How much should each of us pay?!

[Amandasummers]

Sorry, really no idea wether to post on chat/relationship/money matters or what really, as I suppose it’s all a bit combined!

Any help or advise would be appreciated.

We are a family of 6 (2 adults, 4 children ranging from age 2-13)

I really need some help with how to arrange the family finances. I am in a lot of debt (working with a debt charity to fix this)

Moving forward, as a family, we need to come up with a solution to how much each of us should pay each month and what’s fair etc etc as I am struggling with feeling like everything that NEEDS paying, falls to me, leaving me continually struggling whilst partner can pretty much do as he likes, we’ve now reached a point where he’s asked me to “tell him how much he needs to give me every week” (obviously, this attitude is an issue in itself, but first and foremost, I would rather sort the financial bits out and then focus on his stinking attitude later)

If our set up was YOUR set up, what what yours/partners contributions look like??

Partner works full time and earns approx: £600 per week (drives to nearest town daily 10mins away then travels with boss each day to work meaning minimal travel costs)

I work minimal hours around the children, and earn approx £200 per week, take 4 children to and from (different) schools/nursery, provide all childcare and majority of any household chores/admin.

Rent & Household bills: £1000

Other expenses NOT included in this:

FOOD
Car tax, insurance, petrol
mobile phones
nappies, toiletries, household items (cleaning products, toilet rolls etc) clothing, uniform, clubs, trips, birthdays, Christmas, treats, days out, nursery stuff (lunch times, sponsorships, teacher gifts, donations etc)

@BillMasen

I think the debt is a complicating factor here. I can’t imagine you getting positive responses if you’d said your partner had debts and was expecting you to put all your money in the pot and help pay them.

I’m a believer in paying in proportion, so him 3/4 you 1/4 and you pay your own debts. If that leaves you very little fun money, that’s the price you pay

I agree, but it also depends why there is debt. Is it to cover household bills or something else joint, then it's both of yours debt. If you just went crazy in the Gucci shop, then I'd be reluctant to pay that off if I was your DH.

Well, clearly there's a problem here. If he's not willing to share money, tell him you need £500 per week. He can then have £100 to spend on whatever he likes.

But there's a much bigger problem here re his financial abuse of you that has led to this debt and it seems unlikely to me that he's going to be willing to change. The debt is in your name, so he doesn't care.

@MyDcAreMarvel

MHO you should both put all your income into a single pot and maybe each have a separate but equal allowance for personal spending.

This is what we do. Everything goes in to one pot, all the essentials come out including debt, food, kids' bits, savings, the lot - and then split what's left as 'play' money. We each have the same amount and can spend it on what we want without referring to the other.

He generally doesn't pay anything towards bills and takes all the car keys with him so you can't use your car 😮. This sounds like a horrible situation.

So you have £3466 coming in a month, joint, and whatever child benefit you are awarded. How many nights a week does each child stay at yours?

Why does your child's father pay no maintenance? You know don't you that you cannot oust the jurisdiction of the CMS.

It seems to me that the fairest way to do this would be to each pay a proportionate part of the household bills. so if the additional costs come to an extra £1,000 then he should pay £1500 and you pay £500. You should always deduct child benefit or other state benefits from this before you do the calculation.

It's relevant that you aren't married. If you were married I'd say you'd made a commitment to share income equally provided you each earn what you can. You should also claim child maintenance, and if you don't but you could I think it would be fair for you to have to pay more in lieu.

I used to earn considerably more than DP but we're now more or less the same. Since we moved in together it was a 50/50 split (my decision), what's mine is his/his is mine etc. Added up all the incomings (both salaries), add up all the necessary outgoings (petrol for work/school, food, utilities, insurance), put some aside for savings and divide the remainder by 2 for fun money - same each, wouldn't have it any other way.

Hi OP, from reading all of your posts I think this is way bigger than "what should he pay".

This is financial (and other - keeping the car keys) abuse. I think his payments are the least of your worries. You need to talk to Women's Aid.

We’ve always treated all money that comes into the house as “ours”. Most of the time DH has earned a bit more than me but there was a period of three months when he was made redundant and I was the only breadwinner. No matter the circumstance, our wage money goes into the joint account. Then, each month, all money needed for bills (anything from mortgage to contact lenses) goes into a separate joint account so it doesn’t get spent. A set amount per month, mutually agreed, then goes into our own personal accounts. This is our spending money and is for us to do as we please. Any remaining money is used for things like holidays, house improvements, meals out, investments and the rest goes into savings. I’m currently on maternity leave and am obviously earning far less than I used to but the system is still the same, we just put less into our pocket money pots, savings, no holiday etc. Ten years down the line I will probably earn more than DH and it will still be the same.

@Annasgirl

Hi OP, from reading all of your posts I think this is way bigger than "what should he pay".

This is financial (and other - keeping the car keys) abuse. I think his payments are the least of your worries. You need to talk to Women's Aid.

Agreed.

People saying what they do/would do are irrelevant here. He is at the very least financially abusive and controlling. Let's talk about that first.

So, like you, my DH earns substantially more than me, we both work full time. We have a joint account, my DH puts 3.5 times more money in than me. Money goes in one day, all the bills get paid the next. Any left over cash is for food, days out etc

We both have a bit of 'pocket money' in our own accounts.

Absolute transparency is key on finances, particularly when in debt

@BillMasen I’m not expecting him to pay towards any debt, not even those that have accrued due to his failure to contribute.

I appreciate I have unintentionally “drip fed” But I did say “moving forward” in my OP, as in, based on the background info of our family and the financial factors, how would other posters split things.

I am often met with a “I go out and work my arse off so why do I have to give all of my money away” attitude, I need some perspective to figure out what’s reasonable.

@knittingaddict I’m sure your post is meant with nothing but kindness, but right now, that’s now what I want to talk about, there is obviously a huge backstory, and I have said in further posts that I am so so fully aware of what is going on here, and the real problems, I am working through things and figuring out how to move forward, but first, I need to work this issue out, the result of the conversation and actions that will follow off of the back of this issue, will help me figure out which path I’m going down and wether or not that will be alone. I really just need some advice on how other families manage the financial aspects of their lives together, if I’m expecting too much etc. I most definitely believe that as a family, everything should be joint, it’s more than clear that he does not hold the same values, im painfully aware of this

Tell him you need £500.

Sorry you are going through this @Amandasummers it sounds very tough.

We have a spreadsheet with all the outgoings including a budget for food, we also list all incomes.

We detract the total outgoings from the total income and split what's left equally and this is ours to spend as we choice and goes into personal accounts.

I have an account for Christmas and birthdays. I've added up all the birthday and Christmas presents we buy and split this amount by 12. This amount is one of the outgoings list above.

I also do the same for MOT, tax and car insurance.

Hope this helps.

OK - from what I can you have:

1. your debt
2. yours and DH debt
3. Household Bills
4. Necessities - food, clothes etc

He earns 3 times what you do per week.
Add up 2,3&4 - he pays 3 quarters, you pay 1 quarter - it goes in joint account and bills get paid immediately.

Hopefully your savings can pay off 1.

Sorry but he's not paying for bills? Why on earth not??

You halve everything.

The problem with saying that you want to deal with this now and the abuse later is that that's never going to work. Whatever deal you come up with about the money, hes not going to stick to it. Because he's abusive. So there really is no point.

well i would suggest you both put all the money into one pot and pay for stuff out of that. if there is anything at the end of the month - decide what to do with it - fun money or savings....

I would say 450 a week, but also write down your monthly budget to know how much you really need every month.

Of course it's joint. So work out your bills and what needs to be paid every month. Work out what you have coming in. Whatever is left is split equally. He can pay the balance over to you

You are working and earning less because you are working around both of your children. You shouldn’t be out of pocket for this.

The idea that only paid work counts is bullshit. I think you should both have equal access to your combined income (and wouldn’t agree to less myself). If your partner isn’t onboard, maybe he should reduce his hours to provide childcare whilst you work more.

Out of interest, does he do 50% of the housework or are you supposed to do this for free?

How would it go down if you went out and worked your arse off, and he paid all the bills, ran the house and raised the kids, and also went to work? You wouldn't be in debt then. He has to take some responsibility towards the family finances. I agree with PP, everything in one pot, bills paid, rest halved, and you can spend your half on your solo debt, or wind, or sweets, whatever your poison is... That's how he spends the"extra" money while you scrape by.

@Amandasummers

Sorry, really no idea wether to post on chat/relationship/money matters or what really, as I suppose it’s all a bit combined!

Any help or advise would be appreciated.

We are a family of 6 (2 adults, 4 children ranging from age 2-13)

I really need some help with how to arrange the family finances. I am in a lot of debt (working with a debt charity to fix this)

Moving forward, as a family, we need to come up with a solution to how much each of us should pay each month and what’s fair etc etc as I am struggling with feeling like everything that NEEDS paying, falls to me, leaving me continually struggling whilst partner can pretty much do as he likes, we’ve now reached a point where he’s asked me to “tell him how much he needs to give me every week” (obviously, this attitude is an issue in itself, but first and foremost, I would rather sort the financial bits out and then focus on his stinking attitude later)

If our set up was YOUR set up, what what yours/partners contributions look like??

Partner works full time and earns approx: £600 per week (drives to nearest town daily 10mins away then travels with boss each day to work meaning minimal travel costs)

I work minimal hours around the children, and earn approx £200 per week, take 4 children to and from (different) schools/nursery, provide all childcare and majority of any household chores/admin.

Rent & Household bills: £1000

Other expenses NOT included in this:

FOOD
Car tax, insurance, petrol
mobile phones
nappies, toiletries, household items (cleaning products, toilet rolls etc) clothing, uniform, clubs, trips, birthdays, Christmas, treats, days out, nursery stuff (lunch times, sponsorships, teacher gifts, donations etc)

Why wouldn't you have joint accounts

@3Britnee he gets paid cash, so wouldn’t really make a blind bit of difference, thanks for your input though

I'm a bit puzzled. You recognise you have wider problems than money, but money is the problem you want to solve with this post. But even if you come up with the most sensible, reasonable solution to your financial difficulties, it might square things for you, but he still won't share the money that he sees as his. Can you think of how you can improve your situation without his input? Easy to type, I appreciate harder in real life...