Do you assume other women your age have kids?

[Echobelly]

This is one of those things that's changed since I was a kid (30+ years ago) that I find quite interesting. I have kids myself, but I've realised that my default position when I meet a woman of 30-40something out of context involving families(eg work) is to assume she doesn't have kids, and I seldom ask unless something they say or do suggests that may be the case

I imagine when I was a kid, most women 25+ would be assumed to be married and have kids as default. Of my long-term mates, I'd say only about 50% have children - we're mostly middle class, educated to uni level, if that might have any effect on how I see things, but I'd be interested to know what other people tend to assume about their female peers in terms of them being parents or not. I suspect it's not something we think about consciously most of the time, but different backgrounds may affect what we presume about other women's family situation.

I don’t assume, and I don’t ask. I don’t have kids myself, and I know it’s a question that is either very dull or very painful for all child-free women (even the young ones. It’s not my business what their intentions are, and I don’t really care.) And I’ve never met a mother who didn’t manage to shoehorn it into the conversation at some point, so I’m not concerned about missing out on essential information.

I don't think I've ever thought about whether or not someone has kids at any age. I wouldn't assume either way.

I'm childfree and while I might wonder (in the general scope of stuff that passes through my mind) I certainly wouldn't ask them. I remember the wife of a colleague bringing their new baby into work years ago and asking one of the women there if she had kids - she said no but I knew that she couldn't have any so that kind of question must be difficult.

I also remember being out with a friend and her kid and us bumping into a friend of her DH - the guy made a comment about her "giving DD a little brother or sister" and she laughed and said he must know something she didn't. She did eventually have another kid but confided that she'd struggled to get pregnant second time around.

If anyone asks me I say no and that I'm happy being an auntie.

I’m early 30s and have two young children. I find a lot of women in my workplace (professional, degree educated women of roughly the same age as me) are overtly negative about having children. I rarely mention mine because they clearly don’t like talking about children and if I ever make a passing comment about them, I’ll get remarks such as “that’s another reason why I’ll never tie myself down like that” and my particular favourite from a colleague “having kids sounds crap”. Just rude.

So no I don’t assumed other women my age have children - I feel like the majority my age don’t!

I'm 33, married with 4 kids. Most women I know around my age have at least one child. I do have 3 friends, 2 the same age and one a few years older that don't have kids but they are in lesbian relationships. One couple is thinking about trying and the others don't want kids. But I would say in the social circle I mix in, most women started having kids in their 20s.

I'm 38 and yes I'd assume women around my age had children but you can generally tell from their initial conversation whether they do or not so I don't often feel the need to ask.....for example I met a new female colleague today. She talked about her dogs a lot nothing else, whereas parents with children tend to naturally talk about them eg "can't stay for a drink after work I've got to get home to the kids"

I experienced severe fertility issues and am very open about it. The fact I'm open about it usually leads other women and actually a lot of men to then say they have/are experiencing the same and hope for children in the future

I never ask if someone has kids as I don't want to trigger them if they have had infertility etc. I bring mine up once in the conversation and if the person does not reciprocate I move onto a different subject

I don't assume and I don't ask because it's never relevant really. If I've met someone in a child related context eg school then clearly they have care of a child, if it's any other context it's not information I need. As you get to know people you get to know about the people in their lives eg their parents, siblings, partner, kids etc and it'll come up then.

And tbh another reason I don't ask is because I know it's often a difficult question especially for women because patriarchy. And if there's no need to ask a potentially difficult question then why would you.

No, but I think that's more to do with my social/professional circle than my age.

I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I'd say that around a third of my friends/colleagues have children, actually more heavily weighted among the men than the women.

Early 40's and I usually assume people don't have kids and am often surprised when they actually do. I tend to assume people don't have partners either, not sure why. In my head everyone lives alone doing exactly what they like all the time.

Interesting - I've never actually thought about (I'm 33 with 2 children).
I think its because I'm terrible at guessing ages. Like the women in my team at work - they could be 25 or 40 but I can't tell

No, I wouldn't assume women my age have children and I would never ask - years of infertility treatment made me dread meeting new people/starting a new job and have to answer the kids question.

I assume worn I meet in chid situations have children - so school, kids activities.
I wouldn’t assume women I met outside that did simply because all my childless friends are not childless by choice and I wouldn’t want to upset someone needlessly.

No, I don't assume. Well, unless they are in the crowd of people waiting to pick up from cubs or swimming lesson or football coaching each week - you'd have to be a bit of a hero to be doing that for someone else if you don't have dc.

Why would anyone assume that? Lots of people don't have dc.

But I don't think @Ch3rish is wrong in that when you are getting to know people, your family is something that is generally a fairly neutral thing to ask about. Same as - if it isn't a colleague - you might ask someone what they do - even though not everyone has a job. Or you might ask if someone is local, even though lots of people aren't etc etc.
I don't mean you go up to people at a party with a list of 20 questions, but, in conversation and when you are chatting to people they tend to be more neutral / less provocative questions than asking someone their views on Brexit or how much they earn, or what colour underwear they are wearing, or if they think children should be allowed at child free weddings

I don't think it has changed from 30+ years ago either.

In fact, if it has changed, then there are probably fewer women who wanted dc who don't have them, with fertility treatments and with societies attitudes to having dc outside of marriage being so different today.

I’m 31 and I tend to assume that people my age have children. I don’t - I hate the wee buggers - but I’m hitting the age where people seem to start popping out babies. I would ask, cause it’s it’s irrelevant, but I’m not offended if people ask me. It’s just par for the course being a breeding age female.

I'm not offended if people ask me if I'm having children but what really gets me pissed is when people ask WHEN I'm having kids.

Or even if. I find it really really rude. Because we al know that kids is down to science and nature and not everyone is blessed to have them so people don't understand what shot they can go uncovering by asking

Haha Helen, yes I totally get what you are saying! The only reason I tell my friend to tone it down is because her clients are usually in a very emotional state and in their head (rightly or wrongly) think that my friend can understand their position re children issues if she has got some of her own. Her response effectively of are you bloody kidding doesn’t seem to sit quite right in those circumstances!! 🤣🤣

Oh, those are such silly responses… if a person says no they don’t have kids there’s nothing (appropriate) left to assume or probe!!

Do many posters on here not have kids out of interest? I’m quite new to MN and assumed anyone posting on a site like this is on it because they are a parent… I’ve obviously got that wrong!!

Most women I know do not have children and I never assume they do. In engineering/tech spheres very few do. I know more people without kids than with.

I do not assume, but I also do not ask. It is potentially a painful topic. If people have children they tend to tell you.

I wouldn't assume as I know plenty of people my age, every age really who never had kids for a variety of reasons. It can be painful. Generally people mention if they have.

I don’t assume that they don’t have kids, and I don’t assume that they do.

It doesn’t cross my mind. Other women’s procreation status is not of much interest to me.

*I wouldn’t assume they have kids. Out of 5 of us in my closet group of friends 2 of us don’t have children by choice and 1 who does now what children have issues conceiving. I would never ask a women if she has children.

Im interested that you'd never ask, that must make general chit chat/getting to know you/passing the time coversation rather stilted and contrived*

I don’t understand, children aren’t the only available topic of conversation… I never ask people because you don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives and being asked if you have children when you’re going through fertility issues is awkward and sometimes upsetting (trust me). If people offer that info about themselves that’s fine but I wouldn’t ask. There are a billion other things to talk about/ask people about though, that don’t involve children.