Would you rather have another baby or a bigger house?

[HitsAndMrs]

I have 2 children and would like a third but it means we would have to wait a few more years to move to a bigger house. We have enough rooms but need more space.
We could give out DDs a big house with their own bedroom or we could have another child and experience the joy that comes with that.
I know this is a personal subjective question but wanted to see what you would do? For the record, my DDs would like another child! (We had a loss which they often talk about)

@Floralnomad I know. I do think though that parents play a huge role in determining the relationship between siblings. In making sure no favoritism is shown or implied, is spending individual time with each child on an equal basis, in ensuring that they know that each other is such a key figure in their lives - a sibling is the person you will know longer than anyone else in your life. Parents have to actively bring kids together and find shared interests if there are different genders / age ranges.

I’ve just had a similar dilemma. Went for baby and no regrets. Family complete and we will wait and see if we end up lucky enough to be in a financial position to have the bigger house, nicer cars and more exotic holidays but I will be quite content with what we have already (which is by no means a struggle - the kids have a bedroom each but no spare room, we can have lovely uk or European Airbnb holidays, and we have decent enough cars)

@Cupoftea53 I really have to disagree , some people including siblings just don’t get on whatever anyone does . I have never been that close to my eldest sister ( 4 yr difference) yet I’ve always been best friends with my middle sister our parents treated us all equally , we just don’t share common interests .

[quote Cupoftea53]@Floralnomad I know. I do think though that parents play a huge role in determining the relationship between siblings. In making sure no favoritism is shown or implied, is spending individual time with each child on an equal basis, in ensuring that they know that each other is such a key figure in their lives - a sibling is the person you will know longer than anyone else in your life. Parents have to actively bring kids together and find shared interests if there are different genders / age ranges.[/quote]
I think this can be difficult with such a big age gap as OP has.
I’m currently pregnant with our third. We made a decision that if we didn’t have our last one in the next year or two, the gap between our eldest and the baby would be too big.
I think it can be difficult for a 10-15 year old to process and appreciate the needs of a 0-5 year old and the change in the family dynamic.
I also think it can be difficult for a 6-10 year old to process and appreciate the different amounts of freedom/ privacy etc. an older 16-20 year old sibling would need.

Not impossible of course, but it needs to be handled very delicately.

I guess at ages 8 and 10 you have reached the golden stage where kids are independent but not yet terrible teens so do risk rocking the boat! But I do think it can improve the character of kids who have younger siblings. It makes them learn compromise and responsibility. It can also provide a bit of light relief to have a funny toddler around!

Honestly I think I felt quite scared that I am going to lose them soon now they are getting older (appreciate that might sound ridiculous as they are still young) but maybe it is the panic setting in and trying to prepare.

Can anyone relate to that or am I mad?

Priority for me is providing for the children we have. That means big enough home, activities, holidays, tech. Having a third child would effectively be taking a slice from our 2 children, and as they already have a sibling I really don't think another sibling outweighs the benefits from increased financial security and time with parents. Obviously speaking from my own financial position.

(And I feel more strongly about this having children of a similar age because I know I would unfairly distracted from them having to go back to baby days)

@Cupoftea53

in an ideal world I'd agree with you.

but some people are just not compatible. period.
and there's nothing you can do

I do think though that parents play a huge role in determining the relationship between siblings. In making sure no favoritism is shown or implied, is spending individual time with each child on an equal basis, in ensuring that they know that each other is such a key figure in their lives - a sibling is the person you will know longer than anyone else in your life. Parents have to actively bring kids together and find shared interests if there are different genders / age ranges.

I believed this so strongly before I had my children, I believed sibling rivalry was down to poor parenting, I fell out with people about it! But then I had my two who are just such opposite personalities that clash terribly, maybe it was karma, I have tried EVERYTHING I am extremely mindful of my role in their relationship, but I have just had to concede that at this time at least, they don't like each other and you can't force people to like each other, I'm just pleased if I can get them to tolerate each other long enough to do something as a family. It's not the life I wanted but it is what it is and I know it isn't because I haven't "actively brought them together".

@HitsAndMrs

Honestly I think I felt quite scared that I am going to lose them soon now they are getting older (appreciate that might sound ridiculous as they are still young) but maybe it is the panic setting in and trying to prepare.

Can anyone relate to that or am I mad?

I want a third and I think it is for this reason. I am already scared of having an empty nest and would like to fill my nest up. But even with another, well they grow up too...

Thank you all!

What if it's twins though?

Yes, I have had that 'they're growing up/I'm running out of time' wobble now and then. I try to put that energy into planning things with them that I've been putting off. I'm terrible at making these big lists of things to do, and then just leaving it.

Also making photo books or doing those hand-print things or those 'interview your kids and see what they say' things that are all over the internet to just take some time to capture that for later enjoyment.

user9086336 Fully getting that. I do think there are things that drive siblings apart without parents realizing it and I used to think if I didn't do the ones my parents did, then my kids would be so close -- and, well, they're nicer to each other than my siblings and I were, but that personality clash (and sometimes it's being too similar, sometimes it's being chalk and cheese or just being in different moods it seems sometimes) can just rub each other the wrong way no matter what. Can't really make them friends anymore than two unrelated people, some are just lucky and their parents support that well that it lasts.

Space for everyone to spread out, for teenagers to cook and entertain friends without us all being on top of each other- a place for them to exercise and hang out. Has prevented a lot of stress and conflict in my view.

Very much - my new home's layout with more separate spaces has been so nice in getting all of us out of each other's way, even though the square meter space isn't really bigger.

Over the weekend, my kids were playing card games (somehow very loudly) and I just read in peace elsewhere. It's made it nicer when we choose to be together when we've space to choose not to be.

I think all of your comments has made me appreciate what I have. My two get on really well at the moment but they do need their own space. I love time on my own and my eldest is very similar.

So I am going to try and look forward to the future with them, doing things together and giving them the best childhood I can.
I start work full time clinical nhs work in a few weeks and that we definitely be enough of a change!

House

I want a third and I think it is for this reason. I am already scared of having an empty nest and would like to fill my nest up. But even with another, well they grow up too...

Exactly- you are delaying the inevitable.

Best to invest in your own life so when they fly the miss is not so great.
I am down to one now and am looking forward to him too flying off- I have plans for his room already.........

@speakout

I want a third and I think it is for this reason. I am already scared of having an empty nest and would like to fill my nest up. But even with another, well they grow up too...

Exactly- you are delaying the inevitable.

Best to invest in your own life so when they fly the miss is not so great.
I am down to one now and am looking forward to him too flying off- I have plans for his room already.........

Haha love this! Have you ever felt the urge for another as they were growing up? And can you tell me I will be relieved rather than heartbroken when they leave me

A couple of things to consider, most things are set up for a family of 4 from hotel rooms, family tickets. With 2 children you can always divide and conquer, one child wants to do X and can go with one parent the other child wants Y goes with the other parent. Plus you have two close in age who you can cater for quite easily whereas if you had a third child you would be catering for preteens and a preschooler.

You could end up with twins or a child with special needs who needs more of your time. You have a child coming up to secondary school have you looked into the cost of supporting your child through university? We earn above the maximum income so our child's maintenance loan ie to pay his rent, food, etc is reduced by the amount the government expects us to contribute. We are expected to make up the shortfall which stands at £5k, per child, per year. That is £30k for my 2 children to go to uni. Just thought I would throw that in there.

Baby!

Bigger house would be more beneficial for the children you already have. They might like the idea of a sibling but in reality resources (including your time) will be stretched and they won’t really benefit imho.

I think you should focus on them and also on your own life and fulfilment.

Haha love this!
Have you ever felt the urge for another as they were growing up? And can you tell me I will be relieved rather than heartbroken when they leave me grin

I did want a 3rd when they were small. OH did not. I am very glad we stuck at 2. The teenage years have been very expensive- DD for instance threw herself into dancing as a hobby- at one point she was doing ( and I was paying for) 15 hours of dance class a week. A new pair of pointe shoes every fortnight at £80 a pop. Not to mention the Duke of Edinburgh outdoor gear, various school trips. DS had a gap year to New Zealand, which we contributed to.
DD is still at university and I pay for her car finance, insurance and running.
I don;t grudge these things, in fact I am glad I have been able to give them the opportunities.
But that would have been far more difficult with more children.

And yes you do miss them when they leave, but you are glad too.
That little child of 5/6/8 years old has already gone years ago, you are waving off a yong adut who towers above you.

So although the thought of have a child leave home sounds devastating when they are little, by the time they have beards you will feel quite differently.

Nature is pretty clever that way.

A bigger house for sure

@speakout

*Haha love this! Have you ever felt the urge for another as they were growing up? And can you tell me I will be relieved rather than heartbroken when they leave me grin*

I did want a 3rd when they were small. OH did not. I am very glad we stuck at 2. The teenage years have been very expensive- DD for instance threw herself into dancing as a hobby- at one point she was doing ( and I was paying for) 15 hours of dance class a week. A new pair of pointe shoes every fortnight at £80 a pop. Not to mention the Duke of Edinburgh outdoor gear, various school trips. DS had a gap year to New Zealand, which we contributed to.
DD is still at university and I pay for her car finance, insurance and running.
I don;t grudge these things, in fact I am glad I have been able to give them the opportunities.
But that would have been far more difficult with more children.

And yes you do miss them when they leave, but you are glad too.
That little child of 5/6/8 years old has already gone years ago, you are waving off a yong adut who towers above you.

So although the thought of have a child leave home sounds devastating when they are little, by the time they have beards you will feel quite differently.

Nature is pretty clever that way.

So sad that they have to grow up Thank you!

House.