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Original poster

You're invited to a friends for dinner at 7pm, what time do you ring their doorbell?

853 replies

suggestionsplease1 · 01/07/2021 23:25

Out of interest, feel free to post to the minute!

Let's say this is not a very, very close friend, so you don't have a pre-existing idea of their expectations / preferences for your arrival time.

After reading another thread on visitor etiquette on AIBU today I was wondering if mumsnetters can converge on a perfect time, or if there are widely differing ideas on this issue!

OP posts:
NutterflyEffect · 04/07/2021 13:15

To be fair this thread is about going round a friends for dinner. Its not going for a fancy dinner party at your new bosses.

I hope that most of my friends like me enough to not be sitting there judging my ability to adhere to debretts. We're not in bridgerton entering society.

Maybe this is a generational thing? I think if I told any of my friends that I got my arrival time from a town and country mag or the etiquette school of america Id get laughed out of the room. I cant imagine anyone my age even contemplating reading those things, let alone allowing it to affect their actions. Social climbing and social standing, essentially classism, is a very old fashioned attitude that I think, and hope, young people are moving on from.

kindaclassy · 04/07/2021 13:16

To be fair this thread is about going round a friends for dinner. Its not going for a fancy dinner party at your new bosses.

It shouldn't make any difference on manners, that's the whole point.

Pretending that "young people" don't bother with them is funny, but you know it's completely untrue!

NutterflyEffect · 04/07/2021 13:23

@kindaclassy I said young people don't get their manners from an etiquette website, not that they don't have manners. And that class as a concept is becoming less important, which is a good thing.

Of course it makes a difference in how you behave ffs! My best friend I go round plonk myself on the sofa in my joggers, I would make myself and her a cup of tea as she would at mine. I wouldn't dream of doing that at my bosses house. If she turned up at mine and I was in my PJs it would not be embarassing whilst if my boss arrived and I was sat there in my dressing gown id probably never go back to work

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General relationships
RamItBunty · 04/07/2021 13:30

Manners are inclusionary and generally globally understood
Etiquette is exclusionary and steeped in misunderstanding
I do agree most people inc young people would not consult or refer to antiquated class steeped notion of etiquette. As clear on this thread etiquette is used as an exclusionary code. The apparent rules of etiquette are not made explicit yet those who breach etiquette are deemed rude or ill informed . People are expected to understand so called rules that are opaque and not explicit

kindaclassy · 04/07/2021 13:34

Only on MN do people go on etiquette website to learn the basics for a start.

And I assure you that none of my daughter's teen friends would be comfortable being in their pjs when their friends come round, they are much more bothered about their appearance than adults Grin

And they have manners, which always help.

kindaclassy · 04/07/2021 13:36

I do love that people who refuse to bother with manners and etiquette are always so quick to slag off others who do respect all this common sense and their friends, let alone stranger. Grin

It sounds more hard work to explain and justify rudeness to me, but each to their own!

RamItBunty · 04/07/2021 13:43

No one has said they are refusing to bother with manners. You’re simply making that up
Posters have queried that etiquette is steeped in unspoken rules and expectations. So,the invite says 7, yet according to some arrival at 7 is exceptionally rude (despite that being the notified time) on basis that guests are supposed to know about an unspoken habit some have

NutterflyEffect · 04/07/2021 13:45

@kindaclassy it is you who posted the etiquette articles. No one else is looking at etiquette articles bar you, and about 2 other posters. Does your daughter not have sleepovers? Has she never had a friend round to sit in their comfies watching films? Has she never had friends over to get ready for a party and you all turn up in leggings? When she goes to uni I can assure you that will change Grin

@RamItBunty I fully agree. Etiquette is designed to be exclusionary, the whole point, as evidenced by a couple of posters on this thread, is to highlight those who aren't in the know and used as a system to judge others. Manners is about being respectful and is generally a universally understood system, and even then I think most people have a bit of slack for other peoples manners, assuming that not everyone is the same as you and has had the same upbringing

Tealeavesandscones · 04/07/2021 13:53

But more for them, it is a crisis waiting to happen and I will politely decline from helping next time.

Surely it would be sensible to inform them of your decision and point them towards alternative sources of care/their gp before the next emergency happens?

Tealeavesandscones · 04/07/2021 13:55

@Tealeavesandscones

But more for them, it is a crisis waiting to happen and I will politely decline from helping next time.

Surely it would be sensible to inform them of your decision and point them towards alternative sources of care/their gp before the next emergency happens?

So sorry! Posted on wrong thread!
YellowSunshineSky · 04/07/2021 14:14

7.10 is the perfect arrival time

FlowerArranger · 04/07/2021 14:14

Some people are getting very worked up about this, but I believe the polite arrival time varies in line with different social circles, classes (Shock), and perhaps even regions/countries. So, if you're invited and you're not sure, just ask your host to clarify when would be an actual good time to arrife.

Also, the start time seems to vary along similar lines. People who consider themselves upper/middle class seem to eat later than others. In the US, people tend to eat way earlier. I also found, to my huge embarrassment, that in some parts of the US, it is considered normal to bring children along - without even checking with the host.

The first time this happened (I had just enough salmon steaks for the adults I thought I'd invited...) I concluded that these people were just a bit presumptuous, or perhaps had been let down by their babysitter, but then it happened again...... and again..... and again, and I realised that this was just the norm in this particular neck of the woods.

Roxy69 · 04/07/2021 14:48

7pm. The clue is in the invitation.

kindaclassy · 04/07/2021 18:05

NutterflyEffect
I only posted in reply to people pretending that they were made-up rules...

Does your daughter not have sleepovers?
Just as much as we do, but when invited for diner, our friends don't tend to arrive in their pjs, is that the dress code for yours?

Being rude and clueless when you visit someone won't have any consequence unless your hosts are extremely rude. Normal people will just smile and pretend your behaviour is absolutely normal and acceptable.

But if you are visiting friends, why on earth would you make yourself a nuisance or be willingly ill mannered? To childishly try to prove that you are above basic manners?

This thread is hilarious, but I have rarely met people like some of the posters in real life. And never have I been served food the minute I walked through the front door either!

NutterflyEffect · 04/07/2021 19:04

@kindaclassy no of course not. And you know that's not what I said, stop being so ridiculous. I think this is probably about the 10th time on this thread someone has had to say this to you.

No one has said they would willingly make themselves a nuisance or be ill mannered. They have simply said they would turn up at the time the host has said. Your repeated use of increasingly hyperbolic scenarios to justify your opinion is what is childish. For someone who is so insistent on etiquette and basic manners you might want to consider being a bit less judgmental

RamItBunty · 04/07/2021 19:17

@Roxy69

7pm. The clue is in the invitation.
Yup, that’s nailed it
SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 04/07/2021 19:22

As much as people love to rail against class, it is just too ingrained, and this is a class issue (I’m not in the UK, by the way, but the same unspoken rules apply where I am).

It’s not OK to arrive early - that is an absolute given. Most people would also be surprised to find their guests knocking on the door bang on the appointed time. Guests will arrive any time from 10 past to half past.

Dinner won’t be for at least another hour - probably more. So absolutely no issue with food going cold. Serving food bang on the appointed arrival time is unheard of.

None of this is an issue, or a minefield, for those who understand the ‘rules’, because everyone understands them.

If your friendship group operates differently - that’s fine too, and you don’t need to worry about inadvertently breaking any rules, because different rules apply.

And clearly arriving early is your own very fixed idea of ‘etiquette’ because you have decided on a random time, and are turning up to someone’s house before you are welcome.

Hairymoohead · 04/07/2021 19:32

@SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy

As much as people love to rail against class, it is just too ingrained, and this is a class issue (I’m not in the UK, by the way, but the same unspoken rules apply where I am).

It’s not OK to arrive early - that is an absolute given. Most people would also be surprised to find their guests knocking on the door bang on the appointed time. Guests will arrive any time from 10 past to half past.

Dinner won’t be for at least another hour - probably more. So absolutely no issue with food going cold. Serving food bang on the appointed arrival time is unheard of.

None of this is an issue, or a minefield, for those who understand the ‘rules’, because everyone understands them.

If your friendship group operates differently - that’s fine too, and you don’t need to worry about inadvertently breaking any rules, because different rules apply.

And clearly arriving early is your own very fixed idea of ‘etiquette’ because you have decided on a random time, and are turning up to someone’s house before you are welcome.

Absolutely but if you are picking your kids up from a play date 6pm means 6pm and not a minute later!
RamItBunty · 04/07/2021 19:34

What a myopic post you’ve described your experience of going for dinner and passed it off as the norm @SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy. You’ve simply listed your preferences and passed them off as the done thing. Making big verbose statements like unheard of and absolute given As if these are definitive and commonplace

Most people would also be surprised to find their guests knocking on the door bang on the appointed time. Guests will arrive any time from 10 past to half past. That’s simply not true, if you say 7 expect arrival from 7.

kindaclassy · 04/07/2021 19:34

As much as people love to rail against class, it is just too ingrained, and this is a class issue

It might be true, but posters will get even more offended than simply being called out on their poor manners! Grin

RamItBunty · 04/07/2021 19:55

@kinda you’re the poster who has repeatedly name called,made digs and been mean spirited throughout thread whilst conspicuously claiming to have exemplary manners .

Grellbunt · 04/07/2021 20:05

This reply has been deleted

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TheBullfinch · 04/07/2021 20:09

@Delphigirl

Cant believe this is still going. There are two camps. Camp A think it’s rude not to turn up on time or early because the food might get cold as apparently it will be hitting the table at 7.02. Camp B have been brought up to know that 7 means 7.15, that earlier is gauche and before 7 simply bad mannered and would be very surprised to see seated at the table before 7.30. Neither camp can understand the other. Camp A are furious about not understanding Camp B’s position and Camp B don’t care.

And that is the British class system in a nutshell.

^ This, in a nutshell ^
Bebethany · 04/07/2021 21:02

I’m camp A but can understand camp B. I’m a 3rd generation military girl, so that’s my reason! Loool

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 04/07/2021 21:39

@RamItBunty

What a myopic post you’ve described your experience of going for dinner and passed it off as the norm *@SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy*. You’ve simply listed your preferences and passed them off as the done thing. Making big verbose statements like unheard of and absolute given As if these are definitive and commonplace

Most people would also be surprised to find their guests knocking on the door bang on the appointed time. Guests will arrive any time from 10 past to half past. That’s simply not true, if you say 7 expect arrival from 7.

You’ve rather spectacularly missed my point - these things are a given, commonplace, and completely well understood among everyone I know and socialise with. And, it seems, with many others on this thread. Rail against it all you like.

My entire point is - people don’t need to worry about making a social faux pas, because everyone in their circle knows, understands, and adheres to the ‘rules’.

The rules are definitive and commonplace among people for whom they’re, well, definitive and commonplace! And it simply is true under these circumstances, that people don’t arrive bang on 7. Because they don’t.

It’s downright rude to arrive early, and considered considerate/polite to arrive a wee bit late, to give your host time tor any last-minute preparation, or even 10 or so minutes to sit down and relax.

Clearly things are arranged, or silently agreed, differently in your circle. That’s kind of my point.

And very much agree with @Hairymoohead - you definitely collect your kids bang on time from a play date! Grin I mean, unless they’re well established friends, or older DC, and things often are a bit more flexible!