How to answer 'so what do you do with yourself then?'

[moneyistheroute]

I am a 23 year old married woman.

I am a SAHM because my DC is disabled and I cannot work because of that fact. It isn't possible right now.

DH earns a very good salary so makes no sense for me to work part time and him part time. He wouldn't really get anything in his field for a start!

Anyway, I was asked at a little gathering yesterday, by an older man I've not met, 'So what do you do with yourself?' I felt a bit sad saying nothing, I loved my job before I had to give it up. So I said 'I'm a carer for a disabled child'. He said 'how much do you get paid for doing that then'. I said nothing, he's my son. He was then very and said 'so you're a SAHM then?' I said 'Yes' then left it at that

What should I say in future? It's rare I get out as a treat but I feel so sad knowing people think I can't be bothered

@user16395699

DH earns a very good salary so makes no sense for me to work part time and him part time.

Except as you've stated yourself there are actually a number of important reasons why it does make perfect sense for you to keep working, such as your pension.

What you're actually saying is that your needs are not being valued in this equation but your husband's are valued. Because if the same value was placed on your needs as the value you place on your husband's then the conclusion would that it is important for you to work too. (How much older is he?)

Your reaction to that man was odd and defensive before you had any reason to be defensive. You claim other people are judging you (based on mind reading?) but then judge this man for having a normal reaction to your deliberately misleading statement.

The judgement you're projecting onto other people's thoughts comes from within you. You clearly know that this situation does not make sense and is not right for you, and that's why you're so defensive and assuming everybody else is thinking the same.

Your financial security and future are just as valuable and important as you husband's. Rework your equation. But this time actually valuing yourself equally.

Sorry, but no - It doesn't make any financial sense for me to work PT and him PT.

We both can't work. It doesn't work logistically. Who are you to come on and say otherwise? I know the calculations.

If for example I did choose to go it alone and work PT, ha, I'd be poor and miserable to boot.

We both survive on less than 4 hours sleep a night. Our son isn't safe to be left for even 2 minutes. We are exhausted, physically, mentally.

Working just isn't an option whilst I'm caring for a disabled child.

It makes perfect sense for H to go to work FT because 1. He earns very well 2. Money goes into my own pot (as I've already spoken about) and 3. He wouldn't cut down to PT even if he could. Wouldn't happen.

He does a bloody lot for DS. Often gets up with him before travelling into work. He is my rock. I'm his.

This bloke at the gathering was obviously very judge. And who the fuck asks how much money 'you make from that then'

@Moonface123

Since when did being a SAHM become a criminal offence? Honestly this mentality drives me insane. What a sad state of affairs when a parent feels ashamed for not rushing back to work. Society has conditioned us to work until we literally drop dead, and no one questions it. Very sad.

I agree. It's a sad fact that women need to watch out for themselves so as not to get caught out in poverty if their relationship ends but other than that - working doesn't make you a better or more moral person. There are more than enough people to work, if you are happier as a SAHM or even not working if you don't have kids, or working just enough to get by, that's great. Some of the most wonderful people I know don't work, or barely work - they are creative and resourceful and it's peaceful to be without them. I am trying to work less and worry less about stacking up money and just to slow down a little. It's hard but I can feel it making me happier.

*peaceful to be WITH them lol

Except as you've stated yourself there are actually a number of important reasons why it does make perfect sense for you to keep working, such as your pension.

Let's say DH stuffed the well paid job and we both took something not well paid but flexible, key word there flexible, that's part time

We would rather hang I think. We can't work opposite shifts. We can never ever get emergency childcare. Doesn't happen. We can't use a breakfast club, after school club, favours and return favours, etc etc

Say we tagged it. He worked days. I worked nights. Or he worked afternoon, I worked mornings. Do you know the level of exhaustion just from keeping a child like ours safe and well?