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Original poster

How long would you leave a 13yo DS at home on their own for?

128 replies

crummyusername · 03/07/2021 23:22

DH and I are in disagreement about this. I won't say what he thinks and what I think, so as not to bias it... but it would be v useful to get some outside views... and especially any links to information on this (I know what the govt guidance is, which is fairly vague).

OP posts:
choli · 04/07/2021 10:15

[quote PenelopeP1tstop]@AttaGirrrrl you'd really leave a 13 year old overnight? That's not great tbh [/quote]
Why?

Comedycook · 04/07/2021 10:20

When we started leaving ds13 alone, my DH was more cautious than me. But it was easy for him to say as I'm a sahm and it impacted me greatly. My ds would point blank refuse to come out with me when I had to run errands or take our youngest DC out so I was effectively stuck at home. So I had to put my foot down. So we leave him for longer now because I just couldn't get anything done

northernlightsea · 04/07/2021 10:20

From 11 onwards mine has had to be left while we work in the holidays as no holiday clubs etc once they are in high school…. Homeschooled himself through both lockdowns (aged 12-13) as we are key workers, made his own lunch etc. Half an hour is ridiculous at that age imho!

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elliejjtiny · 04/07/2021 10:25

My self harming 13 year-old ds2 never gets left on his own or with his older brother. 15 year-old ds1 was being left at home for an hour maximum at that age. Now I might occasionally leave ds1 for 2 hours but no more than that.

floatingboater · 04/07/2021 10:29

It's none of your ex's business how you parent in your own home. Leave him out of it!

WantingToWonder · 04/07/2021 10:47

I think at 13 I was leaving DS all day while I worked.

ufucoffee · 04/07/2021 10:54

I was baby sitting for other people's young children at 13 while they were out at night. 13 is old enough to be left for an evening. Or days in the holidays if you work.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 04/07/2021 11:16

@elliejjtiny

My self harming 13 year-old ds2 never gets left on his own or with his older brother. 15 year-old ds1 was being left at home for an hour maximum at that age. Now I might occasionally leave ds1 for 2 hours but no more than that.
Any reason why you wouldn't leave a 15 year old for more than a couple of hours? Have you ever considered their need to develop independence?
Tal45 · 04/07/2021 11:19

Can't be left for more than 30 minutes?? He's a teenager!! Jesus, what age would he let him stay home alone?? 25??

Thornrose · 04/07/2021 11:22

This is really helpful. A checklist /assessment to see how your child would manage certain unexpected situations.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/home-alone/

CatsArePeople · 04/07/2021 12:03

Ex is just talking out of his arse. Or being an arse. Maybe he'd care to babysit? If not he can go happily eff off.

BakewellGin1 · 04/07/2021 12:08

DS12 spends a full day at home regularly when he was Teams Learning and I was working. He often is home alone if I take toddler DS out. Has been left from. 7pm until 11pm before.

As long as fed, watered, has Internet, sky sports and his mobile all is good.

He rings me if he is going out, texts whilst out and when he gets in.

He is sensible. No issues. Doors locked but he does have a key to get out/in. He doesn't answer door to unexpected visitors.

Jessicabrassica · 04/07/2021 12:15

We're leaving DD (11) home alone during the school day because her term finishes before everyone else's. Only you know your child. I'm not sure I'd be prepared to leave the 9yo for a day even when he's 18.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 04/07/2021 12:36

[quote Thornrose]This is really helpful. A checklist /assessment to see how your child would manage certain unexpected situations.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/home-alone/[/quote]
It is quite helpful but somewhat OTT with the bit about never leaving under 16s alone overnight ; that's not law, and they should make that clear. And the bit about IF you think a child aged 16+ is ready to be left alone is also Hmm. I know not all 16 year olds are ready to be left - one of mine probably isn't. But let's get a grip here - at 16 they can get married...

Original poster
crummyusername · 04/07/2021 13:08

I'm just catching up on these messages. Thanks for the replies.

In answer to some of the questions - DH does do 50/50 childcare, and as far as I can make out he does not leave DS alone for more than a short time himself.

We live in a safe urban area, small road, DS knows the neighbours.

To the posters who said it's my time, therefore my rules - exDH doesn't agree with that - he finds out from the kids what's happened, and goes ballistic if he thinks it's 'unsafe'.

DS has mild SEN (ADHD). But never does anything silly when he's on his own - too busy on his screens! I'd be more nervous leaving him with his younger brother as they might fight, but as I'm WFH at the moment I've no need to.

I can't really ask anyone IRL what they do. So I was trying to get a sense of whether he's being as unreasonable as I think he is. To which the answer sounds like very much yes :(

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 04/07/2021 13:19

We leave our 13 year old during the day sometimes for maybe 2-3 hours but not at night unless we're literally in the village and it's short because he'd freak out if there was a power cut or someone knocked on the door. He's quite nervous though. There's a long track down to our house and when he gets at the top of it he always phones me and I meet him because he worries about strangers (public footpath).

kowari · 04/07/2021 13:19

Last year I was being told I was unreasonable on here for sending a just turned 14 year old in to school as a keyworker child. Posters were saying that secondary children didn't need 'childcare'. I sent him in because of the impact of day after day of isolation, to be with other people, not because he needed 'childcare'.

There seems to be a big difference in what people think is okay, for some it's fine to leave a secondary aged child alone five days a week for weeks it seems. I think two hours after school and individual days in the holidays, not all week, and where they can get out and meet friends, is perfectly reasonable.

Thornrose · 04/07/2021 14:55

DivorcedAndDelighted

They do say this
"There's no legal age a child can be left home alone, but it’s against the law to leave a child alone if it puts them at risk1.Every child matures differently, so it would be almost impossible to have a "one size fits all" law."

mindutopia · 04/07/2021 15:46

At 13, all day. But then I was home all day every school holiday (and sick day - no one stuck around to look after me if I was ill) from age 10. From 13, I was doing 3-4 days on my own at a time while my mum (single parent, no family support) went away on work trips. I personally wouldn't do that myself now, but really I was completely fine. I did fall down the stairs on one of those work trips and dislocate my knee. I had enough sense to at least drag myself to the sofa and put a bag of peas on it. I just stayed on the sofa until mum appeared the next day to take me to A&E. That sounds horrible now, but really I was fine. It wouldn't have made much difference if she'd been home.

reluctantbrit · 04/07/2021 16:27

@kowari
I don't think most parents like leaving a teen all alone at home for weeks during the summer holidays. But what is the alternative?

We don't have family around, all our friends do work as well, there are no typical holiday clubs catering for teens. Some activities are there but they are a couple of hours only and often need transport, not possible while parents work.

In my opinion the infracture is wrong, I would love to send DD to a some form of day camp suitable for older ones but I think there is just no take up. All youth clubs around here are closed as the council withdrew funding and there are no volunteers.

We are lucky as DD goes away with the Scouts or we can pay for a PGL trip on top of our family holiday. But that's not your average family,

Cameleongirl · 04/07/2021 16:35

My DS is nearly 13 and we’ve left him home alone during the day while taking his sister to various activities. He’s fine for a couple of hours and would much prefer to stay at home than watch her competing- or sit in the car while I drive her to a friend’s house. I would not leave him alone in the evening, he’s not ready for that and would be nervous. I’ll leave him and DD (16) together for a couple of hours in the evening as she’s legally allowed to babysit younger children here (USA)….although we never mention that to DS, he’d be mortified!

warmfluffytowels · 04/07/2021 17:33

To the posters who said it's my time, therefore my rules - exDH doesn't agree with that - he finds out from the kids what's happened, and goes ballistic if he thinks it's 'unsafe'.

He doesn't have to agree, but it's still nothing to do with him.

user1494055864 · 04/07/2021 17:42

We had no choice but to leave dd13 home alone all day, as school sent the whole year group home to online school, and we were still at work. I wasn't happy about it though, as both our cars gone, I get worried about someone breaking in.

Imapotato · 04/07/2021 17:51

I’d leave dd2 13 all day while I’m at work. In practice it doesn’t often happen as dd1 16 is also at home. This summer she has a part time job so there will be whole days when dd2 is alone. She’s sensible and happy to be left and I don’t work far away if there was an emergency. I trust her to lock up etc if she was to go out with friends.

Unless your ds has proven himself to be very untrustworthy then your exdh is being pretty unreasonable. Most kids of that age can be left for at least a few hours.

My friends parent’s left her alone all weekend every weekend from age 14. I was only 12 or 13 and we used to have great parties at hers where we’d all get very drunk! Maybe her parents weren’t right to leave her! But we all survived!

RuthW · 04/07/2021 18:01

@Clymene

All day or all evening. I wouldn't leave them overnight
Exactly this.
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