Feeling like an awful parent (extra curricular activities)

[ToodlePipshh]

My child is 6 and doesn’t do any extra curricular activities. I’m starting to feel like a bad parent because of this. Her friends do so many activities and I feel like I’m failing her. As an example her close friend does swimming, ballet, tennis, piano, violin. That’s the norm in her class.

I did take her to free activities when she was little (eg library rhyme time and storytelling). She did ballet for 1 term but didn’t settle. She took Ukele lessons for 1 full year during reception but could not play anything by the end of it, despite saying she enjoyed it.

Covid has probably meant I’ve not given activities much thought, but there are other reasons she’s not doing anything outside school:

• She’s never expressed any interest in any activities
• I work FT and she’s in after school club.
• Finances are tight due to younger sibling‘s nursery fees and high outgoings (very expensive housing area)
• I never did extra curricular activities as a child, besides Brownies/Guides. Working class family- we didn’t have the money. It does upset me that I have no lifelong hobbies/ sports of interest. Eg I paid for swimming lessons in my 20s as I’d not been taught as a child. I don’t do any regular paid activities, although both us parents exercise regularly for free.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I just feel really bad that I can’t afford/ don’t have the time for all these activities that her classmates do. I know I need to book her into something, I’m really confused about what to prioritise and what she’ll get most benefit from.

I think she’s coasting at school. Doing fine, but doesn’t seem to talk about anything she does at school. Her writing does not look much different to last year. She is well behaved, but I think she could be better engaged.

Agree with a few suggestions regarding summer swimming weeks (we found progress made was faster than in weekly lessons ) or a multiactivity camps these could be drama and dance style ones too. I have a young adult DD who did some martial arts lessons as a child that have really helped in some tricky situations with using an instinctive block and run approach.She went for fun and exercise but I am very grateful for that instinct now.

I understand, as I came from a similar background as a child, never having done anything at home that wasn’t provided in school time.
Don’t let other families approaches make you feel guilty, your children are cared for and loved, so youre a great mum. But if you now want to offer them other activities to try then there are options that don’t have to run you ragged or cost a lot.

There are now so many opportunities to try things now during school holidays. Locally our leisure centres, swimming pools, sports groups (tennis clubs, cricket teams, football club, martial arts), skate parks, local art gallery, libraries, music services, museums, history groups (bit niche) all put on holiday activities over the summer. They are normally free or cost just a pound or two a session. We’ve taken advantage of lots of them. Some the kids like, some they don’t, but it’s an opportunity to give something a go to find out.
Alternatively for parents in ft work, leisure centres, outward bound centres, gymnastic clubs, youth theatre groups, football teams, stables, all offer full day childcare incorporating activities that give kids the chance to have a go.
Whether my kids want to pursue something or not has always been less important than being willing to have a go and try something new. They don’t then have to do it every week if they love it, if doesn’t fit in with life, as there are other school holidays to look forward to. Lots of hobbies don’t need organised lessons or clubs either, just their enthusiasm. Most of the kids doing 5 after school clubs will drop them to never do it again anyway. They just tried it for longer. Very, very few will continue to adulthood something they started at 5 and even fewer will become experts at it.
If you go on mailing lists or ask around then hopefully you’ll find something for this summer as most are only just getting their activity lists out now due to not knowing what will run due to regulations.

Good luck OP and don’t feel guilty. Mum guilt is the worst and shouldn’t be our burden. We are all doing our best.

@Nonmaquillee

From my experience, kids find the school day itself exhausting enough and need to unwind afterwards, and have quiet time to themselves. Imagine if, every day after a tiring day at work, you were immediately whisked off to do endless “activities “. Sometimes I think kids just need time and space to “be”.

^this.

My son is now 8 and does Cubs and swimming. He also likes cricket, so has just completed Dynamos. He's sad it ended but our local club youth team clashes with Cubs and he says he enjoys Cubs more.
We are in the minority at our school as there are a lot of pushy/hot-housing parents. There are also a lot of over-anxious and quite frankly knackered children.

My son was having piano lessons at 6 but we stopped because it's important to remember that it's not just the lesson itself, you have to factor in daily practice. He told me he worked all day at school and besides homework (which is just reading and spelling) he just wanted to play with his Lego!

The pursuit of busyness is incredibly damaging to our society. I think it's fine if you are the sort of child/adult who thrives on being very busy - but we have to stand up for those who like to be at home in quiet activity.
We had no money when I was growing up, I didn't even do Brownies. I did spend hours and hours reading everything on the shelves at my small town library.

Wrote all that and took so long, so missed update. Yes, summers are great for this!

That all sounds positive, OP. I just wanted to add that we are one of those families whose DCs do loads of activities (or used to, before covid). But we managed it by doing as much in or around as school as possible - e.g. music lessons through the school (and so happening during the school day), and then various after-school clubs that were on the school premises at 3.30pm (e.g. gymnastics and street dance through an external sports company, or French and code club organised by school staff). This meant that the DCs could stay at school, do a club at 3.30pm while they were still quite fresh, and then go to after school club (as in wraparound care) and chill until I picked them up after work. There's no way we would manage any structured activities (apart from Brownies) after I picked them up at 5.30! The after-school activities at our school are/were really popular, and not too expensive (a term's gymnastics was £46 IIRC). They also offered a couple of activities before school or at lunchtime (e.g. choir or multisports). I don't know if anything like that is an option for you? Basically, I tried to find things to keep them busy/interested, while also minimising late evenings and/or ferrying them around!

Ours is around £120 for the next 13 week term, but I'd imagine it will vary depending on hall prices where you live.

The biggest difference seemed to that they work on improvisation and it's just drama, no dance or singing. The other clubs worked to musical theatre scripts which means there always needs to be a principal cast, leaving the bulk of the class as chorus (and a bit bored). This one seems to have scripts tailored to the class, so the plays are very random, but the kids get largely equal airtime and lots of input into developing the stories and staging.

So the shows are pretty terrible in comparison to the other clubs in terms of a 'polished' finished product, but that's because the children have actually have the chance to engage and develop the material and use their imaginations.

My daughter was in a school production, and I know some of the people who were running it through my own drama stuff, and they made a point of telling me how confident she was and how she had a real understanding of the audition piece. So despite it seeming quite random and not as structured, for us, it was way better than the more formal classes because it works on encouraging the basic skills of confidence and imagination, rather than singing and dancing.

I think opportunities for children are very important and they shouldn’t miss out on them just because of siblings. I’d rather cut back on everything to ensure they got to try things, how else are they meant to discover likes, passions, talents etc.

I wouldn't worry about it at all. Dd doesn't do any currently. She did swimming, dancing, piano, running, brownies but none of them really stuck and became a passion. She's about to start secondary school and is looking forward to joining some clubs there.

The boys do cricket/swimming and football/cadets. But the littlest has only just started his clubs after not wanting to do anything for years.

Mine do a fair bit - but nowhere near as much as some of their friends who are at uber expensive 1 to 1 lessons for tennis, piano etc every single night.

My girls do Cubs (weeknight), kickboxing (weekend), swimming (weekend) and the eldest does singing lessons every fortnight (to give her the feeling of getting something away from her sibling). The kickboxing was a relatively recent development - they wanted to do it along with their mates - mates are now moving away from the area, but DD1 in particular really really seems to enjoy it, and the fitness/mindfulness element of it I think is good (and the instructors are very good - unlike some kids' activities where it's just bums on seats - they've rang me to try to work on ways around DD2's coordination difficulties and support her)

It's very easy to get into the trap of scheduling something for EVERY night - we really cut back the weeknight activities and that's about a decent fit for us.

I always wanted to do more extra curricular activities! I was one of those children who enjoyed structured things and I had plenty of down time in the summers when there was nothing on.

I agree that swimming is important and should be prioritised.

Music lessons are great for overall development. The short, sometimes group, school lessons aren't always great for actually making progress though - some teachers are brilliant at this, but others not so much. If she enjoys music, maybe there would be an individual after school lesson she could go to. If children make noticeable progress on an instrument, they are more likely to want to continue, and a one-to-one lesson that definitely happens for a decent length of time each week, (rather than pairs or threes, 20 min, half of it spent taking instruments out of cases and getting ready, half the lessons missed because of timetable changes, etc) can make a lot of difference. I always wished I'd started more music lessons earlier - not because it's impossible to start later and get really good, but because somehow there is something about being good at a younger age that leads to more opportunities being available, which then make you better, and it sort of feeds on itself. I was 9 when I started violin, and used to look at those who started at 5 with awe, because they were so good and got chosen for all the children's orchestras and school things etc., even though they weren't necessarily inordinately talented - but they'd been playing for longer, and then being chosen for things gave them more experience and more confidence etc and they ended up being the ones who carried on (also due, obviously, to home factors, talent, support etc)

So getting into music lessons in Year 1 or 2 could be great if she seems to have a talent in that.

But trying out lots of activities, and then picking one or two that she seems to enjoy - ice skating or diving or singing or whatever - and trying it out seriously enough or with good enough teachers that she can find out if she wants to do it, is a sensible idea. I think trying out activities too superficially/casually can be a mistake, as you never really get very good at any of them, and that feeling of success can be motivating. It's great for starting to choose activities, though.

For our family, the extra-curricular things were more about mixing with different groups of people and new experiences than learning a "skill".

My two boys both did Beavers/Cubs/Scouts and swimming. The younger one does drama, the older one went to a (free) coding club in the library. The drama in particular (local school, not a franchise) has been brilliant for building confidence. They both did swimming and were offered short term and fairly cheap courses in other sports - older one did 8 weeks of golf for £10 (total, not per lesson) and younger one did tennis for the same price.

DD did Rainbows/Brownies/Guides and now volunteers once a week with Rainbows as a helper and loves it. She has been doing dancing since she was 3, not exams or medals. This has been brilliant for her as most of the girls at dancing go to a different school and it's given her a whole new circle of friends.

None of my kids are musical, DH and I aren't musical and unlike many on MN I don't see music as the be all and end all.

For music lessons, definitely go through the school - so much less hassle!
Also you might find that the after-school club options increase next year (if the bubble rules relax?!) and as your DD gets older - my son’s school has a lot more KS2 clubs, maybe as the kids are more able to concentrate and are not too tired at the end of the day.

My kids did not do swimming lessons, we took them to the rec.centre and taught them to swim through playing. Aged 6, we just went running in the park twice a week (with the dog,) and swimming once a week as a family.

Aged 8 they took up piano because my grandad died and left us his piano. The teacher came to the house after school (he did our suburb on Wednesdays so was easy for us all).

And then from age 10ish just did running/swimming as before until 16 when one did air cadets, and the other stuck with her academic stuff. Both are happy, fit, and sociable young adults at uni.

The only thing I would say is that if they do not go off to do activities, the onus is on parents to keep them active and doing something. That can be hard work. We didn't really realise what free time was until dd started at air cadets!

[quote ToodlePipshh]@ladygindiva really interesting to hear from your daughter’s experience. I’m pretty similar- I have advanced quite far in my career without clubs and the weekly tuition my friends all had. However, I’m not that well coordinated and don’t have hobbies, so think from that aspect I might have missed out. But I could do something about it now if I felt really motivated to!![/quote]
If you would like them to have a hobby then I would recommend trying multi activity holiday weeks and then only doing one or maybe two activities at a time.

I have seen children with well rounded schedules doing an activity a night and actually not end up with a long term hobby because it is just about the parents wanting them to have lots of activities. So if the child turns out to actually be interested in a hobby they don't get the chance to develop that interest because they are booked up with their correct mix of sport/music/languages.

@ToodlePipshh Have you considered junior parkrun on Sunday mornings. There may be one near to you. It's free. You don't have to attend every week if you don't want to and you can run/jog/walk alongside your daughter with your 2 year old.

My DD is 6, and only does Rainbows. DD1 is older and does Brownies. DD1 used to go to swimming lessons pre-covid and DD2 was on the waiting list to start, but the lessons never restarted after covid and I don't know if they will (they were at DH's workplace so he received all the info to his work email and hasn't chased it up). DD1 did a couple of different after-school activity clubs for a term or so each (French, archery) but they aren't happening because of covid so DD2 has never had the chance.
I would have liked them to have more opportunities to try instruments/ sports/ languages/ whatever, but money is an issue, all these things are expensive, and I work random unpredictable shifts and can't drive and it's not fair on DH to have to be constantly taking them places and picking them up. There were instrument lessons at school that I was going to sign DD1 up to, but they were before school started, a parent had to attend and you couldn't bring siblings so that was impossible when both parents work.

I think that you sound very sensible OP. For what it's worth my DD were swimming and doing Brownies/Rainbows at that age too. Swimming lessons were through the local council and half the price of the private swim school lessons offered at local gyms etc. Tuition was good and they are both excellent swimmers now, though that's probably because they carried on with lessons through their early teenage years, DD1 finally stopped multi aquatic when she was sixteen because that was the age the teens are kicked out DD1 also did gymnastics through primary school, firstly because she was a spectacularly uncoordinated toddler and I wanted her to have some focused teaching so that she'd cope in school PE lessons and then because she enjoyed it. We avoided dance lessons because they are so expensive, not necessarily the lessons themselves but the associated costs of shoes, uniforms, costumes for shows and tickets for shows etc which we couldn't have afforded then. Both of mine started music lessons at year 3, that was soon enough I think. Like you I wanted them to have the opportunities that I hadn't had. However I also think unstructured "down time" is really, really important for children so that they can learn how to occupy themselves, I liked the term "benign neglect", I was there to respond but not to always be directing play. My children did a lot of drawing and cutting and sticking and general painting, play doh and unstructured craft and both are now very creative as teens.

I think at your child’s age clubs and hobbies should be about learning to try things and confidence to join clubs. If they try piano it doesn’t matter if they decide they don’t like it if they then have the confidence to try guitar or something else later. I was introduced to music at school but tbh state school music provision is now very patchy and here it’s poor. I’ve just signed my nearly 8 yr old up for guitar club so he can try it.
He also does swimming and football (a skills type class not a team).

Music and sport are both things that it’s easy to write yourself off as “not musical or not sporty” without actually trying them. I’m keen my dc get some exposure.

Ask from a very working class family and didn't do any activities because budget was tight. I didn't really notice I was missing out. If you can afford just one, I'd really recommend swimming lessons. I found it hard to find adult swimming lessons in my local area. Most of them seemed to be aimed at retired people and took place during the working day. The few classes I found in the evening were booked up really quickly as soon as dates were released. It took about 2 years for me to finally get booked into lessons.

My dd is 5 and doesn’t do any. The problem is she has an older brother who is 13 and I have to organise around and he has SEND. He does football but that’s it. My dd would like dance but it would mean taking both dc and sitting outside for an hour and I’m not sure ds would cope with it.
Also to be honest, I’m exhausted nearly all the time and right now anything extra feels too much.

@ToodlePipshh

My child is 6 and doesn’t do any extra curricular activities. I’m starting to feel like a bad parent because of this. Her friends do so many activities and I feel like I’m failing her. As an example her close friend does swimming, ballet, tennis, piano, violin. That’s the norm in her class.

I did take her to free activities when she was little (eg library rhyme time and storytelling). She did ballet for 1 term but didn’t settle. She took Ukele lessons for 1 full year during reception but could not play anything by the end of it, despite saying she enjoyed it.

Covid has probably meant I’ve not given activities much thought, but there are other reasons she’s not doing anything outside school:

• She’s never expressed any interest in any activities
• I work FT and she’s in after school club.
• Finances are tight due to younger sibling‘s nursery fees and high outgoings (very expensive housing area)
• I never did extra curricular activities as a child, besides Brownies/Guides. Working class family- we didn’t have the money. It does upset me that I have no lifelong hobbies/ sports of interest. Eg I paid for swimming lessons in my 20s as I’d not been taught as a child. I don’t do any regular paid activities, although both us parents exercise regularly for free.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I just feel really bad that I can’t afford/ don’t have the time for all these activities that her classmates do. I know I need to book her into something, I’m really confused about what to prioritise and what she’ll get most benefit from.

I think she’s coasting at school. Doing fine, but doesn’t seem to talk about anything she does at school. Her writing does not look much different to last year. She is well behaved, but I think she could be better engaged.

Omg OP don't worry, there's so much crazy pressure for kids to be doing 100 things. Downtime, rest time, nice relaxing home time is super important too and she's already at after school club. She has a lot with that and school already! I think that it is also possible for kids to be over scheduled so that they don't know how to then intuitively create their own creative imaginative play. I think you're both doing great and of she's happy and balanced that's all you need.

My child has done Helen O'Grady drama for years and enjoys it, I would definitely look into that. Cost may vary as they are individual franchises, but you may be able to get a trial lesson.

One of my kids goes to 5 different activities, you would all hate him. He does football, basketball, golf, piano and Boys Brigade. He does all of those because his pals go, he likes them, they're local and he can walk to them on his own or we share lifts with his pals. And apart from the piano they're cheap. But he's never going to get particularly good at any of them because he does too much. That's his personality though, he loves being on the go, he loves being around people, he's happy. Oh and he does Glee Club at school at lunchtime.

His brother doesn't really do anything. He likes being at home, he's happy with his school pals, they play Warhammer and some sort of Magic card game thing. He reads, we watch lots of films together. We're all different.

But I agree with others that if you don't give your kid an idea of what's out there they won't know what they might want to try. So there is a happy medium.

My kids are probably at opposite ends of the spectrum