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Original poster

What's expected from a wife in a period of mourning?

98 replies

Cooldryplace · 13/07/2021 11:15

I'm not sure I care too much about what's expected, but I'm a bit concerned it might look like I've got over it all very quickly, which is not the case at all, I'm devastated.

DH died 2 weeks ago and it's another week until the funeral.

I work in school and school have given me until the end of term as compassionate leave, which I very much appreciate.

I am devastated, but I don't see much benefit in sitting around being miserable and certainly not in making those around me miserable.

I have a wide group of friends and acquaintances and as is the case in hard times, some practically disappeared during DH's illness and some have been amazing. Some "aquaintances" have become good friends.

Anyway, my friends are on a mission to keep me busy, which is lovely, I've never had so many invitations!

In the last 2 weeks, I've been on lots of outdoor group activities, been out for lunch and been to watch the football in the pub. A friend plays in a band and they have their first gig in months this week, a mutual friend has tickets and has asked me to go. This will be a boozy night in the pub.

I'd like to go, both the friend in the band and the one who's invited me, are people who have been there for me over the last 6 months in a way I wouldn't have expected them to be, based on our prior relationship.

However, I'm wondering if effectively going out partying, a couple of days before the funeral is a step too far?

OP posts:
Fashio · 13/07/2021 11:17

My dad died. Not comparable I know, but I had two days off work then went back. Had the odd teary moment but even at the funeral I wasn’t sobbing.

No one can judge or tell you.

Nuuktown · 13/07/2021 11:20

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers great that you have so much support though.
I think do what feels right, if anyone wants to judge then that’s on them. Not you.
If it helps you cope then crack on.
One thing I would say though is make time to grieve and don’t focus too much on keeping busy because eventually all these invitations may dry up and it may hit you like a ton of bricks

InTheNightWeWillWish · 13/07/2021 11:23

Grief is different for everyone and also different with each loved one we lose. There is no right or wrong way. If you want to go out a few days before the funeral, you do that. You also have the option to just see how you feel on the day. Even if you go out and it becomes too much on the evening, you have the option to cut the evening short.

LividLaVidaLoca · 13/07/2021 11:25

Agree with PP.

Do whatever gets you by, just be prepared that your grief might wallop you in the face down the line.

Take it one day at a time and no need to apologise.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 13/07/2021 11:27

I’m sorry for your loss. Flowers

I don’t usually say this phrase but you do you.

No one gets to tell you how to act, behave, what to do or are
not, or how to feel.

If this is going to lighten any load you are carrying, then do it. As nuuk says, there will be times when you feel you can’t because of grief.

We puddle along this road to our own tune.

Just do what feels right for you and you won’t go far wrong.

GertrudeKerfuffle · 13/07/2021 11:31

I'm so sorry for your loss ThanksThanksThanks

I think there's no right and wrong way, and if you feel that being out helps, then do it. As a pp said, do allow yourself time to grieve and don't suppress your grief by being too busy. Anyone who judges you falls in the same camp as those 'friends' who disappeared on you. If you're out with good friends, they will be there to support you.

I've seen in friends and relatives of mine who have lost their OH to a long illness (not sure if this is the case for you) that the process of mourning and letting go has begun during the illness, and they have been ready to step out into the world sooner than people (like myself with both of my parents) who have lost people suddenly.

Chasingsquirrels · 13/07/2021 11:31


(what everyone else said)

I'm sorry about your DH.

If what you are doing isn't hurting other people then do what you need to in order to get through.

sweetiepie1 · 13/07/2021 11:31

Everyone grieves differently, and if hanging out having a good time with your friends is helping you then that's amazing! You do you, and don't worry about anyone else!

Anoisagusaris · 13/07/2021 11:34

I went out for dinner with friends 2 days after my mother’s funeral. They asked what they could do and I said ‘keep me company, tell me your news, make me laugh, just don’t bloody tell me how awful it is’. Do what you need to do .

WaterBottle123 · 13/07/2021 11:35

When DH. died I accepted invites to the opening of a jam jar AND this was with a tiny baby - I used life insurance to pay babysitters as I needed to keep living.

People probably judged. Couldn't have cared less.

Sorry for your loss OP.

Original poster
Cooldryplace · 13/07/2021 11:35

I've seen in friends and relatives of mine who have lost their OH to a long illness (not sure if this is the case for you) that the process of mourning and letting go has begun during the illness, and they have been ready to step out into the world sooner than people (like myself with both of my parents) who have lost people suddenly.

Yes, there is definitely an element of this. He'd been bed bound for 6 months and not very lucid for the last 3 months, so I lost my husband, in many ways, several months ago.

OP posts:
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 13/07/2021 11:37

People find different approaches right for them. I work in HR and have worked with a number of bereaved employees. Some find it best to keep to their normal routine and keep busy. Some need to withdraw for extended periods. We never judge them for doing what is best for them.

Grief is weird. It comes and goes. Hits you like a ton of bricks one day and then you feel nothing the next day. All normal.

Mummasdiary2021 · 13/07/2021 11:37

Do what is right for you. Its your time to heal and you do that in any way you feel you need too. Sorry for your loss op xxx

TheFlis12345 · 13/07/2021 11:40

Do whatever keeps you sane, it is nobody else’s business. I am sorry for your loss.

Spudlet · 13/07/2021 11:44

I’m so sorry for your loss. Since losing his mum a few years ago, DH often listens to a podcast called The Griefcast. He finds it really helpful to hear from people who’ve suffered all sorts of losses, and about the many varied ways that they grieve. I don’t think there’s any right way to grieve someone, tbh. You just have to roll with it.

Flowers
SleepingStandingUp · 13/07/2021 11:46

I'm assuming he loved you? And wanted you to be happy? So he wouldn't be upset at you doing whatever it takes to get through these coming weeks and months? That's your answer.

You don't need to wear black for a month to show you loved him. Making the most of your life is enough

Notaroadrunner · 13/07/2021 11:49

The fact that your Dh had a long illness probably explains a lot. If he'd died in a car crash I daresay you'd find yourself in a totally different mindset. You've had plenty of time to mourn even before he died. I think you should do what feels right for you and if that means going out for a boozy night then go and do your best to enjoy it. I daresay the funeral will take its toll and there will be many times in future when you may not feel up to socialising, so embrace the times when you feel like it. Good to hear you have such good friends.

saffalass · 13/07/2021 11:50

I lost my husband suddenly over 2 years ago. The best advice I received was, there is no rule book to grief. If you think you up to it, then go for it. Yes some people will judge but they haven't walked in your shoes. I had a 10 year old son to look after too, I did my best. I did what was right for us. We are now happier, those friends that support you and genuinely there for you will stick by you and respect your decisions.
It's hard but do what's best for you !

inappropriateraspberry · 13/07/2021 11:51

Do what feels right for you. Don't worry about what others think - you know how you feel in your heart.

Oldraver · 13/07/2021 11:57

Do what you want when you feel like it anyone who critices isnt your friend

I feel some people have a fixed idea what a widow should act like, and it's usually those who fortunetly dont have a clue as they have never been in that position

I got criticised or sniffy remarks for all sorts..

I bought a new duvet the week after DH died, sniffy remarks... I just couldn't smelling him on the old duvet

Bought a new car...sniffy remarks.... we had planned to anyway and suddenly without DH being there, well there just wasn't the need for a big car. I also shouldn't of bought a bright yellow car, it should of been a muted colour

Going on holiday to Disneyworld months after DH died....sniffy remarks.... not that my DP's had already booked to take DS and DS didnt want to leave me behind at home on my own

And yes even going out to events and laughing...sniffy remarks...and really shouldn't be anything but dour

Just do what you want and live your life not what others who haven't got a foggiest expect

Oldraver · 13/07/2021 12:00

Oh and I forgot the bloody lamp I bought. I did actually pull the person up on criticising me for having the temerity to spend money on something I wanted

NeedNewKnees · 13/07/2021 12:00

Grief works differently for individuals. Do whatever feels right for you.

Original poster
Cooldryplace · 13/07/2021 12:06

Oldravet, I collected my new, bright red, car the day after he died. I'd ordered it ages ago when we sold the huge thing he loved, but could no longer drive and that I always hated. No one's said anything to me, but I do wonder if they're talking about it.

I'm also planning a complete redecoration of our bedroom. I can't quite articulate why and I do plan to wait a while in case I regret it, but I feel like I want it to be my room now, not our room. He hadn't slept in it for almost a year though because of his illness.

And yes, I'm also wondering how soon it would be appropriate to go on holiday. If I don't go before then end of August, that's it for a summer holiday until next year, as I work in school.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 13/07/2021 12:08

Yes I would say it was several steps too far since you did ask for opinions

endofthelinefinally · 13/07/2021 12:09

You do whatever feels right and gets you through.
Grief ebbs and flows like the tides. I have times when I feel guilty for doing something that makes me laugh. I find many, many life events very sad and distressing, but I also feel that, when I can, I must put a brave face on and join in. Sometimes that turns out to be a good thing, sometimes not. It can be exhausting keeping up the distraction though, so it is important to be prepared for the big waves that knock you over.
I am sorry for your loss.
Flowers