Do you assume other women your age have kids?

[Echobelly]

This is one of those things that's changed since I was a kid (30+ years ago) that I find quite interesting. I have kids myself, but I've realised that my default position when I meet a woman of 30-40something out of context involving families(eg work) is to assume she doesn't have kids, and I seldom ask unless something they say or do suggests that may be the case

I imagine when I was a kid, most women 25+ would be assumed to be married and have kids as default. Of my long-term mates, I'd say only about 50% have children - we're mostly middle class, educated to uni level, if that might have any effect on how I see things, but I'd be interested to know what other people tend to assume about their female peers in terms of them being parents or not. I suspect it's not something we think about consciously most of the time, but different backgrounds may affect what we presume about other women's family situation.

Yes I would agree, but think it's just come from the environments I've worked in as the majority of women haven't had children.

My friends are now starting to have kids but I have worked with far more childfree women than otherwise.

I wouldn’t assume they have kids. Out of 5 of us in my closet group of friends 2 of us don’t have children by choice and 1 who does now what children have issues conceiving. I would never ask a women if she has children.

No, I’m 29 and would be surprised to meet someone my age who was married with children. However, I do think this is very dependent on the area you live. Me and my friends all live in London, are university educated and have “career” type jobs and lots are still single over 30 and not particularly looking to settle down.

Hmm- interesting. I don't think I make a clear assumption one way or the other, but might depend where I met them, so if it was in the middle of a weekday I might assume they did have kids and are a SAHM as otherwise they'd be at work, especially if I met them in a group of people who I knew did have kids. I do have a lot of friends who don't have kids though. If I met a woman at a party or at work, I wouldn't assume either way, although that said, if she was very senior, at work I suspect my default might be "no kids".

I'm a little older than you but the age of the women wouldn't affect whether I thought she had children I'm actually hopeless at even guessing how old people are so wouldn't be possible

I don't make any assumptions, I'd ask, same as I would with a man

I am 39 and childfree, and I tend to assume other people my age don't have kids, even though statistically they are quite likely to have them.

This is because I am still 21 in my head, and so is everyone else I grew up with. I'm perpetually alarmed to discover that they're all knocking on middle age and greying like me.

I'm 30 and none of my friends have kids so, no, I wouldn't assume a woman my age has kids.

I'm 31 and most of my peers have at least 1 child.

Also, like a pp, I've mostly worked in industries where many women stay childfree, and I have a lot of gay friends.

@Fitforforty

I wouldn’t assume they have kids. Out of 5 of us in my closet group of friends 2 of us don’t have children by choice and 1 who does now what children have issues conceiving. I would never ask a women if she has children.

Im interested that you'd never ask, that must make general chit chat/getting to know you/passing the time coversation rather stilted and contrived

Whether someone has children isn't a dirty secret, seems a little odd to have such a rigid rule.

Im interested that you'd never ask, that must make general chit chat/getting to know you/passing the time coversation rather stilted and contrived

Whether someone has children isn't a dirty secret, seems a little odd to have such a rigid rule

I wouldn't ask unless it naturally came up.

It's not about it being a dirty secret, it's about it being a painful topic for many people so I choose not to ask most of the time.

I'm 41. I generally assume most people my age have kids. Most of my friends and people I work with that are similar ages have kids.

At my DC school, I am one of the oldest mums there. A lot of people who I assumed were parents on the school run are actually the grandparents.

That makes a bit more sense I guess rather than your original post that said you'd never ask.

I'd still find it unusual when making a new friend not to ask, what if she has the same policy and you end up friends but neither know whether the other has children

I'm 37, most of our friendship group don't have children and don't intend to,

Out of about 11 couples only 2 couples have kids.

@TheLeadbetterLife

I am 39 and childfree, and I tend to assume other people my age don't have kids, even though statistically they are quite likely to have them.

This is because I am still 21 in my head, and so is everyone else I grew up with. I'm perpetually alarmed to discover that they're all knocking on middle age and greying like me.

This!!

@Ch3rish

That makes a bit more sense I guess rather than your original post that said you'd never ask.

I'd still find it unusual when making a new friend not to ask, what if she has the same policy and you end up friends but neither know whether the other has children

Quote fail, I was replying to @Fitforforty

I'm mid thirties. I'd never presume someone had kids, any more than I'd presume they were married or single, homeowners or renters, worked or were unemployed.

It's quite rare in my circle to have kids before your thirties and even then it's more common to have your first mid to late thirties. But even at forty I won't be assuming another woman my age has kids.

The subject of children or not can be very, very painful for many women. Women who are trying but unable to get pregnant, women who have had a loss, women who want them but can't meet a partner or afford to go it alone, women who have a partner who is reluctant or unwilling but who want them desperately and are trying to work up the courage to leave. While I recognise many topics can cause pain to somebody and you can't refuse to talk about everything, personally I'm very careful when it comes to the topic. I don't bring kids up unless someone else does, and if they do raise the topic and it seems appropriate I usually ask if they are close to any children in their life rather than whether they have them. People who ask about kids are usually involved with them in some way or another and people who don't have them might still be close to nieces or nephews or the children of their friends and so it makes it a topic we can discuss rather than a simple 'I have kids, you don't.

I've spent a lot of time on infertility and TTC forums and I know that even the question 'do you have kids?' can be painful for many reasons so I choose not to ask it.

Im interested that you'd never ask, that must make general chit chat/getting to know you/passing the time coversation rather stilted and contrived

Whether someone has children isn't a dirty secret, seems a little odd to have such a rigid rule.

There are so, so many other things to ask and discuss. What someone does in their free time, whether they've seen anything they recommend on TV lately or read any good books, if they've seen a specific news article, whether they enjoy their job, anything. I find that if it's getting to the stage of becoming friends kids naturally come up anyway but I'd prefer that to asking someone I've just met or barely know. Someone mentioning they're leaving early to get to nursery pickup is them talking about their own life, it's different to putting the spotlight on another person by asking them directly if they have children, a question that can be really painful.

I don't hide that I have a child but I don't bring him up to new people randomly or ask people if they have kids.

@Bibidy

Im interested that you'd never ask, that must make general chit chat/getting to know you/passing the time coversation rather stilted and contrived

Whether someone has children isn't a dirty secret, seems a little odd to have such a rigid rule

I wouldn't ask unless it naturally came up.

It's not about it being a dirty secret, it's about it being a painful topic for many people so I choose not to ask most of the time.

This is what I do. There are millions of things to talk about which don’t include children. Often questions about what they are up to at the weekend leave the opportunity for people to mention children.

Im interested that you'd never ask, that must make general chit chat/getting to know you/passing the time coversation rather stilted and contrived
It's weird you think not knowing someone's child-state would make a conversation stilted and contrived when the information might be completely irrelevant to the situation.
I'd usually mention my kids at some point and then someone comments back about their or empathy etc

Mid thirties.
Most of my friends either have kids or trying.
Several of my slightly older friends (40s) weren't able to conceive. I never presume that any person wants or can have children.

@SleepingStandingUp

Im interested that you'd never ask, that must make general chit chat/getting to know you/passing the time coversation rather stilted and contrived It's weird you think not knowing someone's child-state would make a conversation stilted and contrived when the information might be completely irrelevant to the situation. I'd usually mention my kids at some point and then someone comments back about their or empathy etc

I guess it depends on the people you come across. Personally I'd find it a bit odd if I meet someone for the first time and they asked me what TV programmes I'd enjoyed recently or what my hobbies are

I know my real life so very far removed from MNland, this is another example. Most popular topics I come across are where people live, what they do for work, family situation and for the past year covid stuff

38, 5 out of my group of 8 close school friends have children. None of the 3 who don't have dc are in relationships. Can't see them having children.

@Ch3rish see, I'd fine it odd if I met someone new and they asked me whether I had kids. Like, it just seems not really relevant? It would be more typical to say stuff about the situation we're in (for example, a new workmate: chat about how work is going, a friend of a friend at a party: how they know our mutual friend or whether they have plans for summer, get chatting to someone new at a hobby group: how long they've been into the hobby or any favourite artists/authors and so forth).

If someone asked if I had kids I'd tell them but it would just seem a bit irrelevant. Like, are we going to go from just meeting to talking about our children? I'm sure there are more interesting things to discuss that aren't quite as immediately personal!

I don't think anyone is talking about a “Hello Jayne, nice to meet you,do you have children?” first ever conversation.

This started in response to a poster who said she'd never ask a women if she had children. Which I still maintain is unusual. However that poster then rowed back to a less rigid approach