Feeling like an awful parent (extra curricular activities)

[ToodlePipshh]

My child is 6 and doesn’t do any extra curricular activities. I’m starting to feel like a bad parent because of this. Her friends do so many activities and I feel like I’m failing her. As an example her close friend does swimming, ballet, tennis, piano, violin. That’s the norm in her class.

I did take her to free activities when she was little (eg library rhyme time and storytelling). She did ballet for 1 term but didn’t settle. She took Ukele lessons for 1 full year during reception but could not play anything by the end of it, despite saying she enjoyed it.

Covid has probably meant I’ve not given activities much thought, but there are other reasons she’s not doing anything outside school:

• She’s never expressed any interest in any activities
• I work FT and she’s in after school club.
• Finances are tight due to younger sibling‘s nursery fees and high outgoings (very expensive housing area)
• I never did extra curricular activities as a child, besides Brownies/Guides. Working class family- we didn’t have the money. It does upset me that I have no lifelong hobbies/ sports of interest. Eg I paid for swimming lessons in my 20s as I’d not been taught as a child. I don’t do any regular paid activities, although both us parents exercise regularly for free.

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble. I just feel really bad that I can’t afford/ don’t have the time for all these activities that her classmates do. I know I need to book her into something, I’m really confused about what to prioritise and what she’ll get most benefit from.

I think she’s coasting at school. Doing fine, but doesn’t seem to talk about anything she does at school. Her writing does not look much different to last year. She is well behaved, but I think she could be better engaged.

Do you do stuff together as a family ie swimming, art, football at the park etc? I don’t think she needs lessons if you’re already doing it - do you have a garden because you could pick up a cheap badminton set and play that, or cook and garden together.

Get her into swimming lessons - important skill for life and means you’ll relax more when they’re near water.

I’d also recommend scouting or guiding for a wide range of activities. In the meetings, she will also find out what other people do outside school, and if you encourage her to let you know what she wants to try, she’ll get ideas from there.

Might be worth checking if there are any free activities for older kids in your area. Our council leisure center dose free after school sports a couple of times a week, and I think there's also a tennis scheme in the local park.

Don't sweat it op. My DD does quite a few activities but it's driven by her because she is sporty - we don't do music it's so expensive. She's year 4 in September and they do some kind of whole class instrument learning so we will see how that goes.
My DS is also 6 and he hates organised activities! He does do swimming and quite likes it but that's it. I'll just leave it, aside from swimming which is a safety thing il sure he will get into something when he gets older.
It's hard when you work long hours. You might find something comes up at school that she wants to join in the end

Just get her swimming for safety

My son has no interest whatsoever in clubs. He has been learning piano but is very clear he prefers to play with his friends after school, or we do loads of craft and art, ride his bike or watch TV. I’m fine with it. I’m more surprised how much you friends DC 6 is doing. I do think DC need some space after a long day.

My 6 year old does Beavers, and that’s it. His brother (9) does Cubs and karate.

You might find that next term the schoo starts tuning after school extra-curricular activities that she can do, and they’ll send her on to after school club afterwards. Those are usually less expensive than private activities. I think our school does football, athletics, drama, dance club, recorder club etc.

My DC is coming into her 3rd year of school (4th year of school environment) and during Nursery and Reception would not have coped with anything extra where she had to listen and obey..

Now after an effectively repeated year (moved to a country with a different cut off) she needs the extra organised exercise after school, so does a multi sport club and tennis and will start music next term. Might do one more sport occasionally/summer camp weeks.

I'm still looking for swimming lessons (wait list isn't open to new entrants thanks to Covid) which would be my main priority if they were possible.

It totally depends on the child at what point activities are worth doing.

Please don't feel bad. I'm a SAHM (so no work pressure!) and my DD(7) does swimming lessons, and that's it. She was doing Rainbows but that stopped last March, and then she got too old and she's still on the waiting list for Brownies. We went to story time at the library as well but that's stopped too.

DS(3) goes to preschool, and we go to toddler group once a week. When he's older he'll go to swimming lessons and Beavers/Cubs etc. No other plans unless he wants to do something else, same as DD.

How about trying different things as school holiday clubs?
I totally understand you have difficult circumstances but I would definitely do swimming lessons at least. Clubs outside of school take the pressure off those friendships and give wider experience/ context. We do tonnes (too much probably) but I work school hours and live next door to school so have plenty of time. It is something I consciously prioritized though as I was never taken to clubs as a child

She’s only 6. I think this obsession with activities can be counter productive. I agree swimming is important but I’d be led by her in other things as she grows up. If the try stuff too young they often give up as they are not really ready.

My dd does dance and cheer. I feel that is more than enough. I noticed that it seems to be a sort of badge of honour the more you can crow about how much your dc do as extra curricular and just how manic your life is fitting it all in. dd recently asked to do gymnastics, I said no.

people are also obsessed with swimming lessons. dd never had them...I took her myself before she went to school full time and we continue to go , just for fun! in contrast two of her friends whose mums were swimming lesson obsessed , once the lessons stopped..never go.

of course my dd would probably never have asked to start tap dance....I took her because she was always dancing in the house..I thought she would enjoy it..Actually she was quite reluctant initially..but that was 6 years ago and she still loves it!

Also I only work pt....its easy for me to take her to dance..If I was working ft I think it would have been very different, I certainly wouldn't have had a ft job and spent my evenings running all over town. don't get drawn into that

Ukele in reception ? That sounds far too young for someone to play a stringed instrument. I would think hand strength would make it harder.
6/7 years is a better age imv.
Tennis? No one enjoys things they are bad at or worse at than others. She needs to do it til she can do it quite well. Ball games are v good for eyesight, it's not just the running around. Some places run art classes in the holidays for young DCs to try things, perhaps that.

I agree with @fallfallfall that a child is very unlikely to ask to be taken to an activity they know nothing about. You might get lucky and they see something on TV/ youtube and express an interest, but generally, unless you take them to try, they are never going to know if they like it or not.

My DS was actually frightened of his main sport at first and cried at the lessons. I was almost certain he would really enjoy it if he got over the stage of being overwhelmed by all the technical stuff, so I had to bribe him through the first 10 lessons. I was right, by week 11 he didn't want to stop and 3 years later he is obsessed.

Primary school is the time to dabble in a number of things, then by 10/11yo you can narrow it down to stuff they actually like/ have taken to.

Personally, I think it's good for a child to have something going on out of school, because it takes the pressure off those relationships and gives them a different space to be in if they have a rough day/ week at school. School could be a bit claustrophobic if that was all you had.

OP here.Thanks for all the replies which I’ve read with interest- quite surprised by the amount of replies so thank you! Thank you also for being so kind as I’ve posted before about other things and had some rude unnecessary replies, which has scared me off posting!

I forgot to say that my daughter goes to Rainbows. She enjoys it and is starting to make friends. I guess I wasn’t including that as an after school activity because it’s not learning a particular skill, so I’m heartened to read your replies and see that the benefits are widely recognised.

I’m going to look into swimming lessons today, I agree with everyone saying it’s an important life skill and should be prioritised. I’m also going to book a pool session as I don’t take her swimming enough.

Really interesting to hear your views on reading music helping with cognitive development and sports with physical literacy. These are things I never got the chance to do and it’s too late for me now and that makes me sad. I do want to give my daughter these opportunities I never had.

Also I had no idea that you can put them into school clubs, then staff take them to after school club. I didn’t realise this is how it works. I just assumed you had to pick them up and take them. I’m going to look into what the school offers.

I can fit in 2 things in the school week as I finish earlier on 2 days - 1 day being rainbows. I think I’ll need to give over a morning each weekend, probably to swimming. We’ve always had the weekends to do what we want, but we’re so bored of going to the National Trust properties near us, that’s all we tend to do and local parks (riding bike etc). We don’t do swimming or play sports. We do some crafts but it’s tricky with a 2 year old who wants to get involved. I have a stressful job so I avoid doing too much at the weekend as I need to wind down. I’d love to go down to 4 days but can’t afford to right now.

I think the families in our school are very high achieving/ have great expectations for their children, so it’s helpful to have different perspectives. I‘m definitely in a bit of a bubble, because I know deep down that doing 5/6 activities a week is excessive for a 6 year old. It’s just the norm here, so it’s made me question if this is the new norm and expected somehow

Quite a few children do Stagecoach, which I’ve looked into but is so expensive. I like the idea of helping to build self esteem and resilience which my daughter is lacking. I’ve seen our sister school offers Helen O’Grady... would this be good for a 6 year old? Is it expensive?

Don't worry op. At that age, you've organised more than I had. Just look around for things she might do now.

My ds started a karate class at 6 and swimming lessons at 8. He's good at both now, enjoys them and the swimming has given him a bit of confidence at sport so worth it I think.

Swimming lessons is a bit of a cult thing. It’s definitely more important for them to learn and understand the dangers of water properly than it is for them to be able to swim a mile aged 7 or to be able to do butterfly.
Many drowning deaths occur in people who can swim but make a bad decision about safe behaviour in or near water. I’ve also seen quite a lot of parents (my own included) make very poor judgements about open water safety because their children can swim so well in a pool.
Don’t worry about extracurricular activities. It’s good to have exposure to a broad range of experiences, but fixed weekly commitments won’t suit a lot of families. Do day trips when you can; local, cheap ones are fine. You may also find your school offers a lot more opportunities for activities in the next academic year than they could this year.

Good idea whoever said to try things out over the summer.

I’ve found sport week in August and it’s very cheap. Full days so childcare and she’ll get the opportunity to try different sports and dancing.

What are thoughts on whole week swimming courses over the summer holiday for a child who has not had lessons. My daughter likes to go swimming but would this be too much?

Just to add, I’m not going to go mad.

Will continue with Rainbows, add swimming lessons. Maybe see if I can tag something into school day like a music lesson (she used to do ukele in school time) and a school club in the hours she booked into after school club (sport, ballet OR Helen O’Grady drama).

That feels manageable. I probably won’t add in the music lesson until I get free childcare for my youngest. I can afford to add group swimming lessons right now, so will prioritise.

I do want to give her opportunities I didn’t have, but won’t go mad. It needs to fit in with our existing timetable and be affordable.

My son is 6 in a few months and only does swimming lessons once a week. He hasn't asked to do anything else and I dont think its necessary to take them to loads of activities at this age. He's a very active child and gets plenty of exercise running round the garden/park.

However he will be joining beavers in September. Partly because his dad is a scout leader and he seems interested. Beavers is great as they get involved in lots of different stuff/life skills etc (open to girls and boys nowadays).

I always restricted my kids to one club a week. It was too much for them otherwise and they had no time to just play, and money, and my time are also limited!

They did an instrument at school, we paid for lessons, but it was in school time. The quality of the teaching wasn't amazing but neither of them are hugely musical so they were never going to be career musicians, but they both now enjoy it as a hobby, so job done.

They had swimming lessons til they could confidently swim, they didn't love it, so I stopped them then.

My son plays football and has taken up cricket in the last few years, he's older, so sorts it all out himself. My daughter started at rainbows, and is now a guide. She also does a drama class once a week, but it's the third one she's been to, as the others were so focused on 'show kids' that they just weren't fun at all and she hated going when they were in rehearsal mode (it's Helen O'Grady if that helps op, seems much more focused on fun and confidence building, and less about getting them to drama college!). The second club sneaked in under the radar, as drama used to be at weekends but as she changed club, it's now in the week!

It's enough. Some weeks it's still too much!

Just saw your update OP, we did lots of multi sport/activity things over the summers. It gave them lots of different stuff that they've tried but never became boring or pressured.

My dc1 hated extra curricular activities throughout her entire school life and refused to engage with them. She got excellent gcse and a level results and a degree and has now at just turned 23 landed a well paid graduate job with great prospects. She's got hobbies and friends etc. It's really not that important. Some of them are just tired after school and want to chill alone at home.

@InconvenientPeg Our local school offers Helen O’Grady! I’m very interested. From the brochure it sounds great in terms of developing self esteem, confidence, having fun and voice projection. This is just what she needs (definitely don’t want to send her somewhere with serious stage kids). Can you tell me more about it and how much it costs please?

I do think some from of extra curricular activity is important.
I never did music as a child so I don’t see it as important really. But l think something sporty is important. Hopefully they can take that through to adulthood.

@ladygindiva really interesting to hear from your daughter’s experience. I’m pretty similar- I have advanced quite far in my career without clubs and the weekly tuition my friends all had. However, I’m not that well coordinated and don’t have hobbies, so think from that aspect I might have missed out. But I could do something about it now if I felt really motivated to!!