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Original poster

How long would you leave a 13yo DS at home on their own for?

128 replies

crummyusername · 03/07/2021 23:22

DH and I are in disagreement about this. I won't say what he thinks and what I think, so as not to bias it... but it would be v useful to get some outside views... and especially any links to information on this (I know what the govt guidance is, which is fairly vague).

OP posts:
mostprobablyyes · 04/07/2021 18:08

Of course a 13yo, in absence of SEND that would cause risks, can be left alone for more than 30mins. Your ex-DH is being ridiculous.
Is your DS allowed out on his own when he's with your DH?
My DS is in yr6 and I've left him for about an hour in the daytime. It really important that we start to build up their independence at this stage otherwise we're not doing them any favours.

kowari · 04/07/2021 18:11

@reluctantbrit
I did leave my teen in the holidays (actually at 11 and 12 too). Not for full weeks at a time as I strategically took my 20 days leave here and there to break up the weeks. He also had some days with family, again, planned on days to break up the weeks where possible. When he was alone he could meet friends.

I guess I'm still upset about how I was judged sending a teen to school as a keyworker child. He was home alone five days a week until mid May 2020, luckily I had Covid the first two weeks of lockdown so that's two weeks he wasn't alone. Then a parent has been told they can't leave a teen for more than 30 minutes? Posters on here seemed to think I should have left mine five days a week for five months.

Angel2702 · 04/07/2021 18:24

But at 13 surely he goes out with his friends for much longer periods of time which is far risked than being at home? I don’t understand the logic.

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Vintagevixen · 04/07/2021 18:25

In the holidays, when my mum isn't visiting or DD is not at her dads house, I leave her from 7 in the morning until I get back around 7 in the evening from work.

I leave out food, she can help herself. She has a phone and friends of mine she can call, plus my next door neighbour is lovely and helpful.

She spends most of the time sleeping and gaming.

I don't leave her overnight, I make sure the nights I am on call are nights she is at her dad, my mums or a friends.

I really think that's fine - do people really think a 13 year old needs childcare in the day?!! I think your ex is being an idiot.

Aalvarino · 04/07/2021 18:33

It really is not for your ex to decide. You make your decisions. He makes his. If you disagree it's best to talk it out between you but if that doesn't work... Let him refer to social services. they will probably laugh at him unless the ADHD makes him very impulsive and liable to make bad decisions

HarrisMcCoo · 04/07/2021 18:48

One hour

clary · 04/07/2021 19:03

I have to say I am amazed at the number of posters (more than a few) on here who say they would not leave a 13yo with no additional needs alone for more than a couple of hours.

I do wonder, as others have pointed out, what these parents do in the school holidays? Yes, many of us now work from home, and some people work in schools or work term-time only, and some are SAHP. But many of us work outside the home and have no choice but to leave a teenager at home in the holidays. We take annual leave, we have odd days off, we perhaps encourage them to see a friend, but ultimately there are no other options for many people.

And in fact that is fine. A 13yo is fine on their own, or should be, and should also be able to cook safely and maybe do the odd chore. My main worry would be that they might get bored, hence if possible I might pop home at lunchtime.

That NSPCC advice (and it is only advice, not law) is dangerous nonsense IMHO. It's important for children to acquire some independence, bit by bit, from late primary age.

DrDreReturns · 04/07/2021 19:26

That NSPCC advice (and it is only advice, not law) is dangerous nonsense IMHO. It's important for children to acquire some independence, bit by bit, from late primary age.
I completely agree. Kids need to have more independence as they get older.

Thornrose · 04/07/2021 19:27

Clary did you read it? They're suggesting exactly what you're saying!
"Learning to be independent is an important part of growing up. Between work, appointments and other family commitments – every parent will have to leave their child home alone at some point so it’s good to have a plan in place.Every child is different so build up their independence at their pace – and check in with them to make sure they feel safe."

clary · 04/07/2021 19:30

Yh I have read it, it says this:

"we wouldn't recommend leaving a child under 12 years old home alone" and also this:

clary · 04/07/2021 19:31

haha mean tto say and also this:

"We would always recommend leaving a child younger than 12 years old with family, a friend or in childcare. "

I think that is ridiculous and dangerous. Many DC have to come home on their own from secondary school and be at home alone (which is totally fine IMO) but if that is the first time they are at home alone then it's not great.

My DC and many others on here I am sure were left for 10-15 minutes at a younger age, so they could get used to the idea and knew I would be home as soon as I had walked DS2 to Beavers.

Thornrose · 04/07/2021 19:34

Fair enough, I don't think the advice is dangerous though.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 04/07/2021 19:39

we chose to leave DC1 home alone two days/week when we were at work during lockdown a week after she turned 13 (we were eligible for a school place but thought she'd manage ok at home). School knew and no-one suggested this was reckless or inappropriate. Not that I asked permission, but I think it shows that's broadly thought to be ok for NT kids.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 04/07/2021 19:46

I've left my 10 year old by himself on occasion. If he and his younger brother are being antsy then it's better all round if he's home. I expect by 13 he'll be fine with being by himself, probably just play games and eat all the biscuits.
My younger boy is 7 and hates even the thought of being on his own even for a minute. Hopefully he'll relax in a few years!

motogogo · 04/07/2021 19:49

Whilst I was at work, no choice

clary · 04/07/2021 20:43

@Thornrose

Fair enough, I don't think the advice is dangerous though.
Sorry I should explain; I think it is important that our children learn independence in preparation for adulthood, and one thing they need to do is be happy being on their own and navigate their way around what to do.

The NSPCC says this shouldn't happen before the age of 12. Many many people have no choice but to leave their 11+ DC at home alone after school and in school holidays; if a whole day at home or three hours after school is their first taste of being on their own, I think that could be dangerous, yes. Children don't suddenly and magically become capable of all sorts when they turn 12 years old. Things like this kind of independence needs to be introduced gradually - "I'm popping to the shop fore 10 mins, call me if you are worried" - when you don't actually have to go - it's a means to an end. Then you gradually stretch it or deal with any concerns as you go. If it's too soon for your DC you scale it back.

If you follow the NSPCC advice, you suddenly leave your child on their own for three hours with no quick fix for any problems. It's not great is it?

It's similar to the idea (and I know people who hold to this) that teenagers must not be allowed any freedom until they are 18 - at which point they can go to uni and do absolutely anything - and probably will. Quite dangerous.

(sorry, rant over)

Lemonmelonsun · 04/07/2021 20:59

Clary agree.

We've been doing this small non essential leaving for preparation for a night out (!near by) in a few months.

NothingIsWrong · 04/07/2021 21:04

I had no choice but to leave my 12yo for 9 hours at a time while I was working out of the house in lockdown last year.

Thornrose · 04/07/2021 21:15

"Build up slowly(Tab content expanded)(Tab content expanded)(Tab content expanded)(Tab content expanded)(Tab content expanded)

Depending on the child, being left home alone can be a big change to get used to. It's better to leave them for a short time at first, no more than 20 minutes, then build this up over time.

As you build up to leaving your child alone for longer stretches, keep checking in and making sure they're comfortable. Being left home alone for an hour is very different to being alone for a whole afternoon or overnight"

clary · 04/07/2021 21:23

@Thornrose

"Build up slowly(Tab content expanded)(Tab content expanded)(Tab content expanded)(Tab content expanded)(Tab content expanded)

Depending on the child, being left home alone can be a big change to get used to. It's better to leave them for a short time at first, no more than 20 minutes, then build this up over time.

As you build up to leaving your child alone for longer stretches, keep checking in and making sure they're comfortable. Being left home alone for an hour is very different to being alone for a whole afternoon or overnight"

Yes but my point is they say "not before 12yo". And in fact, while that may hold for some DC (and maybe even older may be appropriate in the case of SEN) it's the blanket age advice I object to - it's prescriptive which is not Ok and it's too old IMHO. There is no way most people can gradually start to leave their 12yo for 20 minutes at a time and actually, y'know, live their lives and work. Not everyone is a SAHP or has handy grandparents nearby. There is basically zero after-school childcare for secondary-age DC.
reluctantbrit · 04/07/2021 21:24

@kowari, I do understand you, my friend is a NHS nurse and got similar comments when she decided to send her girls to school instead of keeping them with her wfh husband.

But we have a situation with no family. (living abroad) and my industry's regulator insist of taking two consectutive weeks off each year. That means all school holidays are divided months/year in advance and taking the odd day off is virtually impossible.

@clary I do agree. We got strange looks when we decided to let DD walk on her own to some activities as it was impossible to park anywhere near or letting her go to the shop alone.
I am from Germany and children go to school alone from 6 years if the roads are safe (and road safety is taught in late kindergarden/early school). I think we wrap our children far too much in cotton wool and then expect too much suddenly without any "training".

moynomore · 04/07/2021 21:25

My 11 year old will be coming home from secondary himself in September and staying alone until about 6 pm.

AnneElliott · 04/07/2021 21:29

I think we used to leave DS for about 4 hours - from when he finished school at lunchtime on one day a week until I got home about 6pm.

I wouldn't leave him when it was dark and not in the evening after we had a horrible attempted break in.

khawk89 · 04/07/2021 21:39

All day or evening. Not over night.

Rainbowsew · 04/07/2021 21:44

Our 11 year is left up to a couple of hours after school so I'd probably leave a 13 year old a little longer but not evening unless I had to and not overnight.

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