If you had a baby later in life, do you regret it?

[Proseccohashaditsday]

Hi,

So I don't mean regret having the baby necessarily, just the timing.

I already have a 14 year old and would be late 30's, before hopefully being successful with my second, so dc likely to be 16 plus, so it would also be interesting to hear from those with large age gap dc. How does that work? What kind of relationship do they gave?

I don't know whether to just enjoy our freedoms earlier in life or to listen to my heart/ovaries and increase our family before it really is too late.

We're finally at a financially stable point in our lives, so once dc flies the nest, we could either enjoy all that just the two of us - i.e, not being tied by school catchment areas, school holidays etc and easily be able to help out our current dc at uni, house deposit etc.......

Or we could start again, go through those crazy, noisy, but equally wonderful, little dc days, which I miss terribly. More than fancy holidays and lie ins.....I think

Be good to hear your experiences.

Thank you

I’m 38 and have a 2 year old. There is only a 3 year gap between my two children but I’m feeling much older and struggling more with the sleep deprivation this time.

I was 41 and my DS 16 when his sister was born. She is the light of my life, I feel so lucky to have her and have never regretted my decision. She is 9 now and her brother 25 and they have a really lovely close relationship, it’s a joy to watch.

Had my baby at 44. I don’t wish I’d done it earlier. We’ll only have one child. Don’t want another. I’m really happy that things have turned out the way they have, and my son is the light of my life.
Not sure how he’ll feel about me, and DH, when he’s older. And I have thought about how he’ll feel, not having siblings. But, this is our little family & the timing is right for us.

Hi I had my first three children at 20,21 and 26 I am now 39 and have a 2 year old. I have absolutely no regrets and have actually been more relaxed and have really enjoyed this time round.

X

[quote Turquoisesea]@user1471523870

In my experience the toddler and baby years are physically harder but the teenage years are hard in a different way. They need a lot more help and guidance, there are friendship issues, school issues etc, like others said their schedule is completely opposite of mine, eg being up really late, sleeping all morning. No more evenings to yourself like when they are little. The rudeness, the mess, the constant eating, the entitlement, the hormonal outbursts, the on call taxi service (I realise not all teenagers are like this) . I love them dearly but with peri menopause / menopause / in the mix it can be exhausting at times.[/quote]
Oh I hear you 😂 it's exhausting with them being up late at night, sleeping in all morning. Opposite schedule to rest of the household. I will be 40 when my eldest is 16. Lots to deal with in the teenage years. Don't want to be going through all that in my 60s.

I think second babies are more exhausting regardless of the mother’s age, if there is already a toddler in the mix but less so if the second child is school age.

I was 37 when I had my first and didn’t feel especially old - older, yes but not old. I’m 41 with a 15 week old and I am much more aware of my age but only because other mums look so young and not because it’s a struggle. If he slept better I’d be fine! Things like a lack of support network would be of much greater impact than purely age. Being older also means we are better off with established careers too.

Personally I wouldn’t go back to the baby stage if my eldest was a teen. I’d enjoy the freedom.

I had my first child in my twenties and went to a baby group with a lot of over 40’s parents. In the past ten years I’ve watched them physically slow down and their children miss out as result, no family bike rides, no playing football in the park or going swimming. More recently there has been a death (cancer), hip replacement and a stroke amongst them. They are hugely loving parents but I do worry for the children.

I had my last baby at 37. I'm not unusual amongst my friends, but dd's best friend at schools's mum is young enough to be my daughter which feels weird, I admit.

@Oversize

In your late 30s and early 40s the baby part is relatively easy. Parenting an averagely teenage 16 year old at 58, not so much.

When I married my DH we were in our early forties and both had children from our first marriages. My youngest was 10. At the time we would have loved to have had a child or two together but decided not to seek vasectomy reversal or assisted conception. Now, in our late fifties, I am relieved that we don't have teenagers, and can hardly believe we considered adding a baby to our already overstuffed family life at the time.

l had my youngest at 36 and l would say they definately keep you young, l am 53 now , my sons are fit yet l can still outrun them and people are surprised when l say l have a 20 yr old and 16 yr old. l think maybe you make more of an effort, have more of an incentive to stay healthy etc, esp if you are a lone parent like myself.

I think that a significant minority on Mn seem mentally old before their time and to be extremely skeptical about doing things they think they’re ‘too old’ for — I’m talking about the people who post that they’re 23, have been working for six years, are married with a mortgage and two cars, have had a few foreign holidays, and now think a baby is the next thing. For those people, 40 is almost grandparent territory. Or the people who wring their hands about being ‘on the shelf’ aged 27. Or afraid they’re ‘too old’ to retrain or change direction in their 30s. I also see quite a few people on here who are looking towards retirement from their early 50s.

I think this skews attitudes to what constitutes ‘later in life’ for having a baby.

My eldest was 14 when my youngest arrived (when I was 40). They have an amazing relationship, DD dotes on him. In terms of everything else - it was no harder being pregnant at 40 than it was at 25. It had its issues but then my first pregnancy was tricky too. I'm knackered but I was knackered then! And I've never felt like an older mum, a lot of people where I live have babies in their late 30s/early 40s, it's not unusual at all.

I'm always slightly bemused by these threads when people pronounce that parenting teenagers when they are in their 50s and 60s is "a nightmare" or words to that effect (usually something along the lines of "couldn't think of anything worse").

As parents in those decades I feel that what DP and I lack in youth we more than make up for in wisdom . There is so little value placed on life experience and age in our society and it is implicitly, or explicitly implied in many threads on here. Of course it saddens me that we possibly won't be around for as long as younger parents, but having lost my DF at quite a young age that's not a foregone conclusion either ( plus DP's family often reach a ripe old age).

We love having teenagers around the house - we get an insight into the youth culture and lingo, what's happening on TikTok etc and have some great discussions about how our lives growing up were so different.
In fact we watched the first episode of Grange Hill on Britbox last night and it was a real eye opener, especially when Tucker got clouted on the head by one of the teachers .

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that older parents shouldn't be written off. We have plenty to offer and can still give our children a wonderful upbringing. Perhaps they have a different perspective and of course they have occasionally mentioned that we are older than some of their friends parents. We'll have to aim for quality over quantity.

Good luck with your decision OP.

I had my only child when I was 42. I'm now 55 and don't relate to all these 'oh it's so tiring' comments from some women in their 30s either.

I'm friends with mums from school. I'm the oldest by over a decade in some cases but it's not a problem. We've all got kids the same age so we've got plenty in common.

My DD has never been picked on for having an older mum. Not sure why kids would do that? How would they even know how old I was?

I also don't hanker to get 'me' or 'my time' back as I'd done everything I'd wanted to do in life before I had DD.

If you want a baby, have one! Don't worry about your age. There's plenty of people on MN who will worry about your age for you

@Annaghgloor

I think that a significant minority on Mn seem mentally old before their time and to be extremely skeptical about doing things they think they’re ‘too old’ for — I’m talking about the people who post that they’re 23, have been working for six years, are married with a mortgage and two cars, have had a few foreign holidays, and now think a baby is the next thing. For those people, 40 is almost grandparent territory. Or the people who wring their hands about being ‘on the shelf’ aged 27. Or afraid they’re ‘too old’ to retrain or change direction in their 30s. I also see quite a few people on here who are looking towards retirement from their early 50s.

I think this skews attitudes to what constitutes ‘later in life’ for having a baby.

Agree with you. There have been a few threads where going out and having fun and a few drinks is the ultimate no no if you're over 35!

My dm had me at 35 my dad was 40 and I have big age gaps between my two brothers 8 years and 5 years, honestly it was lonely the gaps were two big they were at different stages of their lives to me all they saw was there annoying little sister, I'm not close to my dbros at all. My dm had alot of health problems so wasn't an active parent. I decided I wanted to have dc young because of this had ds1 at 21 with ex, planned dd1 at 26 and had the last very ds2 at 29.

I have four children, born when I was 19. 21, 49 & 43. Now have five grandchildren and my youngest child is 13. It was like two separate pairs of children and the elder two are more like aunts and uncles but it’s been great on the whole for all of us. Different for sure but great. I do however hanker for some child free time!

39 not 49

I was 33 with my first, 38 with the twins. I don't know any different so don't know how I'd have coped younger.
I'm in an area where I'm def one of the older Mom's at the school gate esp for first horns but It doesn't really matter. I've got a nice group of Mom friends ranging from 47 (in 40) down to 26.

Age gaps, my sisters are 22, 19 and.... 5. They're really close altho the big ones are moved out and so he's functionally an only child a lot of the time but then with extra adults who love him lots and can do fun things with him

I have one son 30 yrs old and one dd 10 yrs old I am 50 next week! Having our daughter later in life was a massive shock to the system but its the best thing we ever did, Yes I admit I do not have as much energy as I did due to health reasons but what I do have is more time,more patience,more money and as I am not personally striving for my own life goals I am relaxed and calm and really enjoying this time to be a mum. Dad is still very fit and active and takes over doing the things I struggle a bit with so for example the bike rides the football etc,My son adores his sister and is really more like a second dad to her,They are so close,he is the fun one who does the theme parks,the adventures,the trendy coffee shops and stupidly priced meals! He recently took her for lunch at the Ivy ,,as if! My dd gets the best parts of us from all of us in various ways, For us she has 2 homes,ours and my sons and she can be found between either! My son and his partner who probably will not have children of their own include her in most things they do such as holidays,days out etc all of their own choosing and its wonderful, She is bright and breezy and a happy little girl who has on tap 4 doting adults to turn to always and I have to admit although she is ruined by all of us she is very lucky and she knows this too, No one could have planned how this would have turned out but it turned out well and if one of us can;t do something there is always someone who can and will step in, The thing I love the best though Op is me and how I feel in this and mother hood seond time around ,,,I feel good! I feel confident,settled and happy and very content, I have non of the school gate competitiveness,non of the career chasing to deal with,non of the anything really, It is very relaxed and I feel this time around I can concentrate on being the parent I want to be and having the time,skills and focus to just be mum,Life is good here, Yep 21 yrs between my two and we are all surviving!!!!!

I’m the produce of what was considered ‘older parents’ in the 80’s. My two brothers are 9 and 11 years older than me. I was very clearly an ‘oops’ pregnancy. This doesn’t matter, it sounds like you’re giving every scenario much thought.
What I can say with certainty is that it wasn’t fun being much younger than my siblings. I got pushed out of every room, wasn’t allowed to take part and their friends avoided me like the plague. My oldest brother moved out when I was 7 so never had much of a relationship with him at all. My parents were considered old at the time, mum was 33 when she had me. She was my best friend in every way, but her health deteriorated 8 years after I was born and after that she slept a lot, she needed help a lot and … it wasn’t the easiest of times. Then she died when I was early 20’s, which tore me apart.
Sorry to be so morbid OP but that is the genuine truth of why I wouldn’t. But I’d never judge you if you did. Your older child might adore the baby and spend all their time looking after them. Or they might not. Think about sad eventualities like… what if something happened to both parents. We all have to think about these things. Mid 30’s I started developing serious medical problems. My daughter was only 5 at the time. It was so so hard. Age doesn’t necessarily mean old. It’s all about physical and mental health.

Good luck, I hope if you go ahead you’re one of the lucky ones. No doubt you will adore your little one as much as your eldest.

I had my second at 42. He's now 10 and my eldest is 23. She has left home but visits frequently. They have a lovely relationship. I had a good pregnancy with my youngest and an easy birth, both much more positive than with my eldest.

My only regret is I had DS after huge pressure from my now ex-h. He then decided that being a parent wasn't for him, had an affair and left. He no longer sees DS. That's another story. I didn't sign up for being an older lone parent with a child who is now diagnosed with various spectrum disorders. It has impacted on my life significantly. However, he's an amazing little boy and I can't imagine life without him.

I had mine at 37 & 39. Lots of my friends had their children at similar ages and some into their 40s (one was 44). I didn't feel tired or achey and managed very well. I can't imagine feeling any different if I'd had them a decade or so earlier.

I had my last baby when I was 42, a twenty year age gap between number 3 and 4. Best thing I have done, it has been amazing being an older parent to this child. I was probably more tired than I was with the elder 3, but as he is basically an "only" child at this point, I could rest when he slept.
My youngest is now 22 and we are still have a really close relationship.