You're invited to a friends for dinner at 7pm, what time do you ring their doorbell?

[suggestionsplease1]

Out of interest, feel free to post to the minute!

Let's say this is not a very, very close friend, so you don't have a pre-existing idea of their expectations / preferences for your arrival time.

After reading another thread on visitor etiquette on AIBU today I was wondering if mumsnetters can converge on a perfect time, or if there are widely differing ideas on this issue!

Do people who serve on the dot of 7 pm expect their guests to turn up ten minutes before the time on the invitation? Because that would seem plain rude to me!

Again - none of them seem to be willing to answer the questions.

I actually don’t think any of them have ever hosted a dinner party, and so they’re answering theoretically. It’s the only possible explanation.

I'm with Nohomemadecandles and Tealeavesandscones that it is part of a social gathering. So the intention is to have drinks and nibbles (crisps, and carrot sticks with hummus this time) on arrival and a chat while the dinner finishes cooking (either all prepped so only throwing things into oven or onto BBQ; or longer-cooking dishes already substantially made and just finishing simmering/roasting/resting). But as someone may be late, or conversation may be interesting, timings need to be a bit fluid on actual serving (anything from 20 minutes to an hour after arrival - but not longer than that and only an hour if substantial snacks are involved). Table is set before guests arrive (and I normally try to have the detritus of prep at least in the dishwasher out of sight if not totally washed up and put away).

Usually, 15 minutes beforehand is the point at which sweaty, frazzled, just-finished-washup me covered in food stains etc is disappearing from the kitchen for a few minutes to calm myself, become clean and fragrant (towel off and perfume - generally no time for shower), and into clean and respectable clothes. Basically, changing from frantic commis chef to sparkling hostess mode mentally as well as physically changing. So I need those few minutes (or I end up a hysterical frazzled mess at some point later with all the things that have gone wrong).

If I'm told 7, I arrive for 7, having walked around nearby for a while to make sure I'm not early. I wouldn't expect food to be served then, I expect a bit of chat / mingling first.
If I was hosting and I'd said 7, I'd be ready for people to arrive at 7, but expect some people to be later than that just because you can't predict traffic / transport.

I think if you picked up dinner party etiquette from your parents, you must be from a MC background. My parents neither held nor attended dinner parties

I figured out the 'don't serve up on the dot of arrival' thing purely through common sense

And? I don't understand your point? That you are a superior human being because you worked something out without the help of your parents?

I am thoroughly middle class, which as I said, is not high born. It is not as if any of us can be held responsible for what sort of family we were born in to, or what our parents did or did not teach us.

I mentioned class because my post was in response to a pp with whom I agreed. Like many peoole, my parents taught me some etiquette and I picked up other things working in London. My experience is not that unusual I don't think.

@tealeavesandscones. I would expect people to arrive before 7 pm. I would then put dinner onto serving plates while they were being offered drinks which they take to table where the food would be waiting. I always say dinner at 7 pm in invitation

Yeah, that's odd! Sorry.

[quote ElinoristhenewEnid]@tealeavesandscones. I would expect people to arrive before 7 pm. I would then put dinner onto serving plates while they were being offered drinks which they take to table where the food would be waiting. I always say dinner at 7 pm in invitation [/quote]
You see if I received an invitation from you to come at 7pm, I genuinely wouldn't know that I was expected to arrive early.

[quote ElinoristhenewEnid]@tealeavesandscones. I would expect people to arrive before 7 pm. I would then put dinner onto serving plates while they were being offered drinks which they take to table where the food would be waiting. I always say dinner at 7 pm in invitation [/quote]
So what time is polite for your guest to arrive? 6.55? 6.45? 6.30?

Are people just supposed to guess?

@Tealeavesandscones

I think if you picked up dinner party etiquette from your parents, you must be from a MC background. My parents neither held nor attended dinner parties

I figured out the 'don't serve up on the dot of arrival' thing purely through common sense

And? I don't understand your point? That you are a superior human being because you worked something out without the help of your parents?

I am thoroughly middle class, which as I said, is not high born. It is not as if any of us can be held responsible for what sort of family we were born in to, or what our parents did or did not teach us.

I mentioned class because my post was in response to a pp with whom I agreed. Like many peoole, my parents taught me some etiquette and I picked up other things working in London. My experience is not that unusual I don't think.

You've missed my point entirely. You were generically saying that people pick this sort of thing up from their parents. I was just pointing out people from a WC background definitely won't pick it up from their parents.

You seem a bit chippy about it, but I wasn't insulting you!

And the MC / WC distinction is what is important here, because dinner parties aren't particularly common in WC circles, in my experience.

MC vs 'high born' is neither here nor there - both groups hold dinner parties.

I have friends from all different backgrounds. Amongst my British mc friends, it's standard to arrive 10-15 minutes after the stated time. I also have a Nigerian friend, she invited us to her ds birthday tea at 2pm...I arrived a few minutes after as I feel if it's a childs event, you arrive even closer to the stated time. I got to her front door at the same time as her, she was returning home from the supermarket with the food which she began cooking while I sat in her house for an hour and a half doing nothing! I remember being invited to an Asian wedding and arriving an hour late as was told it won't start on time. No one was there except the British guests wno sat around for another hour or so waiting for it to start . I find this really difficult...its like a guessing game. Just tell me the time, the actual, real time you want me there!!

[quote ElinoristhenewEnid]@tealeavesandscones. I would expect people to arrive before 7 pm. I would then put dinner onto serving plates while they were being offered drinks which they take to table where the food would be waiting. I always say dinner at 7 pm in invitation [/quote]
And that's another kettle of fish, isn't it?

Some people put the food on serving plates, some dish it out straight onto dinner plates and serve those at the table 🤔

It is usual to arrive a bit but not terribly late of course. Some will say, "7 for 7.30pm", others assume you know that but, honestly, if you got to your friend's house at 6.45pm I doubt they'd mind.

ComedyCook, I laughed at your post. I've had the same experience with similar friends.

Perhaps some of us are a little uptight about 'correct timings', but we can't help it.

I replied earlier to say that we would arrive a little after 7pm as that is totally the norm and expectation among our friends and wouldn't sit down to eat until about 8pm (drinks and nibbles beforehand)

Having said that, I do remember ONE occasion where this went wrong. We had an invite for Sunday lunch with local friends. We were invited for 12pm. Which seemed pretty early to me, so surely couldn't be eating at that time? And it was actually a weekend when the clocks changed so "really" 11am. And we had been out the night before, and we had moaning kids in tow. So I'm afraid we were properly half an hour late. Which is not great, but not normally disastrous either.

We turned up to find the Sunday roast all dished up and going cold since 12pm (aka 11am). Was mortified, but at the same time thinking "who the heck does that????"

To be clear, children's parties are another matter. You drop off as close to on the dot as possible. Though still not early. You collect just before the dot.

@Comedycook

I have friends from all different backgrounds. Amongst my British mc friends, it's standard to arrive 10-15 minutes after the stated time. I also have a Nigerian friend, she invited us to her ds birthday tea at 2pm...I arrived a few minutes after as I feel if it's a childs event, you arrive even closer to the stated time. I got to her front door at the same time as her, she was returning home from the supermarket with the food which she began cooking while I sat in her house for an hour and a half doing nothing! I remember being invited to an Asian wedding and arriving an hour late as was told it won't start on time. No one was there except the British guests wno sat around for another hour or so waiting for it to start . I find this really difficult...its like a guessing game. Just tell me the time, the actual, real time you want me there!!

🤣🤣, time difference is definitely bigger culturally but interesting to see the difference in minutes on here. Love getting in same time as the host from the supermarket 😅.

To be clear, children's parties are another matter. You drop off as close to on the dot as possible. Though still not early. You collect just before the dot

This, absolutely. I have a 'friend' who can often be a little bit early to drop off, so she can go for a run. About as welcome as a power cut.

Can I also add that once you've arrived to pick up your child, you accept the party bag with a smile, and depart pretty much straight away. Even if I'm smiling and giving off happy party vibes, I want you all out of here NOW

@irregularegular

I replied earlier to say that we would arrive a little after 7pm as that is totally the norm and expectation among our friends and wouldn't sit down to eat until about 8pm (drinks and nibbles beforehand)

Having said that, I do remember ONE occasion where this went wrong. We had an invite for Sunday lunch with local friends. We were invited for 12pm. Which seemed pretty early to me, so surely couldn't be eating at that time? And it was actually a weekend when the clocks changed so "really" 11am. And we had been out the night before, and we had moaning kids in tow. So I'm afraid we were properly half an hour late. Which is not great, but not normally disastrous either.

We turned up to find the Sunday roast all dished up and going cold since 12pm (aka 11am). Was mortified, but at the same time thinking "who the heck does that????"

They have no-one to blame but themselves!

I have never heard of serving food at the stated arrival time until this thread. That is not a social event, that is a refuel stop.

They don’t do that on TOWIE or Billie & Sam, I was going to say it’s an Essex thing, but the posh mummies in Battersea and Chelsea stay for drinks!! 🤣🤣

[quote ElinoristhenewEnid]@tealeavesandscones. I would expect people to arrive before 7 pm. I would then put dinner onto serving plates while they were being offered drinks which they take to table where the food would be waiting. I always say dinner at 7 pm in invitation [/quote]
I’m sorry but this is bizarre.

There’s no chance for people to relax with a pre-dinner drink and chat. What if they have a G&T but would prefer wine with dinner.

It is so bizarre.

I can’t imagine that poster has been on the receiving end of such hosting. Except maybe at her own parents’ house.

I would expect people to arrive before 7 pm. I would then put dinner onto serving plates while they were being offered drinks which they take to table where the food would be waiting. I always say dinner at 7 pm in invitation

Is this normal dinner party behaviour for anyone else? I've never experienced it in 3 decades of dinner party-ing.

@Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat

I would expect people to arrive before 7 pm. I would then put dinner onto serving plates while they were being offered drinks which they take to table where the food would be waiting. I always say dinner at 7 pm in invitation

Is this normal dinner party behaviour for anyone else? I've never experienced it in 3 decades of dinner party-ing.

No, very strange, @Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat is definitely unique in her entertaining procedure

I'm sure her friends know her idiosyncrasies and fit around them though. And isn't that mainly true? I know what my friends expect - in most cases about ten minutes late is good, one or two sticklers who would get huffy with that degree of lateness (although food wouldn't have been served), and one who would still be at the supermarket at 7pm buying the ingredients.

Problem is more if you're invited by someone you don't really know. Never happens to us any more, but I'd go with the consensus ten-minute principle that applies to people I do know.

Sorry, previous post should have referred to @Tealeavesandscones and her stressful-sounding dinner-party timing expectations

For some reason I'm imagining she might have worked on the railway in Germany ...