My (just) 18yr old dd has gone out in a very low cut top

[FourScoreAndTwenty]

She has a large bust and is off to a party this evening wearing a very low cut bustier, trousers and a jacket.

I am torn. She looks good. I know she can wear whatever she damn well pleases and she should be able to. I also know that she is likely to get unwanted attention because her breasts are the first thing you notice about her outfit.

I can't quite rationalise the feminist in me which says she can go in a bloody bikini if she wants and that's fine with the woman who has been young and on the receiving end of unwanted/uncomfortable comments about my breasts.

As a parent, how do you handle this situation (and by handle I mean
metaphorically, she's left now and I said I hope she had a great evening etc so I'm not taking any action now!) My mum would literally have not let me leave the house dressed like dd is but she is very old fashioned.

I hope dd knows how to handle herself if she does get attention she doesn't like but in reality I think she won't. She's missed a whole year of socialising and growing up due to Covid. It may or may not be relevant but so as to not drip feed, she has ASD.

I don't want her to be frightened, I equally want her to be safe. I don't want to counter her argument of 'I can wear what I want' with 'no you can't because men will harass you'.

Anyway, I'm wittering. I know what I am trying to say but I'm not quite sure how to say it! Any advice welcome, thanks

Dad = DD.

When I was that age I wore some ridiculously short skirts, my mum used to just ask if I had my best knickers on

Leave her be, bet she looks amazing, hope she has a great night out.

🤷🏼‍♀️

@Regularsizedrudy

You’re talking about her like she’s 13. She’s not. She knows exactly how she looks and how she wants to dress, which is probably the same as all her friends are dressed. Frankly this whole thing of covering up so men don’t “hassle” you is bullshit anyway. It doesn’t hold men accountable or stop them, it’s basically like saying “cover up because then he will harass someone else and not you”. The problem is just moved on to the next poor girl.

Totally agree, women shouldn’t have to worry about what men will think/do, and no 18 year old boy has ever thought or been told to dress more ‘appropriately’ - the more we concede to this way of thinking the more we’ll never ever move away from this situation where men aren’t held accountable for their behaviour.

Mumsnet HQ has already commented on this thread to confirm that the OP is a longer sranding poster and to ask people not to troll hunt on threads

Say nothing - always the best advice trust me!

I remember going out with a friend. I had moved out of home. But as she lived near my dad's I stayed at dad's. When I arrived at his. He said you're not bloody wearing that out. It wasn't even that low cut. I had a skirt that definitely covered my ass.
So I changednas had taken spares.

But got to my friends and put back in exactly what I originally had on! Because I wouldn't ever be told what to do.

I now have a daughter and I think I'd keep quiet unless it was completely in appropriate

I would find a different time to have a conversation with her about how to keep herself safe and still be empowered to go out and have a good time. It will include things like
-stay with your friends
-trust your instinct
-don't drink so much you are inebriated
-if your friend gets inebriated, stay with her
-know how you are getting home
-be suspicious of men you don't know
-a top in your bag to cover yourself up if you feel vulnerable
-make sure your phone is fully charged before you go
-act confident - don't announce to the night that you are lost, walk with a purpose
-if you do get attacked, shout and fight dirty
-if you do get attacked, it's not your fault

When I (suspected ASD) was that age, I used cleavage as shorthand for all the flirting and conversation I couldn’t manage with boys. It got the attention of the ones I fancied, and the others..? Any unwanted attention I just ignored. Not saying it was the best approach, but it gave me confidence —and results—

gospelsinger gives fantastic advice ^

I always wonder how people cope with the "attention". I have a large bust & even now very rarely show a lot of cleavage although I like looking nice, I just feel uncomfortable with the stares.

Interesting - my DD (15) has just gone to a friend's 15th party (in her house) wearing a little black dress' after 1 year of jogging bottoms and hoodies.
The dress was a bit 'busty' but she looked nice and I thought
a) she's going to a house (rather than the park etc)
b) I have nagged her enough to wear sth other than the joggers and hoodies (she did put a big denim jacket over the dress though!)

I don't think you are being ridiculous at op, especially as your DD has ASD.
It is understandable you feel protective towards her.

And sorry, but all of those posters saying "she is an adult" at 18, well only just, and some eighteen year olds can be very independent and assertive and others not so much. Eighteen is still quite young in terms of life experience.

Fwiw I like LaurieFairyCake's response as it doesn't "shame" at all but equally prepares them for potential situations where men could behave inappropriately.

@Comedycook

She's an adult. You are being totally ridiculous

You're ridiculous for being bitchy

Thanks so much everyone, particularly those who took the time to actually read what I posted!! I hardly think asking an anonymous question on mumsnet when I’d already dropped dd off at the party wearing exactly what she wanted is ‘overinvested’

To those with dc who have ASD thanks for understanding .

For those who don’t, one of the key issues with ASD is not always understanding the social nuances and when it’s ok to say things or not. I’ve made it very clear if someone is doing something unwanted it’s fine to say so, dd genuinely might have been unsure as she has also been taught not to be rude!

Covid-wise - the party was outside in the garden and they didn’t have more than the number allowed. Dd isn’t home yet as a friend’s parent picked her up and she’s stayed there with her friend. I did get a text at 3.30am saying ‘I’m still awake, don’t expect me to be up early!!’

I’ll find out about the party when she (eventually) gets home! It will be interesting to see if her top/boobs (!) did elicit any comments or unwanted comments and what she did about it.

@gospelsinger great advice, I think I have spoken to dd about this but I will definitely go through it all again. Until last night she has mainly been to parties where she knows everyone well. Last night there were a few people she didn’t know, I did remind her about drinking too much/passing out and being very vulnerable if that happens, she had a party a while ago and one of her friends did this in the middle of the party (people just chatted over her!£. To make the point about her naivety - she replied ‘don’t worry if I’m going to pass out I’ll go upstairs to ‘friend’s’ bedroom. I had to point out that being passed out alone upstairs wasn’t ‘safer’

Hope she had a lovely evening (it sounds like she did from her 3.30am text!!) and that everything went well for her. Raising teenagers is challenging at times - we never stop worrying about them, even as they become adults. It was much easier when they were little and we knew exactly where they were!

My 3 nieces proclaim they are feminists but dress like strippers and post photos standing in front of mirrors posing provocatively or draped all over each pouting ridiculously.

They tell me they are empowered, dressing for themselves not men, blah blah blah ...

I find it utterly depressing.

Absolutely MaMelon!

I found this surprisingly difficult with my DD, having vowed as a teenager to never question my future daughters dress sense!

I may have purchased the same tight, red, lace, see through top as DD and worn it the same way she did, with no bra to go for a drink with DH.
Of course it completely backfired as I looked and felt ridiculous with my giant aged boobs and a body that has been through four pregnancies and DD just smiled sweetly and said "you look great Mum, women should wear whatever they feel comfortable wearing" I had to hide in the car and get DH to go to Tesco and buy me a bra and different top

Totally understand where you are coming from.
DD is 16, large boobs and slightly overweight, but she looks fabulous, very hourglass. I worry about the tops she wears, it's not just the unwanted male attention, but also the bitchy remarks from her peer group. She gets upset and loses confidence so easily.
But at the same time I've spent years raging about the school policing short skirts and them saying it will distract the boys, when women and girls should be able to wear what they like.
It's a bit of a minefield.

@Kottbullar - that made me laugh

I always have little wistful sigh when I’m hanging out the washing - my size 12 sensible full knickers beside DD’s tiny size 6 g-strings serves as a reminder that my youth - and all the crazy shenanigans that went with it - is long gone, and I’m now a sensible middle aged mum who dispenses well intended advice with love and care that my adult and teen DCs roll their eyes at and duly ignore.

I may have purchased the same tight, red, lace, see through top as DD and worn it the same way she did, with no bra to go for a drink with DH

But why would you think that was appropriate for any women or girl to wear outside the house?

DD just smiled sweetly and said "you look great Mum, women should wear whatever they feel comfortable wearing"

It's depressing that she's following the #BeKind mantra.

But why would you think that was appropriate for any women or girl to wear outside the house?
I didn't, that was the point.

It's depressing that she's following the #BeKind mantra.
She wasn't. She knew fine well what I was doing and played me at my own game.

I'm not sure you understood my post