If you had a baby later in life, do you regret it?

[Proseccohashaditsday]

Hi,

So I don't mean regret having the baby necessarily, just the timing.

I already have a 14 year old and would be late 30's, before hopefully being successful with my second, so dc likely to be 16 plus, so it would also be interesting to hear from those with large age gap dc. How does that work? What kind of relationship do they gave?

I don't know whether to just enjoy our freedoms earlier in life or to listen to my heart/ovaries and increase our family before it really is too late.

We're finally at a financially stable point in our lives, so once dc flies the nest, we could either enjoy all that just the two of us - i.e, not being tied by school catchment areas, school holidays etc and easily be able to help out our current dc at uni, house deposit etc.......

Or we could start again, go through those crazy, noisy, but equally wonderful, little dc days, which I miss terribly. More than fancy holidays and lie ins.....I think

Be good to hear your experiences.

Thank you

I would say do it if you want as you are more likely to regret what you don’t do than what you don’t. I had my first baby at 39 and it was fine - no age related problems. Hopefully planning my next one around 41/42.

@Ozanj, do you feel like the 'older mum' where you are? I know it varies so much from area to area. Good luck with trying for your next baby btw

I had my last baby at 34 and whilst I don’t regret it and it’s lovely it is much harder then when I did it at 25. I’m just so more tired and achy. Also, it’s hard watching your friends with older children getting freedom’s back and doing fun things with their children that it’s difficult to take a baby to.
But it’s doable and I would do it all again if I had to. I just underestimated how much “older” I would feel doing it a few years later

I’m in the same situation as the pp. I only regret it in that I wish I’d met my partner sooner so I could afford to try and wait longer before trying again for a second baby. I don’t feel noticeably older but wish I’d have more of my life left to spend with my child (sorry to bd morbid!). Sound like you should go for it though!

Cross post- had my first at 39.

I think I would be 100% on board if it was my first but I'm honestly not sure I could convince myself to start from the very beginning when I was so close to having freedom and so used to having an older teen who was mostly self sufficient.

Had mine at 39, 40 and 43. Very tired and achy! But it's fab and I'm so lucky.

I should add. I’m probably more tired as I have 3 children now, I think I would feel different if it was my first or I only had one child. Don’t underestimate the leap from 1-2 or more children it isn’t like having 1 child at all in so many ways

I don’t think age is so much the issue, but the fact you’re starting all over again when you’re oldest is a teenager. So if you were 39 with a 3 yr old I’d say crack on…but in your case it’s definitely a lot to consider!

What is your gut telling you? I was ridiculously broody in my late 30s, but ultimately I knew that I didn’t want to do it all over again with a big age gap. It wasn’t pregnancy, birth, babies or toddlers. It was the thought of still doing the school run at 50, with adult children. It felt depressing somehow.

I find it so odd when people in their mid 30s complain of aches related to having children!

I had my first at 35, which I dont consider old since it's around the age most people I know had babies. Prior to that I did quite a bit of long distance running and was into fitness, I also had an active social life and worked hard, so I didn't find it difficult, personally.

I know lots of people who've had babies late 30s to early 40s who are very happy.

I am currently snuggling my beautiful 3 month old.

I’m 39, her older siblings are 2 and 17. The age gap is absolutely fine.

Op, run free!!!!!! Wait to be a granny instead!!

You need replies from people who are 10, 15, 20 years down the line.

The baby part is fine.
More time, less career focussed, no desire for freedom and spontanaity as you've done it all.
I had mine at 37 and 39 and DH was 46. At the time it was perfect, no issues at all.
It's when you are older and they are teenagers it really shows up. My only regret about having children is that I didn't do it 5 years sooner.

Cam2020

I find it so odd when people in their mid 30s complain of aches related to having children!

I had my first at 35, which I dont consider old since it's around the age most people I know had babies. Prior to that I did quite a bit of long distance running and was into fitness, I also had an active social life and worked hard, so I didn't find it difficult, personally.

I know lots of people who've had babies late 30s to early 40s who are very happy.

I think for me it was having had 3 babies and the issues that go with that. I also work out a lot and I’m “fit” but the toll 3 pregnancies and child birth had on my body was undeniable. I have to put some of that also down to my age as I struggle with the lack of sleep more now than when I was in my 20’s.

I had DD at 41, and no regrets. I didn't really stand out as a much older mum because round here most people don't seem to have children until they have been to university and established a career, so they are usually in their thirties before starting a family.

When DD was at primary school we were invited to 40th birthday parties rather than 30th birthday parties

I would look at having a 16 year age gap more as having two only children rather than them being close siblings. If your older DC goes to university the younger one will hardly see them after the age of two.

@wishing3, that's a very good point. Morbid or not and actually, I remember trying to explain this to dp a few months ago. I think I would actually feel guilty that my second will have always had 15/16 plus years less with me than my first.

I think if I didn't already have a dc, my age wouldn't really be so much of an issue, but yes, I do worry about being at two different stages at the same time and what that would feel like.

@Sexnotgender, how do you feel about that? Huge congratulations btw!

Honestly, yes a bit. Both for DS sake and mine.

Mine because being the same age as the grandparents of his classmates was tough sometimes. It’s hard to make friends with other mums when they see you as being like THEIR mum, rather than an equal. Baby/toddler years require quite a lot of physical activity (on top of the sleep deprivation etc which is obviously universal, irrespective of parental age) - which can be rough on middle-aged bodies.

From DS’ point of view: no cousins his own age. Grandparents dead or extremely elderly. At school he’s been teased / mildly bullied at times over how old we are (mind you he tends to be the one to share the information, so he could prevent a lot of it by just not blurting out our ages to anyone who’ll listen). I try to keep up with ‘youth culture’ and what kids are talking about as best I can, but his dad doesn’t really and I can see sometimes they just don’t understand what the other is talking about.

But the biggest thing for us has been this last year and the sudden need to reassess ourselves as ‘vulnerable older adults’ (never really felt my age before!) as well as having some actual serious health concerns. All of a sudden we have had to confront the terrifying ‘what if’s’ of one or both of us dying while DS is still young, possibly even before he’s an adult. It’s not a nice feeling, and not one that I gave much thought to when I was 40 but still felt 20.

I’m not saying don’t have another baby (and your situation is a bit different as you have an older DC who could take care of his younger sibling if the worst happened, whereas we don’t have this). But make sure you think through the implications very carefully. What will life be like for your new DC when they’re 11, 16, 18, 21 - all those crucial life stages where the last thing they need is to have to become a carer for a sick parent, or deal with a devastating bereavement. Really look at your family and friends network and ask yourselves: if we needed someone to care for DC, is there someone here whom we trust 1000% and whose values align with ours and who’d be willing to do it? Would your DC be financially protected (with their education provided for if necessary)? Write wills, nominate guardians and backup guardians and backup backup guardians. Look after your health, but insure yourselves (and your teen DC) to the hilt.

Think seriously about preschool and primary school and how you’ll cope. Think about how to ensure the young DC doesn’t feel lonely with your family. Try to ‘stay young’ yourself in terms of your own interests and activities so that you not all your friends are your own age, with their DC all grown up when you have a toddler/primary schooler and nobody to chat to. Sorry, I don’t mean to be morbid or a downer. I adore my DS but I really wish someone had told me all this when I was TTC in my late 30s.

Good luck to you.

I have the same age gap. I was worried about the same thing, felt like I was getting freedom back etc and then discovered I was pregnant (we'd given up years ago and thought we'd never have more).

My toddler is exhausting, way more than when I was early 20's with my first.

But my god is he a joy. He's just the funniest little thing, and I have the time to slow down a bit more with him, less money worries etc. And I know how quickly it goes too, suddenly they're teenagers. So I guess I have a different perspective this time. I'm tired but I don't want to rush the little years away.

I find it so odd when people in their mid 30s complain of aches related to having children!

I agree, I've often noticed a trope on here that any mother over 35 is always exahausted or physically unable to cope. I can only assume that maybe there's a tendency for those with medical conditions or the less fit to be over represented online. If I'd taken those views on board I wouldn't have any children. No one knows how someone else will manage.

I’m not sure I’d bother with another in your situation. Your child is already so close to adulthood and your description of life once they fly the best honestly sounds amazing!

There’s a 10 year gap between my eldest and youngest but I did have my eldest at 17. I’ve bunched my DC close enough together to mean by my late 40s they all should have flown and DH and I will be freeeeee . I wouldn’t want to be dragged through the baby and toddler stage again in my late thirties personally.

You won’t stand out too much though. I’m generally one of the youngest Mum’s at baby/toddler groups and I’m late 20s now.

Thank you. My 2 younger children have been such a blessing and my older daughter adores them.
It’s been very helpful having an extra pair of hands from time to time also! It was super helpful during lockdown as we were trying to juggle working full time with a 1 year old.
I’ve got a great career and I’m definitely more patient than I was when I was younger.

I had mine when I was 42. She’s ten now. Her school friends’ parents run a wide range of ages and she’s never been picked on because of my age! But then her friends do think I’m quite bonkers! I’ve made friends with the younger parents with no problem. She has more grandparents than I had at her age! And my parents have been a huge help with her and they have a great relationship. I’ve a couple of friends who have big age gaps with their children and are a similar age to me, they don’t seem to have encountered major problems. It would have been nice to have had a child earlier than when I did, but it didn’t happen so there’s no point dwelling on it.

@caughtinanet

I find it so odd when people in their mid 30s complain of aches related to having children!

I agree, I've often noticed a trope on here that any mother over 35 is always exahausted or physically unable to cope. I can only assume that maybe there's a tendency for those with medical conditions or the less fit to be over represented online. If I'd taken those views on board I wouldn't have any children. No one knows how someone else will manage.

For me it wasn’t about exhaustion but pain! I’ve had intermittent knee problems since my late 20s. I knew what kinds of activities/ movements aggravated them and usually avoided those activities. But not having spent much time around babies / kids, I was just (naively, I suppose) unaware of just how much sitting or kneeling on the floor is involved with having a baby / toddler. Nobody ever mentions it and I never thought to ask. Plus a requirement sometimes to join in and be physical in ways I’d never have imagined (Baby Gym classes spring to mind!). So my already bad knees took quite a hammering as a result of doing all of this in my early 40s and I now have mobility issues.

I only have a 5 year age gap, but had my last baby at 37. I definitely don't feel like an 'older mum'. In my social circles and at nursery/school, I would say I'm average to younger than other mums (currently 40).

I had ds at 41 and dd when I just turned 43. They are two and a half and soon-to-be-one.
Of course it's tiring having young kids. It's tiring for everyone. I go to the gym four mornings a week, super early, and sometimes go swimming one night a week. I am toying with the idea of starting netball again too. I turned 44 yesterday.

We have no help from family but manage fine between us.

The kids were very much wanted so we do t feel we are missing out on much at all!