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Original poster

What's expected from a wife in a period of mourning?

98 replies

Cooldryplace · 13/07/2021 11:15

I'm not sure I care too much about what's expected, but I'm a bit concerned it might look like I've got over it all very quickly, which is not the case at all, I'm devastated.

DH died 2 weeks ago and it's another week until the funeral.

I work in school and school have given me until the end of term as compassionate leave, which I very much appreciate.

I am devastated, but I don't see much benefit in sitting around being miserable and certainly not in making those around me miserable.

I have a wide group of friends and acquaintances and as is the case in hard times, some practically disappeared during DH's illness and some have been amazing. Some "aquaintances" have become good friends.

Anyway, my friends are on a mission to keep me busy, which is lovely, I've never had so many invitations!

In the last 2 weeks, I've been on lots of outdoor group activities, been out for lunch and been to watch the football in the pub. A friend plays in a band and they have their first gig in months this week, a mutual friend has tickets and has asked me to go. This will be a boozy night in the pub.

I'd like to go, both the friend in the band and the one who's invited me, are people who have been there for me over the last 6 months in a way I wouldn't have expected them to be, based on our prior relationship.

However, I'm wondering if effectively going out partying, a couple of days before the funeral is a step too far?

OP posts:

LittleBlueRidingBoot · 14/07/2021 07:21

Death holds a mirror up to life.
Live it to the maximum in your own way.
My condolence to you at the loss of your husband.
I am attending the funeral of my friend today.
We have been friends for 65 years.

Allnightlong2016 · 14/07/2021 07:22

My mum died suddenly and due to the coroner it was over 3 weeks before we could have the funeral. We spent the time with my dad taking him out to lunch, walking places he wanted to go and it was absolutely the right thing for him. He said that it almost felt like a holiday except that mum wasn’t there. My dad also took himself on holiday about 7 weeks after mum died. It was the end of August and when they would have gone. He went somewhere else though. I think he felt that he needed to see if he could do it on his own. It was hard for him but he was glad he went.
I think that you should go, as pp have said there will come a time when normalcy returns and people are not around as much. Do whatever feels right. 💐

Radio4ordie · 14/07/2021 07:29

There isn’t anything wrong with going out.
my only word of warning is don’t run away from the grief because it will catch up with you (like a freight train) eventually and you might not have time off work to process it. I say this fro experience of going back to work and 6 months later having to get signed off.

saraclara · 14/07/2021 07:31

And yes, I'm also wondering how soon it would be appropriate to go on holiday. If I don't go before then end of August, that's it for a summer holiday until next year, as I work in school.

My DH's funeral took place towards the end of July. My daughters (20 and 22) and I found a cancellation and went on holiday about eight days later. It was wonderful. Healing and positive. I remember looking at them smiling and laughing on a boat trip, being filled with pride and love (they'd helped nurse him) and thinking "it's going to be okay"

Eekay · 14/07/2021 07:34

Crack on love. Grief is different for everyone.
It's nobody else's business.
What you need may change from day to day, so follow your instincts. .
My best friend just lost his husband, and he's had a lot of tut-tutting around decisions he's made in the month since it happened.
But he's stuck two fingers up at the self righteous brigade and stuck with those who've said "do what you need, we're right behind you".
I'm very proud of him.
All the very best to you and I'm very sorry for your loss.

dubyalass · 14/07/2021 07:46

I'm really sorry for your loss. The whole thing is so individual, you can only do what's right for you and to hell with everyone else, frankly.

Also, and apologies if this is a bit much, but sitting in your house with the curtains closed being the grieving widow, like society expects - well, it's not going to bring them back, is it? I felt guilty for going out for the day less than 24 hours after my mum died, but I'd sat by her bedside for the past six months and I was desperate for some normality. She would have been fine with it.

Do whatever gets you through.

ChaToilLeam · 14/07/2021 07:48

A good friend of mine lost her DH at the end of 2019. He had been chronically ill and declining rapidly during the previous six months, it was very hard on her. She was a whirlwind of energy initially, I helped her clear and rearrange the bedroom and clean the apartment, as she hadn’t been able to do that properly for some time. She returned to work quickly, but wasn’t able to continue and needed to take quite a lot of time off. She has been on solo holidays and has a BF now, there has been a lot of tut-tutting, but she has been through an awful time and she is literally rebuilding her life, which revolves around her DH’s illness for such a long time. You just go ahead and do what you need to do to get through, OP.

fuckingsickofcovid · 14/07/2021 08:17

My partners auntie lost her husband last year and she has had such an active social life since, she went on a cruise about 6 weeks after he died. I love it, she is making the most of things because sometimes you realise how quickly life can be ripped away. I'm sorry for your loss op

IdblowJonSnow · 14/07/2021 08:40

@Viviennemary

What's more important? Being 'appropriate' or OP spending time with people who can help make this time more bearable by taking her mind off things for a few hours?

Should she wear black for the next decade?

Sorry for your loss OP. Keeping busy is a coping strategy- do whatever feels right and try not to worry what others think or say.

Agree it will come and go in waves, often unexpectedly.

BastardMonkfish · 14/07/2021 08:45

Do what you want to OP although I would just warn against drinking when grieving as from experience it doesn't often end well. Sorry for your loss

FindingMeno · 14/07/2021 08:50

I am so sorry.
After a completely devastating bereavement I was back at work in 3 days.
It was right for me, and don't feel that was is right for you is somehow wrong.
I never followed the recognised stages of grief.

Whatamess582 · 14/07/2021 08:57

I think grief is a very personal thing and you need to do what you think is right for you right now. Don’t worry about how people perceive your behaviour. It’s not for them to judge (although they may well do). But try not to let them bother you.

Just be aware though that you might just be in shock and have not accepted your loss. And that’s ok too. It might hit you in a few months or even a year….. it might hit you hard or not…. Grief isn’t predictable or text book.

Whatever you do, make sure, as well as keeping busy you take care of yourself… sleep properly and eat well, don’t drink too much. Because if and when it does hit you, you need the strength to get through it.

Look up the stages of grief. Just to be aware of them.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/07/2021 08:57

I hope nothing

TiredButDancing · 14/07/2021 09:31

There absolutely will be people who judge you. But those people are either people you don't want in your life anyway or, to be generous, are people who haven't experienced grief. In books and movies the grief-stricken hero hides in a dark room, not eating, not sleeping, just crying. But that's not what grief looks like for most people. Most of us just have to get on with things and actually, find that helpful. Doesn't mean you won't get hit out of the blue - I had dinner with some girlfriends a few weeks after my mum died. It was lovely. But someone said something random and I found myself welling up. They were good friends though, patted my hand, and showed their support, and carried on.

I'm having dinner this week with a friend whose mum has recently died. She doesn't want to be sat at home alone all the time. She wants a distraction and an understanding friend.

AnnaMagnani · 14/07/2021 09:37

So sorry for your loss

Do what feels right for you. I think friends saying 'you need to keep busy' is a common response. My DM had loads of people offering to take her out and all she wanted was to be on her own.

On the other hand I remember her being pleased she was now in charge of the TV and could cook food she liked, having spent 2 years basically doing whatever DF wanted.

What was right for my DM was going into hibernation for about 2 years after DF died. When she came out she was busier than all the friends who told her to keep busy! She also dumped half her friends and made new ones.

So do what feels right, not what people tell you to do.

Justlovedogs · 14/07/2021 09:54

Sorry for your loss, OP.
I echo other sentiments - you do your grief however it makes sense to you. What other people do or don't think is their problem, not yours.
I lost my DM in March. I was on furlough at the time but would likely have been back at work on the Monday, saving compassionate leave for days when I really needed it. When my DF died 4 years ago, on the way back to the hospital car park with my mum and sisters, we were already laughing and joking about happier times spent with him. We still have our sad times, but life moves forward.

ElaineMarieBenes · 14/07/2021 10:11

Life is short - live it well and happily. I am sorry for your loss but hope you enjoy the gig 💐

garlictwist · 14/07/2021 10:40

I lost my partner a few years ago in a climbing accident so it was very unforeseen.

The friend that had been with him at the time of the accident came round to see me the next day. As he was leaving he said to me "you know, it's OK to carry on as normal" and that meant so much to me.

Life does go on. You can be sad and grieving and still get out and about (if you want to) and I think the perceived obligation to sit in the house wearing black can make things worse.

3Britnee · 14/07/2021 10:50

Do what you need to do. I'm a keep busy and do-practical-things person when shit hits the fan. Fuck anyone that thinks you should sit in your mourning weeds forever more.

FindingMeno · 14/07/2021 11:04

What we're told isn't one size fits all.
I never accepted or came to terms with my life changing bereavement - it was untimely and tragic. I sit alongside it and live round it.

honeylulu · 14/07/2021 12:37

Keeping occupied, getting out of the house and seeing people can massively help some people cope with grief. There is nothing "wrong " about that.

I lost my middle child in the second trimester. I delivered him on Saturday. I went into work as normal on Monday (I'd had a suspicion something was wrong and only my boss knew I was pregnant). The idea of sitting at home alone and weeping made me want to die. Don't get me wrong, I was heartbroken but going into the office and keeping occupied kept me going.

When my husband's brother died he went out a lot with his friends and other siblings. He seemed almost cheerful when out (he definitely wasn't at home). It just kind of seemed to give him what he needed to get through it.

Evenstar · 14/07/2021 12:54

Please don’t feel that you have to do what is “expected” I was widowed very suddenly at 43 and I think I made things worse at first by worrying about what was appropriate. As per PP though don’t fill every moment and allow yourself some space to grieve, you may find that will come naturally after the funeral and all the paperwork is dealt with. Do what feels right for you.

If you are under 50 may I recommend www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/ which is an amazing support group for young widows, they do have an affiliated group called WAY UP for people over that age.

foxyfemke · 14/07/2021 13:20

So sorry for your loss.

My dad went back to work the day after the funeral, about a week after mum died. He wanted to stay occupied and he didn't want to be alone in the house. I took a few weeks to get back to my work place at the time as dealing with the grief and keeping my family ticking over was already too much. Mum was ill and her death was non unexpected, although quicker than we had hoped.

It's different for everyone, so as long as YOU are comfortable, that's all that matters.

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