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Original poster

What's expected from a wife in a period of mourning?

98 replies

Cooldryplace · 13/07/2021 11:15

I'm not sure I care too much about what's expected, but I'm a bit concerned it might look like I've got over it all very quickly, which is not the case at all, I'm devastated.

DH died 2 weeks ago and it's another week until the funeral.

I work in school and school have given me until the end of term as compassionate leave, which I very much appreciate.

I am devastated, but I don't see much benefit in sitting around being miserable and certainly not in making those around me miserable.

I have a wide group of friends and acquaintances and as is the case in hard times, some practically disappeared during DH's illness and some have been amazing. Some "aquaintances" have become good friends.

Anyway, my friends are on a mission to keep me busy, which is lovely, I've never had so many invitations!

In the last 2 weeks, I've been on lots of outdoor group activities, been out for lunch and been to watch the football in the pub. A friend plays in a band and they have their first gig in months this week, a mutual friend has tickets and has asked me to go. This will be a boozy night in the pub.

I'd like to go, both the friend in the band and the one who's invited me, are people who have been there for me over the last 6 months in a way I wouldn't have expected them to be, based on our prior relationship.

However, I'm wondering if effectively going out partying, a couple of days before the funeral is a step too far?

OP posts:
Foobydoo · 13/07/2021 12:10

Nothing should be expected of you, nothing at all. Just do whatever makes things easier for you.

Original poster
Cooldryplace · 13/07/2021 12:11

@Viviennemary

Yes I would say it was several steps too far since you did ask for opinions
Fair enough. Can I ask why?
OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 13/07/2021 12:14

I lost my DH in Jan to cancer. Those that matter won't judge - you need to do whatever you need to do to get through. Tbh staying in would have drove me mad !

wombatspoopcubes · 13/07/2021 12:16

Totally different but when my mum died I felt like I was going bonkers unless I was doing something or being with other people. So working and partying (I was in my twenties) were my method of coping.

Viviennemary · 13/07/2021 12:18

I suppose I am old fashioned and partying out at gigs doesnt seem appropriate before the funeral has even taken place. Its only three weeks. Plenty of time to get out and about afterwards.

Ifailed · 13/07/2021 12:18

OP, my partner died after a long illness 6 years ago. Like you, for the first few weeks I had friends filling my day and I got on with a lot of things that had been on hold.
It was only after the funeral, when people stopped paying me so much attention and a few months of adjusting did the reality of losing someone I'd been with for nearly 30 years hit home, that's when I started grieving.
Obviously I'm not suggesting the same will happen to you, but at this time when everything is changing it might be a while before you realise just how much your life has changed, and that there are some things that will never happen again.

Original poster
Cooldryplace · 13/07/2021 12:20

@Viviennemary

I suppose I am old fashioned and partying out at gigs doesnt seem appropriate before the funeral has even taken place. Its only three weeks. Plenty of time to get out and about afterwards.
Hmm, DH would have once said he had plenty of time...
OP posts:
Original poster
Cooldryplace · 13/07/2021 12:22

@Ifailed

OP, my partner died after a long illness 6 years ago. Like you, for the first few weeks I had friends filling my day and I got on with a lot of things that had been on hold. It was only after the funeral, when people stopped paying me so much attention and a few months of adjusting did the reality of losing someone I'd been with for nearly 30 years hit home, that's when I started grieving. Obviously I'm not suggesting the same will happen to you, but at this time when everything is changing it might be a while before you realise just how much your life has changed, and that there are some things that will never happen again.
Yes, I can absolutely see that coming. At the moment nothing is normal anyway, so I'm not missing the normal every day things, in the way that I will once the routine returns to "normal". That said, life hasn't been normal for us for almost a year.
OP posts:
WTFisNext · 13/07/2021 12:24

Sorry for your loss Flowers

You've watched your husband get progressively worse and stood by him that entire time. Your grieving has probably cycled up and down for the last year in various natural ways, privately and possibly publicly. Now your husband isn't suffering, nor are you tied to that suffering and you have a need to be with those who care about you and are supporting you. I personally think that's a healthy way to start making steps forward, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything that is harmful so keep doing what works.

Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind Dr Seuss. That's a pretty good yardstick for most things where you need to do the best for you/your family.

reprehensibleme · 13/07/2021 12:25

Really sorry for your loss. I agree with pp, with your husband dying after a long illness, I believe you've already been through a long period of mourning. It sounds as if you have a group of really stalwart friends. Do what you need to do to get you through - for me it has always been to keep busy, go through the motions and eventually going through the motions falls into just living.

justcheckingreally · 13/07/2021 12:26

No one can tell you really. Grief is so different for everyone. When my brother died I was completely fine on the beginning. 6 months later when everyone was over it I was a complete mess and kept getting sick. It took me that long to get over the shock. You will find it hits you at moment you don't realise. It comes in waves and at the moment that wave is very far from you probably due to shock.

joystir59 · 13/07/2021 12:28

Do whatever feels good OP, there is no right or wrong way to grieve and I too spent lots of time with good friends in the aftermath of my dear wife's death July 2nd 2020. It's just over a year now and it's now I'm needing time alone more, as I'm.actually exhausted and need to face decluttering my house and dealing with her clothes and possessions, which is quite a process but I'm ready to do this now. You be kind to yourself.

joystir59 · 13/07/2021 12:29

@Cooldryplace
And I have to say the shock of her illness, rapid decline (ovarian cancer) and death are still very much part of me- I may take years to process that shock. Life has changed forever, but we've still got to get on with it.

theleafandnotthetree · 13/07/2021 12:30

Your situation reminds me slightly of a woman I know who lost her husband to cancer. She was relatively young, a very lively and social sort of person and to some people, she was perceived to have gotten back out there socially with unseemly haste. I defended her in several conversations around that time. So the reality is that people probably WILL judge a bit and comment. Some people are easily able to shrug that off and focus on the people who they love and who love them - I am like that myself - but neither is it wrong to take SOME cognisance of how things look and maybe take it handier or slower (which is not the same thing as going around in deep mourning ) if that would quiet the niggling voice in your head. We are social animals and social conventions, rightly or wrongly do affect our behaviour and our comfort levels with doing things. There is no panic to do every thing that comes up, things will still be there to be done in 6 months or a years time.

MintyCedric · 13/07/2021 12:33

@Viviennemary

I suppose I am old fashioned and partying out at gigs doesnt seem appropriate before the funeral has even taken place. Its only three weeks. Plenty of time to get out and about afterwards.
I'm inclined to disagree. If you feel happy to get out and do things, then do them.

I lost my Dad 7 weeks ago (like your DH he had been ill for some time and in many way we had already lost him).

I felt relatively fine in the run up to the funeral which was nearly 4 weeks, but it hit me like a ton of bricks afterwards and I could barely function in my own home, let alone go out socialising.

My 82yo mum on the other hand, has already been out with Dad's former carer who she's had a crush on for several months, and signed up for Widows Dating Online...so if you're looking for examples of inappropriate behaviour...

FiveGoMadInDorset · 13/07/2021 12:36

There is no right way, DH died the weekend if a large festival in our village, we had friends staying and all are convinced he finally could let go as we had support. I didn’t care what people thought, we were surrounded by friends who gathered up the DC’s and me and celebrated DH’s life, he had been ill for three years, terminal for 18 months and in some ways it was a relief that he wasn’t suffering any more.

BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush · 13/07/2021 12:38

do whatever you want and need to do. My DH lost his son a year ago, after a long illness. He had in a way done so much grieving beforehand that he needed to try and find a new normal after the funeral.

We moved house, got a dog, went on holiday - made lots of big decisions that you aren't supposed to do.

It all helped him (and me). He's still grieving, he's desperately sad, but he knows his son wouldn't have wanted him to stop his life.

Emimummy · 13/07/2021 12:38

Hi OP, sorry to hear about your husband.
I know that if anything ever happened to me, I'd not want my husband having to worry about what others thought in terms of not grieving enough/long enough. If he got invited out by friends I'd want him to go. If he wanted a holiday I'd absolutely want him to go.
I'm sure your husband would want you to have all the same freedoms.
Life is unfortunately too short to worry about what others think so don't let anything stop you. Go do what makes you feel happy Flowers

BikeRunSki · 13/07/2021 12:44

DM nursed DDad and looked after him for 13 years with rapidly progressing Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. He spent the last 3 years of his life in a nursing home. DM had a place on VSO, which they took off her after DDad died, on this basis that they don’t offer places to people for 2 years after a bereavement. She said that she’d done her grieving years ago, and she really had. Do your own thing OP, everyone deals with bereavements differently. You don’t have to live you to your friends’ expectations.

doingadisservice · 13/07/2021 12:50

Grief is a personal journey.
You do yours and don't give what others think about it headspace.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 13/07/2021 12:53

You do you. Nobody will judge, I spent the period between the death and the funeral sitting at home or going for walks but it was only a week.

But when you do go out:
Grief will hit you hard. Nothing feels quite right and being in old haunts can be particularly difficult - ‘seeking’ the dead person is recognised behaviour in my (UK) community.
Alcohol is a depressant and going TT helped me
Some men prey on the recently bereaved. They may not even know they are doing it, but they admire the deceased’s lifestyle and see a vacancy. Don’t be me. Keep up the contraception, you don’t need hormone changes on top of it all.

DisgruntledPelican · 13/07/2021 12:55

Sorry for your loss Flowers

I agree with many PP that whatever you do in these immediate weeks, grief will catch you when you are perhaps least expecting it, like a ton of bricks. Please be kind to yourself.

Keepemguessing · 13/07/2021 13:07

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

You need to do what you need to do, there is no 'right' way to do grief.

Tal45 · 13/07/2021 13:07

You've been through so much over the last six months I'm sure :-( There's no point keeping yourself miserable in his memory, it won't bring him back. Surround yourself with love, have a wonderful time, do everything you want, life is short.

BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush · 13/07/2021 13:17

People will judge. I remember someone I thought of as a friend exclaiming that my husband had only taken a week off work when his son died.

He had no idea how much time he'd taken beforehand in the run up to his passing - and my husband needed work to ground him. I'm not sure he was terribly effective at work for quite a while - but that's what he needed to do.

We made sure we had people round us who loved us and didn't judge. But people will judge - you just have to get on with it and ignore that as much as you can.

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