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Original poster

If you had a baby later in life, do you regret it?

99 replies

Proseccohashaditsday · 13/07/2021 11:37

Hi,

So I don't mean regret having the baby necessarily, just the timing.

I already have a 14 year old and would be late 30's, before hopefully being successful with my second, so dc likely to be 16 plus, so it would also be interesting to hear from those with large age gap dc. How does that work? What kind of relationship do they gave?

I don't know whether to just enjoy our freedoms earlier in life or to listen to my heart/ovaries and increase our family before it really is too late.

We're finally at a financially stable point in our lives, so once dc flies the nest, we could either enjoy all that just the two of us - i.e, not being tied by school catchment areas, school holidays etc and easily be able to help out our current dc at uni, house deposit etc.......

Or we could start again, go through those crazy, noisy, but equally wonderful, little dc days, which I miss terribly. More than fancy holidays and lie ins.....I think

Be good to hear your experiences.

Thank you

OP posts:

user1471523870 · 13/07/2021 13:27

I had my first at 44 and he's now a toddler. I can't answer your questions about the age gap (I am considering a second but they would obviously be close-ish in age).
About life in general, no issues here and I would re-do it with no questions. It wasn't a choice to have him so late in life, but I feel blessed every day and we are so happy.
I have no way to know if I'd be less tired if I was 20, however I am doing ok I think? Fortunately, no illness or aches, I am still in the same shape/weight/form I was when much younger and I don't feel extremely tired because I am running after him.
I do AM exhausted fairly often, but I also work full time, exercise and look after my little one who is in his terrible two!

About being seen as an 'older mum', as you said it really depend from the area I guess. I genuinely never felt judged or out of place (but I admit I look younger than my age and people don't realize I should be a grandma!). In my friend's circle, the oldest children are 7-8 years old. There are quite a few toddlers. None of my friends had children in their twenties, most in late thirties, a couple -like me- in their forties.

Rationally I understand people who say they can't wait to have their lives back after having children, but for me I absolutely love to be at this stage in life and I can't care less about having 'me' time again. It will come but I wish time would stop now:).

Turquoisesea · 13/07/2021 13:37

I had my DCs at 34 and 38 and didn’t feel like an older mum as all my friends had their children around a similar age. But if I were you and were coming out the other side I’m not sure I would want to go down that road again. I am 51 now with a 13 year old and 16 year old and right in the throngs of peri menopause. I didn’t find it particularly difficult or tiring when they were little but trying to deal with teenagers when you are menopausal yourself isn’t much fun. I often wish I had had them a bit younger.

NuffSaidSam · 13/07/2021 13:55

I think the age thing really varies area to area. I'm in London, and I'm a nanny so I meet mums with young babies/new mums constantly. They're almost all mid to late 30's/early 40's. Some younger, a fair few older. I can't imagine a child being bullied because their mum was 40 when they were born. Or some of the other children having grandparents that age. It's just not the situation here.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Estherlee · 13/07/2021 13:57

I'd go for it OP! I had my first at 39 and have loved every minute (well, maybe not every minute... ). I know everyone tends to say your 'freedom' is all that matters and the baby/toddler years are so tedious but tbh I love the baby and small child stage and would have also loved to have that for a longer overall period of my life. It sounds like you love it too and would be happy to do it again- so why not! It's your life

Arsebucket · 13/07/2021 14:13

I have an almost 19 year old, a 7
year old and a 10 month old.

It’s fabulous.

My 18 year old and 7 year old are so close. They bicker like they are only a year apart.

The both adore the baby.

I have terrible pregnancies and births so the huge gaps are because it took me years to work up the courage to do it again.

I was 40 when the baby was born last year.

thisisnotmyllama · 13/07/2021 14:15

@NuffSaidSam

It’s pretty common where I live (very much not London!). I’m 53. Two of DS’s classmates, including one of his best friends, have DGMs who were born the same year as me. My NDN (a friend) is in her late 30s and her DM is mid-50s. I wasn’t the only older mum at DS’s primary school, but I was the only one for whom the ‘late’ baby was my first. All the others, even those a few years younger than me, also had adult DC and in some cases, DGC as well. I have a cousin aged 51 who has four DGC, the oldest is about 6.

IdblowJonSnow · 13/07/2021 14:16

Agree with @MikeHat - it's not the baby years, it's 10 years on it gets tricky!
Pros and cons to whatever you decide i guess. I don't think I would though as you're so close to being free!

RampantIvy · 13/07/2021 14:17

@caughtinanet

I find it so odd when people in their mid 30s complain of aches related to having children!

I agree, I've often noticed a trope on here that any mother over 35 is always exahausted or physically unable to cope. I can only assume that maybe there's a tendency for those with medical conditions or the less fit to be over represented online. If I'd taken those views on board I wouldn't have any children. No one knows how someone else will manage.

I'm inclined to agree. I'm 62, and my hips have only just started aching.

Gentleness · 13/07/2021 14:20

I wish it had been an option for me when I had more energy. I regret nothing, but I can see that the combination of recurrent miscarriage, postnatal depression and having 3 close together brought me to a level of exhaustion and decrepitude that I naively believe wouldn't have hit me so hard if I had youth on my side. I am now heading into parenting a teen in perimenopause and that is a whole new challenge.

There are too many different aspects to this for anyone to do more than offer up their experience for you consideration. My experience is that I love it completely, but that I am grey haired, obese and lethargic, none of which I expected at the relatively young age of 47.

TupilaLilium · 13/07/2021 14:21

We had a baby when I was 42 and the older ones were 10 and 13.

It is a blessing. She brings great joy and meaning to my life. She is the happiest, sunniest, most fantastic 5 year old. I would not wish for a better daughter. She is up for adventure. She is a joy. I would not be without her. She accepts her position as the centre of our family with grace, and the older boys adore her.

Physically it isn't any harder than it was in my late 20s. I stay in good shape. Emotionally it is easy because I don't sweat the small stuff after getting 2 kids to late adolescence.

That said, I very rarely get to do what I want to do. The older teens need a surprising amount of time now, never on my schedule. I have to be available for them and they want a lot of driving at night, and the little one wakes with the sun. I parent a lot. I work and I parent. Sometimes....less often than I used to in the early years......I wish I had fewer responsibilities.

TreeSmuggler · 13/07/2021 14:40

For me to say what I'd do, I'd have to know more about the situation. Why are you just trying now? Is it a new partner, who has no children of their own and really wants them? Same dp/different but long term dp but you decided not to TTC no. 2 all this time? First situation, I'd go for it. Second, I'd think it's a wobble, but I've made my mind up, just second guessing it due to hormones/fomo/whatever. I'd stick to my original decision to just have one dc.

ivfgottwins · 13/07/2021 14:44

My husband had a sibling 15 years old - they have zero relationship so so long as you don't go into it thinking they are going to have this lovely relationship because they likely won't

Ozanj · 13/07/2021 14:49

[quote Proseccohashaditsday]@Ozanj, do you feel like the 'older mum' where you are? I know it varies so much from area to area. Good luck with trying for your next baby btw [/quote]
Thank you. I don’t feel like an older Mum at all. But I do think the age you see yourself plays a big part in how others see you.

Ozanj · 13/07/2021 14:51

@ivfgottwins

My husband had a sibling 15 years old - they have zero relationship so so long as you don't go into it thinking they are going to have this lovely relationship because they likely won't

I have a similar age gap with my brother and am really, really close to him. So it does depend on family dynamics.

Tendonsandjoints · 13/07/2021 14:57

Not regret it as such because life doesn't always happen to plan, but I have found it challenging now they are teens, who as pp said, require more support than you anticipate, sometimes late at night or in the early hours. I sometimes wish I had more energy! I never found being older a disadvantage when the DC were small. Then I felt being older was a blessing because I had patience, some savings, had travelled, was established in my job etc. And I have older siblings and we have never found the age gap between us a problem. If I had a choice and could do it all over again though, I would start having DC younger.

Bloomingwild282 · 13/07/2021 15:34

We have DS who is 12 and I'm 40. I wouldn't have another now because I don't feel like I've got the energy to raise 2 only children. Obviously they wouldn't technically be only children but in terms of having a sibling of similar age. I put so much energy into making sure DS had a full social life. Lots of play dates and meeting up with other mums and having friends round. I'm an introvert and I've found it all lovely but really hard work ans its that aspect that I couldn't do all over again.

De88 · 13/07/2021 15:41

No regrets at all. Was much fitter, healthier and patient once I hit mid thirties. The age gap is lovely and I don't feel like an older mum (I dunno, might look like one though!) Like others my only regret was not having my children once I realised I wanted more, I waited another couple of years instead and would rather have had that time with them.

Oversize · 13/07/2021 15:49

In your late 30s and early 40s the baby part is relatively easy. Parenting an averagely teenage 16 year old at 58, not so much.

cptartapp · 13/07/2021 15:53

My friend had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17 at the time.
The older two are now away at uni. She tries to push relationships but the younger ones barely know their brothers. They're more like friendly uncles they see now and again.
The younger ones are two and a half and although my friend doesn't work and doesn't need to, she's signed them up for nursery.
Plenty of money, early retirement looming for her DH but very very tied.

Retrievemysanity · 13/07/2021 16:04

My friend had a baby last year when she was 42. She has 3 older children (eldest two are late teens). She said the pregnancy was harder this time but she’s enjoying the baby. Regarding the age gap, the older two can obviously look after the baby while my friend nips to the shop or have a shower which is a bonus but otherwise they’re at college or out with friends so they don’t have as much day to day time with the baby that a younger sibling would. I guess this will also get less and less if they go to uni/move out over the next few years.

Shmithecat2 · 13/07/2021 16:06

I had my one and only at 40. Tbh, as much as I love my son, I find parenthood in general quite challenging, and I'm bloody glad I didn't give my 20s and 30s up for it.

user1471523870 · 13/07/2021 17:11

@Oversize

In your late 30s and early 40s the baby part is relatively easy. Parenting an averagely teenage 16 year old at 58, not so much.

Hi Oversize, can I ask you why is that? I will be a similar age when my son will be 16 and can't figure out what specifically will be harder than if I was younger.

In my head I am already living through the harder years in terms of physical needs (sleep deprivation, early mornings, tantrums, carrying him everywhere, lifting him in the car seat etc).

Please be gentle with me!

Original poster

Proseccohashaditsday · 13/07/2021 17:15

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm not sure I'm not even more torn now though

I've been swinging from one decision to the next for the past year or so. I'm so indecisive, but this is obviously such a huge decision!

It is helpful to hear some real and mixed experiences though.

OP posts:

Livingintheclouds · 13/07/2021 17:25

I had mine in my 40s, I don't think it's made any difference.
I have three friends who have, for various reasons, a 15 plus age gap between kids, all with same fathers. While the kids were not friends growing up, they were all supportive and now that the younger ones are 18 they are on more equal adult terms.
My own children have half siblings 13 and 15 years older and it's been good, especially for my son, as my husband died when they were young.

Daphnesmate07 · 13/07/2021 17:27

I was doing okay until perimenopause hit (mid forties) and unable to take HRT. It's no joke running after a young child at this age. I watch my peers who have older children (teens) and physically (if not emotionally) it is easier. I guess it depends on fitness etc. and one thing I need to work on soon is to get fitter (but the peri.meno. has been awful in my case). Suddenly my eyesight etc. had started to deteriorate and I have begun to feel older.

But I never regret having dc, not at all. Youngest will be starting pre-school soon and it will get easier (and I won't deny it is a relief).

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