My (just) 18yr old dd has gone out in a very low cut top

[FourScoreAndTwenty]

She has a large bust and is off to a party this evening wearing a very low cut bustier, trousers and a jacket.

I am torn. She looks good. I know she can wear whatever she damn well pleases and she should be able to. I also know that she is likely to get unwanted attention because her breasts are the first thing you notice about her outfit.

I can't quite rationalise the feminist in me which says she can go in a bloody bikini if she wants and that's fine with the woman who has been young and on the receiving end of unwanted/uncomfortable comments about my breasts.

As a parent, how do you handle this situation (and by handle I mean
metaphorically, she's left now and I said I hope she had a great evening etc so I'm not taking any action now!) My mum would literally have not let me leave the house dressed like dd is but she is very old fashioned.

I hope dd knows how to handle herself if she does get attention she doesn't like but in reality I think she won't. She's missed a whole year of socialising and growing up due to Covid. It may or may not be relevant but so as to not drip feed, she has ASD.

I don't want her to be frightened, I equally want her to be safe. I don't want to counter her argument of 'I can wear what I want' with 'no you can't because men will harass you'.

Anyway, I'm wittering. I know what I am trying to say but I'm not quite sure how to say it! Any advice welcome, thanks

You’re talking about her like she’s 13. She’s not. She knows exactly how she looks and how she wants to dress, which is probably the same as all her friends are dressed. Frankly this whole thing of covering up so men don’t “hassle” you is bullshit anyway. It doesn’t hold men accountable or stop them, it’s basically like saying “cover up because then he will harass someone else and not you”. The problem is just moved on to the next poor girl.

My dd (17) recently asked me 'Mum, do you think people stare at my chest when we're out?' She doesn't wear low cut stuff, just T -shirts etc, and now I feel a bit anxious for her because it was obvious from her tone that she isn't ready for the attention. I was shocked tbh because I'm a totally in denial about how grown up she is (the baby of the family, I'm not ready !)

I would say exactly as you've said here - she looks wonderful, she can wear what she wants at the end of the day but you believe she's going to attract some potentially unwanted attention and should perhaps think about it before heading out. Sadly this world is sometimes a scary place to be and she needs to be sure she can handle some of the creeps that will undoubtedly approach her.

Wow it's tricky because she has ASD but is also 18. I guess you'll just have to play it by ear.

I do think the ASD is relevant and it’s clear some of the parents of NT teenagers are missing that. I have a 23 year old with an identical diagnosis and whilst he copes brilliantly he doesn’t always get the nuances of social situations and can be very naive at times. He was recently treated very badly by a girl who thought it was funny to keep arranging to meet and not turning up and it’s heartbreaking as a parent . As a previous poster said we do lots of chatting things through , scenario planing etc but ultimately you have to let go and hope they fly.

Women get unwanted attention whatever they wear.

Women get unwanted attention whatever they wear

I can promise you that as a 52 year old woman in jeans and hoodie I get far less attention than the young things wearing tiny little dresses. It’s disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

If I went out in clothing and people made me feel uncomfortable about (leering etc) , I didn't wear it again. Horrible painful experiences of feeling shamed that hopefully your daughter won't have that 25 years on.
I agree your daughter should wear what she wants and it will be a sad thing if she feels she has to modify it next time.

I can promise you that as a 52 year old woman in jeans and hoodie I get far less attention than the young things wearing tiny little dresses. It’s disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

Loving being nearly 50 and invisible. I wear wtf I want.

@MaMelon

Women get unwanted attention whatever they wear

I can promise you that as a 52 year old woman in jeans and hoodie I get far less attention than the young things wearing tiny little dresses. It’s disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

Yeah I'm fat and nearly forty...I get very little attention especially compared to when I was in my late teens/early twenties and was slim and pretty

OK, 18 yo women get attention whatever they wear??

She is 18, a fully grown adult women, mind your business about her choice of outfit.
Half the fun of being young and carefree is being able to wear whatever the hell you like.
You may not approve but how odd to be so invested

I am late 40s and can assure you that men and women do stare at my chest. No low cut tops just possibly tight clothing as if I don't bring in clothes under my bust I look like I am 8 months pregnant as the clothing sticks out too far.

They are sure as hell not looking at my face but definitely my boobs. I didn't get big boobs until after breastfeeding my children so I didn't have to navigate this stuff as a teen. I think wear what you like but be aware that it does attract attention and these days probably a photo of your chest on their phone.

You may not approve but how odd to be so invested

Not odd at all, it’s called ‘being concerned’.

I think that the impact of lockdown on those early socialising lessons is a good point. Probably less practice at dealing with alcohol as well as men.
I would feel exactly as you do OP. No direct advice as I have boys butI would have a general conversation about handling male attention. I wish my mother had done that.

@MaMelon

You may not approve but how odd to be so invested

Not odd at all, it’s called ‘being concerned’.

At 18 though? Old enough to legally do anything they want. My dd is 21 and I wouldn't have dreamed of being concerned about her outfits going out when she became an adult. We had already these conversations when she was 15/16

Does your DD have ASD ?

I didn't know parties were allowed right now.
To clarify, I don't mind if she went to an unallowed party.

A little surprised no MNer said it was banned -- I was supposed to go to a small gathering today & the hosts were firm that we had to all stay outside and bring own cup, cutlery, plates & chairs. I'm not sure if toilets were available. I did think bringing all that was OTT.

Colleague came to my home few days ago for a meeting, because his wifi was broke & I live near his home -- he kept a mask on the whole time.

I have no clue what is 'allowed' right now, obviously.

Absolutely at 18, esp with ASD. 18 year olds are still young and need a bit of guidance and advice.

I think you’re getting a hard time on here. I don’t think it’s in any way unusual or unnatural for a mum to worry like this and puzzle over whether and how to say anything. I suppose there are very sexually experienced 18 year olds whose judgement won’t be impaired in any way by alcohol, who are more than capable of handling lechy huge aggressive men and who have the confidence to enlist aid from doormen and others if they need it .... but knowing a large number of 18 year olds my experience tells me that they are a tiny minority!
Yes of course the feminist in me says wear what you want. The protective mother seeking to minimise risk says that some men judge by appearances and you will minimise (not eliminate) hassle if you minimise flesh on show.

My dd does this, she's 19 and has a cracking figure and I worry about unwanted attention, but what can you do. 🤷‍♀️ I occasionally can't help myself and blurt out "bloody hell love, put them away" but most lads seem to be able to control themselves.

I would only comment that she looks nice. My mother used to go on about the ‘wrong sort of attention’, but I really loved showing off how hot I was, I am so glad I did as I am now a big troll, and my mum is a massive fan of polo neck and ski pant ensembles so really has no idea what looks nice.

She's young and going out for fun, assets on show, the attention may not be unwanted.

Your daughter may be one of the future mumsnetters who write of the fun they had going out on the pull all the time. Enjoying being young free and promiscuous, up to her.

All you can do is explain the dangers and be there for her if it all comes apart.

It’s normal that you worry and shows how much you care. Of course the world should be safe for women to wear whatever they like - but it is t and even all covered up is still not safe for women. A few things to think though - your daughter will have experienced unwanted male attention before and I’m sure will be fine this time round too but it’s worth a chat about what to do if she feels out of her depth. Be on her side - she can wear whatever she wants, generations of women have fought for that freedom But it does lead to consequences and she needs to take precautions if she feels concerned. My mother told me recently about when she was younger and was sexually assaulted (she’s 70’s) and how she defended herself - I really wish she had told me when I was 16.

Same situation and diagnosis with my dad, 19. She is very naive and has in addition missed out on over a year of socialising. I worry about this too - I don't want to shame her or destroy her body confidence but she hasn't got the skills to deal with predatory men.