If you had a baby later in life, do you regret it?

[Proseccohashaditsday]

Hi,

So I don't mean regret having the baby necessarily, just the timing.

I already have a 14 year old and would be late 30's, before hopefully being successful with my second, so dc likely to be 16 plus, so it would also be interesting to hear from those with large age gap dc. How does that work? What kind of relationship do they gave?

I don't know whether to just enjoy our freedoms earlier in life or to listen to my heart/ovaries and increase our family before it really is too late.

We're finally at a financially stable point in our lives, so once dc flies the nest, we could either enjoy all that just the two of us - i.e, not being tied by school catchment areas, school holidays etc and easily be able to help out our current dc at uni, house deposit etc.......

Or we could start again, go through those crazy, noisy, but equally wonderful, little dc days, which I miss terribly. More than fancy holidays and lie ins.....I think

Be good to hear your experiences.

Thank you

Parenting an averagely teenage 16 year old at 58, not so much.

I turned 58 when DD was 16. I found the teenage years hard because of outside influences. Being 58 was not an issue. It would have been just as hard if I had been 38.

I've got a friend who had a baby when her first child was 15 and she was 40. I don't think she has struggled with age at all. I think it took her first child a bit of getting used to when they found out, but once the baby was born the older one was really involved and now loves being an older sibling.

@user1471523870

In my experience the toddler and baby years are physically harder but the teenage years are hard in a different way. They need a lot more help and guidance, there are friendship issues, school issues etc, like others said their schedule is completely opposite of mine, eg being up really late, sleeping all morning. No more evenings to yourself like when they are little. The rudeness, the mess, the constant eating, the entitlement, the hormonal outbursts, the on call taxi service (I realise not all teenagers are like this) . I love them dearly but with peri menopause / menopause / in the mix it can be exhausting at times.

That’s not to say I would change a thing apart from us all being hormonal at the same time!

I had my first baby at 36 and my second at 38. I would advise my DC to go for it earlier as I had two miscarriages to get my two beautiful babes one of which did in the womb at 18 weeks.

But from a parenting perspective, being established and successful in my career I'd say no regrets whatsoever.

I don't think you are too old, as long as you've got the energy.

I'd be more worried about the existing DC. They might not be very happy about a new sibling and you need to consider what that means for your relationship with them as they are getting ready to leave home, and how a sibling relationship will look. Realistically a gap that big means they won't be at all close, and your current DC may feel the burden of duty towards to the new arrival.

I think I'd prefer I enjoy having an empty nest.

I had mine at 35 and 38 and kids are now 6 and 2
Step kids are in their 20's
It's fine we all get on well snd my step kids adore the little ones

I had my first at 40. No regrets about having her shes perfect and indont think I'm more tired than any of the other mums I know.

My mum was 40 when I was born - sort of adopted within the family though so different. She definitely didn't regret me.coming along or at least she hid it very well. My siblings are 12, 17 and 19 years older than me. Wasn't a typical sibling relationship growing up but we were and have remained very close.

My 16 year old has just sauntered in, announcing his plans for tomorrow. The thought of me sitting here with a baby while he's of the age where he's now so independent makes me 😨

Why anyone would have this kind of age gap is totally beyond me...

I had my first 2 close together at 20, then my next 2 at 40 and 43, don't regret having them later, very lucky to have them, but it took a toll on my health, something I never thought about, as was always fit and healthy

When I was pregnant with my first baby age 35 I did an antenatal class (which incidentally proved to be a waste of money and more and introduction agency for nice friends exercise!)

There was a lady there who had teenagers at university and she was pregnant again thinking it was the menopause she found out late on and she was 46 but she's an amazing Mum - all 3 kids have the same Dad.

Her older ones were a bit shocked tho a 23 year age gap was a lot to take on bird but they love their sister and are great with her

16 yr old and 7 yr old here both boys
No regrets here!

We have a lovely life and yes they fight and love each other too .,,

There's no nirvana with children, have them if you want them xx

I turned 58 when DD was 16. I found the teenage years hard because of outside influences. Being 58 was not an issue. It would have been just as hard if I had been 38

I think the point being made here is, of course teenagers are hard, doesn't matter what age you are. But do you want to be dealing with it at close to 60, when you are naturally looking towards retirement?

I have 2 DC, 5 years apart and last one born when I was 38. That was my cut off age and tbh I thought we'd be sticking with one due to recurrent miscarriage.

However in your situation OP if you are just going for the one DC (bar twins of course 🤯) I'd probably do it as one is easy enough. Juggling multiple DC as you age though wouldn't be my ideal.

For me the thought of having to actively parent dependents for thirty-plus years would be a big no no. That's the bulk of your healthy adult lifespan!

Lots of women have a last gasp of broodiness before their ovaries give up the ghost. Most of them get over it and never look back!

That said, if you want to do it and you can financially and physically then go for it.

But it's not for me.

I find it so odd when people in their mid 30s complain of aches related to having children

I agree! And agree with the comment about slightly less fit people being over represented online (whilst taking on board some people have conditions which effect them unrelated to fitness). I can't imagine anyone I know with children in their 30s complaining about aches and pains! I worked right up until maternity leave both times, running around after my class of primary school children, and felt fine after birth within 2-3 days. Lost baby weight without issue, will carry toddler home if they're too tired to walk etc. Literally don't feel any different at 35 to 25.

I was 38 when I had ds and he wasn't planned but I was excited and happy. Looking back it was the right time for me , I had a very busy career and travelling and would not have been excited and happy qt the prospect in my younger years !
I'd achieved lots of things by 38 so didn't feel I was missing put on anything.

He keeps me young and even though I'm roughly 10 years older than the mums of his class mates don't care at all . I'm 46 now and he's 7 , I'm entering peri menopause and wouldn't like to be doing that with a toddler that's for sure !

Had my last child at 45 after a 21 year gap ( different dad) He has definitely been more challenging than the other two and his college suspects he has undiagnosed ADHD. The older two are very close to him but are like another younger layer of parents as he is closer in age to my grandchildren. BUT l love him dearly and I am sure he keeps me young though I can’t get to like grime music!

I just couldn’t imagine “going back” when you have a 14 year old.

Also some women me included find when you hit peri menopause that your hormones change and you lose patience or interest in nurturing and young children. Really noticed this over the last year or so (am 47).

@thisisnotmyllama Some really useful points here. We have an only at 34 felt too old then only used to our family situation, all landed awfully. My mum died just 7 wks after she was born to sudden late stage cancer diagnosed just before I got pregnant, sister found out she likely can't have kids and partners sisters all but abandoned us and haven't bothered with their neice once awful peoole but left us very lonely and my poor dd without any cousins and atm no siblings either, at 38 now and just recovered from a bad birth, 2 yrs of next to no sleep and a real slog making many new friendship inroads I'm considering another but feel I'm mad as I just don't know if I could do it again I'm still shattered but feel this huge need to provide a sibling for our poor daughter but I know it isn't the magical answer as it doesn't all turn out rosy and would rather not risk my health further! Like you I wish I'd known all this younger I didn't realise but I didn't expect to have her at 34 it just didn't happen at 30 as planned it took just over 3 yrs so I was 34.5 when she came, just live with daily questions running through my mind about what to do! I think the most important thing is im a huge part of her life and pregnancy at my age and state atm could put myself hugely at risk therefore it's just not feasible but I keep wondering if um just being negative but I know im being practical, best to have a mum that can function than not at all as dads not that great at all this so baby 2 doesn't look to be. Really grateful for what we have but feel so sad for dd also that things didn't turn out differently for her and us all x x

I had mine at 35 and 36. I have had health problems since and feel older than 44 now.

I would have liked to have them when I was a lot younger but I didn't meet my dh until I was 33 so not really anything I could do!

I have four children. Had eldest when I was 24, youngest at 34. I couldn't imagine having any babies at all now at the stage I am at. Will be 40 soon. Too tired to go through the sleepless nights again.

All down to personal preference and we all have different limitations.

I'm 41 in a couple of weeks and i have a 4 year old and a 4 month old
I have no aches n pains the 2nd birth was better than the first but the first was fine also
I did have to misscariges in between very early on tho so that's more common I also worried about problems during pregnancy as everyone told me the older you are the more at risk you are of practically everything 🙄 but no problems

Alot of people have kids at your age now I think it's considered the norm

So like a PP said think of them as only children but hey the chance of twins also increases with age

Had mine at 39 and 41 and wouldn’t have done it any differently. I am now about to turn 60 and have an 18 year old but they have kept us young. I love having the house filled with youth - dreading dd going to Uni as we will be left with people our own age!

Different strokes I guess. Only you can decide, but age is no impediment in my book.

I have a 10 year gap which would be too large for some but it's worked quite well for us. They are 16 and 6. I can go out and leave the 6 year old with 16 year old etc.
It's been great so far. They have a very close relationship. I had the 6 year old when I was 43. I'm 49 now and work 30 hours per week and manage to juggle everything. I feel very blessed.
The only thing I'm slightly annoyed with is wider family not really taking much interest in 6 year old. Think they were so shocked I had another that they can't be bothered.

@caughtinanet

I find it so odd when people in their mid 30s complain of aches related to having children!

I agree, I've often noticed a trope on here that any mother over 35 is always exahausted or physically unable to cope. I can only assume that maybe there's a tendency for those with medical conditions or the less fit to be over represented online. If I'd taken those views on board I wouldn't have any children. No one knows how someone else will manage.

I know, some of the attitudes on here that when you hit your mid-life 30s, you're clapped out and suffering from exhaustion, aches and pains etc. I think you're right about perhaps those with medical problems being over represented, otherwise some of these folk need to get themselves to a GP asap.