You don't have to say you're good... just tell them you're putting your all into it and it doesn't leave you time for much else!

Aposterhasnoname · 27/07/2021 11:09

Who the fuck asks how much people get paid. I’d have told to him that was none of his business and left it at that.

toocold54 · 27/07/2021 11:27

I actually think he was just trying to make conversation and then you implied you work with disabled children so he was confused when you said it was your child.

In future I would just say you’re a SAHP there’s nothing wrong with that.
I often ask people what they do (as I’m not good at small talk) and if they said they were a SAHP I wouldn’t think twice about it and use that as an excuse to ask how many children you have, how old they are etc.

iklboo · 27/07/2021 11:28

I'm with @Aposterhasnoname - who the hell asks a complete stranger how much they get paid in an opening small talk conversation?

headintheproverbial · 27/07/2021 13:55

Wasn't he just meaning 'what do you do'? Ie what's your job.

So isn't the answer just 'I'm a stay at home mum' (and if you want mention your child has a disability?).

MarshmallowSwede · 27/07/2021 14:02

Just keep saying SAHM. There is nothing shameful about caring for your child and home.

I hate that there is such a huge stigma and that people feel like it’s not valuable work.

I don’t know how we have ended up in a point where women are shamed for being mothers, and are shamed for choosing to stay home with their child.

RoseGoldEagle · 27/07/2021 14:20

That man was incredibly rude. It’s honestly not worth a second of your time thinking about his opinion. Most people appreciate that SAHMs have a difficult job even without having a child that’s disabled, so no one in their right mind would ever think you’re ‘doing nothing’. Hope you’re ok.

LimitIsUp · 27/07/2021 14:25

I always lie and say I work from home doing a bit of admin and audio typing for my dh's business. It sounds so boring it shuts down further discussion, and seems to satisfy the enquirer

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 27/07/2021 14:41

I don't like answering questions like that from strangers. I've said "not a lot" when asked what I do in the past. People are nosey.

Cornettoninja · 27/07/2021 14:57

I don’t think there was anything wrong with what you said but tbh talking about work (mine or anyone else’s) is boring af unless people do something uniquely interesting.

I would work on a line to bring the conversation onto something else e.g. I’m a sahm to my disabled son but spend my free time /I have been following .

If I’m being charitable to the guy you met I’d say he was just socially boring and didn’t know what else to talk about.

Polkadots2021 · 27/07/2021 15:28

@moneyistheroute

I am a 23 year old married woman.

I am a SAHM because my DC is disabled and I cannot work because of that fact. It isn't possible right now.

DH earns a very good salary so makes no sense for me to work part time and him part time. He wouldn't really get anything in his field for a start!

Anyway, I was asked at a little gathering yesterday, by an older man I've not met, 'So what do you do with yourself?' I felt a bit sad saying nothing, I loved my job before I had to give it up. So I said 'I'm a carer for a disabled child'. He said 'how much do you get paid for doing that then'. I said nothing, he's my son. He was then very Hmm and said 'so you're a SAHM then?' I said 'Yes' then left it at that

What should I say in future? It's rare I get out as a treat but I feel so sad knowing people think I can't be bothered

Jeez, what a rude man. OP don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed to say what you do.
Wroxie · 27/07/2021 15:43

So my kids are long grown and I always worked, but to me my job was and is the least interesting thing about me. So when people ask what I do I usually say something like "I'm in (complicated and possibly outing tech consulting thing) but that's just for money. What I really love is (music, hiking, knitting, some semi-obscure latin dance subculture I've recently become obsessed with, whatever is interesting to me and seems like the person I'm talking to might connect with), what about you?"
And sometimes what they love is also what they do for money, sometimes not, but it makes for more interesting conversations and also opens up the conversation to people who can't work or don't work for whatever reason. Our jobs aren't who we are, or at least they don't have to be. Don't be afraid to open up the conversation and get people to talk about what they really care about and get beyond mindless trivialities.

(or you could just do what a previous poster has suggested and shut people down rudely for even trying to start a conversation, and that's your choice, but it's going to make for a pretty boring social life 😹)

Original poster
moneyistheroute · 27/07/2021 16:30

or you could just do what a previous poster has suggested and shut people down rudely for even trying to start a conversation, and that's your choice, but it's going to make for a pretty boring social life 😹)

Haha. I get out maybe 3 times a year. I am broken. No sleep, DH no sleep. No social life to speak of Grin

OP posts:
user16395699 · 27/07/2021 19:11

DH earns a very good salary so makes no sense for me to work part time and him part time.

Except as you've stated yourself there are actually a number of important reasons why it does make perfect sense for you to keep working, such as your pension.

What you're actually saying is that your needs are not being valued in this equation but your husband's are valued. Because if the same value was placed on your needs as the value you place on your husband's then the conclusion would that it is important for you to work too. (How much older is he?)

Your reaction to that man was odd and defensive before you had any reason to be defensive. You claim other people are judging you (based on mind reading?) but then judge this man for having a normal reaction to your deliberately misleading statement.

The judgement you're projecting onto other people's thoughts comes from within you. You clearly know that this situation does not make sense and is not right for you, and that's why you're so defensive and assuming everybody else is thinking the same.

Your financial security and future are just as valuable and important as you husband's. Rework your equation. But this time actually valuing yourself equally.

Moonface123 · 27/07/2021 19:26

Since when did being a SAHM become a criminal offence?
Honestly this mentality drives me insane.
What a sad state of affairs when a parent feels ashamed for not rushing back to work.
Society has conditioned us to work until we literally drop dead, and no one questions it. Very sad.

ahoyshipmates · 27/07/2021 19:33

Asking how much you earn is bloody rude.

If anyone ever asks you, just say "I beg your pardon?". If they ask again, ask them why they want to know.

veeeeh · 27/07/2021 19:36

Did this man volunteer to reveal his own job and salary?

In answer I would say "I do the most valuable job in the world, and what do you do?" If he pesters you for an answer say, "no... you go first and tell me all about yourself".

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