What's expected from a wife in a period of mourning?

[Cooldryplace]

I'm not sure I care too much about what's expected, but I'm a bit concerned it might look like I've got over it all very quickly, which is not the case at all, I'm devastated.

DH died 2 weeks ago and it's another week until the funeral.

I work in school and school have given me until the end of term as compassionate leave, which I very much appreciate.

I am devastated, but I don't see much benefit in sitting around being miserable and certainly not in making those around me miserable.

I have a wide group of friends and acquaintances and as is the case in hard times, some practically disappeared during DH's illness and some have been amazing. Some "aquaintances" have become good friends.

Anyway, my friends are on a mission to keep me busy, which is lovely, I've never had so many invitations!

In the last 2 weeks, I've been on lots of outdoor group activities, been out for lunch and been to watch the football in the pub. A friend plays in a band and they have their first gig in months this week, a mutual friend has tickets and has asked me to go. This will be a boozy night in the pub.

I'd like to go, both the friend in the band and the one who's invited me, are people who have been there for me over the last 6 months in a way I wouldn't have expected them to be, based on our prior relationship.

However, I'm wondering if effectively going out partying, a couple of days before the funeral is a step too far?

@GertrudeKerfuffle

I'm so sorry for your loss

I think there's no right and wrong way, and if you feel that being out helps, then do it. As a pp said, do allow yourself time to grieve and don't suppress your grief by being too busy. Anyone who judges you falls in the same camp as those 'friends' who disappeared on you. If you're out with good friends, they will be there to support you.

I've seen in friends and relatives of mine who have lost their OH to a long illness (not sure if this is the case for you) that the process of mourning and letting go has begun during the illness, and they have been ready to step out into the world sooner than people (like myself with both of my parents) who have lost people suddenly.

Exactly this. Grief doesn’t start at a funeral. You’ve already had to make adjustments to your expectations and manage that loss for months, you’ve been in a “holding” path of things getting worse but not being able to move forwards. Of course you need to move forwards now.

Absolutely definitely go on holiday while you can. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Anyone who judges you has no idea.
We don't live in Victorian times anymore. So there's no need to wear black lace for a year and cancel Christmas. Do whatever you need to do, if that means keeping busy then do exactly that. My mum had the kitchen re-done very soon after my DF passed away. But she'd deliberately not done anything to the house whilst he was ill as the disruption would have been detrimental to him.

I think you should fill your time with activity and company, it is a very common way to get you through the first shock of grief and something I also do.
From the other side I am living with cancer currently and very likely to predecease my DH.
I would hope his friends and our families will keep him company and invite him out when I'm gone.
I can't bear to think of him home alone brought low with grief.
So sorry for your loss

@Anoisagusaris

I went out for dinner with friends 2 days after my mother’s funeral. They asked what they could do and I said ‘keep me company, tell me your news, make me laugh, just don’t bloody tell me how awful it is’. Do what you need to do .

This.

Does it matter what other think? Do what makes YOU happy. Enjoy being with friends. Im sure your late husband wouldn’t like you moping about. Life goes on, keep going. The funeral will be a day to say goodbye and be sad.

For what it's worth, the Queen is attending public duties, smiling and in some cases, clearly enjoying herself, and that having recently lost her husband of 73 years. It would be preposterous of people to hold you to a higher expectation of public mourning.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. It must all feel very fresh.

I think the only things to consider are, are there other people who matter who will be hurt by this, i.e. children? And is there anything you're doing that could somehow be seen to reflect badly on his memory? If the answer to both is no, then do whatever you can do to get yourself through this time. If there are random friends or neighbours who are raising eyebrows, think of it as the equivalent to them raising an eyebrow to a choice you might have made as a couple to take a cruise/buy a new car/etc etc. Their opinion wouldn't have mattered then, so why should it now?

The only 'inappropriate' behaviour I have ever judged in the case of somehow who has lost their spouse is a friend's father. Their mother was also ill for years, and I think everyone accepted he had started grieving while she was still alive. And everyone was obviously hopeful he would move on. What he did however, was start a relationship with a 'family friend' (their now-adult children's former teenage babysitter) so quickly, and so publicly, that it made it look like he must have been having an affair while his wife was alive and didn't care who knew it. Tbh, even if he had have been, I think his children would have understood to some extent as their mother was so unwell. But he really was, essentially, flaunting this new younger woman: moved her into his home extremely quickly whereupon she threw out their mother's furniture, big lavish white wedding and basically no further mention of their mother. I always think how incredibly sad it is because he had children who wanted him to move on and be happy, and who would even have supported the relationship he ended up in, if he had just handled things a bit different in public/taken his time. It felt to them like he threw their mothers memory in their face and devalued the memory they had of their parents relationship.

I think those siblings have a pretty good reason to be upset with how their father handled their mother's passing. I don't think anything you describe would cause a loved one to feel hurt, or anyone who had been close to grief to think anything other than you were keeping busy. I would suggest waiting till after the funeral to think about things like redecorating, simply because there's a lot to process and you may find it makes more sense to take time.

But its a bit like when famous people die, and their obituaries show pictures of them when they were younger. At the end of someone's life, we take stock of the whole. At the end of your husband's life, and involuntary end of your relationship, you can reflect on the whole of your relationship not the period of illness at the end, and it makes sense you would want to do and think of things that weren't possible because of the illness.

All people are different how they deal with a bereavement. I personally can contain a great sadness,and keep things to myself, and just get on with life then.. Some people need a length of time to mourn.

Some circumstances would obviously be difficult to deal with, as in the cause of a death, or the age of the person who has passed away.

If you are up to it do go!

It is so sad when we lose someone but I promise you our loved ones would want to see us enjoying our lives.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

@Cooldryplace

I've seen in friends and relatives of mine who have lost their OH to a long illness (not sure if this is the case for you) that the process of mourning and letting go has begun during the illness, and they have been ready to step out into the world sooner than people (like myself with both of my parents) who have lost people suddenly.

Yes, there is definitely an element of this. He'd been bed bound for 6 months and not very lucid for the last 3 months, so I lost my husband, in many ways, several months ago.

Just wanted to send some of these your way

Everyone grieves differently.

I've realised over the course of today that the things I'm doing are things I would have done without DH anyway. A girly lunch, a sports event he wasn't interested in, a gig with people he doesn't know.

It would be much harder to go to something he should be at, like a holiday.

I asked DS1, 20yo, if he thought it was OK for me to go and he did this

@Cooldryplace

I've realised over the course of today that the things I'm doing are things I would have done without DH anyway. A girly lunch, a sports event he wasn't interested in, a gig with people he doesn't know.

It would be much harder to go to something he should be at, like a holiday.

I asked DS1, 20yo, if he thought it was OK for me to go and he did this

A holiday will do you good, absolutely go for it! The fact that you are a teacher during a pandemic, plus you've been caring for your husband who has now passed on, you need to take some time for yourself! Please remember that your health and wellbeing is far more important than other peoples opinions. Go on holiday and relax/have fun whatever it may be x

I jad a reunion lunch booked with some girlfriends the same week my husband suddenly died. I begged them to keep the date - I needed a distraction from telling people and talking about it and arranging everything.
Just taking yourself out of it for a few hours will help.

Do what feels right for you. We are all different, keeping busy and stimulated by things that mean you aren't thinking about your loss works for many people. Going out surrounded by good friends seems just fine to me.

Ps because of my job I'm often talking to people in your situation, many feel guilty because a bit of them is relieved and enjoying freedom, caring for a loved one is really hard. Take care of yourself

My sister lost her husband of 37 years to cancer 6 weeks ago. She had been his carer, at home, for years. She had a twilight life, always at home and missing out on a lot. I'm ecstatic to see her going out out to lunches, wineries, art galleries and spending time doing things she's had to put to one side. Embrace your new life - we only get one and it doesn't mean you didn't love your husband if you want to get on with yours.

I am so sorry for your loss.
This is not a time to be worrying about what others may be thinking. They won't be thinking anything because most people are very awkward and uncomfortable around grief. So it will make them more comfortable to see you not overwhelmed.
We all grieve differently and just because your not constantly crying or becoming a recluse has no bearing on the depth of the love for your husband.
You do what feels best for you.
I lost my husband, and l make sure l live the absolute best life l can for me, l refuse to let my husband's brain haemorrhage take both of us, and l know he would be proud of that.

When my brothers wife died he carried on almost as normal apart from booking a trip to come and stay with me for a couple of weeks. I was living abroad after he time and we had a really fun time. He loved his wife dearly but she had been ill for a long long time and I think he felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He was amazing to her and I think it's was a lot of pressure for him.

He wouldn't have given a shit what people thought. 💁🏻‍♀️

I'm a MN regular who's namechanged for this, as some details are too specific.

In different circumstances, my DH died suddenly.

Do exactly what you want to do, Cooldryplace. Especially in a time of pandemic when good times are fewer.

Two things happened to me, both from the same person who did not know me at all, i.e. infrequent guest at someone else's dinner.

Me: I'm going to see XXXX film.
Git: Do you really think you should? it's very emotional.
Me:

Me: I'm going to the funeral of a colleague's OH
Git: Do you think you should, so soon after your DH's?
Me: My colleague got off their sickbed and came my DH's funeral on crutches to support me, so yes, I'm going, you arsehole

I should add that at no point was I requiring their approval, or even opinion. They meant well is the best construction I can put on it, but they stand out as the only person who ever passed comment on my actions. I've not and never considered what other people think, and you can always tackle what they say.

Crack on.

@clowntrousers

When my best friend's husband died she did whatever she needed to to get though it. She would rather he were here with her but she has a life and is happy .

It's absolutely vital that you do what is right for you.

Some people will judge. They always do. They will judge you no matter what choices you make. Fuck them.

Grief is an incredibly personal thing. You are going through something very big and you
need to focus on looking after yourself.

People grieve in different ways and to different timescales.

I would have considered the evening out you describe as going to support a friend whose band are having their first gig in a long time, supporting live music.

Sorry to read of your loss.

When I lost someone very, very close, I just wanted to feel alive. Do what makes you happy, this bit before the funeral is weird anyway, it feels unreal, you’re sort of in limbo. You may feel differently afterwards, when it all really hits home.
I am sorry your husband died, I don’t know how you feel but I am sorry. Take care 💐

Most people have little idea about grief until they find themselves in it. Do whatever makes you feel better, not what they do in the movies. Its been shitty 18 months even without the death of a loved one so if you want to go out, then go out.

I recommend listening to Griefcast. It really is like free therapy.

Where I live there is an expectation that grieving people will follow a strict behaviour code. People were shocked when I returned to work a week after my mum died. I'd have gone back sooner if I didn't have to clear her house. Normally people take at least 2 months off sick. They also take a day off work on the anniversary of the death of each parent. I don't. Grieve in your own way. Only you know what's right for you. Go out and enjoy yourself.