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Original poster

How long would you leave a 13yo DS at home on their own for?

128 replies

crummyusername · 03/07/2021 23:22

DH and I are in disagreement about this. I won't say what he thinks and what I think, so as not to bias it... but it would be v useful to get some outside views... and especially any links to information on this (I know what the govt guidance is, which is fairly vague).

OP posts:
ragged · 04/07/2021 08:13

All day, either of my older 2 or the youngest.

3rd child was less sensible at 13, but I'd leave him for a week now (age 17) if we had to -- this is a real prospect this summer if we go on hols, he's not keen on our suggestions.

ittakes2 · 04/07/2021 08:14

Your ex thinks he can be left alone for only 30mins!

bettertimesarecomingnow · 04/07/2021 08:21

Ds is 11 and dd 9, they walk home from school and are by themselves for half an hour to an hour until I get in.

Ds stays by himself while I walk the dog or go shopping so if probably leave him a couple hours. He's just online though and eating biscuits!

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3teens2cats · 04/07/2021 08:26

All day if necessary during the daytime. Evening, up until 11ish. Always make sure one of us is contactable and would make sure either we could be home within half an hour or have my mum on standby if further away.

cptartapp · 04/07/2021 08:33

He thinks 30 minutes!?
I almost guarantee he doesn't do 50/50.

reluctantbrit · 04/07/2021 08:45

Before Covid DD would be alone the odd. day after school until I was home, apprx 2 1/2 hours. Normally DH works from home generallly but was on frequent business trips.

In Summer she would have been alone the full day as there are virtually no camps or activities for secondary school children. She may have gotten to a friend for a few hours but not every day. She would have been a week off with the Scouts and two weeks with us though.

We started leaving her for the odd hour when we went shopping since she is 9 and felt comfortable. Charged phone, knowing what to do in emergencies (where to go, whom to call, what to take) was talked about and is checked.

30 minutes is a joke at that age and. wht does your ex thinks is possible in the holidays or inset days?

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 04/07/2021 08:53

A couple of hours regularly. All day as a one-off. Not overnight.

It also slightly depends on where you live. If there are other houses around and you know your neighbours, I'd be more inclined to leave for longer periods. If you live in the middle of nowhere and there's no one around for them to get help from if it's needed, less happy to leave them.

SquitMcJit · 04/07/2021 08:53

It could be argued that it’s doing children a disservice not helping them to get used to short times on their own. Unless there’s any additional needs or particular circumstances, it’s sensible to start getting young people used to being responsible for themselves. And it can then be built up to longer periods, depending on age and their personality and how happy they are with it.

We did the same as pp - short time in house on own while we went out shopping at around 10/11 and then built it up.

delilahbucket · 04/07/2021 08:54

Mine is happy at home all day alone, however I work a two minute walk up the road, and I come home at lunch time. He has been left for an hour or two in the evening, again when I'm at work, and I'm back by 8:30/9. I wouldn't go on an evening out and leave him though.

HairyToity · 04/07/2021 08:55

I still take my 13 yo to grandparents for childcare in school holidays. I would say a few hours, never done entire days but that's just me.

ApolloandDaphne · 04/07/2021 08:56

30 minutes is madness. Maybe if he was 10 but at 13 he can be at home all day or for an evening with no issues.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 04/07/2021 08:56

@crummyusername

Thanks for replies so far. DH is actually exDH and we are separated, and can’t agree on many things around the kids, this being one of them.

DS is perfectly happy being home on his own and would just watch TV. (Usually this is due to me taking his younger brother to an activity, as I’m WFH at the moment).

ExDH says he can’t be left for more than 30 minutes. I think a couple of hours is fine, and can call and check on him if need be. Unfortunately exDH is very stubborn so I’m trying to get a sense of whether he’s being as unreasonable as I think he is.

All day while I'm at work during the holidays, packed lunch, pocket money, friends in the area. Your XH is barmy. Sincerely, a child protection social worker
JingsMahBucket · 04/07/2021 09:05

For those saying not overnight, why not? I was being left alone overnight at that point since my mother worked night shifts. Actually even from 12 I think. I also cooked all the time with the gas stove and that was fine too.

Lemonmelonsun · 04/07/2021 09:07

As pp said I think the key is, how far are you going?
If your in short radius and can get back quickly, probably all day

..

I think it's crucial, when dc are ready to get some alone time and space at home.. Left alone was when I sang freely around the house, danced by heart out, perfecting my moves 😂... Vital they have space esp if its a house laden with rules (mine wasn't thankfully!!)

rookiemere · 04/07/2021 09:11

@JingsMahBucket I don't think it's recommended to leave them alone until at least 16. We would leave DS 15 alone during the day but not overnight in case of emergency- unlikely to happen but doesn't feel right at his age to have to cope by himself.

At the age of 13 we would leave DS alone for a few hours including the evening if we were going out to the theatre or a meal.

Bumpsadaisie · 04/07/2021 09:11

@crummyusername

Thanks for replies so far. DH is actually exDH and we are separated, and can’t agree on many things around the kids, this being one of them.

DS is perfectly happy being home on his own and would just watch TV. (Usually this is due to me taking his younger brother to an activity, as I’m WFH at the moment).

ExDH says he can’t be left for more than 30 minutes. I think a couple of hours is fine, and can call and check on him if need be. Unfortunately exDH is very stubborn so I’m trying to get a sense of whether he’s being as unreasonable as I think he is.

Seems over cautious to me.

Mine just turned 12 and I leave her for a couple hours 6-8pm while I take her brother to an activity.

I leave both of them together (ages 12 and 10) for a couple of hours 5-7pm on one day a week - in the gap between my needing to leave and dh getting back.

We all have phones and we check in on them.

LadyCatStark · 04/07/2021 09:13

As long as needed in the day or evening but not over night.

toptomatoes · 04/07/2021 09:13

A couple of hours would be fine at 13 for mine. My 14 year old currently stays home or goes out himself for a few hours very regularly and my 11 year old stays home for about an hour, maybe a bit longer if the 14 year old is there too. The 8 year old gets dragged with us everywhere!

TedGlenn · 04/07/2021 09:25

If you live in the middle of nowhere and there's no one around for them to get help from if it's needed, less happy to leave them

Yes this, I'm much less happy to leave DS (13) than most of the replies here, but we live fairly rural, in that while we have neighbours about 100 metres away, there isn't any 'natural surveillance' so my fear would be an opportunist coming around the back of the house etc. That said, I happily leave DS for a couple of hours, and in an emergency, would do so all day. But we haven't yet left him at home in the evening - lockdown has meant we haven't needed to but we have left him home alone with a friend of his, when we've gone out with that friend's parents.

rookiemere · 04/07/2021 09:29

Yes that's a good point about neighbours. We live in a cul de sac and there are 4 houses where DS knows the occupants and could go to for help if required.

Comedycook · 04/07/2021 09:55

For a good few hours but not after 9pm

GintyMcGinty · 04/07/2021 10:04

At least half a day. Maybe longer.

ElectricTreeLeaf · 04/07/2021 10:05

I am a SAHM and so my teen children have been left for half a day but only because I am here a lot. Children of working parents are often left for whole days due to working especially when it is the summer holidays.

It is completely fine to leave a 13 year old alone all day. You have the ability to contact them via a mobile phone or facetime them and they can also contact you if needed. 30 minutes only is ridiculous. Surely your ex does not get a say in how long you leave him and I cannot imagine social services would be bothered by this.

As long as your child is okay with it then it is fine. Just equip them with information, what would you do if the power went off, does he know where to check to see if it is just a trip switch? Would he need food, would he be allowed to use the oven/hob? Just have rules in place and solutions to problems.

Echobelly · 04/07/2021 10:12

When DD was 12 we left her all day to visit my sister in the country because she didn't want to come with (she hates long drives) and it was fine, she's pretty mature and independent. We'll leave her and DS (9) for an hour or two during the daytime now as well.

Cornucopia55 · 04/07/2021 10:14

@AttaGirrrrl

week if you were my parents, circa 1990…

Now? A day or an evening definitely, overnight if they were super (super!) sensible.

Yep, same here. If the 13yo is sensible and happy to be left, that's fine. I have a large family and there are some of my kids who would have been fine on their own at 13, including all day or overnight - but others who I would not have left until 16 or so. In fact, I have a nearly 17yo who probably wouldn't want to be left alone overnight, though at his age I was left to single handedly run a household with lots of animals! But my 14yo would be happy to be left overnight and I would have no concerns.