Feeling like an awful parent (extra curricular activities)

[ToodlePipshh]

My child is 6 and doesn’t do any extra curricular activities. I’m starting to feel like a bad parent because of this. Her friends do so many activities and I feel like I’m failing her. As an example her close friend does swimming, ballet, tennis, piano, violin. That’s the norm in her class.

I did take her to free activities when she was little (eg library rhyme time and storytelling). She did ballet for 1 term but didn’t settle. She took Ukele lessons for 1 full year during reception but could not play anything by the end of it, despite saying she enjoyed it.

Covid has probably meant I’ve not given activities much thought, but there are other reasons she’s not doing anything outside school:

• She’s never expressed any interest in any activities
• I work FT and she’s in after school club.
• Finances are tight due to younger sibling‘s nursery fees and high outgoings (very expensive housing area)
• I never did extra curricular activities as a child, besides Brownies/Guides. Working class family- we didn’t have the money. It does upset me that I have no lifelong hobbies/ sports of interest. Eg I paid for swimming lessons in my 20s as I’d not been taught as a child. I don’t do any regular paid activities, although both us parents exercise regularly for free.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I just feel really bad that I can’t afford/ don’t have the time for all these activities that her classmates do. I know I need to book her into something, I’m really confused about what to prioritise and what she’ll get most benefit from.

I think she’s coasting at school. Doing fine, but doesn’t seem to talk about anything she does at school. Her writing does not look much different to last year. She is well behaved, but I think she could be better engaged.

Sorry ukele was 2 terms in reception (cut short due to Covid)

Don't feel bad. Multiple instruments plus others is excessive.

I'd prioritise swimming for now. And Rainbows/brownies.

Honestly OP don't sweat it.

My kids do 2 each, one of which is swimming so kind of crucial, and I refused to get sucked into the OTT extra curricular nonsense.

As a teacher I can assure you that the burn-out children receive from doing evening activities nearly every night of the week can be extremely harmful. As long as your child is happy, has plenty of fun and makes the most of her free time that's far more valuable than doing ballet that she will probably quit when she's still very young!

I would also prioritise swimming and Rainbows.
Or maybe ballet if the waiting list for Rainbows is too long.

I don't understand why you say no time for her to have any activities outside school... Not even one half hour session or drop off one night..

Can she swim? Personally I'd prioritise that... Not as an activity but life skill.

Scouting be it beavers or rainbows is cheap and worth a shot... £10 a month near me. I used to drop off, do supermarket shop and pick up on way home

Don't spend your life comparing with others particularly when you are friends with people pushing such little children into so many activities however I do think it is a good idea to find out about swimming lessons you can get her into.

You are not a bad parent.

This was me 6 years ago with my first child. I also didn't have any activity as a child like you. Just brownies.

Child now is 12. I really regret not providing more opportunity for her to try things. It's likely your dd won't express an interest as they don't know what they don't know.

There are host of reasons why I didn't do more for my child and those same reasons (my illness/ marriage breakdown) could be why she isn't confident and isn't sure of herself. Who knows. I just know I'd do my best to do it differently with the benefit of hindsight.

Maybe see what she can try out. Even if you pick one thing at a time. Give her an opportunity.

Don't beat yourself up though.

You're definitely not failing her! Extra curricular activities are just that - extras, not necessities, and there have been hardly any activities going on during Covid anyway.
I agree with PP - if there's nothing she's hugely interested in, swimming lessons (if affordable and manageable with your other commitments) would be a good place to start, and Rainbows is a nice and generally quite cheap one too. Alternatively are there any school based clubs she could do which are cheap or free?

But I honestly think some parents go too far the other way with tons of activities and sometimes it's nice for DC to just have downtime too.

I'd agree swimming and rainbows as a priority. Swimming is important and rainbows then brownies has been great for my kids.

We are the same OP. My kids swim on Saturdays. And DD1 plays an instrument. But that’s it. DD2 wants to dance/ do gymnastics but I haven’t got round to it. They are in after school childcare so there isn’t time after school. But honestly, they can do too much. I know kids who are exhausted from doing something every night. You are doing fine.

Not failing at all. You are comparing yourself to a very small group of people who don’t necessarily represent the whole range. We used school clubs one evening instead of after school club if that’s possible - so did football club instead of after school club

From my experience, kids find the school day itself exhausting enough and need to unwind afterwards, and have quiet time to themselves. Imagine if, every day after a tiring day at work, you were immediately whisked off to do endless “activities “.
Sometimes I think kids just need time and space to “be”.

Speaking from childhood experience as my daughter is younger, swimming and music would be my priorities. Learning to read music is great for your brain and can open up a whole world of social activities later on like playing in local kids' orchestras etc. It could spark a lifelong interest, or at least one she can pursue through her school career. Not surprised it didn t click during reception but 6 is likely a better age.

When my kids were 6 and 3 we visited my sister, with kids of 6 and 4.

Niece was learning piano and recorder. Nephew was learning Chinese (in a child-friendly way). They had formal swimming lessons.

I was freaking out in full OMG We Are Failing Our Children mode when niece pushed nephew and burst into tears, after which I felt a lot better!

Unless your daughter's planning on being a professional soloist - and I really think you'd have noticed something by now - there's plenty of time for her to learn an instrument or three. My boys started at school in years 4/5 and both got Grade 8 in Year 11 (ridiculously late by Mumsnet standards and didn't quite manage the National Youth Orchestra but S1 is enjoying orchestras at university).

I'm not convinced that swimming is that important tbh, so long as they can keep themselves afloat if they fall in.

Everyone has school issues at the moment. Once things settle down she'll get back into the swing of things. Just keep providing age-appropriate reading matter.

(Niece and nephew are now delightful young adults, by the way, both studying natural sciences and sometimes playing in bands!)

Was coming on to say swimming and rainbows too!
Swimming on a weekend because my DC can’t handle any more then one after school club in a week. She’s tired out enough by school.
Swimming for the exercise and life skill and rainbows to make friends outside of school and have fun.
No pressure, no competition and no burn out!

Six? I feel much sorrier for her friend who's in a dozen different structured activities than I do for her.

I agree with the others about swimming, because that has the potential to save her life or enable her to save someone else's. Anything else can wait until she expresses an interest.

I'm all for water safety. Swimming lessons may help but what would be more useful is water safety. Our local rec centre teaches how not to drown which is quite different to swimming. Look at kids in pools and at the beach /lake, they don't swim, they splash and clown about.

My kids did do all the ballet/violin/gymnastics etc but I don't think you need to rush particularly, 9 or 10 is a good age to get involved in music or theatre. Team sports can be a lot of fun and art can be very restorative. Brownies/Scouts are brilliant for fun and inclusion.

Pick one or two on a couple of years maybe.

Dd is almost 9 she doesn’t do extra curricular activities. I’ve asked if she wants to do things and she’s said no. I’m not gonna force her. Fingers crossed she will want to do things soon so I can get her out of the house.

Depends on the child what is right.
DD1 did about 3 activities during the week: Swimming, ballet, and Rainbows.
DD2 did at least one every night barring one, and one on Saturday too.
Ds did none.

That was what was right for them all. Dd2 loved the excitement of going out and doing something different. Ds needed his time at home to chill.

I would say swimming lessons are important. It's an important life skill and great as an adult when doing the strokes properly. Easy, cheap form of exercise.

And one more activity that gets her meeting kids her age but not from her school. My dd does cubs.

Don’t worry OP you have plenty of time. I don’t have children old enough yet, but based on what I know I would recommend:

• Swimming
• Another sport that will help coordination (tennis, football, ballet, climbing etc etc): physical literacy is set early in life and hard to catch-up if not developed (and there is much evidence to show that girls prosper if they play sports - In particular mixed team sports)

I was coming on to say during lockdown mine did not miss much of what we did. All of mine can “swim” aka the larking about that someone above recommended
They were doing amazing gymnastics but did not mention it all and dh is out of work and we are on uc now so def out of our reach

You do get a terms worth of swimming lessons in y3 i think? Maybe that is only our school.
We still do piano but i wonder if we will drop some of that tbh

Hopefully finances will feel better once free hours kick in. From September the school might do additional clubs that she could join cheaply. I would try for swimming like others if and when money allows though. Mine probably does too many but it felt like a route to normality out of lockdown when there was nothing else to do.

Can you compress your hours at all so you get the odd early finish?

a child will never just wake up one day and say take me to tennis. you need to introduce her to some of these options in life.
yes, to prioritizing swimming regardless of interest, knowing to to save yourself should you be pushed or fall in is important.

I do think swimming is important.

Rainbows and Brownies is pretty cheap if finances are an issue, DS does Cubs and it's only £10 a month.

Do you have free time at the weekends if not after school? DS does football, swimming and horse riding all at the weekends.