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Original poster

My (just) 18yr old dd has gone out in a very low cut top

101 replies

FourScoreAndTwenty · 03/07/2021 18:59

She has a large bust and is off to a party this evening wearing a very low cut bustier, trousers and a jacket.

I am torn. She looks good. I know she can wear whatever she damn well pleases and she should be able to. I also know that she is likely to get unwanted attention because her breasts are the first thing you notice about her outfit.

I can't quite rationalise the feminist in me which says she can go in a bloody bikini if she wants and that's fine with the woman who has been young and on the receiving end of unwanted/uncomfortable comments about my breasts.

As a parent, how do you handle this situation (and by handle I mean
metaphorically, she's left now and I said I hope she had a great evening etc so I'm not taking any action now!) My mum would literally have not let me leave the house dressed like dd is but she is very old fashioned.

I hope dd knows how to handle herself if she does get attention she doesn't like but in reality I think she won't. She's missed a whole year of socialising and growing up due to Covid. It may or may not be relevant but so as to not drip feed, she has ASD.

I don't want her to be frightened, I equally want her to be safe. I don't want to counter her argument of 'I can wear what I want' with 'no you can't because men will harass you'.

Anyway, I'm wittering. I know what I am trying to say but I'm not quite sure how to say it! Any advice welcome, thanks Smile

OP posts:
SteveBuscemisRheumyEye · 03/07/2021 19:41

When I was 17 I wore a skin tight PVC dress out to a rave. My mum just said: ooh! I'd have worn it whatever she said!

Original poster
FourScoreAndTwenty · 03/07/2021 19:42

@JeanClaudeVanDammit I’m at least hoping DD hasn’t inherited my big boobs because they did bring a lot of male attention that I might have thought I wanted but wasn’t really old enough to deal with

Yeah, that sentence is the crux of it. She might want the attention, I'm not sure she's equipped to deal with it. She's got lots of girl friends with her though so I'm sure she'll be fine. Sadly learning to deal with twattish men is all part of growing up isn't it. Blardy men. Tsk.

OP posts:
Siepie · 03/07/2021 19:42

If she dislikes the male attention, she may decide not to wear that top in the future. But I think that’s something she has to decide for herself, rather than hear from her mum.

Original poster
FourScoreAndTwenty · 03/07/2021 19:45

@Siepie I know you're right! It's a learning curve for me and her. She's my eldest so it's a lot of firsts for both of us at the moment.

OP posts:
JeanClaudeVanDammit · 03/07/2021 19:47

Yeah, that sentence is the crux of it. She might want the attention, I'm not sure she's equipped to deal with it. She's got lots of girl friends with her though so I'm sure she'll be fine. Sadly learning to deal with twattish men is all part of growing up isn't it. Blardy men. Tsk.

She will be ok. Learning to deal with leery men was (depressingly) quite a big bonding experience for my friends and I at that age. If she’s got a good group of friends they will look after each other.

Branleuse · 03/07/2021 19:47

Shes 18. If she doesnt like the attention she gets, then she will wear something else next time or learn how to fend it off

Sparklingbrook · 03/07/2021 19:48

Can totally see how it's very conflicting. She's young, she's going out, they are the best years. but the thought of dickish men ogling her etc.

I used to go out what my Mum would call 'half dressed' all the time at that age though. Generally very short skirts. And I guess as a PP said we used to go 'on the pull', Blush

I drove through Birmingham City Centre a while ago on a Saturday night and I saw that it's what the girls are still doing. Grin Skimpy attire, no coat. Having a great time.

Pikachusbutt · 03/07/2021 19:48

Did you listen when you're mum told you not to wear them or did you ignore her and do it anyway? Even if you tell her, she won't probably pay any attention.

Don't ask her to change her clothes. But do educate her that people will make totally inaccurate assumptions about her based on how she dresses.

Foobydoo · 03/07/2021 19:49

@FourScoreAndTwenty

She has a large bust and is off to a party this evening wearing a very low cut bustier, trousers and a jacket.

I am torn. She looks good. I know she can wear whatever she damn well pleases and she should be able to. I also know that she is likely to get unwanted attention because her breasts are the first thing you notice about her outfit.

I can't quite rationalise the feminist in me which says she can go in a bloody bikini if she wants and that's fine with the woman who has been young and on the receiving end of unwanted/uncomfortable comments about my breasts.

As a parent, how do you handle this situation (and by handle I mean
metaphorically, she's left now and I said I hope she had a great evening etc so I'm not taking any action now!) My mum would literally have not let me leave the house dressed like dd is but she is very old fashioned.

I hope dd knows how to handle herself if she does get attention she doesn't like but in reality I think she won't. She's missed a whole year of socialising and growing up due to Covid. It may or may not be relevant but so as to not drip feed, she has ASD.

I don't want her to be frightened, I equally want her to be safe. I don't want to counter her argument of 'I can wear what I want' with 'no you can't because men will harass you'.

Anyway, I'm wittering. I know what I am trying to say but I'm not quite sure how to say it! Any advice welcome, thanks Smile

She sounds exactly like my dd who also has ASD and missed a full year of school when she was 13. I don't say anything unless she directly asks as she is so self conscious. Luckily she has some nice friends and she said when she went out in the hot weather a few weeks ago some of the boys kept giving her their jacket as they didn't want to seem like they were looking at her chest.
MNHQ
FionaMumsnet · 03/07/2021 19:49

Hopping on to say the OP has indeed been on Mumsnet for a ve-heeery long time, and we've no other concerns surrounding their posting history. As per - please, please report to us rather than troll hunting on the thread as it just derails (as well being quite annoying for lots of posters).

Looneytune253 · 03/07/2021 19:55

To be fair I stopped policing my daughters clothes a long time ago and she's 16. She wears tiny skirts and shocking (to me) outfits. It's par for the course I think for a teen and defo can't say anything when they're 18 however uncomfortable it makes us

krustykittens · 03/07/2021 20:00

It's a tough one, OP. You want to tell your daughter that she can wear whatever the hell she wants and anyone that doesn't like it can go fuck themselves. At the same time, you want her to slip under the radar of the kind of neandrathal that think the way a woman dresses gives them permission to say disgusting things to them or put their hands on them. Sadly, it doesn't matter what women or girls wear to these men, they will do it anyway. You can only talk to her about the reality that women neogtiate daily, support her, tell her she is gorgeous and sit at home and worry yourself sick. Sorry. There is just no easy answer to this one. But being surrounded by good friends on a night out is probably the best protection she has.

MindMinDer · 03/07/2021 20:00

Agree that the best you can do is to help her manage the attention, and I do think her ASD is relevant her. As a young woman with ASD I enjoyed the straightforward attention clothes could get me. There's a predictability and an honesty in it that I appreciated. But I was never taught how to stand up for myself or that sometimes men saw me as 'easy' and said all the 'right' things to make me think they were interested in me when they really weren't. What would have helped would have been parents who checked in with me along the way and practices ways of standing up for myself/looking out for myself in all situations. You sound like you have that kind of relationship with her, so I would just continue scaffolding her with this as you've done (I imagine) with all the other social communication. It might seem a bit overinvolved for parents of neurotypical children, but in my experience learning how to manage relationships just takes us autistic people well into adulthood - simply because the 'rules' and expectations keep changing.

Deadringer · 03/07/2021 20:02

I feel for you op. My 17 year old has huge boobs, and i had to bite my tongue when she went out recently. She is quite chubby too and in all honesty the skintight clothes do nothing for her. It's a tough one.

krustykittens · 03/07/2021 20:03

Also, my parents were very victorian about issues such as these. They wanted me covered up all the time and my stepfather would tell me I was disgusting if boys looked at me or said stuff to me when we were out. I was body shamed all the time. I was also made responsible for everything men and boys said and did to me but it didn't protect me from being sexually assualted. It just meant I had no one to go to for support. You are doing much better than them!

Alternista · 03/07/2021 20:05

I also feel for you.

I am a couple of years behind you but i think I’d put all my efforts into drumming into her her self worth, safe sex, boundaries and her right to enforce them, always having a safety plan etc etc.

Puffinhead · 03/07/2021 20:06

I have this exact ‘issue’ my DD15. Like you, the feminist in me thinks she should wear what she wants but I’m worried about unwanted attention too. Although I secretly admire her confidence, wish I’d been like that at her age!

FindingMeno · 03/07/2021 20:26

She will not be the only teenager out without a vest on.
You need to let her make her own choices Smile

skippy67 · 03/07/2021 20:31

My dd has just turned 20. We were chatting the other day, and she said that she used to get the most unwanted male attention walking to and from school in her school uniform. So I'd say it doesn't matter what your dd is wearing, it's dickhead men that are the problem.

CallMeNutribullet · 03/07/2021 20:35

She'll be wearing similar to other girls, plus she's an adult.

Original poster
FourScoreAndTwenty · 03/07/2021 20:36

@FionaMumsnet thanks for that!

LOL at no vest on. I’m sure the alcohol will keep her warm Hmm Grin

Thanks @MindMinDer - that really helps. She’s a funny mix of being knowing and also being hopelessly naive! I will make sure I just keep talking to her.

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 03/07/2021 20:39

You are not being at all ridiculous, OP!

You just have to let her wear what she wants. My eldest is a bit older and there were a few occasions when I winced at how short/ skimpy/ low-cut her dress was, but at 18 she has to navigate her way through this sort of stuff. If people wolf whistle or harass her, they will do it and she will learn her own way of handling it. It's just life Smile

Original poster
FourScoreAndTwenty · 03/07/2021 20:40

@CallMeNutribullet - she is technically an adult. Has been for all of a few weeks now. In reality she’s now where near ‘adult’. 18yrs is such an odd age. Suddenly she’s entirely responsible for herself eg sorting out her medication. In real terms, particularly having ASD and ADHD (realised I didn’t mention that before - they just come hand in hand) she’s totally ill equipped to do that sort of adminstrative stuff and finds it very stressful.

Anyway I’m sure she and her chilly boobs Grin are having a great time so I will try to stop worrying!

OP posts:
SeenYourArse · 03/07/2021 20:51

Some women and girls dress like this because we like looking good and the male attention and appreciation it gets 🤷‍♀️ It’s not always a bad thing 🙂

Kittykat93 · 03/07/2021 20:55

Not being funny but if shes 18, shes old enough to know that walking round in a really low top will show off her boobs and people will look. I don't think that needs to be explained to her. A lot of the young girls just enjoy the male attention and dont see it as a negative thing!