Do you assume other women your age have kids?

[Echobelly]

This is one of those things that's changed since I was a kid (30+ years ago) that I find quite interesting. I have kids myself, but I've realised that my default position when I meet a woman of 30-40something out of context involving families(eg work) is to assume she doesn't have kids, and I seldom ask unless something they say or do suggests that may be the case

I imagine when I was a kid, most women 25+ would be assumed to be married and have kids as default. Of my long-term mates, I'd say only about 50% have children - we're mostly middle class, educated to uni level, if that might have any effect on how I see things, but I'd be interested to know what other people tend to assume about their female peers in terms of them being parents or not. I suspect it's not something we think about consciously most of the time, but different backgrounds may affect what we presume about other women's family situation.

I've never been asked about whether I have kids - it may be partially that I look quite young, so people who meet me to tend to assume I'm early 30s, not early 40s.

I am 52, have two older teenagers and work alongside a lot of other women all different ages, backgrounds, some have children, others dont. Some are in relationships, some are like me and on their own. It's a real mixed bag, same goes for my friendships and family, l think it makes life more interesting, and l don't tend to assume one way or other.

I am terrible at guessing people's ages so I tend to try and keep my mouth shut / only follow their lead in case I guess something inappropriately! Twice now I've assumed other women to be grandparent-aged and it turned out they are mothers to small children. And I've also assumed the reverse, i thought someone was my age (32) recently and then she mentioned her 30-year-old son and I nearly fell over. I think I am just a bit face-blind
I'm also aware it can be a sensitive subject so would try to only ask about their kids if they've left clues that they actually have kids.
I do get asked myself if I have kids quite a lot which is probably due to the nature of my job (midwife) - at first people just outright assumed I didn't have any kids, but I guess the stress of doing the degree and job has aged me as people do now ask I don't mind and just tell them about my kids but I know some of my colleagues do find it a painful question, sadly.

No I don't. I know lots of women (and men) 30+ who don't.

No I don't. I'm 36, and still feel too young to have kids. I still assume women with children are older than me, even though a lot of the time they are a good deal younger!

Agree with everyone saying it's best not to ask. I hate people asking me whether I have kids. I don't have them and always feel like the conversation turns slightly awkward when I say no.

I'm 40. Three out of the six of my close group of friends of the same age have children.

We were all similarly educated.

I'm late 30's and it's been assumed a few times. Usually bu people who don't know me very well because once you got to know me you'd realise what a terrible idea me being a mum would be
I do find it a bit rude, it's like it's assumed that is the purpose to my life...

I'm late 40s and childfree so I don't assume other women of my age have children.

It usually becomes obvious pretty quickly when they do, as it gets dropped into conversation. I'd never ask, though, in case it was a sensitive subject.

I really appreciated the many posters who understand how sensitive some people can be to the question 'do you have children' and wait for the other person to mention whether they have children.

Really, very much appreciated.

No, because I don’t! At 38, I assume not unless told otherwise. Tbf the parents soon let you know about their kids within about 3 mins of meeting them. Yawn.

I’m 30s and would also assume women my age don’t have kids. But that’s because I don’t and none of my friends in the city do either - I’m sure if/once I have them I’ll switch to assuming everyone has them - I think we project onto others a bit

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes

I’m mid 40s. Most do, some don’t. A good friend is a matrimonial lawyer and she’s often asked by clients if she has children. She doesn’t and says firmly god, absolutely not!! I’ve told her no is fine 🙄.

Do people really ask this?! I can’t say I’ve been asked nor would I ask. I can’t think who would.

The question about assumption is i would honestly really not know!

Us childfree women have learnt to be emphatic, if you say 'no' you start getting 'oh there's still time' and 'my neighbours, cousins best friend had IVF and…', despite the fact we don't want children. My aunt was childfree and still being told in her 60s there 'was still time to have a family' and 'aw what about adopting?'. So she started being more like your friend

I’m 32, childfree and I don’t ever think about whether other women have kids or not tbh. I suppose my default would be to assume not, because among my friends ranging from mid-20s to 40 only one has a kid. I’m in London and tend to mix with other career-minded people so it’s normal for people to be single and not have kids in that age range

Us childfree women have learnt to be emphatic

Yes. It's fine now I'm obviously too old to be having them, but you do have to be firm when you're younger. Or say 'No!' in a shocked voice, as if having children was a bizarre and unusual practice.

@Lottapianos

'i know that even the question 'do you have kids?' can be painful for many reasons so I choose not to ask it.'

And thank you for that. It can be very painful, and awkward, to be asked that question, especially since people often respond weirdly when you say you don't have any. There's really no need to ask anyway - if people have children, they tend to bring them up pretty quickly in conversation. I agree with others - there are SO MANY other things to talk about, whether you have kids or not

I'm 48 and do have a child, but I was contentedly childfree till I was 40, and thus had the full gamut of bizarre/intrusive/pitying responses to me saying I didn't have children. I don't assume either, and if it emerges that someone doesn't, I certainly don't ever come out with the kind of utter nonsense I got from so many people before I had DS.

(And still get a version of when they discover I have one child, because apparently it's not quite enough, and a 'selfish' decision, almost as selfish as the decision not to have a child at all!)

And it's not just that I'm aware that the reasons some people don't have children are painful ones, it's also just that so many of the responses I got when I was happily childfree were so fucking dumb and patronising, that I feel at least I can be one parent who's not going to come out with 'Ooh, you'll change your mind!' or 'Who'll look after you when you're old?' or 'Oh, you don't KNOW UNCONDITIONAL LOVE until you've had a child!' or some other witless nonsense about life being monochrome unless you've had a baby.

I don't assume (maybe because we're childfree?) and I never ask - I know far too many people who have had infertility issues, of all descriptions, to ask about children unless it's volunteered.

But, most of the people I work with are uni educated and are having children later or not at all. Most of the people I went to school with stayed in our (rural) community, and have settled down and had children. One girl I knew was having her second child before I graduated - I think going to uni tends to delay a lot of the other life choices you can take (marriage, kids, mortgage [if affordable]).

I'm mid/late 30s and have had people assume I have >small< children and looked surprised when I say no, they are teens. I wasn't even a teenage mum.

Never assume anything about anyone is the way to go!

@AdventureIsWaiting

I don't assume (maybe because we're childfree?) and I never ask - I know far too many people who have had infertility issues, of all descriptions, to ask about children unless it's volunteered.

But, most of the people I work with are uni educated and are having children later or not at all. Most of the people I went to school with stayed in our (rural) community, and have settled down and had children. One girl I knew was having her second child before I graduated - I think going to uni tends to delay a lot of the other life choices you can take (marriage, kids, mortgage [if affordable]).

Totally agree with this. The people I went to school with who stayed in my hometown largely have kids. The ones who moved out to cities don’t. I’ve never been asked whether I have kids apart from one occasion and that was by someone in my hometown about a decade ago (when I was 21, so my response was very much the ‘ewww no of course not!’ variety)

All except 1 of my close school and uni friends don’t have children, I am 38. So I would never assume and it can be a boring topic as a PP mentioned so doesn’t need to be a direct question

@pinkphone

I am terrible at guessing people's ages so I tend to try and keep my mouth shut / only follow their lead in case I guess something inappropriately! Twice now I've assumed other women to be grandparent-aged and it turned out they are mothers to small children. And I've also assumed the reverse, i thought someone was my age (32) recently and then she mentioned her 30-year-old son and I nearly fell over. I think I am just a bit face-blind I'm also aware it can be a sensitive subject so would try to only ask about their kids if they've left clues that they actually have kids. I do get asked myself if I have kids quite a lot which is probably due to the nature of my job (midwife) - at first people just outright assumed I didn't have any kids, but I guess the stress of doing the degree and job has aged me as people do now ask I don't mind and just tell them about my kids but I know some of my colleagues do find it a painful question, sadly.

I deliberately didn’t ask my male or female midwives whether they had kids, because imo it’s irrelevant to the job. And it must be awful being asked that constantly if it’s a painful topic, and patients questioning your professional capabilities if you don’t.

I’m mid 30’s and childless and I’d much prefer it if you didn’t ask me about it

Also the PP who said the conversation would be awkward if you didn’t ask… I have literally never asked anyone. It wouldn’t even occur to me to ask or even think about it!

I'd certainly never dream of telling anyone they should have children or they'll change their minds. I know plenty of people who never want kids!

I'm not sure, I don't think I tend to think about that, but generally I assume that if someone wants to discuss their kids in a work/similar situation, then they'll bring them up and that not everyone who has kids wants to talk about them when working or at adult events.

I generally don't - they're not a secret, I just have other topics too that I might not be able to talk about in as many places. One of the best work environments I was in years ago, I could discuss research and other projects, future ideas, people's point of views on concepts and no one would change the topic to my bump even at 8 months. It felt like the only place at the time out of my home where I could enjoy being entirely me and not just pregnant me.

Im interested that you'd never ask, that must make general chit chat/getting to know you/passing the time coversation rather stilted and contrived

For me, it's been the opposite - I've had situations where there was interesting conversation, and then they found out I had kids and the conversations became very contrived around kids and it did feel stifling and like we had to go through the motions of discussing them every time even though the space we were in had nothing to do with our kids.

For me, it doesn't take much deliberate thought to not mention my children. Probably easier as my kids are older and we're old hats at home education, but out of work, hobbies, holidays, and clubbing, only the last one makes me think I might mention them as I only went when my spouse wasn't working so I had childcare, but I'd probably just discuss what a disaster last time was - someone still owes me money for taxi fare after she drank hers and started fights with random men that us sober people had to deal with - and discuss alternatives that might be available sooner.

I would assume folk my age had kids yes, I'm 34 in a wide age range of friends and have only 1 child free friend.