How much should each of us pay?!

[Amandasummers]

Sorry, really no idea wether to post on chat/relationship/money matters or what really, as I suppose it’s all a bit combined!

Any help or advise would be appreciated.

We are a family of 6 (2 adults, 4 children ranging from age 2-13)

I really need some help with how to arrange the family finances. I am in a lot of debt (working with a debt charity to fix this)

Moving forward, as a family, we need to come up with a solution to how much each of us should pay each month and what’s fair etc etc as I am struggling with feeling like everything that NEEDS paying, falls to me, leaving me continually struggling whilst partner can pretty much do as he likes, we’ve now reached a point where he’s asked me to “tell him how much he needs to give me every week” (obviously, this attitude is an issue in itself, but first and foremost, I would rather sort the financial bits out and then focus on his stinking attitude later)

If our set up was YOUR set up, what what yours/partners contributions look like??

Partner works full time and earns approx: £600 per week (drives to nearest town daily 10mins away then travels with boss each day to work meaning minimal travel costs)

I work minimal hours around the children, and earn approx £200 per week, take 4 children to and from (different) schools/nursery, provide all childcare and majority of any household chores/admin.

Rent & Household bills: £1000

Other expenses NOT included in this:

FOOD
Car tax, insurance, petrol
mobile phones
nappies, toiletries, household items (cleaning products, toilet rolls etc) clothing, uniform, clubs, trips, birthdays, Christmas, treats, days out, nursery stuff (lunch times, sponsorships, teacher gifts, donations etc)

“Amandasummers

Re: debt, some of it was prior to meeting him, some of it is because I am always struggling and got behind on the bills. 9 time’s out of 10, he doesn’t put anything towards the bills, I sort everything and he gives me money if and when he feels like to and spends whatever he wants on anything he wants“

How much debt do you have from before
meeting him?

How much from not having had enough to pay the household bills for you all?

Why does ex not pay CM x 2?

@Booboobadoo

I'm a bit puzzled. You recognise you have wider problems than money, but money is the problem you want to solve with this post. But even if you come up with the most sensible, reasonable solution to your financial difficulties, it might square things for you, but he still won't share the money that he sees as his. Can you think of how you can improve your situation without his input? Easy to type, I appreciate harder in real life...

I’m of the belief that people deserve at least a chance to try and change (of course, I don’t need to tell you that he has had many, however, I’m actually trying to find some real solutions this time, before simply call it a day) I’m making the choice to do the leg work and figure out some potential solutions, these will be presented, if he doesn’t want to make those changes, then I will move forward alone.

Unfortunately, I see no real potential for improvement financially without him (apart from 2 less mouths to feed of course)

@ScrollingLeaves

“Amandasummers

Re: debt, some of it was prior to meeting him, some of it is because I am always struggling and got behind on the bills. 9 time’s out of 10, he doesn’t put anything towards the bills, I sort everything and he gives me money if and when he feels like to and spends whatever he wants on anything he wants“

How much debt do you have from before
meeting him?

How much from not having had enough to pay the household bills for you all?

Why does ex not pay CM x 2?

I don’t want to go into figures, but it is mostly because I haven’t had enough money to pay the bills. I’m really just trying to work out how things should be, debt aside.

The way out arrangements are set (as ordered in court) means any payments received would be minimal/almost pointless, and as a result, he provides when they are with him and I provide when they are with me. That situation is a whole other thread, and for my mental healths sake, I have had to make the decision to leave it be as is, because I can’t take anymore of that situation really, so that’s how it is, and in all honesty? I don’t want a penny from him even if I could get it. If my previous AND current situation have taught me anything, it’s that I’d rather not rely on anybody, because it can always be taken away from me at the drop of a hat. I guess that’s partially why I’ve let this go on so long, it’s been easier to deal with things as though I am single but really, it can’t go on if he intends to remain here with his child.

[quote Amandasummers]@3Britnee he gets paid cash, so wouldn’t really make a blind bit of difference, thanks for your input though [/quote]
So get him to pay it into the bank then 🙄

Unless its supposed to be invisible money 🤔

In our house, Our bills come to about £1600 including mortgage and food.

I earn £1300 a month, he is between £3500 - £4,500 (take home) all bills come from my account ahd he transfers me £1100 a month. He does the bulk of the savings and pays for holidays.

We have one school aged child and pay for after school clubX

I am sorry - I didn’t mean to pry about the amount of debt and you have answered the question in saying it is mostly from your present living costs. So there should be no guilt about him paying a lot of that off as he contributed too little to the household and that caused it.

Will he be working with the debt counsellor too?

Could you work out with the counsellor how much he should pay to both contribute a realistic amount and also pay off some of the debt? Then you could tell him.

@3Britnee I’m aware of how banking works. You seem aghast that we don’t have a joint bank account and like that is the obvious solution to my problem, when, in fact, it’s irrelevant.

Well it's not really, because if it was all in one pot and you both had access to it, your problem would be solved 🙄

My husband and I put all our money together and we have a monthly spreadsheet which lists all outgoings and includes our allocated spending amount each week. We have budgeted for spending money and have the same equal amount per week to spend on whatever we want. I think in your case it would be fair to pool all the money in together as well. I would definitely recommend a budget spreadsheet though - it is a life saver!!

This is all quite odd really.

What do you do about holidays?! Split 6 ways?

Do what unwanted opinion said. Its the fairest way. DH and I do the same.

OP My partner and I live together. We have separate bank accounts and he pays some bills and I pay others. He has a lot more money than me but we have no children together.

If we had children together I would automatically assume we should have a joint bank account and pool everything.

How can you ever get out of debt if your guy does not give you enough money?

We have always put all our money in a joint account and we both get the same small amount of spending money each week. The spending money is direct debited to each of our personal spending account each week. All other money is joint money.

From a debt management/financial therapy point of you for starters you need to mentally stop thinking:

"FOOD
Car tax, insurance, petrol
mobile phones
nappies, toiletries, household items (cleaning products, toilet rolls etc) clothing, uniform, clubs, trips, birthdays, Christmas, treats, days out, nursery stuff (lunch times, sponsorships, teacher gifts, donations etc)"

ARE NOT "household bills" because they are! They may not literally be bills but they are absolutely items that are the costs of running a home/family!

When I was married we had one main current account.

All income went into that account and then what was left over was split in 2, when we could afford to do this and half was saved and the other half split in 2 again and that was our personal spending money.

Assuming the dc are all his, there is absolutely no GOOD reason whatsoever to do that here.

There is a BAD one - financial abuse!

What are the debts? Whose name are they in and what was the money used to pay for?

My one caution is that personally I would never have a joint account again as ex emptied it and went into the overdraft days after our split.

But that aside he's taking the piss isn't he?

Given what you say about the dc I would still class it all as whole family outgoings - as at the very least "half" the children are his

Definitely sounds financially abusive (and that rarely travels alone abuse wise)

Did you lose income as a result of moving in together? You must have at least lost your council tax discount!

Unfortunately, I see no real potential for improvement financially without him (apart from 2 less mouths to feed of course)

Your income may increase (have you checked benefits calculators) and accounted for savings other than food? (Eg council tax discount, less gas/electric used - I suspect there may well be other costs he's incurring that you will save on too)

I honestly think you're better off splitting in all ways

Hi OP, I am really hoping your situation improves but I am struggling to see what else you are after from posters?

Essentially nearly everyone who has given practical advice on what to do has said - pool your money and as DH earns substantially more than you, he should contribute more. Many people use joint bank accounts and a spreadsheet of outgoings - all of these are very sensible suggestions.

Not sure what else we can say. If your DH refuses to even engage on this and your family is going deeper into debt then I am afraid other previous posters could be right regarding financial abuse. I genuinely hope you find a way out

@Pipsquiggle I’m after nothing else! I really appreciate those that have shared what they do within their own families, and any other practical suggestions. It has very much helped me see that my own thoughts on the subject are within reason....now of course comes the hard part of seeing if this is doable and how I move forward. I’ve been working really hard on the figures the last 2 days, seeing all the figures written down is eye watering, and even I’m shocked at just how much I’ve kept everyone afloat in my own 9 times out of 10. Im not blind to my situation or what’s going on, it’s been so helpful to get a bit of perspective though. So thank you all who have provided informative responses, I really appreciate it

Is he fiddling tax as he gets paid cash and doesn’t bank it as such. If he is then you may struggle to get him to put it in any kind of account joint or otherwise. When I read stuff like getting £600 cash in hand it makes me want to move to a cashless society but most people hate that big brother idea.

Now you have worked out the figures present them in a business like manner if he doesn’t agree to them or make good then the relationship is over.

Sounds like you are doing some good constructive planning OP. Writing expenditure figures down really does clarify the mind. Wishing you lots of luck x

Yes, good luck. You are being admirable in really analysing this and looking for a new direction.

@Auntienumber8 - no, he doesn’t fiddle his tax (I think most people make this assumption when traders are paid cash, but it’s not the case)

@Pipsquiggle @ScrollingLeaves

Thank you both, so much. I’ve wasted so many years waiting for changes that won’t ever come unless I actually DO. So, baby steps, I guess. I need to learn how to budget and to not always be robbing Peter to pay Paul wether I’m alone or with him, so any knowledge or power I’ve got from this thread is beneficial whatever happens!

[quote Amandasummers]@Pipsquiggle I’m after nothing else! I really appreciate those that have shared what they do within their own families, and any other practical suggestions. It has very much helped me see that my own thoughts on the subject are within reason....now of course comes the hard part of seeing if this is doable and how I move forward. I’ve been working really hard on the figures the last 2 days, seeing all the figures written down is eye watering, and even I’m shocked at just how much I’ve kept everyone afloat in my own 9 times out of 10. Im not blind to my situation or what’s going on, it’s been so helpful to get a bit of perspective though. So thank you all who have provided informative responses, I really appreciate it[/quote]

Well done @Amandasummers that's a great start!

Have you shown him yet? Seeing it written down will be an eye opener for him too and his reaction will be very telling.

You do not have to pay for sponsorships, teacher gifts, donations etc

Make a teacher card
The others are voluntary

Doesn't sound like a great relationship
Separate and claim c m for the joint kid

Ok, straight answer. He earns c. £600/week. You earn £200/week. £800/week between you; two adults and 4 children to feed/ferry around/clothe etc etc.

I think he should ‘give you’ £500/week. You should keep £100 of your income for you. £600/week for family outgoings, and our of that should come everything including repayment of debts you accrued since marrying him and one car each. His £100 each/week (which is pretty generous given your joint income and 4 kids) is for his extra cars etc. Your £100 is for your own debts+Treats+ saving for a running away fund for you and DC.

But this should be a short term fix while you work on the relationship.

Contrary to what other posters have said, don’t get a joint account with him. If he is that selfish and irresponsible with money he will just spend it all before bills are paid leaving you in an even worse situation.