Do you assume other women your age have kids?

[Echobelly]

This is one of those things that's changed since I was a kid (30+ years ago) that I find quite interesting. I have kids myself, but I've realised that my default position when I meet a woman of 30-40something out of context involving families(eg work) is to assume she doesn't have kids, and I seldom ask unless something they say or do suggests that may be the case

I imagine when I was a kid, most women 25+ would be assumed to be married and have kids as default. Of my long-term mates, I'd say only about 50% have children - we're mostly middle class, educated to uni level, if that might have any effect on how I see things, but I'd be interested to know what other people tend to assume about their female peers in terms of them being parents or not. I suspect it's not something we think about consciously most of the time, but different backgrounds may affect what we presume about other women's family situation.

I'm 39 and don't have kids. I don't really assume anything about others. That said, maybe I do as there is a woman at work and when I found out she had kids I was really surprised as she just doesn't seem like a mum (and I don't even know what that means).

I would presume they did to be honest

I’m in my late twenties and reasonably senior so new people assume I don’t have kids (which I do) and I assume other people my age at work don’t have kids (which they usually don’t). I still have a vague, probably childish assumption in the back of my mind that people in their forties onwards will be married with children, just because I think of those people as ‘proper grown ups’ unlike my own married parent self , but not to the point I’d actually verbalise the assumption.

I don’t ask outright because apart from anything else it’s a total conversation stopper. “Do you have children?” “No.” What is the asker’s next line, if they’re not socially challenged enough to say “that’s a shame/do you want them?/there’s still time” etc? Generally, particularly with lockdown, we’re all vaguely aware of who’s got kids, particularly small ones. We all talk about what we’ve done at the weekend, and most of the parents with kids younger than teenagers have had to apologise because they’ve got a child at home while they work due to a burst bubble at some stage. The conversation usually goes more like someone will mention in passing that they have children and then I’ll ask what age/s or vice versa and a bit of small talk follows from there. But there are plenty of other topics of small talk to engage in so it’s pretty easy for it not to come up, or to move on swiftly, for anyone who doesn’t want to discuss DC for whatever reason.

[quote WeatherSystems]@Ch3rish see, I'd fine it odd if I met someone new and they asked me whether I had kids. Like, it just seems not really relevant? It would be more typical to say stuff about the situation we're in (for example, a new workmate: chat about how work is going, a friend of a friend at a party: how they know our mutual friend or whether they have plans for summer, get chatting to someone new at a hobby group: how long they've been into the hobby or any favourite artists/authors and so forth).

If someone asked if I had kids I'd tell them but it would just seem a bit irrelevant. Like, are we going to go from just meeting to talking about our children? I'm sure there are more interesting things to discuss that aren't quite as immediately personal![/quote]
Exactly this.
Someone at a hobby group once asked me if I had any children just after I had my third miscarriage. I burst into tears and she looked mortified.

I have a child now and I still find it weird when people ask me if I have children. I like to think their are more interesting things about me than the fact I am a mum.

*there

Generally my default is to assume you don’t have kids unless you tell me.

I never assume whatever age, people are surprised I have adult children, I'm surprised how old the mums coming to toddler group (my work) are and as for the dads!!!

Should add all my friends are university educated etc and we all had kids in our mid 20's, the good thing is (apart from the fact they all came home in the pandemic) they have all left for university and we are child free!

@motogogo

I never assume whatever age, people are surprised I have adult children, I'm surprised how old the mums coming to toddler group (my work) are and as for the dads!!!

You work at a toddler group, and you're 'surprised' at the age of the mothers?

I don't understand this, can you elaborate?

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes

Do many posters on here not have kids out of interest? I’m quite new to MN and assumed anyone posting on a site like this is on it because they are a parent… I’ve obviously got that wrong!!

The majority do, but plenty of posters don't.

There are all kinds of reasons why people like MN. There are many boards that have nothing to do with kids and in some respects it's one of the biggest, most popular and diverse female-oriented forums on the web.

Some people joined while TTC and were unable to have kids in the end and stuck around. Others joined while considering parenthood, decided against it and stuck around. Others just stumbled across a thread while googling for something else and stayed, AIBU is one of the most popular boards for example and it's irrelevant whether you have children or not on here!

There are plenty of men, too. Dads and otherwise.

I'm almost 47 so yes.

or if not then I assume they won't

@Mousetown

It is just such a dicey topic, hopefully some people who hadn't realised what a painful subject it is for many people might be more cautious in the future.

I (very luckily) haven't experienced loss or infertility, but I was in a relationship for several years where I desperately wanted children but wasn't able to with that partner as he was reluctant/unsure. We eventually split and I went on to meet someone who did want them and have them. But for that period of time (while nowhere near as painful as loss or infertility), every time someone asked if I had kids it was like being kicked in the gut. It reminded me of how inferior I felt, the terror that I was getting older and might not end up with any, lots of painful and complex emotions. I imagine that's magnified a hundred times if you've been through a loss or infertility.

It's just one of those topics that is no big deal to a lot of people but acutely agonising to a decent proportion so I choose to tread wisely, and wish others would too.

I’m late 20s and none of my friends have children. My slightly younger friend had a late miscarriage 2 years ago and has been scared to try for another, understandably. I’m still usually the youngest Mum at baby/toddler groups which I didn’t expect because I’m 28 not 18. I’m uni educated from a MC background if that helps.

I'm 27, married with one child. I assume most women my age I talk to don't have kids but then it depends where I am. In the are I live i assume everyone has kids regardless of age but in one of my friendship groups, they are all in their 30's and only one woman has children. But they're all a bit posher than me, and mostly live down south.

I guess it's somewhat situational
If I met someone to do with my work I wouldn't assume as I know out of my female uni friends I was weirdly early having my first baby at 29 and many haven't had kids at all or are only having them now in their 40's - the joys of a career where you can't really qualify before you're into you mid/late 20's and is still really not female/family friendly.
In our village I might be more likely to assume that they had kids although probably not necessarily the same age as mine as I'm somewhat older than most of the other class mums at my kids schools.

I wouldn't assume it, no. I have 2 DC myself, however I have enough friends/acquaintances who either don't, or it has been a difficult journey for them to have their DC, that I wouldn't ask in conversation unless they brought up the topic specifically themselves. It can be quite a sensitive subject for people, especially women.

I was 10 years in the ivf game.
I did eventually have my son in 2019.

Absolutely no one forgets to have children. It's either a positive choice ( in which they will most likely tell u) or there's a long painful drawn out battle going on in the background

An Absolutely huge proportion of couples are infertile or living with sub fertility, and that number iS increasing year upon year