Do you assume other women your age have kids?

[Echobelly]

This is one of those things that's changed since I was a kid (30+ years ago) that I find quite interesting. I have kids myself, but I've realised that my default position when I meet a woman of 30-40something out of context involving families(eg work) is to assume she doesn't have kids, and I seldom ask unless something they say or do suggests that may be the case

I imagine when I was a kid, most women 25+ would be assumed to be married and have kids as default. Of my long-term mates, I'd say only about 50% have children - we're mostly middle class, educated to uni level, if that might have any effect on how I see things, but I'd be interested to know what other people tend to assume about their female peers in terms of them being parents or not. I suspect it's not something we think about consciously most of the time, but different backgrounds may affect what we presume about other women's family situation.

I generally assume that women in my age have children. Twice it has happened that they didn't have. A bit awkward moment so now I try not to assume.

'i know that even the question 'do you have kids?' can be painful for many reasons so I choose not to ask it.'

And thank you for that. It can be very painful, and awkward, to be asked that question, especially since people often respond weirdly when you say you don't have any. There's really no need to ask anyway - if people have children, they tend to bring them up pretty quickly in conversation. I agree with others - there are SO MANY other things to talk about, whether you have kids or not

No I don't assume either way. I'm late 30s. Group of about 10 schoolfriends: 6 do, 4 don't. Uni friends I think everyone does now. Another group of close friends, 2 do, 3 don't. None of the ones who don't are in relationships right now and given our ages its likely most of them won't go on to have children.

I would possibly bring it up vaguely in a work context - generally when chatting about my day/evening something to do with my child would come up, if someone showed interest or asked how old, I might ask if they had kids, if they avoided the topic I wouldn't push any further. I can't imagine working with someone for a year and not knowing if they had kids though.

No wouldn't assume automatically. I'm 41 and amongst colleagues and friends around my age less than 50% have children.

@Ch3rish

That makes a bit more sense I guess rather than your original post that said you'd never ask.

I'd still find it unusual when making a new friend not to ask, what if she has the same policy and you end up friends but neither know whether the other has children

But it usually comes up doesn't it. If we were talking lockdown, it would be a deliberate act to not mention I spent it homeschooling with newborn twins. Work - no, I'm home with the kids. Hobbies - I used to do X but it's harder since I had the twins. Holidays - hopefully X as it suits us with 3 small kids. Staying out clubbing all night? Oh god no. The kids will be awake at 6. I can't think of any reason why I'd ask explicitly if they had kids without it being part of a conversation about it already

49 and yes I would assume that women my age have children.

If I meet someone 20s/early 30s probably wouldn’t make that assumption.

@Lottapianos

'i know that even the question 'do you have kids?' can be painful for many reasons so I choose not to ask it.'

And thank you for that. It can be very painful, and awkward, to be asked that question, especially since people often respond weirdly when you say you don't have any. There's really no need to ask anyway - if people have children, they tend to bring them up pretty quickly in conversation. I agree with others - there are SO MANY other things to talk about, whether you have kids or not

Before I had a child I often felt like the response 'no' to the asker felt a bit... like there was a pregnant pause after it?

Like the question demanded more information. A straight 'no, I don't!' and then subject change often worked, but it really did feel like there was pressure to explain why, like 'no, but I'd like them someday', 'no, I don't want them', 'well we're trying so we'll see' or whatever. Or I know many women who don't have kids feel like they're expected to say that they don't have them but then justify it with 'but I love kids!' and talk about their nieces and nephews and so forth.

You're totally right. People usually end up bringing their kids up. To the previous poster who said it shouldn't be a dirty secret, it's not. I am happy to mention briefly my child if it's relevant, but that's really different to asking someone if they have kids.

People often say things like 'well you can't avoid every topic in case it's painful, you don't not talk about your mum in case the other person has lost theirs' but that is a false equivalency, it would only be similar if instead of saying 'I'm seeing my mum this weekend' you said 'do you still have your mum/see your mum?' which, again, is an invasive question.

People with kids will almost always bring them up if they want to.

I normally presume that if a man or woman do have children that they are roughly the same age as mine.

Well we all have different conversational styles obviously but if I'd prefer to know if someone has children, if they don't then I'd rather not upset or bore them by talking about mine especially if it's a sensitive subject. Is there not a danger of it becoming an elephant in the room if you don't find out?

You might make a comment about your child but if the other person doesn't mention having a child you still don't know which I'd think would make for more awkwardness as you get to know them better

I think there has also been increasing awareness that it can be a sensitive topic.

I'm mid 30s and middle class/professional. Most of my friends are 35-40 and almost all have children. That aside, I would never ask someone if they had kids because I'm perfectly aware of how rude it is.

I'm 34 and don't tend to ask unless anyone mentions kids to me. When asked about my family I do mention that I have kids. I think people are less reluctant to ask me because I'm asian and so they assume I will have kids. Things are changing though and I have friends my sister's age 31 who don't have kids.

I’m 26 so no. The mean age of mother at her first birth in 2019 was 28.9, it hasn’t been 26.9 or lower since 2002.

but if I'd prefer to know if someone has children, if they don't then I'd rather not upset or bore them by talking about mine especially if it's a sensitive subject. Is there not a danger of it becoming an elephant in the room if you don't find out? So you want to know so you can put them into their allocated "childless" box where you only talk about holidays and TV? Lots of women without children are still interested in yours, lots with children aren't. Lots are v conscious that as soon as they're labelled CHILDLESS they're treated differently because they can't possibly understand anything of what life must be like for you.

If you notice someone changes the subject when kids are mentioned or react uncomfortably I'd stop mentioning it. If they seemed interested I wouldn't. If someone never mentioned a child I'd assume they didn't have one. If it comes out they do they're unlikely to be upset you assumed the opposite

No. I'm 30, lots of women my age don't have children. Or if they do they're usually a lot younger than my child (8).

I got asked if I had children once when I was 19!

Well I am in my 60's and lots of my friends and family of my age don't have children.

@WeatherSystems

Thank you. After 3 losses I find it incredibly painful when people ask this and I'd really appreciate it if everyone was so sensitive as you. I'm happy to talk about my nieces or their kids etc if the topic comes up but a straight 'do YOU have kids?' feels very confronting.

Plus I'm early 30s so do get asked a lot, or "when are you guys going to get on with having kids!", or the lively 'tick tock!!' I had from a colleague a few months ago, I wanted to shout the truth at them

I don’t assume and I wouldn’t ask, because I know it can be a sensitive subject. Tbh I’m sometimes surprised I have a child myself.

'Lots are v conscious that as soon as they're labelled CHILDLESS they're treated differently because they can't possibly understand anything of what life must be like for you'

Very true. I certainly don't advertise the fact that I don't have children, unless I find myself talking to a fellow childfree woman.

@Ch3rish

I think talking about your kids to someone can be quite boring to be honest whether they have kids or not!

But I know people without kids who ask questions about mine and who are interested in talking about them (maybe politeness, who knows) and people with kids who want nothing more than to not have yet another discussion about children. A good friend of mine met up with me at the pub the other night (we know one another through having similar aged kids) and the first thing she said when she sat down was 'right, NO kid talk tonight!' haha.

I guess it just honestly doesn't matter to me whether someone has kids or not, and I know it can be an incredibly upsetting and alienating question, so if I'm getting to know someone on a friendship level I know I'll discover at some point when it comes up, it would never be the elephant in the room. But until that point I just wouldn't ask. The vast majority of new people you meet aren't going to become firm friends, they're just acquaintances or pals or friends or friends, it doesn't really affect the interaction either way whether you know if they have kids or not. It's not the most interesting thing about a person to me.

I don’t assume as I have a friend who is my age with no children. & others that have only just started having children (& 1 couple who are struggling after 10 years trying)

Naturally in conversation people ask mainly because I mention something, but it’s not something I ask outright as I have a mixture of friends in different and (none of my business) places in their lives.

I'm 54, I still have one dc still in school. I'm in the NE of England. I'd never assume another woman had dc, I think of the people I know only about 50% do. I don't even mention my own dc, never mind there's, lol

I’m mid 40s. Most do, some don’t. A good friend is a matrimonial lawyer and she’s often asked by clients if she has children. She doesn’t and says firmly god, absolutely not!! I’ve told her no is fine 🙄.

Do people really ask this?! I can’t say I’ve been asked nor would I ask. I can’t think who would.

The question about assumption is i would honestly really not know!